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Internet Oracularities #1440

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1440, 1440-01, 1440-02, 1440-03, 1440-04, 1440-05, 1440-06, 1440-07, 1440-08, 1440-09, 1440-10


Internet Oracularities #1440    (29 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 31 Jul 2008 09:48:38 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1440
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1440  29 votes 2c753 48494 2a863 24869 56873 15b66 112dc 26993 16c91 36d43
1440  3.2 mean  2.8   3.0   2.9   3.6   2.9   3.4   4.2   3.2   3.1   2.9


1440-01    (2c753 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> what should I do, oh wise, all-seeing, all-knowing oracle.....what
> SHOULD I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 1. Don't panic.  DON'T PANIC!  Goodness.
} 2. Call Jack Bauer.  Or Chuck Norris, if you prefer, I guess.  Or the
}    Ghostbusters, if you're into that sort of thing.
} 3. Have a pizza party.
} 4. Scrap the whole thing and write the Oracle again.  You really are
}    just teasing me, right?


1440-02    (48494 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Yes, but how do you tell the difference?  Uh, I mean, how can *I* tell
> the difference.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Place the larger of the two numbers ABOVE the lesser number,
} then subtract.
}
}      1146554
}      - 12345
}     ---------
}
} You owe the Oracle a handstand after you solve the problem.


1440-03    (2a863 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is your algorithm for distributing questions to incarnations? I
> think I smell braindamage.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, basically, the questions go out to whomever signs up to answer
} them.  Sort of like "round-robin" scheduling, only some robins come to
} the birdfeeder a lot more often than others.
}
} ... come to think of it, some the incarnations are do share a certain
} "aviary neurology" characterstic with robins ...


1440-04    (24869 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Are Tyrannosaurus and Oedipus relatives? It's just that they have
> the same last name.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In the first draft, yes, but Homer dismissed the idea, because
} accidentally marrying your 7 ton lizard sister without noticing
} really is a bit far out.


1440-05    (56873 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Any more stupid questions?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's your forte, sport.


1440-06    (15b66 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is it better to win $1 million, or to be thrown from the top of the
> Empire State Building with porcupines clawing at you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Winning the million definitely, though it might not seem
} like it at first glance. The thrill of free falling with
} a prickle(1) of "thorny pigs"(2) might at first sounds grand.
} But think of the aftermath! PETA(3) would have you in court
} faster than you could tell them an amusing and veraciously
} topical joke(4).
}
} You the Oracle a conifer tree that has eaten too much.
}
} (1) Correct group terminology for porcupines
}
} (2) The word porcupine comes from the Middle French
}      porc d'e'pine meaning just that
}
} (3) Pains En The Ass, professional whiners that like
}      to throw buckets of fake blood on people that
}      do anything other than adore animals from afar
}
} (4) Q: How does a tent full of PETA members differ
}         from a porcupines?
}     A: A porcupine has all its pricks on the outside.


1440-07    (112dc dist, 4.2 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Rock set?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Paper. The Oracle wins again.
}
} The Oracle feels sufficient time has passed since World War
} Two for him to reveal how his advice won the War for The
} Allies.
}
} When Winston Churchill asked the Oracle for help he pointed
} out that the Nazi salute was the hand sign for "paper" so
} all Churchill had to do was get his people to flash the
} 'scissors' sign (or V for Victory as he called it). Since
} scissors trumps paper the allies would win. Of course this
} all got muddled up when Stalin had his thug army start waving
} their fists around above their heads as a 'rock' symbol. So
} in the end Stalin could bash Churchill, but could be covered
} by Hitler, who could be cut up by Churchill. This explains how
} the USSR ended up with most of post-war Europe.
}
} The things you can learn here from the Oracle.
}
} You owe the Oracle an atomic bomb.


1440-08    (26993 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great and magnificentennial Oracle, what gives you the power, the
> intestinal fortitude, to deal with my lousy questions without
> complaining?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Vodka. And lots of it.
}
} You owe the Oracle a lot of vodka.


1440-09    (16c91 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If the horse knows the way to carry the sleigh, why do I have to shell
> out all this money for a GPS?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Obviously you are new to sleigh and carriage driving. The main
} advantage over automotive transportation is that the horse has enough
} sense to go straight down the road, if it is obvious, and not to wander
} across a ditch or into a field. You need pay little attention, and can,
} under most circumstances, carry on a conversation with your passengers
} as easily as if you were driving your car down a sparsely travelled
} highway, or even more so. You will need to assume direct control at
} intersections or stoplights, and you'll have to take care not to "cut
} corners" by letting the horse turn too soon, dragging the sleigh or
} carriage into a ditch or wall as it follows more tightly in the turn
} than the horse did.
}
} It's hard to get lost. The range you can cover in a day is usually less
} than 100 miles, even changing horses, so if it's your own territory,
} you won't go beyond the roads you already know. If you do get lost, you
} need not roll down windows to shout at someone, "WHERE THE HECK ARE
} WE?" Instead, with the sleigh, you'll be so chilled that you'll gladly
} stop just about anywhere to warm up, and you can discuss your location
} with the innkeeper or convenience-store manager.
}
} The major difficulty in the cold is your hands. One holds the reins,
} the other the whip, and you hold them out in front of you, in the
} chilling wind. Yes, you have gloves, but your fingers still freeze. The
} horse chugs along merrily, sleighbells jingling, and needs only a bit
} of water from time to time and a nice pile of hay and maybe some oats
} at journey's end. You are hoping for a hot and strong drink.
}
} A sleigh going through the snow is almost totally silent, and thus you
} need the sleighbells to warn pedestrians that you are sneaking up on
} them. You could use the GPS for the same purpose, I suppose. If the
} bells all had fallen off and your larynx were frozen, you could warn a
} pedestrian in danger by throwing the GPS at his head. The ensuing light
} concussion (assuming he wore a lightweight hat) would cause him to take
} notice.
}
} You owe the Oracle a trained carriage horse who can do a mile in two
} minutes forty seconds at the trot. "Two-forty for his speed."


1440-10    (36d43 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do you suppose that if Darwin had been dragged off to an extermination
> camp as a part of a eugenics program (designed to eliminate people that
> look like bearded gorillas), he would have ceased to be a Darwinist?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Eugenics came about -because- of Darwin, but he'd definitely
} cease being anything if he was exterminated. What's even
} more interesting is how this dense question proves Darwin
} was right. See, questions that try really, really hard to
} seem clever but fail horribly drive off incarnations that
} have a low tolerance for ignorance. This leaves the field
} open for the halt and the droll, which emboldens them to
} generate even more. Think of gnats bothering a well-read
} wolverine or a majestic artistically inclined moose so much
} they move to a new less gnaty territory. Which means. . .
} Ohmygawd. It means, I'm a retard too.
}
} Damn.
}
} You owe the Oracle an even bigger TV so he can watch more
} flickering images set to thumpy music, today's equivalent
} of staring into a fire ripped on datura as some other tribe
} member beats on a log with a club, moaning. And swatting
} at gnats.


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