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Internet Oracularities #1441

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Internet Oracularities #1441    (27 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 07 Aug 2008 08:41:33 -0500 (EST)

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in the subject line.  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1441
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1441  27 votes 119a6 2c634 39672 66951 45666 108b7 19782 146d3 12f63 07974
1441  3.2 mean  3.7   2.8   2.9   2.6   3.2   3.9   3.0   3.5   3.3   3.3


1441-01    (119a6 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do mermaids reproduce? Are the poor mermen reduced to fertilizing
> a bunch of eggs that have been laid on a rock? Do the mermaids'
> privates smell like humans?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, you've seen Disney's film "The Little Mermaid" with its
} none too subtle plot where a young mermaid wants to have some
} legs so she can make a prince happy. Hey, that's the plot The
} Oracle didn't just make that up. It's kind of a raunchy story
} line to foist on the young females that are its targeted
} audience, but Disney isn't noted for subtlety in this regard.
} (If you haven't seen 'Dumbo' in a long time watch it and be
} stunned into silence at the extraordinary lengths it takes to be
} more politically incorrect than 100 Late Night Andy Dick guest
} appearances.) But now to answer your naughty little questions.
} The Oracle has invited Neptune himself to make a cameo in this
} answer, via Bubble-Phone.
}
} [ The Oracle thrusts his head into a nearby very large aquarium
}    at the bottom of which instead of a silly little castle is a,
}    well, a Bubble-Phone. ]
}
} Oracle: Thank you for joining us today Neptune.
}
} Neptune: Let's get this over with.
}
} Oracle: OK, first question:  How do mermaids reproduce?
}
} Neptune: When a merman and a mermaid love each other very
}          much, and have known each other for a long, long
}          time, and both of them have finished college, and
}          have jobs, and their parents' permission - they
}          marry. And then a miracle happens.
}
} Oracle: Erm, OK. Hmm. The next question reads as thus:  Are
}         the poor mermen reduced to fertilizing a bunch of eggs
}         that have been laid on a rock?
}
} Neptune: Zounds, Orrie what kind of sickos do you cater to?
}
} Oracle: Answer please.
}
} Neptune: Mermen are not some kind of horny salmon fighting their
}          way upstream over moss covered boulders, past irate
}          bears, to then be blinded by lust into spewing about
}          on eggs left there by some she-bass or octostrumpet.
}          We live under the sea, not below common decency and all
}          that is moral and good!!
}
} Oracle: Next, do the mermaids' privates smell like humans?
}
} Neptune: Privates? Enlisted men would smell like humans yes,
}          just as generals or admirals would. What a freaking
}          bizarre question. Are we done yet?
}
} Oracle: Well, sort of I guess. But I don't think that the last
}         question. . . oh never mind. Good show. Thank you Neptune.
}
} Neptune: <click>
}
} [ The Oracle looks a bit taken back, hangs up the Bubble-phone,
}    and pulls his head out of the tank. ]
}
} There you go supplicant. We aim to please. No question, even sans
} any hint of groveling like yours, is too lowly and sordid for us
} to answer. You're most welcome!
}
} You owe the Oracle the cargo hold of the SS Laurentic.


1441-02    (2c634 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <drnoe@roadrunner.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Sagacious Oracle values merrymaking, revelry and social gaiety
> please read my question with undue diligence! Oh Unbegotten First
> Existent One! You are wise, yes wise indeed. The Oracle is ever full
> of imperishableness and ineffable joycle and clever insights. Praise
> his middle name and stand in awe of his shadowy being.
>
> Is there really a sleeping, soul eating, evil alien from outer space
> laying in wait on some bleak islet in the South Atlantic?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Really? No. R'lyeh.


1441-03    (39672 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please describe Cleopatra's nose, the shape of which turned (so I am
> told) destiny. Also give alternative destinies for other possible
> shapes. Like suppose she'd looked like a horse?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Looking like a horse doesn't mean a woman can't change
} history, nor turn the head of emperors and kings. Just
} ask Camilla.
}
} You owe the Oracle a world where all the men are buff.


1441-04    (66951 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Expository but unexposed Oracle, how can you be sure you are never
> injured by your own fearsome ZOT? Do oracles have protective underware,
> like Mormons?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 'underware'?
}
} UnderWEAR made of Mormons isn't needed, the Oracle uses a concept
} that is alien to street thugs with guns, men standing before a
} commode, and 90% of the people playing Team Fortress -- He aims
} at what he wants to hit.
}
} You owe the Oracle a trip to The Mountains of Madness.


1441-05    (45666 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@ewhac.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, pal of Neptune, you that house-broke Pluto, promoter of the
> Sirens on their last World Tour, please hear my question,
>
> Is zombie cucumber good in salads?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course it is!
}
} I'm going to follow up your question with a question though:
}
} What does a vegan zombie eat?
}
} Don't worry, I'm going to give you the answer too.
}
} Grrrrrraaaaaaiiiinnnnnnnsssssss!!!!!
}
} You owe the Oracle a better punchline.


1441-06    (108b7 dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most triumphant and pleasing Oracle, who thunders aloft and has his
> dwelling most high. Attend thou with eye and ear, and make twisted
> pair questions straight with righteousness. Wise Oracle do tell of
> true things.
>
> Are humans alone in the Universe?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Rise, my humble supplicant, and hear what I have to tell you. You seem
} to have made a minor mistake. Yes, humans are, in fact, a loan *to*
} the Universe.
}
} Allow me to explain. Thousands of years ago the Universe, or Jeff as
} he prefers to be called, was getting pretty bored. You would be too,
} if you existed for 13 billion years with no cable TV. He kept
} complaining to God about it, to the point where God finally said,
} "Alright, fine, what exactly do you want?!"
}
} Jeff asked for God to create some reality shows for him to watch, but
} God refused on the grounds that He doesn't create evil. Jeff kept
} pestering God. This was starting annoy The Big Guy a lot, so God
} created entropy as a punishment for Jeff. (You wouldn't want to
} constantly get more chaotic, would you? What? Oh, well, your universe
} doesn't.)
}
} Anyways, God and Jeff were on pretty bad terms by then, and Jeff was
} still mind-numbingly bored at the point, so he decided to look
} elsewhere for help.
}
} Jeff did a little checking around, and found out that another
} universe, Ashley, owed me a funny little species called humans, which
} she had put on the table in a recent poker game. The three of us ended
} up working out a deal where Jeff got to borrow humanity from me, Jeff
} gave Ashley a few more than forty spiral galaxies, and Ashley gave me
} a neat device which fires a concentrated quantity of electricity. I
} had my eye on that thing for a while.
}
} I got an excellent deal.
}
} Jeff gets to keep you humans for a few hundred more years before I get
} you back. I'll probably just try pawning you off to another universe,
} or if that doesn't work, just get rid of you. After all, you don't
} seem very valuable. All you ever do is go around killing each other
} and making reality TV shows. It's nice to keep in touch with you and
} dispense my wisdom, but I don't want to take care of you full-time. I
} have better things to do.
}
} You owe the Oracle... nevermind, I'll have it in a few hundred years
} anyway.


1441-07    (19782 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The entire world appreciates the wealth of knowledge contained in The
> Internet Oracle's massive but miniaturized brain. Of course most people
> unfortunately cannot access this vast fount of wisdom because they are
> not supplicants.
>
> How can I best spread the word so that you get more and better
> supplicants? Especially ones that don't screw up the incarnative
> portion. (Like, I've about had it with idiotilizers, Bible thumpers,
> and salesmen.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} How to get more people involved in the Oracle experience is
} indeed a problem. Here's some thoughts:
}
} * People are WAY leery of handing out their email address
}    to a service they've little info about. You can see their
}    point, no one likes getting spam.
}
}    Possible Solutions:
}
}    * Have a notice on the web-portal stating that the email
}      address will be used ONLY for the Oracle experience and
}      that your name and email is kept secret (as long as you
}      don't go adding it yourself because through newbieness)
}
}    * Add a similar .sig to outgoing responses to tellmes.
}      Somehow I'd think if you're doing askmes you've got this
}      figured out already, but tellme folks might find this
}      reassuring -- especially for their first ones.
}
} * The Oracle needs new users.
}
}    Possible Solution:
}
}    * I have no idea how to do this, but if somehow it could
}      be pointed out to teachers of HOW-to newbie Internet
}      classes that sending and receiving email from the Oracle
}      is a great way to practice emailing.
}
}    * Again, another bell-the-cat I have no idea how to do it
}      idea. Wouldn't it be great if on the Thunderbird download
}      page it said something like, "Hey, want to practice using
}      email? Try the Internet Oracle." and then a link to the
}      Oracle home page or something. <sigh> or even have a default
}      joke email be your first email in the email inbox of Thunder-
}      bird... even if just for Thunderbird downloads for just
}      one month and never again! That'd be grand. But alas it'd
}      be kind of an inhouse spam, not everyone might be amused.
}
}    * Someone, HEY ONE OF YOU COMPUTER EXPERTS OUT THERE. write
}      a Firefox/Thunderbird add-on that interfaces with the Oracle
}      It'd up our exposure, which right now is about zero. People
}      looking through addons might find it. Is this ethical?
}
}    * Buy an ad on slashdot! Or in PC-Magazine! Or an ingame one
}      in Portal2!!!  Yeah, I know, I'd not want to fork over the
}      big bugs for that either.
}
}    * Write the Oracle address on your huge bosom and streak the
}      Super Bowl!.... oh gawd. What am I saying?
}
}    * Write to the Oracle! Write an answer full of ideas. Some
}      priest will show it to well, SOMEONE & something will happen
}      & ALL WILL BE GOOD IN THE WORLD... <sigh> who am I kidding?
}      This will go into some non-functioning priest's inbox and
}      be nuked unread. Have you ever gone to the Priest weblink page
}      and clicked on any of the links? Most of them are dead, dead,
}      dead. I'm not really sure anyone is still at the temple at
}      times, just a few of them stop by as they drive by and that's
}      only because they've got a key to the temple restrooms and
}      they need to take leak. Though if you click all of those
}      mostly dead links you -might- finally understand the two
}      Tims references. . . maybe. Not that it matters mind you.
}
}    * Scream at the computer. That's what this incarnation does.
}      Fat lot of good that's done.
}
} You owe the Oracle, ah forget it. You've done enough.
}
} Cheers.


1441-08    (146d3 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ------=_Part_25104_6384241.1217873751845
> Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1
> Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit
>
> Oh...
> I'm a happy Post-it note!
> Let's all sing the Post-it song!
> Post-it!
> Post-it!
> Post-it!
> Post-it!
> Post-it!
> Post-it!
> All day long...
>
> ------=_Part_25104_6384241.1217873751845
> Content-Type: text/html; charset=ISO-8859-1
> Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracle: Next slide.
}
} [ On the screen before the class appears the supplicant's
}    email message about a Post-it! ]
}
} Oracle: Humans are the only creatures that laugh or ask
}         questions. And here we have an email that neither
}         asks a question, or makes us laugh. What can one
}         do?
}
} Kendai: Tell the supplicant he's a moron. Heck, it's
}         not even in plain text.
}
} Og: Zot!
}
} Zadoc: Delete it and let someone else deal with it.
}
} [ Others boo, and wad up papers and throw it at Zadoc. ]
}
} Old Tim: Detailed history of the Post-it note followed
}          by a poignant joke.
}
} New Tim: A top ten list with lots of nerdy UNIX
}          references.
}
} Both Tims: AND NO MENTION OF PEOPLE'S HAIR.
}
} Oracle: Anyone have a fresh idea? And don't tell me
}         a lecture format. Or a commercial. Or a Sgt.
}         Pepper parody. Or invoke anyone.
}
} [ Priests all look around the room sheepishly. ]
}
} Og: Zot!
}
} Oracle: I'm immortal. I can sit here until hell
}         freezes over, people.
}
} The Littlest Priest: I could stand up and bat my huge
}         eyes. And say, "I've learned something today.
}         We all are like a family. A family of..."
}
} Kendai: I.am.going.to.barf.
}
} The Littlest Priest: "...a family of askers and tellers.
}         And like all families we sometimes get drunk &
}         beat the living snot out of each other with patio
}         furniture and then the police show up and arrest
}         Dad. Mom wails about what's happening to her man
}         and then the dog shows up and licks up the spilled
}         beer that is reflecting the flashing red and blue
}         lights of the squad cars as overhead a helicopter
}         full of doughnut eaters hovers, noisily. The rotor
}         wash making our hair waft about as though we're
}         standing on Dover Beach watching Corelia's forces
}         land."
}
} Zadoc: Wow. That's so beautiful.
}
} Kendai: No. It's lame.
}
} One of the Tims: And you mentioned hair too. We had an
}                  agreement.
}
} Oracle: OK look. Pair off and I'm going out for a smoke.
}         When I get back I want to hear some answers that
}         make me laugh. Tim and Tim, split up. You can't
}         be partners again, it's too confusing.
}
} Both Tims: Dibs on Kendai!
}
} Kendai: I've got to get me a real job.
}
} [ fade to black ]


1441-09    (12f63 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How long until my toe feels better?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Forever. But this is what your hands are for, toes
} are really poor choices to feel things with.
}
} You owe the Oracle some steel toed boots.


1441-10    (07974 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Will my one true love knit me a love song?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Frayed knot.


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