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Internet Oracularities #1442

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Internet Oracularities #1442    (27 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 14 Aug 2008 14:14:42 -0500 (EST)

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   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1442  27 votes 26874 49554 22b66 13b93 0275d 13887 29583 27693 67950 17b62
1442  3.2 mean  3.2   2.9   3.4   3.4   4.1   3.6   3.0   3.1   2.5   3.0


1442-01    (26874 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Esteemed and valued Oracle, more precious than the source code
> to the cheetah are your words, more noteworthy are your ideas
> than the collected works of all the sages,
>
> Are there any good reasons for me to get out of bed tomorrow?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course not!  But there are some awesome reasons, such as:
} writing the Oracle, reading the Oracle, telling your friends about the
} Oracle, making up stories about the Oracle, inventing jokes about the
} Oracle (such as that pun about the "cat egg" Oracle, or the "hissed"
} Oracle), pretending you ARE the Oracle, etc., etc.  Anything that
} helps the business, you know!
}
} You owe me a copy of John Steinbeck's, The Grapes of Wrath.
} Mostly because I haven't read it yet.


1442-02    (49554 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle most warm and fuzzy,
>
> How many electoral votes does Germany have?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You really missed the point of Germany. Perhaps you didn't see the
} picture of Obama's Overalls.
}
} Overalls are of course the German National Garment. (Remember the German
} song, "German, German Overalls" ?) So of course the Germans were happy
} with him. Even Lederhosen could not have been better.
}
} Anyway, even if no one saw him wearing German Overalls, the Germans
} thought he did. McCain's too fat to fit into them.
}
} See, Arnie can't become Presidentator, so you need some other
} quasi-German, and Obama's the one, in spite of his Irish name.
}
} You owe the Oracle the Sudetenland.


1442-03    (22b66 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Does the Oracle only speak in cryptic ways that can sometimes be
> misconstrued as bad advice?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The answer to your question, supplicant, can be heard in the sound of
} a toaster popping up in a bath.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Darwin award.


1442-04    (13b93 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> A wise scholar is the lettered and knowledgeable Oracle.  He is
> scholarly and aware of all.
>
> Is violence unjustifiable in any circumstances?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Absolutely. For example, when Attila The Hun (a relative of mine--his
} middle name is the same as my first name) invaded Europe, some people
} resisted. This was immoral on their part. A proper Hun-fearing populace
} would lie down and die without even having to be touched, sparing
} Attila the necessity of violent action.
}
} You owe the Oracle everything.


1442-05    (0275d dist, 4.1 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do I get Becky to like me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
}        The Oracle's 5 Step Guide to Being Likable
} {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
}
} #1. Be Positive!
}
}      The easiest way to become positive is rub yourself
}      with a balloon, this transfers electrons to the
}      balloon leaving you with a net positive charge.[1]
}      This effect works best when the balloon is applied
}      directly to your hair, & is a short term effect. So
}      you should do this in the immediate vicinity of
}      the person(s) you're trying to attract, and to get
}      the maximum amount of body hair in contact with the
}      balloon you should do this while naked. Since opposites
}      attract once you're positive you'll attract negatives.
}      And we all know the world is full of them. You'll be
}      surrounded by people in no time!
}
} #2. Be a Person of Conviction!
}
}      No one likes the wishy washy. Be proud of your convictions.
}      Keep in mind some convictions make you more likable than
}      others. Good Convictions include embezzlement, tax fraud,
}      and cocaine cartel warlord. Bad convictions are child
}      abuse, necrophilia, and spamming.
}
} #3. Contribute Something!
}
}      No, we're not talking donating to the Red Cross here. We're
}      talking contributing to the group or being a part of the
}      conversation -- not being a lump on a log. Contributing
}      to the conversation requires wit, and wisdom, and keeping
}      abreast of world events. It's a lot of work. Best to just
}      contribute money -- if you're buying round after round of
}      drinks you are by definition very well liked by all. Bottom-
}      line: Don't go anywhere without your credit card.
}
} #4. Don't Smell Bad!
}
}      Not only females, but many men as well will not like being
}      around you if you stink to high heaven. This very simple
}      step is sometimes overlooked by "Please Like Me!" novices.
}      Keep in mind the Three "B"s. Brush teeth, Barf not, and
}      Butt sounds bad!
}
} #5. Ape the Successful!
}
}      See that guy or gal over there that's the center of attention?
}      See what they're doing different than you? Well, duh! Do what
}      they're doing! Undo all the buttons on your blouse, kick
}      the butt of everyone in the bar at arm wrestling, pull up in
}      a Ferrari, be related to the boss. What ever it is, you should
}      do it too! Ape your way to the top, that's called 'evolution'
}      my friend.
}
} }}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{
}
} You owe the Oracle some space.
}
} [1] Yes, it sounds backwards if you lost electrons you'd
}      think you'd be negative. Thank that idiot Ben Franklin
}      for naming the charges the opposite of what you'd
}      think intuitively. But hey, he's on the $100 dollar
}      bill which makes him -very- likable, so go figure.


1442-06    (13887 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Most Great and Wise Oracle, whose jokes are always funny or else,
> please fill me in on a vital piece of information I seem to be
> missing.  I have heard of black ants and fire ants, but what exactly
> is a consult ant?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplic ant, thy knowledge of Formicidae is indeed vast and duly
} admirable.  This pleases me greatly.  As you are aware, ants are a
} social insect.  Ants live and work in groups, generally called
} /colonies/.
}
} While the red ant and black ant are not terribly specialized, the
} consult ant has specialized considerably.  Consult ant colonies
} are typically engaged in symbiotic relationships with different
} species.  This is similar to various other symbiotic pairs, like
} the anemone and the clownfish.
}
} The consult ant typically engages in a form of symbiosis known as
} mutualism.  The host organism, usually a corporation, gains
} incrementally from the activities of the consult ants, whereas the
} consult ant colony derives all sustenance from the host organism.
} This subtlely differs from outright parasitism, where the host
} organism derives no benefit and is detrimentally affected,
} although if the consult ant colony overwhelms the host organism,
} this is what the symbiosis devolves into.
}
} In general, consult ant colonies do not directly benefit their
} host organisms nearly as much as their hosts benefit them.  The
} consult ants consume resources that would otherwise be consumed by
} the host organisms, and it is their waste (such as advertising
} materials, network upgrades, or obvious suggestions - the type of
} waste is determined by the particular species of consult ant)
} which indirectly creates a favorable environment for the host
} organism.
}
} No punchline for you, since consult ants just aren't that funny.
}
} You owe the Oracle 2 knock knock joke questions and 2 decks of
} playing cards with racy pictures.  (Lisa is out of town this week,
} and some of the guys are coming over.)


1442-07    (29583 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> tell me please, why am I unsuccessful with the ladies ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Drink provokes, and unprovokes;
} it provokes the desire, but it takes
} away the performance: drink persuades enboldens,
} and disheartens man; makes him stand to, and
} not stand to; in conclusion, makes him
} sleep, and, leaves him there snoring
} while she is left unhugged.
}
} You owe the Oracle an apology to Shakespeare.


1442-08    (27693 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Some people say that I talk too much but don't you believe them because
> you see there is a lot of stuff that needs to be said and I'm going to
> say it. Like the matter about the guy they traded to Cincinnatti. What a
> crock. No one would have done that if they know what was in store! But
> you know that's not the only thing. Last winter when it was snowing so
> hard, we got out my grampaw's heavy shovel, steel, not one of those
> lightweight aluminum ones, and cleared all the snow away from the door
> before the doctor came, and what do you know, the Cincinatti player
> showed up the next day, so it was quite a surprise. I used to work near
> one of those leather places, where they cut and grade leather, and one
> day I'm walking by and there in the doorway I see someone who looks just
> like the Cincinatti player! But it wasn't him, though, Somebody who
> looked a lot like him.
>
> Look, I got a problem. Sometimes while I'm talking people just walk
> away. They are so rude. How can I keep them from doing that?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Have you tried brushing your teeth twice in the morning?
}
} Once, I started brushing but then I forgot that I had brushed so I
} brushed again and then people started telling me how good my teeth were
} when I went to Chicago and Indiana, which had a nice pizza place called
} Itialianos where everybody was eating bacon pizzas which I think are
} disgusting but they enjoy them like anchovies at a disgusting foods
} convention which reminds me about the recent Otakon in Baltimore which
} I wanted to go to so bad but couldn't because it was august 10 to
} august 12 and I was out of town at the moment because I was in Indiana
} at this nice pizza place called Itialianos where everybody was eating
} bacon pizzas which I think are disgusting but they enjoy them like
} anchovies at a disgusting foods convention which reminds me that I
} already told you about Otakon but Otakon is amazing and fun and cool
} and super-awesome but I couldn't go because it was august 10-12 and
} I was in Indiana where there was a nice pizza place called Itialianos
} where everybody was eating bacon pizzas which I think are disgusting
} but they enjoy them like anchovies at a disgusting foods convention
} so I ate a bacon pizza and it tasted like back-hair pizza which I
} think would fit in at a disgusting foods convention which reminds me
} of Otakon in Baltimore which I missed because I was at Indiana where
} there was a nice pizza place called Itialianos where everybody was
} eating bacon pizzas which I think are disgusting but they enjoy them
} like anchovies at a disgusting foods convention and the bacon pizza
} tasted like back-hair pizza which would not fit in at Otakon unless
} they made an anime of it because Otakon is an anime convention where
} people dress up like anime characters and meet people who draw anime
} and they have a grand time and I really wanted to go I would've gone
} as Soma Cruz from Castlevania which is an awesome game where you go
} into a castle and you get to kill DRACULA but sometimes the plot is
} twisted so it's actually YOU who is Dracula but you don't want to be
} him so you try to defeat yourself or something, it's really wierd and
} I don't have time to explain because I'm eating a bacon pizza which
} tastes like back-hair pizza which would fit in at a disgusting foods
} convention and people are looking at me talk and talk and talk and I
} think some of them must know you because they're walking away rudely
} just like you and I think you might even be in this room cursing me
} and you at the same time but I don't want to be cursed because I like
} talking to people because, as you said, some things need to be said,
} like how I missed Otakon because I was in Indiana at this nice pizza
} place called Itialianos where everybody was eating bacon pizzas which I
} think are disgusting but they enjoy them like anchovies at a disgusting
} foods convention and in fact I'm there at the nice pizza place called
} Itialianos where everybody was eating bacon pizzas which I think are
} disgusting but they enjoy them like anchovies at a disgusting foods
} convention right now and people are still staring at me and it's
} making me really nervous so I'm going to stop talking as soon as I
} am done talking which should be right about now.
}
} Have you tried forcefully restraining them with Duct Tape?


1442-09    (67950 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Today's plan is to ask stupid questions before they can ask me. Am I
> half right?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, not at all.  Remember, there are no stupid questions, only stupid
} people who ask questions and get.... *ZOT* ....zotted.
}
} You owe the Oracle nothing, really, there's nothing of you left to
} give.


1442-10    (17b62 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> When will the bridge be done?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I told you, I'll have it ready for you as soon as I can!  Now stop
} bugging me.
}
} T. I. Oracle, D.D.S.
}
} P.S.: Do not forget your outstanding bill, which has been forwarded
} under separate cover.


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