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Internet Oracularities #1444

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Internet Oracularities #1444    (32 votes, 3.5 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 09 Sep 2008 08:38:49 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1444
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1444  32 votes 03ce3 3676a 14ae3 287b4 1g753 1965b 049c7 039aa 39c53 013ee
1444  3.5 mean  3.5   3.4   3.4   3.2   2.8   3.5   3.7   3.8   2.9   4.3


1444-01    (03ce3 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Big time Oracle most hugely successful & enormously smart,
>
> Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you
> do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob and I am an alcoholic'?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You're almost right. I *do* stand up and say, "My name is Bob and I am
} an alcoholic," but my name's Orrie, not Bob. So I remain anonymous, as
} long as nobody notices that I seem to be about eight feet tall, wear a
} luminous robe, appear to float above the ground instead of walking, and
} carry a mean ZOT. Other than that, we're all alcoholics, we're all Bob,
} and we are all anonymous.
}
} You owe the Oracle a case of Stolichnaya.


1444-02    (3676a dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <drnoe@roadrunner.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle!  Carrying all your medals were supposed to be a
> challenge in 'The world's strongest man', but it had to canceled, as
> everyone failed!
>
> Where's the line between bravery and stupidity?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [ In a really huge parking lot, Disneyland-sized, you
}    *have* to take the tram to get from your car to the
}    entrance. In the lot standing near a white van are
}    The Oracle, Zadoc, and the supplicant. Inside the
}    van we can see Kendai sitting behind the steering
}    wheel. ]
}
} Oracle: Fine! Stay in the car, but the battery better
}          not be drained when we get back this time. And
}          no pot smoking in the van!
}
} Kendai: {mumbles something}
}
} [ A tram pulls up, the three get on it and ride towards
}    the complexes in the distance. On the way they listen
}    to the driver prattle over a tinny loudspeaker. ]
}
} Driver: [sounding bored] Welcome to Attributeland. The
}          place where you get to pick what you are, to
}          pick what you want to be. No picking pockets
}          though please. [ uneasy silence as though he
}          expects someone to laugh, which Zadoc almost
}          does until The Oracle scowls at him.] On your
}          left you see...
}
} [ Inside the park. The place is crammed. A man dressed
}    up as a cloud approaches. ]
}
} Cloud: Welcome! Can I help you?
}
} Supplicant: Yes, the line for stupidity?
}
} Cloud: It's that long one over ther. . .
}
} ////////////// horrible screeching sound /////////////
}
} No, no, no! This isn't working. The answer is getting
} too cumbersome and is in it's own way. Just a second.
} Hmm, here. Try this one instead.
}
} \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
}
} [ An army training ground. A forbidding obstacle course
}    layout looms before three men that are being yelled
}    at by drill argent. ]
}
} Sgt: You will run as far and as fast as you can out
}       into this minefield! In the distance is your
}       goal, The Line of Bravery!
}
} Kendai: Whoa! My tunes! Where's the van?
}
} SGT: DID I TELL YOU TO SPEAK!
}
} [ Kendai blinks nervously ]
}
} Zadoc: Here I go!
}
} SGT: NOT YET YOU MORON!
}
} [ A powerful explosion sends Zadoc pinwheeling through
}    the sky. He lands with a resounding THUMP!]
}
} Supplicant: OHMIGAWD!
}
} [ In the distance Zadoc weakly holds up one thumb to
}    let us know he's OK. ]
}
} SGT: He crossed the line of stupidity. This yellow one
}       at your feet.
}
} Kendai: This is messed up.
}
} [ The Sargent draws his service pistol & steps towards
}    Kendai. ]
}
} SGT: DID I TELL YOU TO SPEAK!?!?!
}
} \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ horrible screeching sound \\\\\\\\\\\\
}
} Way too violent. And the implications. A minefield of
} what? Ideals gone wrong, bad intentions and unintended
} consequences? I need a much shorter answer. With less
} mayhem. Note to self: Have some band-aids sent over to
} Zadoc's cell tonight.
}
} //////////////////////////////////////////////////////
}
}  > Where's the line between bravery and stupidity?
}
} If it was a line it'd be easy to find. Think of the
} gap between them being a smokescreen of ambiguity
} fueled by the twin smoldering fires of glory seeking
} and beer induced madness.
}
} ////////////// horrible screeching sound \\\\\\\\\\\\
}
} What a bunch of bull. Sounds like a college student on
} an X jag. Grr. Back to square one.
}
}   /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
}
} Supplicant: Yes, the line for stupidity?
}
} Cloud: It's that long one over there.
}
} Zadoc: And the line for bravery?
}
} Cloud: It's the one over there near the tiger cages,
}         winding through the bubbling lava pits, next
}         to the alley by the biker bar.
}
} Oracle: And between the two, that line there? The
}          line full of, what are those? Puns & oblique
}          references to half-remembered intellectual
}          pursuits from the past, clueless jibes and
}          truly amusing riffs?
}
} Cloud: Sir, that is no ordinary line. It's The Queue.
}         Notice how they're all looking at you?
}
} Those in The Queue: [ All yelling at once ] How much
}         wood would a... Why do we park on driveways?
}         42! 42! Do you know the way to San Jose? I...
}
} Oracle: NOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
}
} [ fade to black ]


1444-03    (14ae3 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh might Oracle, who eats seven Al Gores for breakfast and spits back
> his (corrected) idioms:
>
> Where were the lessons of the sixties misplaced?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}        Top Ten Lessons Learned in the Sixties,
}                  Where are They Now?
}
} 10. Ready access to psychotropic drugs isn't really
}      a good idea.
}
}      Current Location: Out of Rehab, in a rave, out
}      of rehab, in a rave. REPEAT ad nausea
}
} 09. Russia is not a worker's utopia
}
}      Current Location: South Ossetia
}
} 08. Non-violent protest leads to getting the tar
}      kicked out of you.
}
}      Current Location: Last seen in Red China, rumored
}      to be heading to Denver
}
} 07. College is a good place to meet your significant
}      other
}
}      Current Location: Hasn't moved an inch
}
} 06. Gurus are really money/power hungry frauds
}
}      Current Location: Last public appearance at
}      Heaven's Gate compound Carlsbad, CA, now
}      on land locked sail boat at Gold Base eating
}      cheetos and watching 'Vanilla Sky' DVD over &
}      over again.
}
} 05. Music that sounded good when you were stoned
}      losses something when you're stone sober
}
}     Current Location: on any "Death In Vegas" CD
}
} 04. The Government has some seriously messed up
}      weapons labs working on things that are more
}      dangerous than even they imagine
}
}     Current Location: [ ***** ***** ** ]
}
} 03. Television is Evil
}
}      Current Location: cable
}
} 02. Casual sex leads to complicated problems
}
}      Current Location: cable TV programing
}
} 01. Hot pants are hot
}
}      Current Location: Killed by Widespread Obesity
}      and okay, Common Decency had a hand in it too.
}
} You owe the Oracle a clam bake.


1444-04    (287b4 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle ever-eloquent, whom it's so comfortable being around, even
> just saying nothing,
>
> Who invented the remix album?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Romulus,
}
} of the early Latin duo "Romulus and Remix".


1444-05    (1g753 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> if the persians invaded greece today, what should the ships be made of?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I understand they're working on uranium.


1444-06    (1965b dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oraculo Esplendoroso, whose chilis are rellenos and whose frijoles are
> refritos, I have a question. (Tengo la pregunta.) Why does Mexican music
> sound so German? It's like a German oom-pah band with Spanish words and
> maybe a few trumpets. Verrueckt. Loco. Did Germany buy Mexico while I
> wasn't looking?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, they annexed it.
}
} As you don't know, back in the days of Napoleon III, France controlled
} Mexico.  When the United States Civil War ended, Napoleon withdrew
} his troops from Mexico, leaving Maximilan floundering and eventually
} foundering there.  But although he (Maximilian) was killed by the
} republicans, who came into de facto power, they never regained de
} jure power.  This is because of the 1859 reform laws, which were still
} in effect (according to the republicans).  You see, the reform laws,
} which were designed to separate church and state, included clauses
} designed to prevent the takeover of the government by a high church
} official.  One such law was so badly worded as to inadvertently make
} the death of Maximilian and the consequent takeover of the government
} by the republicans illegal according to the republicans' own laws,
} so that Maximilian's heir, Augustin III, actually became rightful
} ruler of Mexico (just as he claimed).
}
} Fast-forward to 1940.  The Third Republic had been in place in France
} for many years, but, unbeknownst to France, it never relinquished its
} official hold on Mexico.  The ruler of Mexico was now Empress Maria
} Josepha (as she called herself and as she was, though most people
} called her Princess Maria).
}
} Then, in June of 1940, Germany and France signed what was called the
} Second Armistice at Compiegne.  It stipulated that 60% of mainland
} France go to Germnay, along with all overseas possessions.  Now,
} Germany never did anything about those possessions, but it technically
} annexed them.
}
} In May of 1945, Germany surrendered to the Allies.  The preliminary
} divvying up of Germany's land had been done at the Yalta Conference
} in February, but it was finalized in June of 1945 with the Potsdam
} Agreement, which listed all the lands that Germany had annexed or
} owned -- including Germany itself -- and what was to go to whom.
} But the list was not all-inclusive, as no one realized that Germany
} now owned Mexico.  Now, by long-standing international custom, any
} lands not claimed by the victors remain in the possession of the one
} who lost the war.  In this case, Germany retained possession of Mexico.
}
} When the land of Germany was occupied (1945 to 1949) per the Potsdam
} Agreement (and so were other possessions), Mexico was not.  Thus, even
} though there was no German government with any power, the country of
} Germany lived on, with practical existence only in its territorial
} possession of Mexico.  When the countries of East Germany and West
} Germany were created in 1949, West Germany inherited all of the Third
} Reich's possessions (i.e., Mexico) by the terms of the Grundgesetz.
}
} And modern-day Germany, of course, is just a renaming of West Germany
} after it annexed East Germany (a voluntary annexation).
}
} So there you have it, Supplicant.  Germany annexed Mexico back in 1940,
} and retains it to this day, which explains the music.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bratwurst enchilada.


1444-07    (049c7 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and almighty Oracle... I come to thee in search for an answer
> to my doubts...
>
> This is my question great Oracle - Who do you prefer: pirates or
> ninjas?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's pretty obvious. Here look at these comparisons:
} =============================================================
}
} Appearance:
}
} Pirates = A colorful array of styles adorned with jewelery,
}            gold buttons and weapons. Bright headscarves or
}            a menacing tricorner hat. Big ol' boots and an
}            optional parrot or monkey on the shoulder. Dueling
}            scars that show character. Homemade Prostheses that
}            show their respect for the heroically handicapped.
}
} Ninjas = Black everything, Burka boring. Probably homely
}            faces under those masks.
}
} Advantage -> Pirates!
} =============================================================
}
} Speech:
}
} Pirates = A fun mish-mash of English, French, Spanish, and
}            Portuguese sprinkled with swear words from around
}            the world. Heck, to this day cultured first world
}            nations hold "Speak Like a Pirate" Day. Arrrrr!
}
} Ninjas = total silence, most likely incapable of speech let
}            alone raucous tunes like the way cool pirates sing
}
} Advantage -> Pirates!
} ==============================================================
}
} Lifestyle:
}
} Pirates = World travel by low carbon footprint sailboat, wealth
}            shared by all on the crew, lots of parties, lots of
}            drink, camaraderie and adventure. A lifestyle celebrated
}            everywhere, from Disneyland to the shores of present
}            day Somalia
}
} Ninjas = solitary slinking about in the shadows
}
} Advantage -> Pirates!
} ===============================================================
}
} Battle style:
}
} Pirates = Teamwork emphasizing the manly wielding of heavy hacking
}            blades. Huge balls of iron shot out of massive cannons.
}            Plank-walking entertainment afterwards to wind down with
}
} Ninjas = jump out of the dark, throw a goofy little pointy star at
}            some innocent maiden's forehead, then scream and leap
}            away.
}
} Advantage -> Pirates
} ================================================================
}
} Celebrities:
}
} Pirates = Blackbeard, Black Bart, Anne Bonny, Henry Morgan,
}            Calico Jack, Khair ad Din, Captain Kidd, and the
}            beloved by rhod, the Oracle experience's own, the
}            one and only, totally fair & unbiased in his astute
}            assessments - Hook.
}
} Ninjas = none
}
} Advantage -> Pirates
} =================================================================
}
} You owe the Oracle some brass cleaner.


1444-08    (039aa dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Overflowing Oracle, my mind is totally blank. Please give me something
> to think about.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No.no.no.
}
} [ Oracle places the palm of his hand on his forehead. ]
}
} FAIL.
}
} People spend their lifetimes trying to reach that zen
} state of no-mind, clear of the nagging of the id, free
} of the constant chatter from within. And here, you, on
} your own achieve that and BAM. You want to fill your
} head with noise.
}
} OK, fine.
}
}   -----------------------------------------------------
}        Ten Ways to Fill Your Head with Thoughts
}         that will Linger and Linger and Linger
}   -----------------------------------------------------
}
} 10. Amateur Internet Pr0n -- what on Earth motivates
}      all of those people to debase themselves so and
}      OHMIGAWD, No. Did.not.want.to.see.that. <shudder>
}      Must erase. MUST ERASE MIND.
}
} 09. Ride "It's a Small World" at Disneyland once
}      in your lifetime. People that have already are,
}      even before this sentence is over, having their
}      inner world flooded with a non-stop loop of noise.
}
} 08. Have some kids, all day, heck even as you sleep
}      you'll wonder what they're up to
}
} 07. Become a Catholic, 24 hour a day guilt
}
} 05. Wonder why there's never a #6
}
} 04. Get sent to prison, you'll be worrying about things
}      you never even thought about before so hard and so
}      often your brow will bleed
}
} 03. Rip up your college degrees, give away all your assets,
}      and hit the road with only what you can carry. Wait
}      about 24 hours. Now what are you going to do? Every
}      second will become an existential focal point that would
}      make Camus proud of you, if he hadn't been killed by a
}      car driven by Kafka's drunken bastard step-lovechild.
}
} 02. Go Emo.
}
} 01. Keep submitting questions to the Oracle queue until
}      you get the complete works of Shakespeare mailed back
}      to you with "You owe the Oracle 7 tons of bananas" at
}      the end.
}
} See, weren't you better off not having anything to think
} of? Hmm, hmm?
}
} You owe the Oracle a way to prevent the wheat virus that
} is poised to decimate the world's food supply by 2012.


1444-09    (39c53 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, I am so new to this whole thing. Would you believe I've
> never heard of this before? But I am a great admirer of creativity,
> and try to provide my own whenever I can. Do you think I'm cut out for
> helping you out for the next while?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ordinarily I'd say no, but the last batch of questions to come through
} have been so lame, I'd almost prefer to have the tired ones from 13
} years ago reappear instead. Whatever you can accomplish will be
} appreciated, by someone, somewhere.
}
} You owe the Oracle your best effort in transcribing his answers, as
} well. In particular, when you hear me say, "Gaak! Bzlpfft-shplzzt!"
} please remember that I've got an answer for that poor supplicant that's
} so humorous, so side-splitting, that I can hardly get the words out of
} my mouth. Please do not transcribe it as, "I really don't know anything
} about that, and haven't the faintest idea." I'm *omniscient* dammit,
} and I most certainly *do* know. Also remember that the humble null
} question has provoked me, on occasion, into some quite imaginative
} answers.


1444-10    (013ee dist, 4.3 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ....hello? Oh, thank god, finally. I've been stuck in your call-waiting
> queue for days, I completely lost track of time, I think I might have
> fallen asleep once or twice. Anyway. Oracle, baby, I'm calling from
> the merchandising agency, and we've got this great new toy spinoff
> for this year's Christmas sea son. You'll love it. We just need your
> approval before we start production.
>
> Plush doll with a touch-sensitive voice chip. We're calling it
> "Question Me Orrie". Whaddaya think?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [ A bedroom door opens, the hall light floods in
}    and lands upon the parent's bed getting there at
}    about the same time as little Bobby, the bundle
}    of joy who had opened the door. ]
}
} Bobby: Mommy! Mommy! Daddy! Wake up! It's Christmas!
}         IT'S CHRISTMAS!
}
} [ A bit later the family trudges downstairs. Bobby
}    starts shredding the packages open in a manic air
}    of greed. This halts as he opens the box with
}    his "Question Me Orrie Plush Doll" (QmOPD) inside. ]
}
} Bobby: What is this?
}
} QmOPD: This is a pronoun. You owe me some of that.
}
} Bobby: Huh?
}
} QmOPD: No Grovel. ZOT!
}
} [ Bobby drops the doll, his hair is all standing on
}    end. ]
}
} Bobby: Mommy!
}
} QmOPD: No, guess again. Think more along the lines
}         of an old bearded immortal. You owe me the
}         contents of your Christmas stocking.
}
} Daddy: Ask it a question Bobby. It will answer it
}         for you.
}
} Bobby: It hurted me.
}
} Mommy: I told you he was too young for it doofus.
}
} Bobby: Why do you call daddy that?
}
} QmOPD: She's ticked at him for banging her sister
}         last Halloween. He said her witch mask made
}         him think it was Mommy. You owe me a candied
}         apple.
}
} Bobby: Banging?
}
} QmOPD: A polite euphemism fo...
}
} [ Mommy snatches the doll out of Bobby's hands and
}    tosses it in the fire. ]
}
} Daddy: Why the hell did you do that?
}
} QmOPD: She doesn't want him to grow up to fast, or ever
}         even, that's why at 14 he still calls her Mommy
}         and you Daddy. Speaking of hell, it's kind of hot
}         in this fire. You owe the me a really big bucket
}         of water like RIGHT NOW!
}
} Bobby: He smells funny when he burns doesn't he Mommy?
}
} QmOPD: We all do Bobby, we all do. You owe the Oracle a
}         <pifft> Ow, man this hurts! Erkptt... zorrtkt.
}
} Bobby: Bawaaaa waaaaaaaaaaaaa....
}
} Daddy: That's just great Shelia. Cost us $200 bucks and
}         now it's a melting blob. And the kid is bawling
}         his eyes out. See what you did? Are you happy?
}
} QmOPD: bu shpx V'z ba sver lbh bjr zr n arj fbhy
}
} [ fade to black ]


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