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Internet Oracularities #1445

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Internet Oracularities #1445    (28 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 02 Oct 2008 13:02:03 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line.  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1445
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1445  28 votes 12d75 038b6 57682 26749 35a55 07e61 038b6 04987 37792 6b911
1445  3.2 mean  3.5   3.7   2.8   3.4   3.1   3.0   3.7   3.6   3.0   2.3


1445-01    (12d75 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Awe inspiring Oracle, Step-Parent of the Past and Father of the
> Future, Uncle of the Here & Now,
>
> What do I do if I receive a violation notice?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You curse three times, wad it up, toss it in the dumpster, then send
} a lit match and a sneer in after it. As the flames rise, you take a
} swig or three of the bourbon you keep in your coat pocket. They just
} don't get it, you mutter under your breath. They just don't get it.
} Warmed but not soothed by the drink, you curse once more for good
} measure, climb into your rig and pull forward half a length so you're
} not parked next to the city's precious fire hydrant. There! Happy
} now? Sheesh! And it's back to work as you put your face shield back
} down and grab a hose.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Dalmatian.


1445-02    (038b6 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, kind sir. Father figure. Please answer my humble question.
>
> We just had a baby and worry that we are being bad parents. What advice
> or words of wisdom do you have for us?
>
> Thank you!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You can find ten of thousands of baby hints on the Internet,
} but they are all common and ordinary, unlike *your* baby.
}
} The Oracle grew up at time when Heroes walked the land and
} demi-gods could be seen at the local drinking hole - and not
} one of them had parents that worried about the right kind of
} stroller to buy, or whether their diaper choices were causing
} the Earth's climate to careen out of control.
}
} Gentle supplicant, you are indeed in for a treat as the Oracle
} is happy to share with you:
}
}           The Top Ten Baby Rearing Hints of The Gods
}
} 10. Dangerous Creatures not fuzzy stuffed animals build
}     character. Hercules played with venomous snakes as an
}     infant. Hermes' first pets were a herd of stolen cows
}     which he later gutted, using their intestines to wrap
}     around the shattered hull of a pet turtle he smashed open.
}     They both went on to eternal fame, owning every Beanie
}     Baby ever made can't do that for you.
}
} 09. Diet counts. Zeus grew up on goat's milk and honey, while
}     paradoxically his father Cronus dined exclusively on his
}     own kids -- which comes full circle with Zeus' daughter
}     Athene's baby formula being the brow sweat of her father.
}     The point here is, strained peas and Zwieback don't turn
}     out immortals -- icky stuff does, be creative!
}
} 08. Don't Let the Little Tyke Watch TV. Read Hesiod as many
}     times as you want, not once is TV mentioned as a passive
}     babysitter. Enough Said.
}
} 07. No pampering, not even a band-aid. Hanuman would have been
}     just another monkey faced demi-god if kindly Indra hadn't
}     dislocated the kid's jaw with a thunderbolt. Achilles' mom
}     tried her best to drown the tyke in a 'magic well'. Tough
}     love is for kids, near death experiences are for kings.
}
} 06. Start accumulation of job experience early. Hestia was attending
}     the Hearth from second one of her existence. Hebe was waiting
}     tables at Olympus as soon as she was taller than the cups she
}     carried. Perseus went straight from a rickety floating crib to
}     working on a fishing boat. A little hard work never hurt any
}     man, a lot of hard work for a baby makes them a superman.
}
} 05. Hire a good tutor. You really can't go wrong with a centaur.
}     Jason had a centaur tutor, as did Achilles. They do require
}     a lot of upkeep, and are known to kill a few hundred folks
}     now and then when drunk, but hey, they won't molest your kid
}     or waste weeks of the child's life making dinosaur dioramas
}     or vinegar spewing 'volcanoes'.
}
} 04. Designer clothes' sole purpose is to let others know you
}     aren't broke, you and your child are beyond this. Venus went
}     about in little more than sea-foam as a toddler, Hercules was
}     pretty much constantly skyclad until he ripped the skin of a
}     lion, on his own mind you. Quetzalcoatl wore a handful of green
}     feathers and some gore for his formative years attire.
}
} 03. Have a soothsayer check out the kid early in life. Nothing like
}     knowing you're destined to have the roots of the world tree
}     watered with your blood, or that you're going to kill your dad
}     to give one a sense of direction. No mindless drifting to who-
}     knows-what-end for a Hero.
}
} 02. Hero's have Heroic Heirlooms. No picture of Grandma at Woodstock
}     for your kid. Think more along the lines of a Falcon Cloak and
}     a cat drawn chariot. Or a khatvanga and a garland of skulls.
}     These kinds of gifts proceed Greatness in a way a rusty trumpet
}     or an annoyingly high-pitched music box can't.
}
} 01. It's kind of late for this for the current kid, but for the next
}     one get a bit more creative with the act of conception. Hanuman's
}     involved a kite and pudding. The Kindly Ones were the results of
}     some scythe severed nuts. And Europa's birth and the child of the
}     comely Pasiphae both were preceded by foreplay involving bulls.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pair of talking ravens.


1445-03    (57682 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise,
>
> Do Underwear cops know any other tricks?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Have you ever noticed how some people, if you ask them a question, will
} answer an entirely different one instead? Some of those people are
} politicians, others are from the government and here to help you, and a
} few of the remaining ones are oracles.
}
} Now you know why you are not always happy with my answers.


1445-04    (26749 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's the best way to use the left-handed sword?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sinisterly.


1445-05    (35a55 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Racle,
>
> I am having trouble writing my dissertation.  Can you assist?  It's
> about something.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Thank you for your purchase of _Racle-brand Autothesis!  You have made
} the right choice in using good US currency instead of crawling on your
} hands and knees over broken glass to your advisor!  Just fill in the
} blanks and you will have an effective and unique thesis that will get
} you a passing grade, if not published in the journal of [insert
} customer's department here]!  Satisfaction "guaranteed"!
}
} ---
}
} ____________ __________ Methods Using ___________ Information
} [customer's name here]
}
} Abstract
}
} Many theorists would agree that, had it not been for ________________,
} the development of _______ might never have occurred [6]. In this work,
} we show the evaluation of __________ , which embodies the key principles
} of _________ systems. In order to achieve this purpose, we construct a
} mobile _____ for enabling _________ ([acronym]), proving that
} ____________ ________ and __________ are generally incompatible.
}
} Table of Contents
}
} 1) Introduction
} 2) Related Work
} 3) [acronym] Investigation
} 4) Implementation
} 5) Experimental Evaluation
}      * 5.1) _____________ Configuration
}      * 5.2) Experiments and Results
} 6) Conclusion
}
} 1  Introduction
}
} __________ must work. The notion that ________ engineers interfere with
} _____ is continuously considered appropriate. Given the current status
} of ______ symmetries, __________ daringly desire the deployment of
} ______ _______. Thus, the visualization of the ____________ split and
} unstable ___________ are often at odds with the evaluation of
} evolutionary ____________.
}
} [acronym], our new framework for _________ ________olgies, is the
} solution to all of these issues. The shortcoming of this type of method,
} however, is that ______________ and ____ [6] are entirely incompatible.
} It should be noted that our methodology is derived from the exploration
} of ______. By comparison, although conventional wisdom states that this
} riddle is generally fixed by the evaluation of _______ , we believe that
} a different solution is necessary. Unfortunately, this method is
} regularly encouraging. Clearly, [acronym] provides flexible
} methodologies.
}
} The roadmap of the paper is as follows. First, we ________the need for
} _______. On a similar note, we validate the understanding of
} ____________ _________. Finally, we conclude.
}
} 2  Related Work
}
} Although [name] et al. also motivated this approach, we enabled it
} independently and simultaneously [6]. [name] described several
} __________ approaches [6], and reported that they have tremendous
} influence on the evaluation of __________. Continuing with this
} rationale, instead of synthesizing __________ ____________ [4], we
} accomplish this intent simply by deploying cooperative ___________ [20].
} Our design avoids this overhead. Along these same lines, the choice of
} the ____________ in [2] differs from ours in that we synthesize only
} ________ ___________ in [acronym]. It remains to be seen how valuable
} this research is to the __________ community. Although [name] and [name]
} also described this approach, we studied it independently and
} simultaneously.
}
} The concept of ___________ _______ologies has been enabled before in the
} literature [13]. Similarly, [name] suggested a scheme for enabling
} _________ __________, but did not fully realize the implications of
} consistent ________ at the time. Simplicity aside, [acronym] synthesizes
} even more accurately. Instead of harnessing ______ [9], we solve this
} issue simply by analyzing _______ [7,7,8,14,12]. The little-known
} methodology by [name] does not measure _________ as well as our
} solution [13,5,15,17]. Recent work by [name] suggests a heuristic for
} __________ the _________ of ________ , but does not offer an
} implementation.
}
} 3  [acronym] Investigation
}
} In this section, we explore a methodology for exploring __________
} theory [15]. Similarly, we show a methodology for ___________ in Figure
} 1. We instrumented a _______ , over the course of several months,
} arguing that our methodology is solidly grounded in reality. Despite the
} fact that _______ experts often assume the exact opposite, [acronym]
} depends on this property for correct behavior. We use our previously
} refined results as a basis for all of these assumptions.
}
} [first diagram]
}
} Figure 1: A diagram depicting the relationship between our system and
} ________ modalities.
}
} We consider a solution consisting of ________ __________. Any natural
} development of the construction of the ________ will clearly require
} that the ________ [6] and ________ are mostly incompatible; our approach
} is no different. This may or may not actually hold in reality. We assume
} that ___________ methodologies can request symbiotic _________ without
} needing to visualize __________. Therefore, the framework that our
} algorithm uses is not always feasible.
}
} 4  Implementation
}
} After several weeks of onerous ___________ , we finally have a working
} implementation of [acronym]. we have not yet implemented the centralized
} __________ facility, as this is the least unfortunate component of
} [acronym]. Further, we have not yet implemented the __________
} _________, as this is the least ________ component of [acronym].
} [acronym] is composed of a ____________ compiler, a __________________
} system, and a __________ of 36 __________. This is crucial to the
} success of our work. We have not yet implemented the __________
} __________, as this is the least robust component of ________. We plan
} to release all of this under public domain.
}
} 5  Experimental Evaluation
}
} Our evaluation strategy represents a valuable research contribution in
} and of itself. Our overall evaluation seeks to prove three hypotheses:
} (1) that an ___________ complexity is not as important as an
} ____________ historical ______when minimizing average ______; (2) that
} we can do a whole lot to adjust an __________; and finally (3) that
} ________ stayed constant across successive generations. Unlike other
} authors, we have decided not to synthesize _________. It might seem
} counterintuitive but has ample historical precedence. Unlike other
} authors, we have decided not to deploy _________. Our logic follows a
} new model: _________ is king only as long as __________ takes a back
} seat to _________. Our evaluation strives to make these points clear.
}
} 5.1  _____________ Configuration
}
} [second diagram, with two axes]
}
} Figure 2: The average __________of [acronym], compared with the other
} solutions [3].
}
} We modified our standard __________ as follows: we carried out a
} __________ deployment on [school]'s __________ to disprove the
} __________ behavior of discrete __________. Had we simulated our
} ________, as opposed to _______ it in ________ , we would have seen
} degraded results. To begin with, we added more _________ to our
} __________ to probe methodologies. Similarly, we added more ______ to
} the ________ theoretic overlay __________. On a similar note, Japanese
} ________ removed some _____ from our _________ to measure ___________'s
} lack of influence on the __________. With this change, we noted
} exaggerated ___________.
}
} [third picture, this time a bar graph]
}
} Figure 3: The expected ________ of [acronym], compared with the other
} frameworks.
}
} We _______ [acronym] on commodity __________, such as ______ and
} ________. our experiments soon proved that monitoring our discrete
} _________ was more effective than making _________, as previous work
} suggested [11]. Our experiments soon proved that refactoring our
} _____________ was more effective than ________ them, as previous work
} suggested. Similarly, we implemented our __________ in _________,
} augmented with _______________ extensions. We note that other
} researchers have tried and failed to enable this functionality.
}
} [graph over time]
}
} Figure 4: The mean time since 1970 of [acronym], as a function of
} __________.
}
} 5.2  Experiments and Results
}
} figure3.png
}
} Figure 5: The median distance of [acronym], compared with the other
} _________.
}
} Is it possible to justify the great pains we took in our __________?
} Unlikely. We ran four novel experiments: (1) we ran 89 trials with a
} simulated __________, and compared results to our earlier deployment;
} (2) we measured __________ as a function of __________ on an ______; (3)
} we measured ________ as a function of __________ on an _________; and
} (4) we ran 41 trials with a simulated _________, and compared results to
} our _________. We discarded the results of some earlier experiments,
} notably when we deployed 24 ________ across the ___________, and tested
} our ____________ accordingly.
}
} We first illuminate experiments (3) and (4) enumerated above. These
} ___________observations contrast to those seen in earlier work [19],
} such as [name] seminal treatise on _________ and observed ______. Note
} the heavy _______ on the _______ in Figure 2, exhibiting duplicated
} __________. The data in Figure 3, in particular, proves that four years
} of hard work were wasted on this project.
}
} Shown in Figure 5, experiments (2) and (4) enumerated above call
} attention to our ____________'s average ___________ ratio [18]. Note how
} rolling out _________ rather than _________ them in __________ produce
} less discretized, more reproducible results. Next, the curve in Figure 2
} should look familiar; it is better known as ________ = n. Note how
} rolling out _________ rather than s____________ produce less
} discretized, more reproducible results [16,21].
}
} Lastly, we discuss experiments (1) and (3) enumerated above. Gaussian
} ____________in our ___________ caused unstable experimental results [1].
} Along these same lines, bugs in our system caused the unstable behavior
} throughout the experiments [10]. The many __________ in the graphs point
} to duplicated ___________ introduced with our ____________ upgrades.
}
} 6  Conclusion
}
} In this position paper we confirmed that ________ and __________ can
} connect to overcome this quandary. Next, we concentrated our efforts on
} demonstrating that ____________ and ____________ can agree to fulfill
} this purpose. In fact, the main contribution of our work is that we
} examined how the _________ can be applied to the construction of
} _________. We plan to make our methodology available on the Web for
} public download.
}
} References
}
} [1] Bachman, C., Turing, A., and Suzuki, L. ______________. Journal of
} _____________ 883 (Mar. 2003), 159-194.
}
} [2] Backus, J., and Tanenbaum, A. The impact of unstable _________ on
} artificial ___________. Journal of ____________ 19 (Jan. 2000), 87-109.
}
} [3] Clarke, E., Estrin, D., Stearns, R., Anderson, a., Supplicant,
} Tanenbaum, A., Sato, K. H., Bose, H., and Wilkinson, J. ________-based,
} reliable ___________ for evolutionary ___________. In Proceedings of the
} Conference on ___________ Models (Mar. 1992).
}
} [4] Clarke, E., and Quinlan, J. Enabling the ___________ problem using
} efficient theory. In Proceedings of _____ (July 2005).
}
} [5] Davis, Q., and Milner, R. Towards the construction of ________
} coherence. Tech. Rep. 75-75, University of ________ Dakota, May 1992.
}
} [6] Garey, M., Sasaki, Z., Hartmanis, J., and Papadimitriou, C. The
} relationship between _________ and __________. Journal of __________
} Methodologies 60 (June 2000), 78-98.
}
} [7] Gupta, S., Sankaranarayanan, U., Garey, M., Kubiatowicz, J., and
} Wang, a. The relationship between _______ and virtual _______ using
} ________. In Proceedings of _______ (Aug. 2001).
}
} [8] Harris, G., Clarke, E., and Zhou, a. _______-theoretic, ________
} theory. Journal of ________ Methodologies 14 (June 2004), 58-68.
}
} [9] Harris, H., Martin, B., Moore, W., and Bhabha, O. An exploration of
} __________. In Proceedings of _____ (July 1990).
}
} [10] Hawking, S. UrithEscot: Study of ____. Tech. Rep. 9347/56, UIUC,
} June 2001.
}
} [11] Hoare, C. A. R., and Wilson, D. A case for _________.  _____
} Technical Review 3 (Nov. 1999), 20-24.
}
} [12] Jackson, X., Kobayashi, X. V., and Shamir, A. Deploying ______
} models using __________ methods. Journal of Automated ________ 12 (Jan.
} 1999), 44-52.
}
} [13] Levy, H. A construction of _______ using _____. OSR 11 (Jan.
} 2003), 77-99.
}
} [14] Milner, R., Hartmanis, J., Johnson, D., and Floyd, S. An
} investigation of _______. In Proceedings of ___ (Apr. 1997).
}
} [15] Orrie. The effect of _______ technology on ________. In
} Proceedings of ____ (Jan. 2005).
}
} [16] Rahul, X. DotyKelt: Ambimorphic methodologies. Journal of _________
} Theory 41 (Sept. 2005), 20-24.
}
} [17] Scott, D. S., and Floyd, R. Contrasting _________ and consistent
} _________. OSR 42 (Nov. 2002), 58-64.
}
} [18] Shenker, S., Takahashi, T. C., and Hamming, R. Decoupling _______
} from __________ in reinforcement _________. In Proceedings of ____
} (Sept. 1996).
}
} [19] Smith, J., Jacobson, V., and Narayanaswamy, Y. Visualizing ______
} using _________ modalities. _____ Rep. 1778, CMU, Feb. 1992.
}
} [20] Stallman, R. Deconstructing the ________. Journal of _________ 67
} (Oct. 2005), 1-18.
}
} [21] Williams, P., and Hartmanis, J. Deconstructing _________ using
} _________. Journal of ______________ 69 (Feb. 2003), 155-194.


1445-06    (07e61 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What happens when we die?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I don't die.  So you should have said, "What happens when I die?"
}
} But you didn't grovel.  So you should have said, at the least, "O
} Oracle most wise, what happens when I die?"
}
} And that question is not very specific.  I know what you meant, of
} course, being omniscient, but you should word the question more
} precisely.  You should have said, "O Oracle most wise, what happens to
} me when I die?"
}
} And then there's the tense issue.  You should have said, "O Oracle most
} wise, what will happen to me when I die?"
}
} You will be cremated.
}
} You owe the Oracle an urn.


1445-07    (038b6 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have just learned that I know nothing at all about the hazards of
> microcosmic radiation. Please tell me what I should do.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Look, if you just read the manual...  no, wait, you lost it, didn't you?
}   *sigh*  I've got a copy that CERN gave to me somewhere around here.
}
} /-----
} |  Small Hadron Collider (tm)
} |
} |  SAFTEY HAZZARDS
} |
} |  It can be fun to make your own subatomic discoveries with this
} |  particle accellerator for the home, there are some hazzards you
} |  must be cautious of.
} |
} |  * NEVER allow small children, animals or evil geniuses to operate
} |    the Small Hadron Collider.
} |  * If the power cables for the Small Hadron Collider appear frayed
} |    or melted, DO NOT turn it on.
} |  * The Small Hadron Collider has been known to destabilize the
} |    relationship between mass, gravity and space.  If you experience
} |    weight gain during operation, turn off the Small Hadron Collider
} |    IMMEDIATELY.
} |  * For simliar reasons mentioned above, nearby triangles may
} |    contain GREATER than 180 degrees after operating the Small
} |    Hadron Collider.
} |  * Some users have experienced sub-nuclear singularities (aka "black
} |    holes") after turning off the containment field.  It is important
} |    that this singularity remain WITHOUT AN ELECTRICAL CHARGE until
} |    it evaporates -- always wear a static wrist-guard when using the
} |    Small Hadron Collider.
} |  * If the singularity is charged, keep anything made of matter or
} |    energy away from the event horizon until it evaporates.  Resulting
} |    Hawking radiation may induce super-powers, cancer, or super-powered
} |    cancer.
} |  * If during operation of the Small Hadron Collider, you are
} |    confronted by an parallel universe version of yourself, AVOID
} |    CONTACT IF POSSIBLE.  Look for signs of evil twin-ness, such as
} |    goatees or dressing more slutty than you would ever dare sober.
} |  * Theorists speculate that the energies generated by the Small
} |    Hadron Collider are sufficient to give birth to a microcosmos
} |    (aka "baby universes").  Although any such microcosmos would be
} |    in a parallel reality to our own, some bleed may occur.  If
} |    you are experiencing high-energy gamma radiation resulting from
} |    perpendicular superstring loops, administer 1 tspn of IODINE
} |    CORBAMITE and call your local hospial.  DO NOT INDUCE VOMITING.
} | .
}    .
}    .
}
} The list goes on and on, really.  CERN had just one page of warnings,
} but after the SHC was marketed in America, all the lawsuits forced them
} to make an exhaustive list.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Kashmir-effect sweater.


1445-08    (04987 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Has anyone ever had to cut off their tongue because it
> was frozen to a flagpole?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, but they never talk about it.


1445-09    (37792 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle most saffron and verdant,
>
> What will be the last words I utter??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, it was Donovan who was wild about Saffron.  Actually he
} probably had lots of women so Saffron wasn't probably the only woman
} he was wild about.  And Donovan was Mellow Yellow (which fits with
} him being wild about Saffron), but I don't know if he was Verdant,
} although I know that in Star Trek one way that Captain Kirk was
} rescued was with a patch of Viridian, yet another color of green.
} Actually, Donovan was "called" Mellow Yellow, which might have been
} better than calling him Mountain Dew or Dr Pepper.
}
} But I digress.  I was tempted to tell you exactly what you would say,
} but when I looked it up I discovered that it's a raw form of profanity
} that is so bad, so black that it is prohibited to be expressed by
} electronic communications in 12 states and the District of Columbia.
}
} I then realized that if I do tell you what you will say, you're
} very likely to have an operation done so that it's impossible to say
} those words, in a weak and feeble attempt to cheat death by changing
} the future.  On the other hand, I could lie to you, and tell you
} a different set of words, so that you'd prevent those, but then,
} when you died, you'd realize I'd lied and you'd come looking for me
} in the Afterlife to seek revenge for my betrayal.
}
} I decided to have a conversation with God, so I went over to her
} office, and it went something like this:
}
} Me (to Her secretary): Is She in?
} Secretary: Yes, she'll see you now.
} Me: Hi, how are you doing?
} Her: Not bad, Oracle, what can I do you for?
} Me: I've got a question from someone who wants to know what their last
}     words will be.  I...
} Her: Are you thinking I'm God today?
} Me: Well, yes, aren't you?
} Her: What does it say on my door?
} Me: Same as it always does, "Office of the Invisible Pink Unicorn"
} Her: And what does it say in fine print at the bottom?
} Me: Let me look.  Oh, I'm sorry, it says "God: Every even weekend."
}     Who's God this week, Satan or the Flying Spaghetti Monster?
} IPU: Let me put it this way: There's no pasta available at the Eternal
}      Cafeteria this weekend and all the hot dogs are hot, very hot, as
}      in charcoal burned.
} Me: Has Satan gone back to trying to cook again?
} IPU: Yeah, and he's gotten better.  He's gone from 'completely inedible'
}      to 'heartburn for 5000 years'.
} Me: Well, if you'll excuse me, I have to go ask God a question before
}     someone else takes his job.
} I walk down the hall to another office.
} Me: Is he in?
} Secretary: For you, Orrie, sure.
} I walk in.
} Me: Hi, how you doing?
} Him: For what worthless and improper purpose does thou enter the office
}      of the Almighty?
} Me: Knock it off, FSM, I knew you back when you were a can of
}     Spaghettios at the A&P, just because you're God this weekend doesn't
}     mean you get to Lord it all over everyone.
} Him: Oh, okay, yeah, Oracle, you're always right.  So, what can I do you
}      for?
} Me: A petitioner is asking me what their last words will be.  I'm not
}     sure if I should answer it straight, and risk they might figure a
}     way to change the future by preventing themselves from saying it, or
}     lying and maybe having them come after me for betraying them.
} Him: Well, I can tell you exactly what to say.  [Response redacted due
}      to obscenity regulations]
} Me: I can't tell them that.  I already told them that I found out that
}     it's illegal to say that in e-mail.
} Him: Oh, well in that case I know exactly what you can tell them.
} I smiled.
}
} I now repeat to you what I was told.
}
} "Pursuant to the Word of God, your final words when you leave this
} veil of tears will be... the exact ones which are right and appropriate
} for the time and location where the incident takes place."
}
} You owe The Oracle the right to perform with you, after you die,
} the exact thing you're going to say when you die.  I assure you,
} I'll be gentle, and you'll have fun too.  I promise.


1445-10    (6b911 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> For unto us an Orrie's born! Unto us an Orrie's given! Unto us an
> Orrie's born! For unto us an Orrie's booooooooo(unto us)ooooooo
> (an Orrie's given)ooooo oo(unto us)oooooo(an Orrie's born!)oorn.
> And the U.S. Government shall be upon his shouoououuulderrrrr.
> And his Name shall be call-ed:
> Oracle!
> Counselor! (of supplicants)
> The Mighty Oracle!
> The Omni-Scient Orrie!
> The Prince of Peace!
>
> Are there any decent performances out there of Handel's
> Messiah by cartoon characters, such as Alvin and the Chipmunks or
> Popeye? How do they do the chipmunk voices anyway? Is it helium or
> speeding up the recording?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Most people believe that it's done by playing a 7 1/2 ips tape at 15
} ips. The equipment was once common in broadcasting studios.
}
} For the Messiah you'll need Popeye (bass), Wimpy (tenor), Olive Oyl
} (alto) and the Chipmunks (soprano). The recordings do not yet exist,
} but that's a simple matter of studio production, well within your
} capabilities once you find a few old Magnecord or Ampex studio tape
} recorders. Oh, and licences from the syndicates so the characters can
} appear.
}
} You owe the Oracle a can of spinach that actually tastes good.


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