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Internet Oracularities #1446

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Internet Oracularities #1446    (29 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 16 Oct 2008 09:36:39 -0500 (EST)

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
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   1446
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1446  29 votes 49a51 19a72 06h42 02ea3 44e52 15b57 28d24 79634 79751 5d614
1446  2.9 mean  2.7   3.0   3.1   3.5   2.9   3.4   2.9   2.6   2.4   2.5


1446-01    (49a51 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wise Oracle, who's depth of despair is like a mighty peak of
> inspiration, is the truth out there?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [ A serene garden of bamboo copses, rock gardens,
}    and koi ponds. On a woven mat sits the Oracle
}    in the lotus position. ]
}
} Oracle: Seek not the truth elsewhere but within.
}
} [ The Oracle's hand jets to cover his mouth as
}    he emits a gentle burp. ]
}
} Oracle: A thousand pardons, I just powered a diet
}          soda.
}
} [ A bright green dragonfly zips by. ]
}
} Oracle: As I was saying, truth is within. Here
}          let me show you.
}
} [ The Oracle leaps up with startling suddenness,
}    whisks a short blade from his sleeve and plunges
}    it into his belly and begins to painstakingly
}    eviscerate himself. ]
}
} Oracle: Urmpt! It's...Not. Easy to Seek Within.
}          Gurmpt. Here's the truth right (ARGH) now.
}          Wait, that's my spleen. Here. Let. ME, urgh,
}          dig. A bit deeper.
}
} [ The woven mat at the Oracle's feet has soaked up
}    as much blood as it can and now the blood is running
}    in a tiny crimson river into the koi pond. ]
}
} Oracle: Here. ERMPPT. OW. Here it is, the... wait,
}          that's just some gristle. Here it...feeling
}          light headed, must.sit.down.
}
} [ The Oracle collapses. ]
}
} < A painfully long pause >
}
} [ The Oracle opens one eye, and then props himself
}    up on one elbow. ]
}
} Oracle: Just funning with ya supplicant. This is all
}          just smoke and ketchup stuff. The Truth is
}          everywhere, you can tell it by it's ring &
}          it's provability. The Problem is that it's
}          not as titillating as Gossip, or as fun as
}          Rumor, or as powerful as A Smear, or as
}          clever as A Lie so it's as easy to overlook
}          as a system admin at a bathing beauty contest.
}
} [ The dragonfly comes back and skims the koi pond
}    which now has a pinkish tinge from the 'blood'.
}    A koi jolts to the surface snaps the dragonfly up
}    and swallows it in one greedy gulp. ]
}
} Oracle: You owe the Oracle a new woven mat.


1446-02    (19a72 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please tell me about the Pince-Nez Indians.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They have a long and varied history, and a complex convoluted
} development.  Started by a wandering Mormon, King Nosypincenezzar,
} who had just recently emigrated from Israel in 6244 BC according to
} the Book of Mormon (cf Yabba Dabba Diah 4:22).
}
} The earliest, most barbaric customs of these people involved not merely
} the pinching, but the actual piercing of the noses of their infants
} on the eighth day, a procedure called 'nosectomy-cision', which they
} believed made their children part of the covenant with Nosypincenezzar.
}
} They also practiced cutting off the noses of members of rival tribes
} when they were defeated in battle and sticking them on poles as
} trophies and warnings to other tribes.
}
} This persisted until about 1500 BC when the Prophet Noses spake
} unto them "Behold! I  give unto you a new covenant! No longer shall
} ye pierce thy kinsmans' noses and remove the nose of the window and
} the stranger. For I dwell in a temple not built with hands and take
} no delight in your nasal sacrifices. If ye would be pleasing to me,
} I would ye pierce your Heart's nose, rather than your actual nose. For
} where the Nose is, there your Heart is also."
}
} This caused much confusion, and resulted in the Great Schism where
} the Aztecs broke off since they took the text as literally commanding
} them to cut out the noses of peoples' hearts, even after they found
} there were none.
}
} Finally we come to the advent of John the Nose-pincher ("Behold the
} Handkerchief of God, which wipeth away the sins of the world"). He
} introduced the practice of pinching the nose to signify renunciation
} of sin. This replaced the piercing ritual, and after him the tribe's
} name changed from Nez Pence to Pince-nez.
}
} These people still await their Nossiah, who will deliver them
} from runny noses forever by His perfect sacrifice. Some radical
} 'Calvinoseist' Indians even believe that we are too depraved to wipe
} our own noses, but must rely on an Omnipotent, Omniscient God to do
} it for us.
}
} You owe the Oracle a research paper on how the ancient pincenezzers
} advanced from bifocalism to monacle-ism by adopting Greek philosophy.


1446-03    (06h42 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> To get the Oracle to tell me how to stop asking questions in the form
> of complex infinitives.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No need. *To get* is the simple infinitive.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of Strunk's 'Elements of Style', revised and
} edited by Captain Kirk and Yoda.


1446-04    (02ea3 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> hi, why do I always have to be the lightest element? Why can't
> we take turns? Why can't I switch with Uranium for a few weeks?
>
> Sincerely,
> Hydrogen

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because your atomic mass depends on the number of particles [1]
} you're made of, to be uranium you'd have to pack on an extra
} 91 units of mass[2] - & then you'd not be you any more. Oh sure,
} you could go isotope[3] and gain a neutron. That'd make you a
} tad heavier & you'd still be you - you with a beer belly. [4]
} However if you and enough of your fellow hydrogens go isotope
} rapidly enough in a small enough area you can create an huge
} impression [5] despite your small size. That'll show uranium
} who's the boss.
}
} You owe the Oracle a lead lined room.
}
}                  --------------------
}
} [1] Protons, neutrons and electrons WHILE motionless, which
}     if you think about it means humans don't really have any idea
}     what any given atom's mass is with much certainty.
}
} [2] Electrons per shell for Uranium = 2,8,18,32,21,9,2
}     Hydrogen = 1
}
} [3] Note: 2H = Heavy Hydrogen
}           H2 = Lighter Hummer
}           Do not confuse the two!
}
} [4] AKA "central obesity". WARNING: Do NOT look this
}     term up on the Wiki, the picture will haunt you.
}
} [5] Think along the lines of 1,400 atmospheres of
}     over pressure. Not to mention the radiation.


1446-05    (44e52 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most probing & wise Oracle with razor sharp wit,
>
> Why am I covered with tiny growths?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Those are your skin cells, you fool.  You need them to protect your
} bones and hold your blood in place so you don't bleed to dea... oh, the
} OTHER growths.
}
} Those are hair.  They were originally part of your fur coat some 40,000
} years ago but when Neanderthal and Cro-Magnon were fighting it out,
} there was a much more severe cold spell than there is now, and coat
} manufacturers were very expensive, so people had to grow their own
} coats.  As the world got warmer, humans didn't need as much fur, so
} they stopped having it as much.  But like, even if you do not drive,
} keeping a drivers' license and renewing it is less trouble than
} allowing it to expire and finding you have to go through the trouble to
} get one again if you need it some day, it's a lot less trouble
} biologically to keep a little bit of hair on the body, such as the arms
} and chest, than to completely drop it altogether, then if a new ice age
} comes up, have to try to manage without any way to generate fur.
}
} You owe The Oracle a set of fur earmuffs.  Just use a razor and scrape
} the fur off the bottoms of your feet.  What do you mean you don't have
} any, everyone knows everyone has hair on the bottom of their feet.
} People have had it for over 200,000 years, what do you think, it just
} stopped one day?


1446-06    (15b57 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Did Pink Floyd really synchronize Dark Side of the Moon with
> the Wizard of Oz? I tend to be skeptical, but the tornado
> and the dancing scare crow are pretty amazing, you have to
> admit.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Human brains are oriented towards pattern seeking to a fault.
} They 'see' human faces on everything from mountain ranges on
} Mars to the Holy Virgin Mary on over-cooked slices of heavily
} buttered French toast. People gaze for hours upon rows and rows
} of baseball statistics longing for obscure connections, for fun!
} Heck, people study the difference between their long ago played
} out losing lottery choices and lists of winning numbers truly
} thinking they can develop a winning system based on detecting
} a connection of some kind. So the fact that some acid casualty
} boomer generation space cadets can play drug music while watching
} films from the 1930s & then see a direct correlation between when
} some floppy limbed scarecrow begins to prance & electronic white
} noise generated on an EMS Synthi A portable analog synthesizer
} in the 1970s speaks volumes on the hold of patterns on the mind,
} and of nothing more.
}
} You owe the Oracle a huge joint to smoke while you take some
} time and look for the SECRET MESSAGE hidden in the paragraph
} above. It IS there. Look, deeply. Very deeply. Peace man.


1446-07    (28d24 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oh all mighty king pin of the universe,
>
> When is it a good time to sleep in a Gum Tree?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} When you're teething.


1446-08    (79634 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh fantabulous creature, more so than the original examples of the
> term, I have a problem: I am often ruled by something much smaller
> than I; how do I conquer?
>
> Many thanks in advance.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It certainly is small.


1446-09    (79751 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> So is the boring spaghetti man gone? Is it safe to come
> out and play again?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In the absence of someone specifically asking for divine advice, this
} The Oracle is not consulting with either the Flying Spaghetti Monster
} or the Invisible Pink Unicorn any time in the near future.  Satan has
} also informed them, if they're off the hook, he doesn't want to be
} bothered either.
}
} Besides that, it's going to be Halloween soon.  The Great Pumpkin has
} stated he may want to be asked questions, as does Santa Claus.
}
} On the other hand, the Oracle might not be celebrating Halloween this
} year. I have discovered I'm all out of needles and razor blades.


1446-10    (5d614 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Holy Toledo has nothing on the Oracle, his loop'd and
> window'd raggedness scares the world as much as his words
> enlighten it,
>
> The jobs, will they lead me to a place I like?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Every youth of under thirty wants to like his means and station.
} Give me where to interact with people that I want to know.
} At my home, I want to show you how my life is simple.
} With an ease that's not too grand, I want to know how to go.
} Tell me how to choose my lot with travel and the yield.
}
} How could I learn a way to seem that does not grate on fears?
} Is that quite the way for me, when futures might depend,
} upon a warning I could sing, of ways that do not mend.
}
} You owe the oracle a multi-cast dime's worth of skilled praise for
} his life's most important work, when it's finished, if it ever is.


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