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Internet Oracularities #1447

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Internet Oracularities #1447    (29 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 18 Nov 2008 09:09:31 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1447
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1447  29 votes 5aa40 57962 89b10 49880 3d850 05ac2 14b85 146c6 13a78 69572
1447  2.9 mean  2.4   2.8   2.2   2.7   2.5   3.4   3.4   3.6   3.6   2.7


1447-01    (5aa40 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> To laugh or cry?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What, no supposition?  No groveling or begging?  What have we come to
} when people think they can just treat The Oracle as if (s)he were
} nothing but an A TM machine where they put questions in and get
} answers dispensed?
}
} Yeah, I know you're not supposed to answer a question with a question
} but your rudeness in failing to be an adequate suppository burns my
} ass, err I mean adequate supplicant irritates me.
}
} Having had a good (well, some people don't like my sense of humor so
} whether it's good is debatable) laugh at your expense, I've decided
} to answer your question.
}
} As Simon and Garfunkel once sang, "Parsley, Sage, Rosemary and Thyme,"
} I'll spice up the conversation.  No, actually, it was "The words of
} the prophets are written on the subway walls."
}
} Not having time to do a survey of walls of subways, I decided to use
} a random sample of songs to find what people are singing in regards
} to whether to laugh or cry.
}
} Google shows 3.8 million hits for songs about crying. However it shows
} 17.1 million hits for songs about laughing, so according to Google,
} laughing is it.  But that's not necessarily an accurate count as some
} might be reversed or overlap.
}
} I'll call ones voting not to cry as a vote for laughter, and ones
} deriding laughter as a vote for crying
}
} Some in favor: "You saw me crying in the Chapel...All tears were
} tears of joy..."
}
} On the "don't cry" column: "Don't cry for me Argentina"; "Do what you
} want, but little darlin' please don't cry"; And of course, Melissa
} Manchester: "You should hear how he talks about you.." (record screech)
} "Don't cry out loud, and if you should fall, remember you almost
} made it."
}
} On the laughter side: "Laughing, you took away everything I had to
} put the hood on 'D'".  Although that might be a vote against.
}
} I'm tired, I'll just go with Google and vote for laughing.
}
} You owe The Oracle a new pillow since his last one is sopping wet,
} crying himself to sleep since he couldn't really give a good answer
} to the question.


1447-02    (57962 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "J. Avedon" <soteric2@msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> I was thinking of handing out spaghetti instead of candy for Halloween,
> what do you think?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Won't work, they'll think you're trying to poison the kids, and
} they'll ship you off to Guantanamo Bay for "re-education" as an
} "unlawful combatant," presuming they don't simply strip you of your
} citizenship in the process.
}
} You owe The Oracle some supplies so he'll be ready for Halloween. A
} good supply of razor blades and needles will do. I'll throw packages
} of razor blades as shaving kits into the older boys bags, and sewing
} kits into the girls bags. (What? Did you think I was going to use
} razor blades and needles on the candy? For shame on you! I need to
} use the phone. Hello, Guantanamo Bay camp? This is The Oracle. I have
} information on a domestic terrorist...)


1447-03    (89b10 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: "J. Avedon" <soteric2@msn.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Most Reverend Katharine Jefferts-Orrie,
>
> 'Fess up. Aren't you just a Time Lord masquerading as an "oracle"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, I'm not a Time Lord. I've never even been near a TARDIS. In fact,
} I'm not even human. Because it's near Halloween, your question was
} submitted to a soulless corporation for a reply.
}
} Sincerely, Viridian Development Corporation (Colorado), a Colorado
} corporation as agent for The Oracle. Not to be confused with Viridian
} Development Corporation, a Virginia corporation which is at the same
} address in Maryland as the other one; they actually are two separate
} but equally soulless corporations.


1447-04    (49880 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle most exalted and eminent, may honor, riches, long
> continuance, bond price increasing, common supermarket-blessings,
> and pay by the hourly joys be upon you!
>
> What would be the most appreciated item to hand out to Trick-
> or-Treaters this Halloween?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A coupon good for a discount on future dental work.
}
} Hey, you didn't say *whom* would most appreciate it, so I'm thinking
} of the parents.  If you want to ask what the kids would appreciate
} more or most, ask the question that way.
}
} You owe the Oracle some supplies for Halloween.  Needles and
} razor-blades would be fine.  What?  You thinking I'm putting them
} in candy?  You slime; I'm going to make sewing kits.


1447-05    (3d850 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Sid Dabster

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and powerful Oracle ...
>
> Which one of my brilliant lending facilities will save the global
> market from meltdown?
>
> Will it be TAF, PDCF, TSLF, CPFF, MMIFF, or ABCPMMMFLF?
>
> Or all of the above?
>
> Sincerely,
> Benjamin "Helicopter" Bernanke

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear BenBern:
}
} The answer that my omniscient vision has provided unto you through me
} is clear:
}
}    None of the above.
}
} Not one of the lending organizations you list, nor indeed any that you
} may list, will bring about a saving influence to the current financial
} situation you mortals find yourself in.
}
} As always, these matters are not problems that are solved by logical or
} external forces - they are caused and cured by the rampant emotions you
} humans so dearly cling to: in the case of materialistic monetary
} brokering, specifically Greed and Fear.
}
} The solution you seek lies not in computational economic analysis and
} resources; the solution you seek is the Ultimate Realization of
} spiritual evolution, where the Witness of your psyche can be heard
} above the static of petty egotistical demands for vast differential
} improvement over your brothers and panic over the loss of same.
}
} Hasten thee to an ashram, a kibbutz, a commune, or a Large Group
} Awareness Training; seek out a shaman, a mystic, a fakir or a
} therapist; become a monk, a Sadhu, a zaddik, or simply a humble person.
} Purge yourself of greed and fear, and be an example unto those you
} would save.
}
} Otherwise, you will continue to perpetuate the illusions of greed and
} fear, and you can see where that got you.
}
} Thus hath I spoken, thus it shall be -Oracle


1447-06    (05ac2 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Sid Dabster

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Have you thought about starting a religion?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sure, all the time.  When the weather starts getting cold like this,
} they're often hard to get started.  You push and you crank, and nothing
} happens.  First thing you do is check the connections to the power
} source; sometimes they get loose or rusty.  Sometimes you need a little
} fire and brimstone to warm things up.  If all that doesn't work, it may
} have lost its spark, or may need a little spray of inspiration in the
} chambers.  Don't forget that regular maintenance can often prevent
} these kinds of problems in the first place.
}
} You owe the Oracle a way to STOP certain religions, especially the ones
} that are certain they have all the answers.


1447-07    (14b85 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Shrewd Oracle most surreptitious and guileful,
>
> Why did I move into the upscale apartment complex?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because people that live in small apartments have little room to
} complain.


1447-08    (146c6 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> How can I save the cheerleader?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Just like you save everything else:  Right-click on the cheerleader,
} and select "Save this picture."
}
} You owe the Oracle your licensing fee.


1447-09    (13a78 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is it possible that Joseph used cats or introduced cats to
> Egypt as part of his efforts to save Egypt from famine, since Joseph
> was in charge of administering grain during the famine, and cats were
> later prized in Egypt for their ability to protect stores of grain
> from vermin?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Good eye supplicant. This -was- mentioned in the Bible, but
} due to a typo it all got lost. Here's a pertinent section
} from Genesis 37:3
}
} 'Now Israel loved Joseph more than all his children, because
} he was the son of his old age: and he gave Joesph a *CAT* of
} many colors.'
}
} That's right not a 'coat' of many colors, but a calico cat
} of many colors. Once you know this other parts of the tale
} make more sense, for instance the part when Joesph's brothers
} sell Joesph to passing White Slavers and then:
}
} They smite Joseph's cat, and killed a kid of the goats, and
} dipped the damned cat in the blood;
}
} And they took the cat of many colors, and they brought it to
} their father; and said, This have we found!
}
} And the Father knew it, and said, Me ow in me heart! It is my
} son's cat; the evil beast hath devoured him; I curse all cats
} now and forever to say but naught the LOL speak and be laughed
} at on the Web of the Interworld!! And the others were amazed at
} the zaniness of the curse.'
}
} You owe the Oracle a leviathan sandwich.


1447-10    (69572 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh magnificent Oracle, please tell me which is the best Bond,
> Connery or Craig?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hammermill.


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