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Internet Oracularities #1448

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1448, 1448-01, 1448-02, 1448-03, 1448-04, 1448-05, 1448-06, 1448-07, 1448-08, 1448-09, 1448-10


Internet Oracularities #1448    (31 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 05 Dec 2008 15:50:08 -0500 (EST)

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
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   1448
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1448  31 votes 3a882 16c75 26h51 22bb5 65875 26968 5b951 46c72 13b97 58684
1448  3.1 mean  2.9   3.3   2.9   3.5   3.0   3.4   2.5   2.9   3.6   2.9


1448-01    (3a882 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Just read this in the news...
>
> "Jigme Khesar Namgyel Wangchuck, the world's youngest reigning monarch,
> is crowned the fifth Dragon King of Bhutan."
>
> Wangchuck. The king is named Wangchuck.
>
> Orrie, you set this up, isn't that so? It didn't just happen, right?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course I set it up. I wanted everybody to Wangchuck tonight.
}
} You owe the Oracle a live recording of "Dance Hall Days".


1448-02    (16c75 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise & kind Oracle who knows a whole bunch of stuff,
>
> Is life naught but avoiding unwanted deaths until we
> find one that suits us?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, life is more about avoiding ANY deaths. It's more of a
} zero-tolerance thing.
}
} You owe the Oracle the sword of the Highlander.


1448-03    (26h51 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh well-smelling and hygienic Oracle!
>
> Should I buy a new microwave, or try to clean the old one?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If the old microwave is dirty because there's a lot of grease and
} leftover food on the walls, you should clean it.
}
} If the old microwave is dirty because you caught your sister and her
} overweight boyfriend making love on it or something similar, I'd just
} get a new one. That image will not be dislodged from your brain, no
} matter HOW hard you scrub.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pointy implement to stab himself in his third eye.


1448-04    (22bb5 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why are Hinduism and Buddhism known as "eastern" religions
> when they were developed by westerners who merely invaded
> eastern lands (the Aryans)?
>
> I'm just worried a lot of Americans and Europeans are being
> led astray to such "religions" thinking they are "exotic" and
> "eastern" when in fact they are just the same old western
> paganism dressed up in a different suit.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is all about to change, but let's back up a bit first
} shall we?
}
} Eastern, Western, Occidental, Southern hemisphere and so on
} are all based on a world view originating in Europe. England
} to be more precise. Greenwich, England to be pin-point exact.
} This had to do with old Celtic nonsense about the 'navel of
} the world' being located there. Droll English humor placed a
} Naval Observatory on the spot, think 'navel gazing'. England
} as you well know was long The Naval Power of the World, so
} this made sense to them. Clocks and latitude and the like
} being needed to make sure the tea and opium ships got from
} point 'A' to point 'B' in time for crumpets on the veranda.
}
} Decoupling mankind's sense of Greenwich as special spot on
} Earth has been underway for quite some time. It is speculated
} Joseph Conrad documented an attempt to destroy the Observatory
} at Greenwich in his tale "The Secret Agent", but couldn't come
} right out and say it as the powers feared that without this
} 'known' spot migratory sea turtles and honey bees would become
} hopelessly disoriented.
}
} Currently in the Muslim world they are trying to have Mecca
} declared the central spot from which direction and time is
} calibrated, but this will come to naught as events are about
} to overtake man's efforts. Yes, the upcoming magnetic pole
} reversal is at hand.
}
} Millions of cheap compasses will continue to give vague hints
} at direction, but in a nearly dead opposite direction. Santa
} Claus will have to relocate to The Mountains of Madness in
} Antarctica resulting in children everywhere finding Cthulhu
} dolls in their stockings. Greenwich will now find itself in
} the EXACT SAME PLACE it is now. This will confuse people in
} Australia and the Finns to no end. Not to mention the honey
} bees and migratory sea turtles. Bottom line: Will then become
} the Top line, but only if the paper is held what used to be
} upside down. And then just as humans are deciding north, and
} south, and east and west aren't all that big a deal the moon
} careens into the planet killing everything except iron eating
} microbes than dwell below the earth's surface. Iron eating
} microbes that align themselves with electromagnetic waves,
} and have no choice in the matter -- Which will be 'ironic'.
}
} You owe the Oracle a condo on Mars.


1448-05    (65875 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You tend to abuse me - you know that, Orrie?  But I shan't get mad,
> because the Holy Scriptures tell us to love our enemies, so allow me to
> give you a hug!  [Whereupon the Supplicant stretches out his arms....]

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [ Oracle whips out a hammer and nails. ]
}
} BAM! BAM! BAM-BAM!
}
} There you go, Holy Scripture your outstretched arms outta that.


1448-06    (26968 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "J. Avedon" <soteric2@msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> So, how bad is it going to get?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Pretty bad. Your girlfriend's cat will have slept on the shirt and
} tie that you had pressed and laid out the night before, forcing
} you to quickly pick another pair that you realize as you run out
} the door don't match your shoes/socks/pants at all. Sherrie's going
} to screw up your haircut royally, leaving you looking like a retard
} just in time for your interview. After you blow that, you're going
} to come home to discover that your girlfriend has found the tape of
} you and your ex that you keep around for when she's not home. After
} a massive argument that lasts for hours and does NOT resolve, you'll
} leave for the local pub to ease your worries, only to discover it's
} burned to the ground after some local LARP-er got overzealous with his
} "fireballs." Dejected, you'll drive around downtown for a while to
} see if you can't find another bar, fail miserably to find anywhere
} that looks remotely friendly, and stop by a liquor store to just buy
} a bottle of vodka.  Unfortunately, you left your wallet at home, so
} you'll be forced to leave with zero liquid comfort, excepting the Jack
} Daniels that gets poured on your violated hairstyle by a group of drunk
} fratboys as soon as you leave the store before they all hop into their
} expensive pickup truck and haul ass back to Kappa-iota-dickhead. You'll
} slump into your tiny Ford commuter and crank it repeatedly, before
} you realize that your alternator's shot. After some wrestling and a
} jump from a surly liquor store patron who clearly does not want to
} give you a jump, you manage to get the car going and begin making
} your way back home to sleep in the driveway. A cop sees one of your
} taillights is out (more endearing frat boy shenanigans) and pulls you
} over, but you don't want to turn off the car because you won't be able
} to start it again. You can tell that he's skeeved at this violation
} of protocol even before he gets to your window, and when he gets a
} whiff of the JD that's soaked into your hair and jacket, and discovers
} that you don't have your license on you thanks to your missing wallet,
} that's all he needs. You get tossed into the back seat of the cop car
} without ceremony, drive through a McDonald's so he can get a snack
} (which reminds you that you haven't eaten since the power bar you
} crammed into your stomach before the interview) and spend the night in
} a jail cell, where you are forced to remain awake all night so you do
} not fall victim to the other inmates, who actually ARE drunk criminals.
}
} And to top it all off, you forgot to grovel.
}
} *ZOT*
}
} Life's a bitch, ain't it?


1448-07    (5b951 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, I beg you, please resolve this conundrum that has been
> causing me sleepless nights of late. I've noticed that the same
> branch of learning is referred to in the US as 'Math' and in the UK
> as 'Maths'. Does this mean that the devious British have more types
> of mathematical study than the US and are holding out? And if so,
> what branches of the science are they keeping to th emselves?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, we all know how the US's public education system stacks up
} against the rest of the world. Turns out that the Brits, and indeed
} most of the countries in Europe, require their students to not simply
} complete ONE math, but SEVERAL.
}
} They also generally require at least TWO foreign languages and a
} course on sex ed that actually promotes the use of prophylactics,
} instead of trumpeting abstinence.
}
} But hey, at least our kids get Chuck E. Cheese's.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Canadian work visa.


1448-08    (46c72 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great & productive Oracle, you are the biggest rooster in the coop!
>
> Why do drug dealers and the army always get to be first adapters of
> cool new technologies, ( cell phones, beepers, itty-bitty robots,
> shaped charges etc...) and not say donut makers or show salespeople?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's a matter of perspective. You did have cell phones, more than 50
} years ago. There was this little cell where you went to talk, and where
} Clark Kent changed his clothes.
}
} Beepers? There was a beeper inside your head and it was called Mom. You
} -knew- if you were staying late, and you *knew* that Mom was fretting
} and that you would get what-for.
}
} I'll grant you that you didn't have itty-bitty robots. But ask me about
} my old robot sometime. It ran on *coal*.
}
} You have shape changers in your science fiction stories and fantasy
} RPGs. Charges, changers, just a few letters difference.
}
} You owe the Oracle three dozen donuts, every Wednesday.


1448-09    (13b97 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle most sea-worthy, master of ships, ruler of knots,
> and calmer of huge angry waves of odd questions,
>
> How does a give up and die trait like pacifism keep reappearing
> in a dog eat dog world?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In a dog eat dog world, it wouldn't.
} You seem to be a little confused, however: this is one of the squirrel
} eat nut worlds. Everything around here is pretty much random (but
} frantic), so giving up on things making sense is as valid a response
} as any.
}
} You owe the oracle a brick-eat-avocado world.


1448-10    (58684 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle most wise,
>
> My ox gored a peasant, what should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Gore a king, obviously.
}
} Can't have the stupid ox thinking it's better than you.
}
} You owe the Oracle a god with a hole in him.


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