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Internet Oracularities #1450

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1450, 1450-01, 1450-02, 1450-03, 1450-04, 1450-05, 1450-06, 1450-07, 1450-08, 1450-09, 1450-10


Internet Oracularities #1450    (29 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 05 Jan 2009 13:43:53 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1450
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1450  29 votes 25c64 06b93 6e621 34b65 27f41 56b61 2bb32 39b60 66971 06e63
1450  2.9 mean  3.2   3.3   2.2   3.2   2.8   2.7   2.7   2.7   2.7   3.2


1450-01    (25c64 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Was "Penn" Gillette named after an actual ballpoint pen?
> Otherwise how do you explain the coincidence that the
> Gillette company actually *manufactures* ballpoint pens?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} OMG that's amazing! And all those Latin American girls
} named Mercedes! That explains why Nazis fled there
} after WWII -- to make cars! And Douglas Aircraft! They
} were used at Fort MacArthur, California! A base named after
} the father of "Douglas" MacArthur!!! And Gerber Knives
} AND Gerber Baby food were both named after someone named
} Gerber and you -do not- use knives to feed babies baby
} food!!!!!! AND NO, THERE'S MORE! OMG!!! Ford motor cars
} have been seen in the parking lot of StanFORD University
} and there's a guy named STAN that goes there and HE DRIVES
} A MERCEDES! And he's not German, but he thinks Latina girls
} are way hot! And he doesn't have a baby, BUT HE DOES OWN
} A KNIFE! AND A BALLPOINT PEN! AND HE SHAVES!!! YES! WITH
} A GILLETTE RAZOR!!!! OMG! OMG!!!! IT'S LIKE AMAZING!!!!!
}
} Human brains are very good at finding patterns, heck they
} see faces on french toast for crying out loud. There's
} only so much stuff out there, and only so many words in
} any given language. Of course there are tenuous links
} between dang near anything and something else. It's any-
} thing but amazing. It's just the way it is.
}
} You owe the Oracle a boat named The Mignonette and a
} decent meal. Not french toast though, eating stuff with
} a face on it kind of freaks the Oracle out.


1450-02    (06b93 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> We know that the word irregardless is wrong. How can we get people to
> use disregardless instead?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Language is very fluid. The whole idea of dictionaries is to
} try and *slow* the mutation rate down enough so that parents
} and their kids can sort of understand each other. Given this
} low, but obtainable bar they've succeeded. So while the misuse
} of words irks you it's like getting mad at the coastline for
} changing shape, you're not going to win. New forms will appear,
} others will vanish, somethings will for inexplainable reasons
} remain the same for centuries, and words that once meant one
} thing will now mean something totally different. Think in your
} own lifespan how 'geek', 'ho', 'virus', and 'gothic' have
} changed from what they meant when you were a child. But now
} in the interest of helping you have a gay old time, some mirth:
}
} Q: How do deaf skeletons communicate?
} A: Spine language.
}
} Q: How do deaf pigs communicate?
} A: Swine language.
}
} Q: How do deaf winos communicate?
} A: They barf on each other.
}
} You owe the Oracle a stud in his native tongue.


1450-03    (6e621 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My Aunt Beasley says I should not eat much Christmas turkey or any of
> the potatoes and gravy, or I'll get fat. I already weigh 26 stone
> (that's 364 pounds, or about 165 kilos if you're French), and thus
> cannot possibly GET fat. She's joking, isn't she?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Gordo you always get fat. Watch yourself eat, you don't get
} salad, or diet soda -- you get fat, buckets of it and pile
} your plate with it.
}
} You owe the Oracle a fun house mirror.


1450-04    (34b65 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      if ( Your.God != My.God ) {
>          ( new War() ).start();

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} CS 101 in Iran.


1450-05    (27f41 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> The Holidays are way too happy, what can be done about this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are incredibly right. I visited Harold and Beatrice Holiday for
} Christmas, and they were giddy with delight.
}
} Beatrice had herself dressed up as an angel, and was sitting up in a
} maple tree in the front yard, stringing even more Xmas lights and
} singing "O Du Froeliche" which (as you may not know) is a German
} Christmas carol. She sings badly and does not know German, so you can
} imagine my mental pain.
}
} Harold Holiday was drunk. He was not singing, but he was playing the
} piano. Drink fattens the fingers, of course, and Harold was bashing
} three or four notes with each of his ten thumbs. He was far too happy,
} as you already observed.
}
} As to what we should do, on an ill-considered impulse I took away
} Harold's drink and poured it on the roots of Beatrice's maple tree. Now
} the tree is drunk, too. (It takes them a long time to excrete excess
} alcohols and xylols, especially in winter.) The Holidays are a mess.
}
} If I were you, I would just avoid the Holidays henceforth.


1450-06    (56b61 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it called 'Whoville' if Tom Baker does not live there?
> I feed my heart contracting again, and I feel I might have
> to slaughter the inhabitants, instead of merely stealing
> their presents, if I can't get Tom's autograph.
>
> Sincerely,
> The Grinch

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It was called 'Whoville' by the original inhabitants misters Daltrey,
} Entwistle, Moon, and Townshend. And what luck, they're here with us
} today. With a little ditty they've penned of late. Sorry, nothing
} about Grinches in it...
}
} [ House lights come up & The Who cranks it out! ]
}
} Oh dear an undefined field
} I code perl for meals
} I can really call it a living.
} I don't sleep at night
} though one day I might
} I am caffeine driven.
} yeah,yeah,yeah,yeah,yeah
}
} Don't try
} It don't phase me guy
} It's only webpage wasteland
}
} Webage wasteland
} It's only webpage wasteland.
} webpage wasteland
} Oh, yeah
} webpage wasteland
} All that bandwidth it's wasted!
}
} [ Crowd goes wild! Fade to black ]


1450-07    (2bb32 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Knowledge without the Oracle would be a rude unprofitable mass,
> the mere materials with which wisdom builds, but thanks to the
> Oracle we know where the blue-prints are, even if we are too lame,
> being mortals, to understand them...
>
> Why does my ex-boss keep calling me on the phone?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear slow-but-gathering-speed supplicant,
}
} Is this the same boss who kept appearing drunk in public at noon on
} your driveway?
}
} I have a feeling you still have a co-dependent relationship with him/
} her. I would hate to think that you have succumbed to "the boss with
} favors" trend that is sweeping across the office cubicles of today.
}
} Displays of physical attraction are a definite nyet-nyet at the
} workplace. And those modular IKEA workstations just don't hold up to
} the rigors of two people synching their ports. It is time to put your
} foot down and say "no". Dust off your 28 baud modem and plug it into
} your phone line. A few doonga-doong-
} eeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaahhheeeeeehahahahas in her ear will make
} him/her stop calling before you can say AOL/Compuserve.


1450-08    (39b60 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dearest Oracle most wisened and griseled,
>
> Do you ever have problems at airport security?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well one time, but now I down a whole bottle of
} kaopectate on the way to the airport.


1450-09    (66971 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "J. Avedon" <soteric2@msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Grand Oracle, your words when they appear on my terminal drive for
> their duration away the droll plodding grey fog that is existence;
> What does the Gallows God like for breakfast?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm so glad you asked. Most people think he likes spam, spam, spam,
} eggs, bacon and spam, but that is a dirty lie propagated on the
} Internet, and if GG gets served it one more time, he tells me he will
} smite the next person before "sp-" has left his or her lips. I'm
} getting really tired of him texting me all his complaints, so it will
} do both of us a favor if his real breakfast preferences are made known.
}
} Hold on, I'm texting him now... got it. I'll cut and paste for your
} benefit:
}
} ----
} hey odin
}
} hey oracle sup
}
} plebe wants to know what u like 4 breakfast
}
} so?
}
} so what do u like
}
} busy rite now
}
} k tell me anyway
}
} k
}
} last nites stew for brekfist is gud
}
} ja?
}
} dieting now tho
}
} should be degreased 1st
}
} k
}
} k later
}
} later
}
} Sent via my lingonberry
} ----
}
} So that's it. Not very exciting. I think he was multitasking.


1450-10    (06e63 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, who never commits a blunder, who always wins
> The Exchange, and whose bishops are never bad, pray enlighten
> your humble Supplicant by answering the following query:
>
> What is the best response to 1. d4, and why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, I obviously prefer a staff, but in your case, a spear, mace or
} long sword will do okay, depending on what you have available. All
} three of them average over 4 HP worth of damage, when you account for
} critical hits. Really, anything that does more than 1d8 damage will
} do fine.
}
} You owe the Oracle an RPG system without fumble tables.


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