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Internet Oracularities #1451

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1451, 1451-01, 1451-02, 1451-03, 1451-04, 1451-05, 1451-06, 1451-07, 1451-08, 1451-09, 1451-10


Internet Oracularities #1451    (33 votes, 3.3 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 23 Jan 2009 14:13:09 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1451
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1451  33 votes 1d8b0 28698 069c6 29e71 045f9 0ae72 1468e 15c96 2578b 7a565
1451  3.3 mean  2.9   3.4   3.5   2.9   3.9   3.0   3.9   3.4   3.6   2.8


1451-01    (1d8b0 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise and mighty Oracle, whose name should never be forgotten:
>
> Will two pairs of pants and a belt be sufficient?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} More than sufficient I'd say. Look, I know it's to be a drag trying to
} be creative with Auto Parts calendar photo shoots, but you'll find
} there are quite a few laws in various jurisdictions about showing that
} anatomy that way, no matter if it draws attention to the client's
} timing belt. You might want to hang onto a few of the trial run prints
} and they're going to become quite collectable in a few years. These
} will let you avoid death in poverty and horrible circumstances when
} you sell them later. It's too bad the rampaging mob will destroy your
} studio, the originals and prints, but I've checked the timelines and
} you can't avoid that.
}
} You owe the Oracle the rights to the story of how you persuaded the
} model to pose like that and the equipment and lubricants involved. You
} probably owe the model at least a tetanus shot too.


1451-02    (28698 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Great Oracle, please hear my plea for knowledge...
>
> How can I beat the final boss in the acclaimed multiplayer game,
> "Internet".
>
> I await your answer, always your humble servant...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Kendai powered down a Mountain Dew.
}
} His team was dead, from the useless noob dorklink259 to
} the so elite everyone thought he was cheating XC0rps3.
} All dead.
}
} But Kendai still lived. And had lots of ammo. Sure his
} health was low, but he did have that powerup.
}
} GGGGGGGGGGGGGGLllllllllllllllllobbbbbbbbbAAAAAAALLLLLL!
}
} The Final Boss was near. Kendai rechecked that all his
} weapons were loaded for the third time. And as he checked
} each one reflected on the battles past.
}
} 'noob' pistol: LOADED. Sure it was useless up here, but it
} had got him his first kill. A fish in a barrel kill sure,
} someone had made a silly regex error in a perl group and
} he'd shot him down. Point blank. No one noticed, but him,
} but it was a start.
}
} A "Godwin" grenade launcher. Stopped more than one USENET
} thread with that baby. Back when USENET matter, so long
} ago. So long ago.
}
} His Spray and Pray 13lt3 sub-machine gun. Fast. Messy, but
} fast. Great on 4chan, less helpful on FARK knocking out
} LOLcats....
}
} GlllllllllllllllOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOBAALLLLLLLLLLLLLL!
}
} And then the Beast was on him. Huge and fat. Bearded. But
} wearing a suit. Flanked, by...No. Three Bonos! The beast was,
} how could it be!?! The Creator of the Internet itself was
} waiting at The End to kill any that found out the Internet
} wasn't infinite after all!!!
}
} WARRRRRrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmmMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMING!!!
}
} And the Algore let loose a blast of hot air that knocked poor
} Kendai all the way back to 14k modem capacity on a green
} screen monitor.  Just like that. Kendai would have to start
} over. And it made him wail, "NO!!!NO!!!NO!!1NOT 14K!!!"


1451-03    (069c6 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why are the plump ones so appealing?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because by their very plumpness, they offer the promise of succulent
} delight once you make them yours. The soft curves so inviting, making
} you want to caress them, if only briefly. The plump ones say without a
} word that they will give you immense pleasure so sweet, if only you'd
} just take her. Then you sink into her and . . . DAMMIT! You get juice
} all down your chin.   You owe the Oracle another peach.


1451-04    (29e71 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Praise the Oracle, no greater glory than to have The Oracle
> ponder one's question!
>
> What doesn't need cool LED lights imbedded in them?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Bath toys.  "Here honey, try this."  (Drops in water) ZZZAP!  "Oh my.
} Well, call the insurance company and collect on the accidental death
} provisions"
}
} You owe the oracle a new bathtub.  His old one has a bad smell from
} testing this hypothesis.
}
} [This answer was instantiated by Viridian Development Corporation
} (Colorado) so that your question could be answered by a soulless
} corporation that doesn't care about people.]


1451-05    (045f9 dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> PETA regards the death of an animal at the hands of humans as
> a tragedy, but not the death of an animal at the (paws?) of
> another animal.
>
> Would they therefore be ok with the beef industry if the
> cattle were slaughtered by releasing them in a pen with a
> lion (and then force the lion away to collect the kill)?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No. PETA members tend to be vegetarians. Carnivores (such as lions)
} seem to prefer eating vegetarian prey. The proper relationship between
} PETA members and carnivorous predators is obvious.


1451-06    (0ae72 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If Ninja and Pirates are arch-enemies, does that mean Vikings and
> Samurai hate each other as well?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear flat-footed supplicant,
}
} Once again, I am behooved to point out your faulty logic.
}
} So Ninjas and Pirates hate arches. Big freakin deal. That is a matter
} between them and their therapists.
}
} Let's deal with the Vikings and Samurai. You naively thought that
} they hate each other. In fact they are blood brothers. The hidden
} link is the Finns. Nobody hears much about the Finns, as they quietly
} breed Santa's reindeer and develop wittier versions of Wheel of
} Fortune for Nokia phones. Finns are descended from a mysterious tribe
} who traversed the wilds of Siberia to settle in today's Finland,
} which used to be controlled by Sweden. With them, they carried many
} Japanese traditions, including saunas, non-European sentence
} structures, and a propensity for pointy shoes. Why is this link not
} well-known you ask? Well, a little manufactured rivalry does much to
} increase media attention and branded sports gear.


1451-07    (1468e dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and powerful Oracle...
>
> Hi, I'm The Internet Ocular.  I keep getting e-mails intended for you.
> It doesn't happen too often, so it's not a bother.  How do you want to
> go about dealing with this?  I could just forward them to you when I
> get them or would you like me to just collect them together into a
> digest?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Date: Mon, 06 Feb 12 13:43:54 -0500
} From: Internet Ocular
} Subject: Internet Ocular #0001-01
}
} Selected-By: Tim #1 (aka tim) <tim@tim.tim>
}
} The Internet Ocular has pondered your question deeply.
} Your question was:
}
} > The other day I saw a pirate dog, you know with a patch
} > and a wooden leg. My sister said, "Look at that dog with
} > one eye!" So I covered one eye and looked at it, but it
} > didn't really look all that different than when I viewed
} > it with one eye. What gives?
}
} And in response, thus spied the Ocular:
}
} } I see. Next time swagger up to the dog and say in your
} } best John Wayne voice, "Pilgrim, I know who done shot yer
} } Pa."
} }
} } You must see about giving The Ocular a salty dog, hold the
} } the scurvy.
}
} ------------------------------
}
} Date: Mon, 06 Feb 12 13:43:55 -0500
} From: Internet Ocular
} Subject: Internet Ocular #0001-02
}
} Selected-By: Tim #2 (aka tim) <timtim@timtim.tim>
}
} The Internet Ocular has pondered your question deeply.
} Your question was:
}
} > How does one get black eyed, peas?
}
} And in response, thus spied the Ocular:
}
} } Usually by fighting over chick peas.
}
} ------------------------------
}
} Date: Mon, 06 Feb 12 13:43:56 -0500
} From: Internet Ocular
} Subject: Internet Ocular #0001-03
}
} Selected-By: Tim #2 (aka tim) <timtim@timtim.tim>
}
} The Internet Ocular has pondered your question deeply.
} Your question was:
}
} > How can I catch the eye of that cute guy in Math class?
}
} And in response, thus spied the Ocular:
}
} } Practice your fly fishing and hook him in one of his big
} } blue peepers.
} }
} } You must see your way to giving the Ocular a nightcrawler.
}
} ------------------------------
}
} Date: Mon, 06 Feb 12 13:43:58 -0500
} From: Internet Ocular
} Subject: Internet Ocular #0001-04
}
} Selected-By: Tim #2 (aka tim) <timtim@timtim.tim>
}
} The Internet Ocular has pondered your question deeply.
} Your question was:
}
} > Deer InteRNUT Ocular,
} >
} > What doo you say to A man with A glass EYe named JOberinski?
}
} And in response, thus spied the Ocular:
}
} } Ask him what his other eye is called.
}
} ------------------------------
}
} Date: Mon, 06 Feb 12 13:43:59 -0500
} From: Internet Ocular
} Subject: Internet Ocular #0001-05
}
} Selected-By: Tim #1 (aka tim) <tim@tim.tim>
}
} The Internet Ocular has pondered your question deeply.
} Your question was:
}
} > I tried getting my husband some glasses, but he's still
} > not seeing things my way. What can I do?
}
} And in response, thus spied the Ocular:
}
} } Get an Eye-vorce.
}
} ------------------------------
}
} Date: Mon, 06 Feb 12 13:43:100 -0500
} From: Internet Ocular
} Subject: Internet Ocular #0001-07
}
} Selected-By: Tim #1 (aka tim) <tim@tim.tim>
}
} The Internet Ocular has pondered your question deeply.
} Your question was:
}
} > The sun! It's blinding me! I've been
} > decapitated and I'm face up in a wicker bucket!
} > What can I do?
}
} And in response, thus spied the Ocular:
}
} } Squint, while you're a head.
}
} ------------------------------
}
} Date: Mon, 06 Feb 12 13:43:101 -0500
} From: Internet Ocular
} Subject: Internet Ocular #0001-08
}
} Selected-By: Tim #1 (aka tim) <tim@tim.tim>
}
} The Internet Ocular has pondered your question deeply.
} Your question was:
}
} > What did the law pupil say to the judge?
}
} And in response, thus spied the Ocular:
}
} } Iris my case.
}
} ------------------------------
}
} Date: Mon, 06 Feb 12 13:43:102 -0500
} From: Internet Ocular
} Subject: Internet Ocular #0001-09
}
} Selected-By: Tim #2 (aka tim) <timtim@timtim.tim>
}
} The Internet Ocular has pondered your question deeply.
} Your question was:
}
} > I C U!
}
} And in response, thus spied the Ocular:
}
} } Me too.
} }
} } You must see your way to giving the Ocular a AOL CD.
}
} ------------------------------
}
} Date: Mon, 06 Feb 12 13:43:103 -0500
} From: Internet Ocular
} Subject: Internet Ocular #0001-10
}
} Selected-By: EYE N. Davis (aka end) <end@it.now>
}
} The Internet Ocular has pondered your question deeply.
} Your question was:
}
} > Can I wear glasses when I play contact sports?
}
} And in response, thus spied the Ocular:
}
} } Why not? People with only one bottom play tennis.
} }
} } Wait, that. Hmm. Sorry, I just got back from NYC.
} } I flew in on the Red Eye and boy are my arms covered
} } with vitreous fluid. Thank you! Thank you! I'll be
} } here all week! Be sure and tip the waitresses!
}
} ===================================================
} end
} ***************************************************


1451-08    (15c96 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The Oracle is a smart,
>
> Why don't the Police use pink patrol cars?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They tried that. Citizens kept thinking the cops were Mary Kay
} salespeople. The failure of the police to carry adequate supplies of
} medium-quality eye shadow got them severely beaten with stylish
} purses.


1451-09    (2578b dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle(TM) most wise and all knowing!
>
> If I ASCII a stupid question, do I get a stupid ANSI?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, actually, only an EBCDIC would ask that question.
}
} You owe The Oracle 7 bits.


1451-10    (7a565 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, from the lips of children and infants and adults and common
> barnyard animals you have earned praise! You silence the foe of
> folly and are our avenger against the deluge of ignorance that
> bubbles forth from the television camped in the homes of proles and
> rulers alike,
>
> Are there minimal quantum units of information as well?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Absolutely! After much research, a minimal quantum unit of
} information was finally located in the skull of George W. Bush.


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