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Internet Oracularities #1452

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1452, 1452-01, 1452-02, 1452-03, 1452-04, 1452-05, 1452-06, 1452-07, 1452-08, 1452-09, 1452-10


Internet Oracularities #1452    (33 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 17 Feb 2009 15:22:55 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1452
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1452  33 votes 38d63 18da1 08bb3 04ab8 5c871 7d562 44898 4d871 5ac51 37ba2
1452  3.0 mean  2.9   3.1   3.3   3.7   2.6   2.5   3.4   2.6   2.6   3.0


1452-01    (38d63 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O fantabulous Oracle!
>
> I have come up with a rock-solid proof that you do not exist:
>
> Assumptions:
> (1) The Internet Oracle knows everything.
> (2) Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.
> (3) If somebody knows X, they also expect X.
>
> Corrolary 1:
>
> The Oracle expects the Spanish Inquisition.
>
> Corrolary 2:
>
> The Oracle is nobody.
>
> Well, what do you say about that?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, now. A disbeliever hath we. First of all, Someone could reply
} that 'Chuck Norris Expects the Spanish Inquisition,' but I know many a
} person who can beat Chuck Norris at things, and those jokes are old.
} The Oracle is Nobody? Yes. You ever play Kingdom Hearts 2? With the
} Oracle it was Organization XIIII. But NOPE, I won't make that joke
} either.
} So hold on a second, though. You don't believe I exist, and yet you're
} WRITING to me? Are you just pretending to be a Usenet Atheist, or are
} you insulting me?
} You don't walk up to (or in this case, E-Mail) a supreme being just to
} tell them 'Haw Haw! You don't exist!' Unless you are ready for the
} supreme punishment of their supreme figmentive powers to kick your
} butt. And use words that don't exist, such as 'figmentive.' And chow
} down afterward on a supreme chicken Chalupa.
} Well I'M NOT LAUGHING. The reason I sent the Spanish Inquisition is
} because I sent them.
} The reason I am nobody is because this is the Internet, and I am being
} anonymous.
} So alright you asked. And through asking you asked for it!
} ZOT!
} KERBLAM!
} Zap-eth.
} Alright, you owe the Oracle a Supreme Chicken Chalupa. Drat, I am so
} very hungry.
} *poof*


1452-02    (18da1 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle,
>
> Is yogurt good for fish?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No. It is too thick to swim in. Try putting them in milk and see if
} they can swim there.
}
} You owe the Oracle a fish flan.


1452-03    (08bb3 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most spirited and unflaggingly wise Oracle,
>
> How much is a soul worth now a days on the open market?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The expert recommendation for this stock is,
} as always, DO NOT SELL.
}
} But you owe the Oracle some good, strong spirits.


1452-04    (04ab8 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Great Oracle, who knows more about psychology than Dr Phil:
>
> Do there exist people who have a fear of widths?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes.  We call them "narrow minded people."
}
} You owe The Oracle a double-wide trailer.


1452-05    (5c871 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What gives?  I wasn't digested this time, even though I
> gave much better answers to the same questions.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The thing I hate about humans is how much some of them like wearing
} fetish-wear. Leather, I can handle. Mohair, wool, even crocodile
} skin, it all goes down fairly well. But those studded pvc vinyl body
} suits are really hard on my system. Lay off them next time, okay
} supplicant?  Stick to the natural fibres and we all stay happy.


1452-06    (7d562 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh double secret agent Oracle, even if Cthulhu were plotting
> to destroy America, you would be able to foil him in a mere
> 12 hours, using only a bowlful of household chemicals and a
> water pistol. You are tougher than Chuck Norris trapped in
> Arnold Schwarzenegger's body!
>
> Has 24 finally jumped the shark? A Massive Global Conspiracy
> run by ... a piddling third world country with diamonds?
> Uh huh. How about the fact that the good guys could
> easily detect if planes started veering weirdly off course,
> and could call the pilot and just ask him, "Excuse me, did a
> man with a deep voice and thick foreign accent just
> contact the plane a few minutes ago with a course
> correction directing you to fly into the Sears Towers?
> M'kay, well, just get back on course, and please ignore
> any similar calls in future. We're still working on the
> spam filters."

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's television for crying out loud, by definition it's
} geared to illiterates and shut-ins. Sweating it makes you
} look foolish, let it slide.
}
} You owe the Oracle his own prime time show.


1452-07    (44898 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Today is opposite day.
>
> You owe this Supplicant a piece of paper.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sorry. There's none in this stall either.


1452-08    (4d871 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> M-YM-^EM-XM--M-YM-^EM-XM-/ M-YM-^CM-YM-^DM-XM-(

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Frequently, but it's one of the more difficult ones to accomplish. Some
} people try gently spreading fertilizer; others simply take the bull by
} the tail and look the matter squarely in the face, and that's what I
} would advise you to do.


1452-09    (5ac51 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My CD player stopped playing, and my friend here in New York said I
> should take it to Puget Sound. There doesn't seem to be any company by
> that name, not here in NYC. He said they are open 24/7 and I could just
> drop in. Where can I find Puget Sound?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Pungent" Sound. Your pal was comparing your taste in
} music to a 'pungent sound'. You might not want to play
} your headphones so loud, your hearing is going south.


1452-10    (37ba2 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What should I tell her?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Tell her it's her not you and that she should really consider therapy.


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