} You won't fetch much for it on a public exchange, but as a
} representative of the Delphi Financial Group, I may be able to broker a
} private trade.
} Please submit a sample of your beard to an approved rating agency. I
} recommend Standard & Poor, who are newcomers to the hair rating
} industry, but their Cheveaux division already has a reputation for
} providing excellent ratings.
} I will be able to offer you a standard price for your beard, depending
} on the rating it receives:
} AAA: Styling Grade
} * AAA: the best quality beards, reliable and stable
} * AA : quality beards, a bit more fluff than AAA
} * A : water quality can affect beard quality
} * BBB: medium class beards, which are satisfactory at the moment
} Non-Styling Grade (also known as junk beards)
} * BB : more prone to changes in water quality
} * B : beard quality varies noticeably
} * CCC: currently vulnerable and dependent on care and treatment
} * CC : highly vulnerable, very speculative beards
} * C : highly vulnerable, perhaps losing patches, or graying but
} still continuing to grow
} * CI : sparse and patchy beard
} * R : under spousal supervision due to its situation
} Of course, unless you're Richard Stallman, you're unlikely to receive
} an AAA rating.
} After we buy your beard, we will separate it into individual hairs and
} then package them together with thousands of other beards by length,
} color and quality. We encourage you to invest in your own beard for a
} guaranteed* profit. And hey, if you don't do it, your pension fund
} Thanks again for making DFG your hair investment service of choice, and
} don't forget to buy your pubic insurance, wig options, and hair loss
} swaps - the perfect way to diversify and reduce the risk of your
} You owe Richard Stallman a shave and a haircut.
} *Profit guaranteed according to a mathematical formula that we read in
} a teen magazine. No actual guarantee is made by the Oracle, DFG, or any
} of their representatives.