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Internet Oracularities #1454

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1454, 1454-01, 1454-02, 1454-03, 1454-04, 1454-05, 1454-06, 1454-07, 1454-08, 1454-09, 1454-10


Internet Oracularities #1454    (28 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 21 Apr 2009 08:28:36 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1454
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1454  28 votes 0c745 127c6 18b53 27a72 039c4 18946 4b742 18e50 22aa4 46a53
1454  3.1 mean  3.1   3.7   3.0   3.0   3.6   3.2   2.6   2.8   3.4   2.9


1454-01    (0c745 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do I deal with my autistic co-workers?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. Focus on yourself, and your toenails
} especially. Avoid suggestions. Play games that no one else understands.
} Be incredibly hyper-autistic and eventually you'll establish a new
} standard in the company for autism. You'll be the only autistic left.
}
} You owe the Oracle a way to read the word co-workers without
} automatically thinking of cow-orkers.


1454-02    (127c6 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise, great, and majestic Oracle. If i were to per chance run into
> your house with two sawed off shot-guns, +5 Silver Dragon Scale Mail,
> and a variety of other magical terrifying magical equipment, would a
> mere ZOT be able to stop me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Anyone that knows about those kind of weapons could be easily
} halted with the thing they fear most, a living female.
}
} You owe the Oracle a sub-basement with a view.


1454-03    (18b53 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tired but bouncing Oracle, you roll over and flatten all your
> opponents. Both halves of your brain are bigger than each other, they
> are so huge. Additionally, you never are bored by descriptions of your
> omniscience, even if you knew them all already.
>
> My grandfather tells jokes. That would be okay, except we're heard them
> all before. Most of the ones he tells me are the same ones I told him
> three years ago. (Now I'm smarter and don't tell him jokes anymore.)
>
> He always says, "Stop me if you've heard this one." But if we tell him,
> "Yes, Gramps, we know that one. It's the joke about the horse farting,
> right? I told it to you three years ago," HE DOESN'T STOP. He keeps
> right on going. We yawn, we try to leave the room, we start talking
> about old-timer's disease, he won't shut up.
>
> ... so the Queen says, "Oh, I'm dreadfully sorry," and the visiting
> Emperor of Bazongostan says, "That's all right, I thought it was the
> horse."
>
> Oops, sorry about that. Gramps hadn't gotten to the punchline.
>
> What should I do? Shove a sock in his mouth? He's really a good
> grandfather, except for this one problem.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is actually a fortunate situation. Your grandfather is an organic
} joke aggregator. All you have to do is find some new source of
} information to hook him up to, and he'll whittle down the massive
} amounts of data he's presented with to the few nuggets of comedy gold.
}
} For example, if you were to get him a netbook (a meager $150
} investment, if you just buy an old laptop and install Linux on it), and
} make some massive jokes database his Internet homepage, I guarantee
} that the massive influx of new material would render him a laugh riot
} at parties or family gatherings.
}
} Either that or grab some lumber, surgical tubing, a PIC timer and a
} canister each of sleep medication and caffeine, and make him into a
} clock that tells a joke on the hour.
}
} You owe the Oracle a detailed map of Bazongastan.


1454-04    (27a72 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Did she really say she had a crush on me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, she means when you were lying unconscious, she sat on your
} back and drank an orange crush.


1454-05    (039c4 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Almighty Oracle,
> In these days of unrest and fear due to the terrible financial crisis,
> I would like to ask if I should shave off my beard.
>
> Thank you

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You won't fetch much for it on a public exchange, but as a
} representative of the Delphi Financial Group, I may be able to broker a
} private trade.
}
} Please submit a sample of your beard to an approved rating agency. I
} recommend Standard & Poor, who are newcomers to the hair rating
} industry, but their Cheveaux division already has a reputation for
} providing excellent ratings.
}
} I will be able to offer you a standard price for your beard, depending
} on the rating it receives:
}
} AAA: Styling Grade
}     * AAA: the best quality beards, reliable and stable
}     * AA : quality beards, a bit more fluff than AAA
}     * A  : water quality can affect beard quality
}     * BBB: medium class beards, which are satisfactory at the moment
}
} Non-Styling Grade (also known as junk beards)
}     * BB : more prone to changes in water quality
}     * B  : beard quality varies noticeably
}     * CCC: currently vulnerable and dependent on care and treatment
}     * CC : highly vulnerable, very speculative beards
}     * C  : highly vulnerable, perhaps losing patches, or graying but
}            still continuing to grow
}     * CI : sparse and patchy beard
}     * R  : under spousal supervision due to its situation
}
} Of course, unless you're Richard Stallman, you're unlikely to receive
} an AAA rating.
}
} After we buy your beard, we will separate it into individual hairs and
} then package them together with thousands of other beards by length,
} color and quality. We encourage you to invest in your own beard for a
} guaranteed* profit. And hey, if you don't do it, your pension fund
} will!
}
} Thanks again for making DFG your hair investment service of choice, and
} don't forget to buy your pubic insurance, wig options, and hair loss
} swaps - the perfect way to diversify and reduce the risk of your
} portfolio!
}
} You owe Richard Stallman a shave and a haircut.
}
} *Profit guaranteed according to a mathematical formula that we read in
} a teen magazine. No actual guarantee is made by the Oracle, DFG, or any
} of their representatives.


1454-06    (18946 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I know all about horse opera, Wagnarian opera and soap opera. But I've
> only rarely heard of soup opera. Please explain soup opera.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Soup opera is a well-established genre, though thinly represented of
} late.  Its tastefulness, ironically, contributes to its lack of broad
} appeal; at its best it is a subtly seasoned blend of simmering
} subplots rather than Wagner's boiling bombast or the hot but bland
} meat-and-potatoes of the soaps.
}
} The genre is commonly agreed to have started in the 1700's, with "The
} Upstairs Kitchen, or Lady Fanesca's Folly" often being cited as the
} primordial soup.  During the latter part of the century the genre
} enjoyed broad popularity, and revenue from soup opera productions was
} steady enough that critics began to pan them as little more than
} potboilers.  As this perception spread and audiences shrunk during the
} 1800's, writers and operatic companies turned increasingly to other
} genres that offered a more sizable financial carrot.  Loyal fans
} stewed over this move, calling it 'chicken,' and Frederic Rouillard
} (heir to Julien, the Prince of Soups), similarly having a beef with
} the decline of soup opera, paid bullion for stock in a theater company
} and commissioned a meaty series (or 'course,' as they were known) of
} soups which were, sadly, never completed.  However, Dodgson (writing
} as Carroll) gave soups a nod via the Mock Turtle (a stock character),
} showing that the genre retained some popularity even as it cooled.
}
} Currently soup opera productions are limited to university theater
} departments and a few volunteer-run stage troupes, as audiences are
} difficult to find.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new soup in three acts, to be titled "Gazpacho."


1454-07    (4b742 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The answer lies within...  Waitasec.
>
> Zadoc!  Hoi, ZADOC!
>
> ] Yes, mast--  Hey, you're not my master.
>
> Yes I am, you idiot!  You used my change machine without my permission!
>
> ] How do I know you're telling me the truth?
>
> Because you're always using my things without permission!  You are so
> going to get it this time.
>
> ] But how do I know you're the real Oracle?  I shall have to ask an
> expert.  ...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If he has Xavier Roberts' signature on his butt, you can be
} rest assured it's the genuine Oracle.
}
} Don't forget to use the Oracle Activation Key or else he won't
} be able to answer any more questions after 30 days.


1454-08    (18e50 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> So... um... what's on your mind?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, currently I'm sitting here, hoping and praying that the phone
} won't ring and bring another pleading prospective user of the internet
} to my ears to spend my time patiently leading them through steps that
} a five year old could probably master faster than them. Wondering
} just why it is that excellent things can't last forever, why the
} candle that burns twice as bright has to die half as fast, but the
} candle that burns half as bright lasts four times as long, and why
} the candle that burns 3/4s as bright only lasts 5/8s as long as the
} candle that burns half as bright. I'm also brought to mind the xkcd
} comic, wherein the characters travel back through a time machine,
} in order to kill the wachowski brothers shortly after releasing the
} first Matrix film, and the wistfulness of the audience as they wonder
} to what a shame it is that they never made anymore.
}
} I also think it might be time to have another peep.
}
} You owe the oracle a pint of homemade ice cream.


1454-09    (22aa4 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How will I know when she's ready?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because she'll be coming around the mountain.
}
} You owe the Oracle a molehill that's ready and willing.


1454-10    (46a53 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "J. Avedon" <soteric2@msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why can I think of excellent questions for you when I am in the
> shower or driving my car (and thus unable to write them down), but
> when faced with an actual keyboard I draw a blank, and spew forth
> useless blather like this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} > *ring* *ring*
}
} Oracle: Your supreme greatness the Oracle speaking.
}
} God: Yo dude dude dude I got the greatisht prank ever!
}
} Oracle: Do you need a ride home?
}
} God: No no man I... I...
}
} Oracle: ...
}
} God: SO! I am goings to give humans the ability to have FANTASTIC
} idears and thoughtsss at the most incon... inconvenient of timess.
}
} Oracle: Sounds great... *rolls eyes* Listen I kno-
}
} God: NO YOU LISTEN!! They're going to have these thoughts, when they
} absolutely don't need them. Then when they have to come up with
} somestshing they're gona draw a blank! It'll be hilarious man!
}
} Oracle: I know you're drunk again. Where are you? I'm coming to get you.
}
} God: It's a fracking great idea for a prank, no?
}
} Oracle: *sigh* Yes, yes it's fine, where are you?
}
} God: *(off in the distance) Yo God you want to do another round?*
} Hey listen Oracle I can't talk right now man, I gotsta go BY- *click*


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