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Internet Oracularities #1455

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Internet Oracularities #1455    (28 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 13 May 2009 09:15:02 -0500 (EST)

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   1455
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1455  28 votes 46b43 06aa2 24d72 03ba4 085b4 076b4 06ba1 8c530 049b4 1d851
1455  3.1 mean  2.9   3.3   3.1   3.5   3.4   3.4   3.2   2.1   3.5   2.7


1455-01    (46b43 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's the best way to play Lemmings?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lemming costume: $15
}
} Shovel: $20
}
} Bus ride: $25
}
} A good friend with a driving licence: a six-pack or two
}
} The look on the face of everyone you know when you do a round-robin of
} their houses on top of a stolen bus screaming "WATCH OUT FOR THE CLIFF
} RODNEY": Priceless
}
} You owe the Oracle your Mastercard pin number included. Or Visa. Visa
} is fine too.


1455-02    (06aa2 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great and magnificient Oracle, who can freely contemplate the infinite
> distance between two atoms in a neutron star:
>
> If the universe is mostly made up of empty space, why is real estate
> so expensive?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's a widely known fact that real estate agents are in fact full
} of little more than hot air. They require no education, no formal
} training, and if you've ever done tech support for one, no knowledge
} of any kind.
}
} That said, in terms of real estate, the emptiness of space is
} wholly relative to what you can do with it. While you might find the
} relatively dense area of the termination shock of our solar system
} rather dull to live in, and likely be able to find any number of
} people willing to give it away for free, a 30 cubic foot apartment in
} manhatten with a spectacular view would have infinitely more uses to
} your simian mind, such as bringing dates back to after clubbing them
} over the head. The quoted price would therefore rise dramatically.
}
} The only reason people are willing to pay the prices asked for it
} is that they can't imagine getting the needs they have to fulfill
} met any other way, and the only reason people sell for the prices
} they have is because people are willing to pay for them. The balance
} between them is all held together by real estate agents who ensure
} that everyone is on the same page.
}
} So you see, the reason for the high price of real estate is that real
} estate has no price at all. It is artificially inflated according
} to the ebbs and flows of all orders of society, and in all actuality
} may as well be traded in pizza hut tokens.
}
} Now, what should YOU do about it? I'm glad you asked, supplicant!
}
} The key to beating the high price of real estate is to open your mind
} to new possibilities. What ARE your needs, really and truly? Presumably
} you require a place to keep your food, a place to clean the filth from
} your body, a point of stability where people can reach you, a place to
} sleep, and a place to keep the junk that you consider important to you.
}
} The last few needs can be met by acquiring a car. While at first
} glance this might seem to be a purchase even as great as that of
} buying a small house, you must keep in mind that people also hold
} the strange prejudice that cars should actually be able to run,
} and transport you from place to place. Take away this prejudice,
} and you can actually acquire one for a very reasonable price.
}
} Push it out to an unused portion of the world, unclaimed by the
} money-makers of society, and you have an instant base for which
} to store your body and various trinkets of experience. In order to
} ensure a place where you can clean yourself, this place should also
} be somewhere within walking distance of a large source of water,
} such as a hot spring, stream, river, waterfall, or canal.
}
} Fulfilling the remainder of your needs can be somewhat tricky. However,
} technology is on your side. Advances in solar power make it cost
} a mere 30 cents per watt to produce, which is even cheaper than
} burning coal. So, simply erect solar powers over your vehicle, and
} suddenly all sorts of options open to you, such as refrigerators,
} laptop computers, and the charging of cell phones.
}
} So you see, so long as you're willing to be flexible, and consider
} alternate ways to meet your requirements of life, you can in fact
} beat the system erected by the lower life forms around you.
}
} You owe the oracle a dozen rolls of toilet paper.


1455-03    (24d72 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why should we have to worry about the environment? According
> to 2 Peter:
>
>  10 But the day of the Lord will come as a thief in the
> night; in the which the heavens shall pass away with a
> great noise, and the elements shall melt with fervent heat,
> the earth also and the works that are therein shall be
> burned up.
>
>  11 Seeing then that all these things shall be dissolved,
> what manner of persons ought ye to be in all holy
> conversation and godliness,
>
>  12 Looking for and hasting unto the coming of the day of
> God, wherein the heavens being on fire shall be dissolved,
> and the elements shall melt with fervent heat?
>
> Sounds like some pretty serious global warming to me! And
> shouldn't we be looking forward to it, not trying to
> prevent it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That Peter - such a joker!  Remind me to hassle him for that one, next
} time we chat.
}
} In his defense, it never occurred to him at the time that people who
} so completely lack his cultural frame of reference would be reading a
} rough translation of his words and take them for literal and imminent
} truth.  (Imminent, OK, I suppose; the whole point is that you
} shouldn't know when exactly your time is up, individually or
} collectively, so as to avoid the "Jesus is coming: look busy!"
} mentality.  But sheesh, not literal!)
}
} Since you're fond of Bible verses, though, here are a couple to
} consider.  You got your Jeremiah 2:7, with a nice harangue about
} taking good care of a tiny bit of the planet.  Habakkuk 2:17, same
} deal, with consequences mentioned.  Capping it off, 2 Chronicles
} 36:21, basically saying Hey, you didn't take care of your territory,
} now you're getting booted off and it's getting 70 years of fallow time
} while you work for somebody else.
}
} And don't get me started on the whole ark thing.  Again, forget the
} literal bit - Noah didn't have a staff entomologist, you know - but
} consider the priorities: only one family of humans out of the world's
} whole teeming diversity, but space for every single other species.
} Even the so-called unclean ones.
}
} So. Granted, you don't know when the jig's going to be up,
} individually, collectively, or universally.  But you DO know you're
} supposed to take care of what you have and be good both to people and
} to the natural world.  Stewardship, if you will.  Good stewardship
} brings good results, bad stewardship brings a world of hurt - in this
} case literally.
}
} Species are dying out in record numbers, and while there is some
} questionable science about some claims of global warming, there is no
} reasonable doubt left that it is a) caused by humans and b) bad for
} life on this planet. Including yours.  And you do want yours to be as
} long as possible, don't you?
}
}
} Now quit yanking my chain and go tell your religious friends.


1455-04    (03ba4 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My friend's dad offered me a job at the plant. I asked him what I
> needed to work there and he said, "STEAL TOAD SHOES!" (He speaks that
> way. All caps.)
>
> So I did. Well, at least I tried. Instead I stole some fake alligator
> shoes. He fired me the first day. What's with him?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Obviously, you were fired for incorrectly following instructions.
}
} Toads with shoes can be hard to find though, I understand. The best
} way to obtain them, is to first find a swampy, froggy swamp.
} You can tell that it's froggy enough if you can see frogs. You can
} tell if the area is swampy enough by the swamp. There should be one.
} If there isn't, it's possible you're still at home, or in your
} backyard.
}
} Find a nice spot to sit down, and make sure you hold a shoe horn high
} above your head. Within a couple of hours, the swamp life should
} become accustomed you your presence, and you can begin to examine
} toads for footware.
}
} Try to find a toad who's on his way to the shoe store. He'll be more
} likely to part with his shoes if he's about to get new ones.


1455-05    (085b4 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> what type of women like a man with a hovercraft?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I suppose I am expected to write something like "Those who are aloof
} themselves". But the truth is, EVERY woman likes a man with a
} hovercraft. Trust me on this one.
}
} You owe the Oracle a refill of eels.


1455-06    (076b4 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wisest Oracle, I turn to your all-knowing awesomeness in an hour
> of great despair. Why is it that into each generation of students,
> many are born who fail to understand that giving an example is not
> enough when a mathematical proof is required of them?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, there are cases for which you might want to prove that
} "!(forAll X P)", which is equivalent to "exists an X for which not P".
} It is then actually sufficient to give an example of an X for which !P
} holds.
}
} Now, if the task is "prove that either P or !P holds for all X",
} because the teacher does not want to imply the truth (or falsehood)
} of P in the question, or if the task is "prove that P holds for all X",
} but the student is so smart that he realizes that the teacher has made
} a mistake, it is often the far better route to go, because providing
} a single example is usually a lot easier than proving a statement for
} all X. In the latter case, it also make the teacher - the supplicant
} of a question, one might say - look silly without being presumptuous,
} which is often the goal for math students and collaborative humorous
} writers alike.
}
} For example, mentioning the fact that the generation of students who
} entered High school in 1953 all were perfectly aware of all this, frees
} me from the obligation to write a long, complicated and funny answer
} to the statement you wrongly implied to be true in your question.
}
} You owe the Oracle a 5-page essay proving that you no longer beat
} your wife.


1455-07    (06ba1 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I've been wondering about languages. All except French. I know
> everything I need to know about French.
>
> Anyway, according to language historians there once was Old Norse. It
> eventually split into eastern and western Norse (not north and south as
> would seem logical).
>
> The Angles (not Angels) and Saxons spoke a language that became German,
> Dutch, Frisian, English and ghod-gnose what else.
>
> It's like, in olden times there were fewer languages. Why does one
> language split into others? Why not unite them instead, like the Danes
> and Swedes could take up speaking Norwegian. Oops, there are two
> Norwegian languages. They'd have to choose. Oh well.
>
> What if maybe most of Europe gave up speaking Ethnic and all changed
> over to English? Or are they doing that already?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually they are. And Ethnic languages are supposed to be going
} extinct almost as fast as animals. What no one knows (except me
} because I know everything) is what happens to them after they go
} extinct.
}
} What one generally thinks of as happening to something after it goes
} extinct is that it gets fossilized. As it turns out, that happens to
} languages too. They get turned into stone and buried for long periods
} of time until somebody digs them up again and tries to reconstruct
} them. The most famous example of this is the Rosetta Stone, which was
} like the ichthyosaur of all languages. There was also the Epic of
} Gilgamesh with its Cuneiform writing which was like the Tyrannosaurus
} Rex of all languages.
}
} In this extended metaphor, Latin is the little dinosaur that evolved
} into the archaeopteryx and from there into all the myriad birds in the
} world, and Anglo-Saxon is the little rat creature that evolved into
} all the various hairy beasts of the world. Neither of them is around
} anymore, but their descendants are, in great numbers. And one of those
} descendants of the Anglo-Saxon rat creature is in the process of
} taking over the world.
}
} And thus can the English language be directly compared to the human
} race.


1455-08    (8c530 dist, 2.1 mean)
Selected-By: twchew@mindspring.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> We are all hungry here. Isn't there some way we can starve off hunger
> for a while?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, I'd advise you to throw a party. That should take your mind
} off it, Mr. Donner.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bowl of Blitzen stew.
}
}
} [[NOTE: The editor of this digest and selecting priest of this Oracularity
} would like to apologize to anyone offended by the P.S. that was present
} in this answer when originally published.  It somehow escaped our
} attention and wasn't removed prior to publication, as is our practice.
} It did not reflect the opinion of the Oracle's staff.]]


1455-09    (049b4 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Rhetorical question.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What's wrong with this statement?


1455-10    (1d851 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do the English say 'zed' instead of 'zee'? It's sounds
> like a really goofy nonsense word, like zork or glorp.
> Even the English pronounce most of the rest of their letters
> to end in 'ee' just like us, so it's hypocritical for them
> to make an exception for 'z' (ZEE).

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Wait until you hear the English pronounce Greek. The beta that you
} think is bayta becomes beeta in their mouths. And let's not even
} discuss the pronunciation of Nicaragua.
}
} Have you ever considered the vast number of people on earth who speak
} English? And that most of them are in India and other parts of the
} Former Empire? And that they all say "Zed"?


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