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Internet Oracularities #1456

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1456, 1456-01, 1456-02, 1456-03, 1456-04, 1456-05, 1456-06, 1456-07, 1456-08, 1456-09, 1456-10


Internet Oracularities #1456    (28 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 11 Jun 2009 07:20:55 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1456
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1456  28 votes 02bc3 079a2 23a85 12c94 12af0 1b961 69931 1bd30 29b42 36d51
1456  3.1 mean  3.6   3.2   3.4   3.5   3.4   2.8   2.4   2.6   2.8   2.8


1456-01    (02bc3 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How can you tell if a girl or a guy likes you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Guy who likes you: Beard or stubble, deep voice, adam's apple, male
} genitalia.
}
} Girl who likes you: Little or no trace of beard, high voice, female
} genitalia.
}
} Look, if you're having trouble discerning which is which, you have more
} troubles than you need.
}
} The Oracle owes you a security blanket.


1456-02    (079a2 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: twchew@mindspring.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Remember me? I'm the owl salesman. This time I'm not going to try to
> sell you an owl. (Even though I'm pretty sure you need one.)
>
> Instead I have a question. My owls can turn their heads halfway around
> and face backwards without moving their feet, owing to the extra number
> of bones in their necks.
>
> My mom used to be able to do that when I was a kid, or else she had
> eyes in the back of her head (owls don't--I've looked). She knew what I
> was doing all the time. "Whatever you're doing, STOP IT!"
>
> Was my mom part owl? Is that where I got my interest in owls? If so,
> I'd be part owl, too. Why can't I turn my neck around like that?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My dear supplicant, you appear to have things a bit backwards.
} Mothers did not evolve -from- owls, they evolved -because- of owls.
}
} You see, owls survive on a diet of small creatures, and mothers survive
} solely off of their desire to nurture small creatures [citation
} needed]. As a result, it was necessary for the mothers to develop
} better ways of watching the small creatures than the owls; hence the
} eyes in the back of their heads.
}
} The nagging is an unfortunate side-effect due to a change in brain
} construction, which was necessary to accommodate the new pair of eyes.
}
} You owe the Oracle an owl pellet full of w**dc**ck bones.


1456-03    (23a85 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You refuse my generous proposal?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, last time I wished to live forever and now more
} and more I find myself thinking I should have asked
} for a kitten instead.


1456-04    (12c94 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What are the chances that..
>
> China will one day run out of room?
>
> A new dinosaur will be discovered this year?
>
> While doing rehabilitative catch, a pitcher will become incensed by
> the boos of the crowd and go on a clock-related rampage that will
> destroy the world?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Interestingly, the three phenomena you mention are all closely related.
}
} On April 13, 2063 in an exhibition game against the Toronto Blue Jays,
} Cleveland Native Americans pitcher Leroy Paige IV became enraged and
} vowed to kill everyone at the stadium who jeered him.  He realized he
} would be unable to follow through on this threat without resorting to
} time travel, so he went out and purchased a cheap used Toyota Chronohop
} (2058 model). Unfortunately for Paige, the reason he picked the unit up
} for such a low price was the clock circuits in the Chronohop were
} malfunctioning. He returned to the day of the game repeatedly,
} identifying each booing fan and then going back to each person's
} conception and murdering their parents, but each jump made the clock
} chip overheat a bit more, sending him further back in time.  But by now
} (then?) he was in such a frenzied rage of killing he didn't care,
} cracking the skull of any living thing that came within reach of his
} nanoparticle-alloy bat.
}
} It was in this genocidical fury that he inadvertently saved the life of
} a previously extinct species of dinosaur, one which was so big it
} dwarfed the Tyrannosaur by an order of magnitude.  A female deposited
} her surprisingly tiny hatchlings in the trunk of the Chronohop while he
} was chasing her, and those hatchlings survived the trip.
}
} His rage somewhat abated, Paige attempted to return to his home time
} and stop himself from wreaking all this havoc on history, but he
} crashed into a giant redwood in a grove that stood (will stand?) where
} the stadium formerly existed, and was killed instantly.
}
} The Gargantusaur hatchlings survived, and a visiting Chinese biologist
} found them and took them home for study at Beijing University.  They
} grew at a phenomenal rate and escaped, out of control, in just a few
} weeks.  They also reproduced extremly quickly, and with no natural
} predators, the offspring thrived.  Soon enormous herds of the 'saurs
} roamed China, forcing the human population (and every other species
} with a lick of sense) to flee.  Within two years the country, as well
} as the rest of Asia, was overrun by the creatures and there was not
} enough room for the human population at all.
}
} As I write this, from my vantage point outside the time-space
} continuum, I see that the dinosaurs have destroyed or consumed all
} other living organisms and are eating one another at a rapid pace.  One
} group dug so deeply into the earth they opened a fissure that released
} unprecedented jets of geothermal pressure through their caves into the
} atmosphere in a blast powerful enough to nudge the Earth out of its
} orbit into a rapid plunge toward the sun.
}
} Your only hope is to prevent time travel from ever being discovered.
} If you ever run across a nanophysicist student named Herbert Cheng,
} don't wait for him to publish anything - kill him immediately.
}
} So to answer your question, the chances of those events occurring are
} either 100% or nil depending on whether you believe time is immutable.
}
} You owe the Oracle a grandfather paradox.


1456-05    (12af0 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise and malevolent. Please bestow you endless wisdom
> upon me and answer my humble query:
>
> I am stuck for a week on sentry duty in the middle of nowhere with no
> company except my laptop and a slow internet connection (and a lot of
> angry Arabs that want to kill me). How should I entertain myself
> through that endless boredom?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Step 1: ditch the laptop.  You've got power for two or three hours,
} tops.  It's not going to last the week.
}
} Step 2: dress appropriately.  You may think your camos help you blend
} in, but they really make you look like a target.  Besides, sand gets
} *everywhere*.  Yes, everywhere.  Even in wheres that you don't think
} 'every' covers.  Dress to avoid getting hot and to avoid getting sand
} in you-know-where.
}
} Step 3: look for water.  You can survive a week without food but,
} without water, you're going to be toast.  Desert toast.  Which is
} one S short of... wait, was that water over there?  Oops, just a
} mirage.  Keep looking.
}
} Step 4: don't go insane.  The best way to preserve sanity... dammit,
} that's got to be water over there.  OK, step 4 really is head over
} to the water as fast as you can.
}
} Step 5: I coulda sworn that was water.  Anyway, one thing to do to
} occupy your time is to start counting the grains of sand.  They say
} it's less than a googol, so it must be do-able.  Start now, because
} they aren't getting any fewer.
}
} Step 6: die of thirst.  And insanity.  But mostly of thirst.
}
} Step 7: reincarnate as an Oracle.


1456-06    (1b961 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Great Oracle.
> I can't find the Wizard. Maybe you could give a heart?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle bids three no-trump, raises ten, draws three, spayed his
} cat, sealed his clubs, and is playing with a no-nines double pinochle
} deck. You expect me to find a heart in all that mess?


1456-07    (69931 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is it true that the Lamanites had sore knees from all the Nephites?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your religion is warped. You were thinking of the Book of Laminations,
} in which the Hebrews were commanded to go forth and sell plywood.


1456-08    (1bd30 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If the birdcage isn't in the toaster, how many roads must we wait
> before we can go swimming again?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} swimming may be done when the caged bird manages to escape and takes
} the toaster with him, in case he encounters any striped-warblers on the
} outside.
}
} It also is not how many roads you must pause for, but the condition of
} the road in question. This road will be identified by it's
} "Adopt-A-Road" sign. This one will be maintained by MADD (mothers
} against drunk driving) and have signage designed to cause drunks to
} lose control of their cars and crash.
}
} The most effective sign so far is one which orders motorists to raise
} air pressure on the driver's side tires to 120psi while adjusting
} passenger side tires to 15psi. This sign is positioned shortly before
} the beginning of the "windy snake" highway, noted for it's narrow
} lanes, sharp turns and 1000 foot drop-off.
}
} the oracle request you take note of his deep compassion for all living
} things.


1456-09    (29b42 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh the most wonder-some and fearless Oracle. I come to you as you are
> my one and only deity. This should come as no shock to you but it's
> time for me to know one thing.
>
> What is the difference between a role-playing strategy game and
> role-playing in a historical sense? I desire to jump into a new
> character in order to shake some of life's daemons.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Easy. Have your current character take up role playing.


1456-10    (36d51 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> There's three of us here. We share one brain. Each of us gets one half.
>
> I'm Number 1, the thinker. I use the top half of the brain and think
> wise thoughts, more or less.
>
>    I'm Number 2, the feeler. I use the bottom half of the brain and
> don't think much, but I know what I like, more or less.
>
>      I'm number 3. Duhhh.
>
> Number 1 again. I'm going to let you in on a secret. When Rush
> Limburger says, "With half my brain tied behind my back, just to make
> it fair," he's borrowing Number 3's half.
>
>    Number 2 again. I wasn't paying attention, but that's the big cheese
> that smells funny, right?
>
>      Number 3 Again. What's dat smell? Duhhhhh?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm not big on criticizing lifestyle choices, but you know how hard
} that is on the corpus callosum, right?  And splitting off your
} brainstem from higher-order function is just asking for trouble,
} despite its leaving intact your ability to make olfactory plays on
} names.
}
} That smell is from under your medial suture, where you have a pocket
} of infection.  The good news is that it's just regular staph, not
} MRSA.  The bad news is it'll go systemic soon, and with the stress
} you've already put on your collective system, that'll be it for you
} unless you get some real medical care pronto.  No more of this DIY
} stuff, you hear me?
}
} You owe the Oracle a hand.


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