[IO]
Internet Oracle
21 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 15:55:14 GMT

Internet Oracularities #1457

Goto:
1457, 1457-01, 1457-02, 1457-03, 1457-04, 1457-05, 1457-06, 1457-07, 1457-08, 1457-09, 1457-10


Internet Oracularities #1457    (27 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 09 Jul 2009 15:07:11 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line, or go to http://www.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/ or
http://www.internetoracle.org/  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of
Stephen B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1457
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1457  27 votes 24678 25b81 28881 16956 03e73 46944 18882 23796 55764 246c3
1457  3.2 mean  3.6   3.0   2.9   3.3   3.4   2.9   3.1   3.5   3.0   3.4


1457-01    (24678 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> All right, I know you hate doing dream interpretation, but you've gotta
> see this one. This time I captured an actual piece of dialogue from one
> of my dreams. It's this: YOU'LL GET IT WHEN YOU SEE GREENS STUCCO
> PAINTROOM COMPLETE WITH THE PAINT GO FRAUD. I put it in all caps
> because I couldn't figure out how to punctuate it. I don't know who was
> saying it. It was probably directed at me.
>
> Does it make any sense to you? For instance, does it support the theory
> that dreaming is like watching a garbage-collection algorithm run, and
> whatever words or images come along are just stuff that was hanging
> around in the deepths of the short-term memory, appearing as each chunk
> of memory gets freed up?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I hate to disappoint you, but you're merely the victim of crossed
} messages.  What you heard was part of a wiretap recording made during
} an FBI investigation of suspected Mafia kingpin Bruno "Failed Grovel"
} Pastrami. Pastrami was discussing the details of a plan to defraud
} customers with a phony house painting business.  His accomplice,
} Bernard "Unimaginative Nickname" Shaw, was asking when he would be
} paid for another job, and Pastrami assured him that the next bogus
} paint job, and the payment for same, would be delivered by their
} intermediary contact, Jimmy "Soylent" Greens. Pastrami's answer, and
} Shaw's enthusiasm, makes more sense with proper parsing:
}   "You'll get it when you see 'Greens'."
}   "Stucco paintroom?"
}   "Complete with the paint!"
}   "Go fraud!"
}
} It was this last ill-advised outburst from overenthusiastic Shaw that
} enabled the FBI to convict Pastrami and his gang.
}
} Getting back to your question, dreams are for the most part your
} brain's desperate attempt to get your attention on an urgent crisis
} that may be a matter of life and death. The message you should have
} received was:
}
} SHIMMERING MONKEYS LAMBADA PASTE BOILING KITTENS
}
} I hope that clears everything up for you.
}
} You owe the Oracle a clever, but menacing-sounding, Mafia nickname.


1457-02    (25b81 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I fear my mother may be insane. First she tried to convince
> me not to speak (way to encourage linguistic development,
> Mom!) by offering me a diamond ring. Then she speculated that
> it may 'turn into' brass.
> Is she studying alchemy that she thinks it's possible to
> transmute diamonds (carbon) into brass (an alloy of copper
> and zinc)? Do you think I should report her to CPS as a
> possible danger to herself and me? This is some pretty
> wacky ****!
>
> Sincerely,
>
> a baby

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Nah.  The 'turns brass' just reflects concern that the metal in which
} the stone is set may not be gold (in which case the diamond itself is
} probably either zirconia or glass).  This would become apparent as the
} brass tarnishes.
}
} Where the rest of the song is concerned, you're on your own.  Just be
} glad your mom didn't come up with it herself.
}
} You owe the Oracle your college fund.  If you're already discussing
} alchemy and metallurgy, you won't need it.


1457-03    (28881 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle, who knows all, sees all, and is a sure pick in the next
> election, my question is of vital importance to civilization.  The
> entire fate of our species rests in the answer to this question!  My
> question is
> {gasps} Rosebud!
> {supplicant dies}

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Kind of pointless, answering a dead supplicant. But you might have left
} things, such as my answers, in your will, to some unfortunate souls. My
} answer is, of course, cryptic and incomplete.
}
} In your will you owe the Oracle your sled.


1457-04    (16956 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, secretive Oracle, whose passwords are uncrackable, and who can
> decrypt anything in his head!
>
> Got any nice, easy to remember 8-word sentences containing a number?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "This 8 word sentence contains a single number"
}
} You owe the Oracle a quine written in COBOL.


1457-05    (03e73 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Orrie, I would write you twice a fingerset of fingersets of fingersets
> of fingersets of fingersets of fingersets of pages on how great the
> Oracle is. Is that a good grovel? Did people ever used to count like
> that? Why don't we use base 5?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I use base 5 frequently. It's handy when I have two and a half fingers
} on each hand.
}
} You owe the Oracle a safety device for the bandsaw in the butcher shop
} that'll stop the saw when it's cutting fingers instead of meat.


1457-06    (46944 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I would like to know more details about the word/token "MJ12" along
> with it's meanings/associated terms.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's the slot outside Neverland Ranch where needy parents would deposit
} their 12 year olds. It's been closed since last Thursday.
}
} You owe the Oracle a prosthetic nose found at Roswell.


1457-07    (18882 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have a litter filled baking pan in the toilet, but the cat
> is still standing in it. How do I get it to stand on the
> seat? That is the final step before freedom.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Right. The cat is waiting for you to abandon the house and live
} outside. You will be allowed to enter, bearing food, twice a day, at
} dawn, noon, midafternoon, and evening. That's more than twice, isn't
} it. Cats always think you have not fed them.
}
} Go feed your cat, slave.


1457-08    (23796 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm all confused, which probably makes me an excellent suppplicant.
>
> My mom says, "You are what you eat."
>
> Her mom says, "Yo am what yo is."
>
> And my dad's mom says, "Yo am what yo ain't."
>
> Which one's right? And what's it mean?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your mother is correct. Consult Mr. William Strunk Jr.'s /The Classics
} of Style: The Fundamentals of Language Style From Our American
} Craftsmen/ (ISBN 0978728203) for more information as to why.
}
} The meaning, of course, is that you are, in fact, what you eat. It's
} very simply quantum physics, really. As I'm sure you know, the Universe
} began in a Big Bang, where a bunch of matter was created that travels
} forwards in time. Now, from your perspective, the Universe will end in
} a Big Crunch, where a bunch of matter is destroyed due to traveling
} forward in time.
}
} Now, as I'm sure you already know, right-handed matter going forwards
} in time is the same left-handed antimatter going backwards in time (the
} particles are, of course, the same color and flavor - southpaw
} backwards antistrawberries are still delicious and red). As a result,
} it's easy to see that the Big Crunch really is the creation of a bunch
} of antimatter going backwards in time and using the wrong hand for
} everything - all this antimatter gets destroyed at the Big Crunch.
}
} Now, here's the tricky bit:
}
} It's all the same particle. Due to the massive energies at the Big
} Bang/Crunch, this particle keeps flipflopping between being matter and
} antimatter, going forwards and backwards in time, you get the drift. So
} you are eating yourself. You are breathing yourself. When your
} girlfriend cheated on you last Tuesday and you killed her for it, you
} killed yourself. And so on.
}
} I hope this clears everything up for you.
}
} You owe The Oracle a zombie Feynman.


1457-09    (55764 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O stately Oracle
> Will Delaware her New Jersey?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ohio,
}  New Jersey? Alaska.


1457-10    (246c3 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> WHY DOESN'T FTP HAVE A BUILT IN CKSUM??????? DOESN'T THAT
> SEEM LIKE ONE PLACE WHERE YOU'D REALLY *LIKE* TO RUN
> CKSUM????

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Do you see that key on the left side, just above the "Shift" key?  On
} the l eft side.  It says "Caps Lock".  No, on the /keyboard/.  No, the
} left.  Your ot her left.  Underneath the "Tab" key.  No, *above* the
} "Shift" key.  Yes, the on e that says "Caps Lock".  If you press it a
} few times, you will notice a blinking light on the keyb...
}
} Do /not/ stare at the blinking light.  Stop pressing that key.
}
} HEY!!!  PAY ATTENTION UP HERE!!!
}
} Ahem.  Now, make sure that light is off.  If it is not, press the "Caps
} Loc k" k...
}
} Are you done?  Okay, now take a screwdriver and pop that sucker off.
} No, t he "Caps Lock" key.  Put the Phillips down and grab that flat
} head.  Yes, just like that.
}
} That's better.  Now, as you read this next sentence, pick up any hard,
} heav y but easily handheld instrument and bludgeon yourself in the head
} once for e ach syllable.
}
} Do not mess with the elegant simplicity of tried and true utilities
} antisesquipedalianist antidisestablishmentarianism
} supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.
}
} * * *
}
} Good morning.  I hope you have awoken refreshed and with mind cleared
} for wisdom.  Now go, O seeker, and writeth a shell script that will
} make both o ur lives easier.
}
} You owe the Oracle your unused bandwidth and server space.


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org