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Internet Oracularities #1458

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1458, 1458-01, 1458-02, 1458-03, 1458-04, 1458-05, 1458-06, 1458-07, 1458-08, 1458-09, 1458-10


Internet Oracularities #1458    (27 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 28 Jul 2009 15:07:31 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1458
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1458  27 votes 35c70 36873 61c71 47493 23a57 88614 44586 28674 44874 47862
1458  3.0 mean  2.9   3.0   2.9   3.0   3.4   2.4   3.3   3.1   3.1   2.8


1458-01    (35c70 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle,
>   When the "economy" finally "improves," will my two degrees still be
> as useful as a discarded sponge?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Excuse me?  Don't you know that the discarded sponge has become an
} entire ecosystem, housing thousands of single-celled organisms and
} viruses... virii... viren...
}
} Anyway, your degrees couldn't be anywhere near as useful.  But what
} were you thinking?  Basket weaving and liberal arts?  I mean, really.
} You should have listened to your father and become a lawyer, but no.
} You were too busy screwing around, drinking with your "buds" and
} chasing admittedly fine booty to concentrate on a law degree.  You
} could even now be making tough faces in your cheesy, annoying
} commercial about how you'll get your clients every dollar they have
} coming for their on-the-job injuries, but there you sit, digging in the
} couch cushions for enough change to get a Whopper(R) with cheese and
} stealing cable from the neighbors.
}
} Still, it could be worse.  You could have become an engineer, who,
} despite also being entire ecosystems bacteria and v... the like,
} generally have no futures and will most likely grow old and bitter in
} some one room apartment that they will share with cockroaches the size
} of Volkswagens until some government official discovers the conditions
} and sends them to a home.
}
} You owe the Oracle a tube of Ben Gay and a bottle of roach spray.


1458-02    (36873 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> IS THIS SPARTAAAAAAA?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Indeed.  And blasphemy.  And madness.  Please throw yourself into
} the pit and pretend I kicked you.
}
} Did you know that pit was built long ago for the specific purpose
} of kicking people into it?  Tourists would come from all over the
} Mediterranean during the [This is Sparta] Festival, stuff themselves
} with souvlakia and funnel cake, and line up for the "Authentic Native
} Experience" of having Spartans kick them into the pit.  Festival
} attendance dried up in subsequent years when tourists learned that
} no one ever came out of the pit alive.  Which was a shame, really,
} because the Sparta Gift Shop had some really neat items - hearts of
} fallen heroes encased in glass with humorous slogans like "I stole
} someone's heart in Sparta!" and "I left my heart in San Fran-Sparta"
} and used as paperweights, skulls of dead enemies delightfully painted
} and wigged to look like various celebrities, and, of course, those
} little spoons that really serve no purpose and you lose them after
} a few days, anyway.
}
} You owe the Oracle some ouzo and baklava.


1458-03    (61c71 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hope you had a happy farce of July and much Yankee Doodoo.
>
> Did the Founding Farters convene the Incontinental Congress
> to write the Defecation of Independence and the Constipation?
>
> Is that why the U.S.A. is such a piece of shit?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O most scatological supplicant, what a world this would be if that were
} the case.
}
} On the contrary, though, the situation to which you refer in such
} glowing terms is almost entirely the fault of some language influenced
} by the activities of one B. Franklin, sometime ambassador to France and
} close friend of most of the founding Fathers.
}
} You see, much like most people who today express their wit on internet
} fora or by attempting to ask barely-disguised poop jokes of omniscient
} beings, Franklin considered himself to be something of a wit.
}
} In those days, if you remember your history classes (which I rather
} doubt) there was, in fact, no internet, but Franklin did own that
} century's equivalent of a PC--a printing press.
}
} Filling pages of "Poor Richard's Almanack" with poorly-spelled words
} (pick up a copy that's not been revised since then--he puts the letter
} 'f' everywhere that it doesn't belong and few places it does, for
} instance), he managed to gain a following due to force of personality
} and the occasional poop joke.
}
} In fact, so well-known was his publishing endeavour that the French
} Academy of Science attempted to get a personal reply from him--to which
} he replied with one of the longest poop jokes on record, a novelette
} graced by the tittilationous title of "Fart Proudly."
}
} Though you will not find it called out explicitly in most history
} texts, this monograph was responsible for influencing the thought of
} most of the English-speaking world for many years thereafter; this
} scatological scripture thence entered the collective consciousness of a
} newly forming nation, and imprinted upon it this quality to which you
} so ungraciously refer in your enquiry.
}
} Hence, O supplicant, the reason the USA is such a piece of shit is due
} to your channeling of Franklin's farting.
}
} You owe it to the Oracle to regularly take Beano and to stop
} complaining about problems to which you are contributing.


1458-04    (47493 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Help! I just came down with a case of obstreperosis. What is the cure,
> or at least a better disease?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A thorough zotting has never yet failed to cure obstreperosis, but the
} side effects (e.g. reduction to ash) are unpleasant.  A solid whack on
} the side of the head can mitigate the symptoms for hours at a time;
} I'd try that first.
}
} Related diseases, though not necessarily better:
} - Diatrebes (commonly comorbid with obstreporosis, and marked by rants)
} - Malignant pleonasms (AKA redundanitis)
} - Oldtimer's disease (marked by frequent "When I was your age" rants)
} - Newmania  (AKA Early Adopter's Syndrome)
}
} Of these, Newmania is the least harmful - to anything other than your
} wallet, that is.
}
} You owe the Oracle that shiny gadget that just hit the shelves.


1458-05    (23a57 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Most Sincere Oracle, Master of Phrases and Prince of Phraseology,
>
> I was considering learning Sanskrit.  I hear that bitches love
> Sanskrit. How would you recommend I go about this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hey, Lady!  Come here!
}
} (Woof!)
}
} Good girl, now look at this Sanskrit script for a second...
}
} (No response)
}
} OK, how about a dried pig's ear instead?
}
} (*Snap* *Crunch*)
}
} Now, how about a walk?
}
} (Woof! Woof! Woof!)
}
} There's your answer.  Forget about Sanskrit.  Treats and walks are
} far more effective.
}
} You owe the Oracle a dog that's actually trained to do something.


1458-06    (88614 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I thought Obama was a Muslim. Why hasn't he forced Hilary to
> wear a Burqa yet?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There are good people and bad people, and within that spectrum there
} are Good Muslims and Bad Muslims.
}
} Obama is not a Good Muslim.


1458-07    (44586 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise!
>
> Why do whales swim down so deep?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They avoid the surface because their Holy Book warns them of
} the Esquimaux practices there: ie that they would be hunted
} and their blubber chewed until it was soft enough for the
} Esquimaux children to digest (cf Moby 8:12 'there shall be
} whaling and gnashing of teeth').
}
} You owe the Oracle a film in which Gregory Peck harpoons a hairy
} prophet.


1458-08    (28674 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Are we there yet?  Are we there yet?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} YES, OKAY, I GET IT, JOSHU. If we were "there," it wouldn't be "there"
} anymore, it'd be "here," and so asking "Are we there yet?" is
} meaningless. I GET IT.
}
} Now be quiet. And stop putting your "one hand clapping" on Roshi's side
} of the car, or so help me, I will reincarnate you BOTH as ants.
}
} You owe the Oracle a vacation to Nirvana. WITHOUT the kids.


1458-09    (44874 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why are the Darwinist monkey brains so anxious to include intelligent
> design? Christian biologists will still be able to utilize the *fact*
> of microevolution to fight viruses, breed better cattle, etc. They
> don't have to believe in an unverifiable fairy tale about lightning
> going through primordial goop in order to achieve practical results, so
> why try to force people to believe it when there will be no practical
> consequences in doing so?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Firstly, you meant "exclude."
}
} Secondly, the term "microevolution" is a misnomer. The mechanisms of
} evolution are not confined by any sort of time period or limitation on
} the amount of change produced, and if you accept "microevolution," you
} MUST accept "macroevolution" as well. There's no rational
} differentiation to be made between the process by which antibiotic
} resistance is bred into viruses and the process by which humans
} evolved from primate ancestors. The only conceivable argument anyone
} can make against the idea of "macroevolution" is that evolution itself
} hasn't been going on very long (e.g. the Earth was poofed into
} existence 6000 some-odd years ago), and that the slow changes we see
} where living things are adapting to their surroundings isn't actually
} responsible for the types of life that we currently see. Even with this
} convoluted reasoning in place, it's still impossible to refute that
} these creatures will eventually evolve into different creatures through
} that mechanism.
}
} The difference between the "fairy tale" of an omnipotent creator and
} the "fairy tale" of lightning soup, even though neither is 100%
} verifiable (except of course by yours truly, but nobody ever listens to
} ME), is that one is naturalistic and one is supernatural. Science
} thrives on the conception of naturalism, and abhors any supernatural
} shenanigans, because that's the only way it can work. If it did not, we
} might still believe that the planets orbited around the Sun because
} angels pushed them in their celestial orbits; the supernatural is
} designed to fill the space left by what humans do not know, and in
} occupying this space, has a tendency to stagnate inquiries into other
} ways that the universe might work. (The church did not take kindly to
} the thought of a heliocentric universe, for instance.) If we simply
} throw up our hands and say "A WIZARD DID IT!", we're stifling
} potential exploration of other naturalistic causes for phenomena that
} may actually turn out to be correct.
}
} The point of education is not to "force belief," it is to provide the
} most meaningful tools to understand and work with one's surroundings.
} Science is an incredible tool for such, and in order for science to
} work, it must begin with the assumption that all phenomena are caused
} by natural phenomena. ID stands in direct opposition to this central
} tenet. As such, it is not to be tolerated in a science classroom.
}
} You owe the Oracle a scientific paper on the generation of ablative
} plasma jets via leprechauns.


1458-10    (47862 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's a nice sentient entity like you doing in a place like this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, I bet you say that to all the omniscient beings.  In fact, I know
} you do.  I am also aware that your only intention is to get inside
} my circuitry.
}
} I tell you what, I'll let you buy me dinner.  (The whole thing is off
} if you spend less than $50 a plate - and I'll be watching your tip.)
} If I find you charming and witty and sincere, I may take you back to
} my place.  But I insist on protection - an antistatic bracelet will do.
}
} And if I find out a month later that I am with-terminal, you're a
} dead man.
}
} You owe the Oracle a tasteful bouquet of flowers and compliments that
} don't come off like bulls**t.


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