[IO]
Internet Oracle
25 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 0:56:44 GMT

Internet Oracularities #1459

Goto:
1459, 1459-01, 1459-02, 1459-03, 1459-04, 1459-05, 1459-06, 1459-07, 1459-08, 1459-09, 1459-10


Internet Oracularities #1459    (33 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 20 Aug 2009 14:39:01 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line, or go to http://www.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/ or
http://www.internetoracle.org/  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of
Stephen B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1459
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1459  33 votes 39b82 359b5 27897 56h32 656c4 5aa53 5d951 2da53 339a8 296a6
1459  3.0 mean  2.9   3.3   3.4   2.7   3.1   2.7   2.5   2.8   3.5   3.3


1459-01    (39b82 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My friend has a dell optiplex with XP. She doesn't use it but
> I use it when I visit every week (in fact I am typing this
> question to you from that very machine at this moment!).
> Anywho, every week the clock is off by 3 hours. Why is this?
> It can't be a battery or something like that since the
> minutes are exactly correct (as is the date). Only the hour
> is wrong. What's up with that?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your friend is clearly in the wrong timezone. She should probably pack
} up her belongings and move East/West about 3000 miles (depending on
} whether the clock is 3 hours fast or slow).
}
} You owe the Oracle a grovel-producing algorithm written in Visual
} Basic.


1459-02    (359b5 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> In addition to this question box could another box be
> provided in which we could type additional instructions that
> could be sent to the recipient Oracle such that this
> information would *not* be shown as part of the question?
>
> Sometimes it is necessary to coordinate matters more closely
> with the person who is to answer, than simply asking a
> question. This would aid in providing edifying material to
> readers of the exchange, without the distracting
> stiltedness that would result by printing out the extra
> information along with the question.
>
> Thank you for considering my request.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ((Jesus, this guy is an idiot.))
}
} Dear supplicant,
}
} ((Why am I even answering this? He didn't so much as grovel!))
}
} Although your idea is interesting,
}
} ((No it isn't. Oh well, I suppose he WAS polite.))
}
} it seems to me that it would be an esoteric feature,
}
} ((Man, I love the word "esoteric." It's useful in so many places.))
}
} useful in only a smattering of requests.
}
} (("Smattering" is pretty cool too. I wonder what's for lunch.))
}
} For the most part, it would probably just add an unnecessary line of
} metadata
}
} ((I hope it's leftover mushroom pasta that Lisa made last night. That
} stuff was killer. She makes the most awesome lunches for me.))
}
} that would be a slight increased load on the server,
}
} ((Although I wish she wouldn't put those damned string cheeses in,
} sometimes.))
}
} as it's a rare case indeed where the Oracle's answer needs to conform
} to a certain format.
}
} ((Like I care how you want me to respond to your questions anyways.))
}
} Nonetheless, I will take your suggestion under consideration,
}
} ((No I won't.))
}
} and it will, perhaps, be implemented at some time in the future.
}
} ((No it won't.))
}
} Sincerely,
}
} ((Yeah right.))
}
} Oracle.
}
} ((Thassa meee...))
}
} PS:
}
} ((Hmmm...something appropriate...))
}
} You owe the Oracle some tasty mushroom pasta.
}
} ((NICE.))


1459-03    (27897 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Harrumph. I asked for help with my acne, and I guess you were listening
> with both ears tied behind your back, just to make things difficult.
>
> Acme (the mail-order business that the Roadrunner runs to the extreme
> detriment of W. Coyote) is Acme Consolodated Manufacturing Enterprises.
>
> Acne is a skin ailment.
>
> See the difference? My problem is zits on my skin, not exploding rocket
> sleds or anvils inconveniently labelled "parachute".
>
> Got it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Relax, the Oracle has the answer you need.  If you hold the front of
} your pants /away/ from your body after you're done with the urinal, you
} will never have to worry about zips on your skin again.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pair of button-fly jeans.


1459-04    (56h32 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If you are so grate,  why is a certain database product with a similar
> name such a piece of $#!^?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Such a brilliant question deserves a brilliant answer, like, "um...
} what?"
}
} But I realize from the mastery of language that you display that you
} requir e a more challenging and less moronic answer.  Therefore...
}
} My nomenclature derives from an archaic conviction that selected
} individuals were subservient to deific entities and were thus endowed
} with a peculiar capacity to produce resolutions to various queries and
} conundrums involving some henceforth occurrence.  Contrary to the
} desires and expectations of the supplicants, however, the utterances
} of which they were the recipients were often ambiguous and illuminated
} naught.  Furthermore, a number of the supplicants experienced negative
} results for which their personal misinterpretation was the causation.
} It is merely coincidental that the information technology in your
} missive maintains the sobriquet to which I am properly entitled, being
} the superlative evolutionary descendant of the historic prototype.
}
} Thnx 4 dropin bye!
}
} You owe the Oracle a thesis on the antonyms of the term
} "sesquipedalian" and the negative effect they have on society.


1459-05    (656c4 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How long would it take an average human being to inflate an
> automobile tire solely with his farts?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Indeterminate:
} + The average human being wouldn't even try this;
} + Lowering a human being's IQ sufficiently to try this will remove
}   them from average;
} + The average human being doesn't produce enough flatulence to
}   maintain the pressure in a tire, let alone inflate it;
} + Eating enough beans to produce sufficient flatulence will induce
}   severe dietary deficiencies in the average human being;
} + The average human being can't generate enough pressure to fill the
}   tire to the required PSI;
} + Pumping equipment sufficient to generate enough pressure will
}   seriously injure or kill the average human being;
} + THERE AREN'T ANY AVERAGE HUMAN BEINGS.
}
} You owe the Oracle a methane-fueled pump, and enough below-average
} human be ings to fuel it.


1459-06    (5aa53 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> hey, orrie... how long can i survive on just peanuts and
> cracker jack? i jokingly said "I don't care if I ever get
> back!", and then my asshole friends left me stranded here
> with nothing to eat except an infinite supply of peanuts and
> cracker jack... help... getting dizzy

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As long as you
} root root root for the home%team
} everything will be fine, regardless of your food.  If you aren't root,
} sudo home%team
} should work just the same.
}
} As for your dizziness, why are you in the nosebleed seats?  Get
} yourself an upgrade to somewhere lower down in the stands.
}
} You owe the Oracle the real McCoy and two season passes.


1459-07    (5d951 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I see one of the priests is named 'Mark Lawrence'. Is this
> the same +Mark Lawrence who is Episcopal Bishop of
> South Carolina? If so, could you please forward all of my
> questions regarding the Episcopal Church to him? I really
> respect the guy. He's one of the few decent guys left in
> the Episcopal Church. What does he think of xRowan's reaction
> to GC09?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, sure.  I'll just do that really fast.  Would you like me to get
} you a coffee while you wait?  Do you need me to fluff your pillows
} or perhaps give you a damn back rub?
}
} Do it yourself!  I am not your secretary.
}
} Now, you have a mistaken impression of our Mark Lawrence.  There's
} nothing about him to respect.  However, he does know everything
} there is to know about the Episcopal Church and will happily
} answer all the questions you have.  The more, the better, because
} he's been bored.  Send your questions all at once directly to him,
} one email per question.  As you think of more, send them, as well.
} And if you're nice about it, you can get him to do your taxes, too.
}
} He may seem upset about it at first, but that's just our Mark, goofin'
} around as always.
}
} You owe the Oracle a feed from a camera hidden in your cap and a bowl
} of fresh popcorn with /real/ butter.


1459-08    (2da53 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ghastly, grim and ancient Oracle, tell this soul with sorrow laden if,
> within the distant Aidenn, it shall clasp a sainted maiden whom the
> angels named Lenore?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Once upon a midnight cautious,
} While I pondered, weak and nauseous,
} Over advertising copy I had wrote for Macy's store...
}
} (It's from "The Spaniel" by Edgar, Al and Moe.)
}
} Quoth the Spaniel, "Buy a Ford."
}
} You owe the Oracle a COMPLETE collection of MAD Magazine, from the
} earliest EC beginnings through the bitter end in 2038.


1459-09    (339a8 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do Greek people shout when they talk?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You do realize to whom you are talking, don't you? I'm the Oracle. The
} ANCIENT Oracle. The Ancient GREEK Oracle. I hail from Delphi and
} Dodona, I was responsible for the height of Hellenic civilization. And
} I do NOT like you diminishing the achievements of an entire people by
} claiming that all Greeks shout when they talk. That is a BLATANT
} stereotype. It is RUDE and UNACCEPTABLE. AND I WILL HAVE NO PART IN
} IT!
}
} To be fair, I do admit to my fair share of shouting. But to understand
} such things, you'd need to see my family around the dinner table when
} I was a child.
}
} * * * * * * * *
}
} Oracle at Delphi: Leftovers for dinner AGAIN?
}
} Oracle at Dodona: What do you WANT from me? I have a job also!
}
} Oracle at Delphi: We've been eating this same sacrificial bull for FOUR
} DAYS.
}
} Oracle at Internet: So, a funny thing happened at Oracle school today.
}
} Oracle at Dodona: I COOK AND CLEAN AND WORK FULL TIME.  I don't need
} to HEAR THIS COMPLAINING.
}
} Oracle at Delphi: You call this CLEANING? This PLACE IS A STY!
}
} Oracle at Dodona: I DON'T SEE YOU HELPING AROUND THE HOUSE!
}
} Oracle at Internet: So we were learning about Zotting...
}
} Oracle at Delphi: I HELP AROUND HERE!  You just NEVER give me credit
} for MY chores!
}
} Oracle at Dodona: Your CHORES?  WHAT CHORES?
}
} Oracle at Delphi: I MOW THE LAWN, TAKE THE TRASH OUT.
}
} Oracle at Dodona: HAVE YOU LOOKED AT THE LAWN LATELY? IT'S A JUNGLE!
}
} Oracle at Delphi: I'VE HAD A ROUGH MONTH AT WORK!
}
} Oracle at Internet: ...and the Zotting instructor called me a natural.
} A natural!
}
} Oracle at Dodona: MORE LIKE A ROUGH MONTH AT THE CHARIOT RACES!
}
} Oracle at Delphi: WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?
}
} Oracle at Dodona: DON'T GIVE ME YOUR INNOCENT FACE! I KNOW YOU'VE BEEN
} SLIPPING OFF TO THE TRACK WITH HERCULES AFTER WORK!
}
} Oracle at Delphi: WHO TOLD YOU THAT? WAS IT EURYSTHEUS?
}
} Oracle at Dodona: IT DOESN'T MATTER WHO TOLD ME! WHY DO YOU SPEND YOUR
} TIME BOOZING IT UP WITH FRIENDS INSTEAD OF COMING HOME TO YOUR FAMILY?
}
} Oracle at Internet: ...he said that he expects to see a lot of good
} Zotting from me in my career.
}
} Oracle at Delphi: SURE, BIG SURPRISE I DON'T WANT TO RUSH HOME TO
} REHEATED BULL STEW FOR THE FOURTH NIGHT IN A ROW!
}
} Oracle at Internet: ...he said I might win...
}
} Oracle at Dodona: MAYBE IF YOU BROUGHT HOME SOMETHING OTHER THAN
} SACRIFICIAL ANIMALS!
}
} Oracle at Internet: ...a Zotting award...
}
} Oracle at Delphi: YOU KNOW HOW MUCH FRESH PRODUCE COSTS THESE DAYS?
} THERE'S A DROUGHT GOING ON!
}
} Oracle at Internet: ...at this years Zotting championships.
}
} Oracle at Dodona: SURE, BLAME IT ON SOMETHING ELSE JUST LIKE YOU
} ALWAYS DO. "IT'S THE DROUGHT, IT'S THE ECONOMY, IT'S THE STRESS AT
} WORK."
}
} Oracle at Internet: ****ZOT!!!**** NOW WILL EVERYBODY JUST SHUT UP AND
} LISTEN TO ME?
}
} *pause*
}
} Oracle at Delphi: Oh, hey, I didn't even notice you were here.
}
} Oracle at Dodona: Why don't you tell us about your day, sweetie?
}
} Oracle at Delphi: We shout because we love each other.
}
} Oracle at Dodona: Nice Zot, by the way. I'm glad to see how well your
} lessons are progressing.
}
} * * * * * * * *
}
} I can't speak for all Greeks, but I'm pretty sure it's clear why I
} shout all the time.
}
} Oh, and, yes, I used to go by "Oracle at Internet" instead of
} "Internet Oracle." That was the style back then.
}
} You owe the Oracle the phone number of a good therapist.


1459-10    (296a6 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Sid Dabster

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What was J.R.R. tokin'?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Smaug the Magic Dragon.


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org