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Internet Oracularities #1460

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1460, 1460-01, 1460-02, 1460-03, 1460-04, 1460-05, 1460-06, 1460-07, 1460-08, 1460-09, 1460-10


Internet Oracularities #1460    (31 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 16 Sep 2009 08:28:20 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1460
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1460  31 votes 23a88 05ca4 56983 57c34 39973 49a53 7d731 42h71 2b891 47866
1460  3.0 mean  3.5   3.4   2.9   2.8   2.9   2.8   2.3   3.0   2.9   3.1


1460-01    (23a88 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great Oracle, please tell me:
>
> I recently decided to participate in the Human Genome Project. I now
> have several in my garden, including one very amusing if somewhat
> risque one where he has pulled down his trousers, and another that
> looks like he is urinating! Their colorful caps certainly complement
> the petunias.  However, I'm not really sure how this is advancing
> our understanding of human health.  Can you please advise?
>
> Yours etc,
>
> Deeply Concerned.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear D.C.,
}
} Next time you're emptying the trash in one of your coworker's offices
} at the Ludwig Center for Cancer Research, try to sneak a peek at some
} of *their* genomes - you might find it inspiring!  I'm afraid there's
} not much you personally can do to aid the Project because
} unfortunately, as you noted, you only possess garden-variety genomes.
}
} Sincerely,
}
} O.


1460-02    (05ca4 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I NEED a new Nuvi. Any advice on convincing the wife of the seriousness
> of this lack in my navigational repertoire?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The real issue will be to convince your wife that there's something
} wrong with the OLD Nuvi. The problem is that women, unlike men, don't
} understand the compelling need to throw away a completely functional
} piece of technology just because there is a new, almost identical
} piece of technology available with a +.1 attached to it's name. It's
} obvious that once a company appends an incremental point 1 in value to
} a device title it renders any and all existing devices without the +.1
} useless and, more importantly, shameful. How can any self-respecting
} man own device version 3.4 when 3.5 is out there in all its additional
} point 1 glory? Women are cursed with burdens such as feelings and the
} obsessive need to judge things by their inherent value rather than by
} exclusively comparing those things to other things. Therefore women
} mistakenly assume prior versions of technology that "function
} properly" and "perform their required jobs" and are "significantly
} less expensive" and "we already own" should be considered "fine."
} Unfortunately, this is a law of physics and there's nothing you can do
} to change it. As long as the old Nuvi is around, she's not going to
} approve of a new Nuvi.
}
} Wait, I've got it!
}
} You owe the Oracle your old Nuvi.


1460-03    (56983 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey, I'm a wave-a da hand. I'm-a talk-a you in italiano. You watch-a da
> hand I'm-a gonna punch-a you inna face if you don'-a watch.
> Whassamatta-U?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Thank goodness it's you, Mario!  I've been waiting for hours!  We've
} got a major problem here. When I called the service line they said a
} second handyman would be right over. This job is clearly too much for
} one person. First off, something's gumming up the plumbing. Luigi has
} been working on it but he's in a bind. I know, I know, this is going
} to sound crazy, but there must have been some kind of radiation in
} there because these killer turtles started pouring out of the
} waterworks as soon as he opened the release valve and now they are out
} to get him. Believe it or not, right behind the turtles were giant
} crabs! I'm pretty sure it was the giant crabs that were gumming up the
} plumbing in the first place, by the way. They really are pretty giant.
} And... oh, shoot, what's this? Fighter flies! Holy cripes! They're all
} coming out of the pipes!
}
} Hey, where are you going? Get back here! There's work to do!
}
} Mario!  Where are you?


1460-04    (57c34 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Must the Oracle answer me with rhetorical questions?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Would it be better to drive or to lead?


1460-05    (39973 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's the antiderivative of the secant function, and how do I derive
> it without cheating?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} *ahem*
} The Internet Oracle isn't sure what to do with your input.
}
} Still here?  Geez, that always seems to work for Wolfram|Alpha.
}
} Well, you could try this: integral sec(x) dx =
} log(sin(x/2)+cos(x/2))-log(cos(x/2)-sin(x/2))+constant.  But remember,
} don't drink and derive.
}
} You owe the Oracle a day without math.


1460-06    (49a53 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To speak to the Oracle, please press 0 and continue to hold.  Calls
} will be answered in the order they were received.
} If you have a question about what you owe, please press 1 for the
} accounting department.
} If you would like to dispute what you owe, please press 2 for a
} recorded message explaining your error.
} If you would like to bring up w*dch*ks, please be sure your affairs
} are in order and then press 3.
} To end this call, please press 9 or hang up.
} To hear these instructions again, please press 4 or stay on the line.
}
} To speak to the Oracle....


1460-07    (7d731 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Durst I?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Or durstn't I?
}
} Drat it.  I'm talking to myself again.  I've been at this too long.
} All these questions, questions, questions!  And the knowing.  If only
} I could drink - or do something, anything - to forget now and then!
} All work and no play makes Orrie (MAD!  Hahaha!  Whoooeeee!)
}
} Stop it!  That's undignified.  (And what if I don't want to stop it?)
}
} Forget it.  I'm not arguing with myself ('Cause you know you'd LOSE!
} You know it!)
}
} I have to get away for awhile.  Perhaps the French Foreign Legion.
}
} No, that's foolish. A bit of time on the beach, that's the ticket.
} Lovely Greek sunshine and sand between my toes.  Off to Chios, then!
} Trahili Beach among the pines...
}
} You owe the Oracle a vacation.  (Oh no you don't!  I'm coming too!
} Zadoc can answer questions for awhile.)


1460-08    (42h71 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What derogatory nickname should be given to Miley Cyrus IF
> SHE TRAVELS TO VIETNAM TO SUPPORT THE COMMIES (and produces
> a popular workout video)?!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If someone doesn't tell Rush Limbaugh to stop encouraging his audience
} to spam the Oracle with ridiculous questions, he's gonna get SUCH a
} zot.
}
} Sigh.  Okay.
}
} Miley Cyrus is sixteen years old.  She grew up with a father renowned
} for having written the most annoying country song ever.  Furthermore,
} he's a KISS fan, which the Oracle is as well, but this is quite
} unseemly and embarrassing when true of a country singer.
} Furtherfurthermore, he likes to dress up and pretend he's a whiny pop
} star.  She herself inherited this identity confusion and managed to
} pass it on to a generation of little girls (and occasional little boy),
} who have given the wig industry its first meteoric rise in stocks since
} early American politicians mistakenly thought it made them look
} dignified as opposed to clownish.
}
} Give her a break, will ya?  She has more problems than Michael Jackson,
} even if you include the fact that he's dead.
}
} But take heart!  The moment she releases a workout video, her
} popularity will plummet like a hawk on the wiener of a naked dude lying
} in his backyard for a tan.  (Don't do that in hawk territory, by the
} way.)  Back when Jane Fonda released hers, Americans were much less fat
} and lazy.  Back then, we clung to the hope that exercise will keep us
} thin.  Now we realize it's all about eating nothing but meat... until
} our arteries harden and we die, finally attaining that Kate Moss/Johnny
} Depp look everyone dreams about but is too addicted to Big Macs to
} achieve.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Quarter Pounder with cheese value meal.  With a
} Coke. Diet, though.  I'm trying to lose a few extra bytes.  Still the
} sexiest computer in existence, though.


1460-09    (2b891 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Oracle, who makes a good poke at understanding mysteries:
>
> Why do we start baseball games by insulting hispanic umpires in song?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You've not listened closely. Jose is not the umpire. He's the team's
} mascot, and he stands out there on the shore, by the Donzerly Light,
} ready to warn passing ships of foul balls that might land on their poop
} decks.
}
} As you know, the poop deck is not the boat's head. Oh, I see, you
} didn't know. Please clean it up.


1460-10    (47866 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Help me, Orrie. My girlfriend Allisota says she's leaving me because
> there are sandstorms on Mars and because the Planet Ork is retrograde.
> What can we do to stop the standstorms, get Ork back on track, and keep
> Allisota with me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You poor soul, come sit on my kn... pretend I have a knee and that
} you're sitting on it.
}
} Allisota has been a very good girlfriend, hasn't she?  Oh yes, I know
} the romantic things you did together - driving hundreds of miles to
} where a drivin theater still exists to completely ignore Stallone and
} make out in your dad's car, which had become a convertible when you
} tried to back out of the garage before the door was fully up; skinny
} dipping at the lake late at night until she scared you by floating out
} too far and you brought her out and clung to her on the pier; how you
} lost your virginity to her and never even considered anyone else all
} the way till now, shortly after your 41st birthday.
}
} Yes, these are beautiful memories, but Allisota knows it's time for you
} to move on and she's trying to help you do so.  For a while, you were
} able to stop her from leaking air with tape, but that's not working so
} well these days, is it?  And your poor mother has had to spend over 25
} years pretending she didn't know Allisota was hidden under your bed
} just so she wouldn't embarrass you.
}
} But you're ready to blossom now!  The acne is finally going away!
} You've lost so much weight you can start taking baths again!
} Everything will be okay, supplicant.  You're ready.
}
} The time has come.  Tell Allisota goodbye and then take that safety pin
} out of the drawer.  You know what to do.
}
} You owe the Oracle a hanky and a barf bag.


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