[IO]
Internet Oracle
20 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 14:44:07 GMT

Internet Oracularities #1461

Goto:
1461, 1461-01, 1461-02, 1461-03, 1461-04, 1461-05, 1461-06, 1461-07, 1461-08, 1461-09, 1461-10


Internet Oracularities #1461    (36 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 23 Sep 2009 13:59:51 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line, or go to http://www.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/ or
http://www.internetoracle.org/  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of
Stephen B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1461
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1461  36 votes 68e62 19bd2 48b94 157h6 3b7b4 34bb7 6a893 2bc92 17e95 87a83
1461  3.1 mean  2.7   3.2   3.0   3.6   3.1   3.4   2.8   2.9   3.3   2.8


1461-01    (68e62 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Praise for the Oracle; a supplicant who can't live without him, and who
> depends on him for everything, who is unworthy to dare ask him
> anything, and who writes in noun phrases; the meaning of life; the
> desire to his bizarrely constructed question; a speedy answer?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Run, run, run. See Spot run. Run, Spot, run. Run, run, run.
}
} Noun, noun, noun. See Supplicant noun. Noun, Supplicant, noun.
}
} You owe the Oracle a brightly colored adjective.


1461-02    (19bd2 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm marooned here on the Island of Tobasco in the northern South
> Pacific Ocean, It's somewhere between Easter Island, Christmas Island
> and Bank Holiday Island. The natives think I'm from Mars, which is
> strange because they don't have telescopes or a knowledge of astronomy
> or science fiction. Tobasco is too hot for me. Please send some ice if
> you can't transport me home. Or to Mars.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Some people do find Tobasco hot at first, but that's part of its
} appeal.  You'll get used to it.  Mars, not so much - the atmosphere
} leaves something to be desired.  (Be glad I'm not in the
} transportation business.)
}
} If you really can't take the heat, you'll want to go about 20 miles
} southeast to Trynowdad, named for its spotty cell phone coverage.
} From there you should eventually be able to place a call to someone
} who can retrieve you.
}
} You owe the Oracle a couple of bottles of habanero sauce.


1461-03    (48b94 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> who is responsible for this atrocity?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, whoever it was, Obama still has to clean it up.


1461-04    (157h6 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> QUICK!!! I'm about to enter the finals in the International
> Paper/Scissors/Rock competition! What will my opponent's
> sequence of choices be?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 'Limited'.
}
} You owe the Oracle something accurate, but unhelpful. Yesterday's
} weather report, for example.


1461-05    (3b7b4 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh almighty Oracle of Oracle-i-ness, am I a cheater?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I would say not.  At least not physically.  Observe your hands and note
} the ape-like extended digits.  Look in the mirror and examine the shape
} and location of your ears.  Contemplate the way you stand and ambulate.
} There is indeed tiny hairs all over your skin, but you will agree that
} it's a far cry from spotted fur.  Finally, try to take down a
} wildebeest.  And I would like video of that.
}
} So no, I would say that you are not a cheater or any other kind of
} large cat. Again, not physically.  To know if you have some totem of
} the type, or if your soul takes the shape of one, you would need to
} consult a shaman or medicine man.
}
} You're in luck!  Being omniscient, I just happen to also be a
} professional shaman, medicine man and Vodoun priest.  However, it is
} traditional that before you are given access to such knowledge, you go
} on a vision quest.  This involves the use of peyote, which is fun, but
} it's all very tedious and you have to face uncomfortable truths and
} blah, blah, blah.
}
} But now!  Available for the first time in mankind's existence is the
} Internet Oracle's 12 Easy Steps to Know Thyself!  Offered exclusively
} through the Internet Oracle web site, this product lets you:
}
} *Contemplate the Universe on the level of the great philosophers and
}  scientists!
}
} *Know your perfect role in society and how to achieve lasting
}  contentment!
}
} *Give the answers to all of life's difficult questions!
}
} *Be completely rid of acne in less than a month!
}
} * And much, much more!
}
} And how much would you expect to pay for such a fundamental,
} life-altering product?  Your soul?  Your first born?  $1000?  That's
} just too much!  For a limited time, you can get this amazing product
} for only three easy installments of $333.33!  That's right!  In three
} easy payments you will have all the answers you've wanted over the
} years!  Act now and you also get this handy french fry maker!  Just
} hold the potato on the cutting board, slide the Easy-Clean sleeve over
} it, press down and voila!  Instant french fries!  A $14.95 value, yours
} free!
}
} You owe the Oracle - nay, you owe *yourself* the fantastic opportunity
} that awaits your call!  Act now!  Supplies are limited!  (Optional
} Become-a-Buddha and Instant-Christ-Powder sold separately.)


1461-06    (34bb7 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Orrie, Orrie, Orrie! This is slightly crucial, so I need a bit of your
> complete attention. Today is the last chance this week for me to enter
> the monthly lucky drawing for the lottery. I get to pick whatever
> number I want, within certain limits.
>
> Anyway, I thought that since you have a partially utmost knowledge of
> nearly everything, at least somewhat, you could probably help me. I'll
> even give half my winnings to charity. And since I'm going to bet my
> grandmother's house on it, the charity will have to supply a bit more
> than most of the losings if I lose, so she'll still have somehwere to
> live if that happens, so it's a good deal for them and very important,
> more or less, if you could predict the exact number for winning the
> total jackpot, less taxes and a fee for your services (only if I win).
>
> Please don't tell me it's 314159 like you did last time. You said it
> was as easy as pie. More like fruitcake! I played that number and I
> lost. That's part of why I have to win HAVE TO WIN, GOT THAT? this
> time!
>
> I'm putting everything I have and a lot of what I don't have on that
> one number. Don't let me fail.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You're right, the number I gave you before is completely irrational.
}
} Just use 161803 and you'll be golden.
}
} You owe the Oracle some pie.  I like pie.  Strawberry rhubarb.  And
} pecan. And sweet potato.  And some greens an' cornbread.  I wants me
} some vittles.


1461-07    (6a893 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} NOOOOOOOOO.  SPO-O-O-O-O-O-O-OCK.
}
} You owe the Oracle another tre-e-e-e-e-ek.


1461-08    (2bc92 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Are laws really made incongruous?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Usually they start out that way rather than being made so at a later
} time.  However, there are exceptions.  The notorious prohibition
} against carrying ice cream in one's pocket, for example, was created
} to address the problem created by one Wallace Hormuckel of (you
} guessed it) Lexington, Kentucky.  He loved ice cream, but would always
} begin eating his cones at a speed that resulted in an immediate
} headache.  While waiting for the headache to pass, he habitually
} placed the cone in his back pocket - and then forgot about it, often
} sitting down or leaning against walls.  The resulting sticky spots
} became a considerable public nuisance, and the local ant population
} exploded.
}
} Wallace was a law-abiding citizen of advanced years, so rather than
} confronting him directly, the municipal government decided to prohibit
} carrying ice cream in pockets altogether, reasoning that no one else
} would ever be affected.
}
} On his death, the law was - returning to your question - made
} incongruous.
}
} You owe the Oracle a sane 112th Congress.  (Good luck.)


1461-09    (17e95 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> hi Orrie. Mark Anthony here. Really weird stuff has been
> happening. The other day, I was giving a funeral speech for
> my friend Julius Caeser, when all of a sudden an outlandishly
> dressed rude individual leaped to the stage, grabbed my
> speech out of my hands, told me I would be allowed to
> continue later, and started talking about someone named
> 'Beyonce'. At the end of his incoherent rant, he asserted
> that 'Julius Caeser did not care about black people'. I
> assume he was talking about himself since he was indeed of
> Moorish countenance. My question: was this a supernatural
> occurrence? Was this perhaps Zeus, or Apollo in disguise
> playing a jest upon us?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You Romans really have to get a grip on your time-travelling. That was
} Scipio Africanus from nearly two hundred years ago, messing things up
} as usual. You'll remember how he was tried for fiscal mismanagement
} even though he was winning the Punic Wars, which (as you also know)
} sometimes get misspelled, much to the amusement of schoolboys. Most of
} your problem comes from living backwards. You, for example were born in
} 83, but died (or more precisely will die) in 30. A lot of the early
} software for time machines got all that stuff wrong. There was (or will
} be, from your prespective) also the problem of whether of not the year
} zero existed, or will exist. LXXXIII and XXX you can understand. Zero
} remains to be discovered.
}
} You owe the Oracle a big bowl of spaghetti milanese, as soon as Marco
} Polo discovers it.


1461-10    (87a83 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do you have any idea with whom you're dealing?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You got to know when to hold em
} Know when to fold em
} Know when to walk away
} (and) Know when to run
} You never cuss the Oracle
} When you ask without a grovel
} There'll be time enough for zotting
} When the reply is done


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org