} Lemme break it down for you. Most big, strong guys are jerks. Those
} that aren't are already taken. (In my case, with the net.sex.goddess,
} what else would I need?) In fact, almost all of the young ones are
} taken anyway. This is because young women in general really like
} jerks. So if you want to grab one, look for one approaching middle
} age, because most of the women his age have gotten completely sick of
} guys like him.
} There are other solutions, however. For instance, there are plenty of
} evil masterminds out there who have been too busy with their dastardly
} plans to even consider dating. You put your hooks into one of those
} and you're set. Not only can he "take care" of those other guys, but
} he'll be really charming, have fine tastes and be wealthy enough to
} afford them. Of course, you'll have to put up with the odd maniacal
} rant and perhaps the killing of innocents, but a possible bonus will be
} suave, handsome spies and commando-types who will try to stop/kill him
} and fall in love with you along the way. If you find one you like, you
} keep him. Otherwise, you get to play the femme fatale and lead him to
} his doom, for which your husband will be very grateful. And it'd be a
} good idea to keep him grateful, because as soon as he thinks you've
} become a liability, you'll be history.
} Perhaps that's not your speed, however. In that case, the obvious
} answer is to change your name. You can make it something plain (like
} Jane Smith) or something sexy, but startlingly dangerous (like Hillary
} Clinton). Either way, you'll notice a striking difference. Names to
} avoid include: Busty McHotness, anything with the last name Canyon, any
} single name like Cher or Charo, Britney (or alternate spelling
} thereof), Saavik (unless you want to completely OWN a nerd), and
} Svenka. Emma is okay, as long as you follow it with anything except
} But! The Oracle strongly suggests the final solution: become a badass.
} Think Linda Hamilton in "Terminator 2" or Sigourney Weaver in "Aliens"
} or "Alien 3". This will not initially prevent unwanted attention - at
} least until the guys see you whoop some serious ass and word gets
} around. Better yet, follow the example of Rose MacGowan in "Planet
} Terror" and replace one of your legs with an implausibly awesome gun.
} Not only will this solve your problem, but you'll be able to park in
} the handicap spaces.
} You owe the Oracle an implausibly awesome gun.