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Internet Oracularities #1462

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Internet Oracularities #1462    (28 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 20 Oct 2009 14:01:21 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1462
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1462  28 votes 33ba1 28873 18c70 c9511 087a3 1aa52 64b52 48961 448a2 38872
1462  2.9 mean  3.1   3.0   2.9   1.9   3.3   2.9   2.8   2.7   3.1   2.9


1462-01    (33ba1 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why are the Eastern Orthodox always yakking on about
> 'energies'? What scriptural support is there for that? And
> what about their 'theosis' nonsense? Does it fall short of
> Mormon heresy that we will actually *be* gods? It would be
> a shame to have to condemn Athanasius.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I have informed the Orthodox church of your disapproval and threat of
} condemnation and they have realized the error of their ways and begun
} scrambling to make you feel better about what they believe, just as
} they have always done when some jerk at the Vatican makes some snarky
} remark about them.
}
} Ah, religion.  It's so funny.  You're all so convinced you know exactly
} what the gods want when they neither have the inclination to talk to
} you and you all ignore their lore and holy books except where you find
} it convenient.  I am the one deity you have a chance of getting an
} answer from and you don't even properly grovel.  Schmuck.
}
} Look, as a Christian, you should be painfully aware that your god
} thinks you suck.  He's made it plain time and again.  And he never
} stated in your holy book that he thinks you suck any less than anyone
} else.  In fact, as long as you all grovel (and I'm still cheesed off
} that you didn't), he doesn't really care how you do it.  Every Friday
} night, when we deities gather for a game of Parcheesi, he loves to talk
} about some of the creative ways you guys kiss his divine derriere.  We
} all talk about our grovelers.  It's good for a laugh and really winds
} down a tough week.
}
} This is not to say you should all stop condemning each other for not
} smooching holy heinie the "right" way.  Nor should you stop killing
} each other for the same reason.  We actually make bets on that.
}
} By the way, you can't imagine how hard it is for multiple omniscient
} beings to play Parcheesi together.  We have to agree on a winner
} beforehand.  We're a little unfair to Odin, though.  His omniscience
} comes from his ravens, and we sometimes cheat by tossing something
} shiny that distracts them.  Luckily, he has a good sense of humor about
} it.  Though it's hard to tell sometimes with that one eye peering out
} from his broad-brimmed hat.
}
} You owe the Oracle a 300 page grovel written in Sanskrit.  Backwards.
} With 128 bit encryption that you must work out in your head.


1462-02    (28873 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hello! My name is Merciful Joy Plushover, and you can see what my
> problem is, and why I prefer to be called "Emjay" with no last name
> either. It's not that I don't like guys; indeed, I've got three steady
> boyfriends right now. But it's a bit hard trying to keep the other
> three hundred or so at arm's length or further.
>
> What I need is a husband. I want a B-I-G STRONG husband who can knock
> some sense into about 303 guys who need a bit of education. None of
> the current three is big, strong, or confident. They are merely
> convenient, somewhat articulate, and they bathe regular-like, mostly.
>
> If you're not available (which I doubt you are) then where should I
> look to find my appropriate husband?
>
> Thank you for your attention. Or rather your polite lack of attention.
> Lhord nose, I get enough attention already.
>
> Emjay

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lemme break it down for you.  Most big, strong guys are jerks.  Those
} that aren't are already taken.  (In my case, with the net.sex.goddess,
} what else would I need?)  In fact, almost all of the young ones are
} taken anyway.  This is because young women in general really like
} jerks.  So if you want to grab one, look for one approaching middle
} age, because most of the women his age have gotten completely sick of
} guys like him.
}
} There are other solutions, however.  For instance, there are plenty of
} evil masterminds out there who have been too busy with their dastardly
} plans to even consider dating.  You put your hooks into one of those
} and you're set. Not only can he "take care" of those other guys, but
} he'll be really charming, have fine tastes and be wealthy enough to
} afford them.  Of course, you'll have to put up with the odd maniacal
} rant and perhaps the killing of innocents, but a possible bonus will be
} suave, handsome spies and commando-types who will try to stop/kill him
} and fall in love with you along the way.  If you find one you like, you
} keep him.  Otherwise, you get to play the femme fatale and lead him to
} his doom, for which your husband will be very grateful.  And it'd be a
} good idea to keep him grateful, because as soon as he thinks you've
} become a liability, you'll be history.
}
} Perhaps that's not your speed, however.  In that case, the obvious
} answer is to change your name.  You can make it something plain (like
} Jane Smith) or something sexy, but startlingly dangerous (like Hillary
} Clinton).  Either way, you'll notice a striking difference.  Names to
} avoid include: Busty McHotness, anything with the last name Canyon, any
} single name like Cher or Charo, Britney (or alternate spelling
} thereof), Saavik (unless you want to completely OWN a nerd), and
} Svenka.  Emma is okay, as long as you follow it with anything except
} Peel.
}
} But!  The Oracle strongly suggests the final solution: become a badass.
} Think Linda Hamilton in "Terminator 2" or Sigourney Weaver in "Aliens"
} or "Alien 3". This will not initially prevent unwanted attention - at
} least until the guys see you whoop some serious ass and word gets
} around.  Better yet, follow the example of Rose MacGowan in "Planet
} Terror" and replace one of your legs with an implausibly awesome gun.
} Not only will this solve your problem, but you'll be able to park in
} the handicap spaces.
}
} You owe the Oracle an implausibly awesome gun.


1462-03    (18c70 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, you floccinaucinihilipilificator of supplicants,
>
> Endulge this poor ignoramus with the answer to this most pressing of
> questions:
>
> When will my sister leave the bathroom?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O sesquipedalian but not quite worthless supplicant:
}
} She will leave just as you are reaching the point of being physically
} incapable of waiting any longer.  It's an art.
}
} You owe the Oracle an ensuite.


1462-04    (c9511 dist, 1.9 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why must Obama be such a belligerent jerk, politics wise?
> IIRC when Clinton received a backlash from Hilary's health
> care plan, it was dropped. He also never appointed wacko
> czars either. I thought we were in for 4 breezy Clintonesque
> years.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle senses desperation in your question. Indeed the birther's,
} Birchers and Freepers are a desperate lot which is reflected in their
} addled ideology. President Obama is merely extending the Presidential
} traditions of his predecessor, President George W. Bush who declared a
} razor thin majority a mandate. Based on this the current President has
} a mandate to try to live up to the expectations of those who voted for
} him, even in the face of the opposition of those who would never agree
} with him anyway. The total number of his Czar's is less than his
} predecessor and Czar's in American politics dates back to the post
} World War 2 period when the executive office started to enhance it's
} policy making powers.
}
} You owe the Oracle Universal Healthcare with a Public Option.


1462-05    (087a3 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I just invented the glockenspiegel, but when I look at it my nose
> rings. Please advise.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I think you need new bifocals:
} you are DEFINITELY leaning too close to the instrument.


1462-06    (1aa52 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My husband has been trying to improve himself. He does this by adding
> new words to his vocabulary. A lot of them are French. His two
> favourite new ones are suave and chic. But he pronounces them SWAVE and
> CHICK. It makes him sound even stupider than he is.
>
> Is there some way I can correct him? Or is it like trying to get him to
> stop smoking. (I've tried. It doesn't work.)
>
> On the other hand, perhaps he's onto some greater truth of which I'm
> unaware. What might it be?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Humans are vain, silly creatures. This makes their behavior
} predictable and allows them to be manipulated easily by
} appealing to their narcissism.
}
} Simply tell him that you don't want him talking like all those
} sissy, prissy, cowardly Frenchmen who surrendered in World War II
} while drinking with their pinkies extended and eating quiche. Tell
} him you prefer down to earth, honest, straightforward, manly
} simpletons such as himself. He no doubt subconsciously fears that
} his new affectations aren't quite convincing, and is tiring of the
} effort as well. Hence he will be glad of this opportunity to
} slothfully retreat into more natural behavior with his ego intact.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Veni and a Vidi sans Vichy.


1462-07    (64b52 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Like I said, what should I put on my sandwich? I'm making it exactly 2
> minutes.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Make it a lobster roll:
}
} 2 hot dog buns or kaiser rolls, split
} 1/2 tablespoon butter, softened
} 2 lettuce leaves
} 3/4 pound cooked and cubed lobster meat
} 1 tablespoon mayonnaise
} 1/2 teaspoon fresh lime juice
} 1 green onion, chopped
} 1/2 stalk celery, finely chopped
} salt, pepper, and hot pepper sauce to taste
} 1 pinch dried basil, parsley or tarragon
}
} Lightly butter the insides of the buns or rolls and line with lettuce
} leaves. Set aside.
} In a medium bowl, stir together the mayonnaise, lime juice, hot pepper
} sauce, salt and pepper until well blended. Mix in the green onion and
} celery, then lightly mix in the lobster so it just gets coated.
} Stuff the lobster filling into the buns and sprinkle parsley, basil or
} tarragon lightly over the filling.
}
} Makes 2.
}
} You owe the Oracle the other one.


1462-08    (48961 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Wise Oracle, people need a group to be afraid of. From the dawn of
> the world, there has always been a group of "bad'uns" requiring our
> immediate attentions. Wise Oracle, has Iran taken the crown of fear in
> the hearts of the world?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Not yet, but it's edging out genital herpes even as we speak.
}
} You owe the Oracle a vaccine.


1462-09    (448a2 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Puzzle me this, Oracle:
>
> When is a duck like a nuclear reactor?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 1.) A duck under a blanket is very similar to a nuclear
}     reactor about to go critical (hence the phrase
}     "Duck and cover").
}
} 2.) A duck is similar to nuclear reactors when it is used
}     in the preparation of fusion cuisine.
}
} 3.) Obama is equally indifferent as to whether Ahmadinejad
}     acquires either.
}
} 4.) A duck pecking the third rail in a nuclear powered city
}     is indebted to the nuclear reactor for its electric bill.
}
} You owe the Oracle a nuclear reactor that waddles and quacks.


1462-10    (38872 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> lways been popular with the dancers, and which translates into English
> as "Pass The Ducks." It's French, so of course it's silly. But what I
> wanted to ask you was wh

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} bviously that way, or you wouldn't have had to use asparagus to solve
} your problem, eh?  But you just need more of it - and muffins,
} too.  But the REAL important key to fixing it is t


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