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Internet Oracularities #1464

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1464, 1464-01, 1464-02, 1464-03, 1464-04, 1464-05, 1464-06, 1464-07, 1464-08, 1464-09, 1464-10


Internet Oracularities #1464    (33 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 25 Jan 2010 08:31:04 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1464
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1464  33 votes 4aa72 17d93 48a74 56b56 4ag12 36a77 19f71 57d62 38985 124i8
1464  3.1 mean  2.8   3.2   3.0   3.0   2.6   3.3   2.9   2.8   3.1   3.9


1464-01    (4aa72 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle of all that is jolly and strange, whose shoelaces I am unfit
> to speak of (oops) and whose handwriting is twice as legible as mine,
> may your Oracleness never grow dim.
>
> Do you know any good secrets?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If the cook tells you it's a secret, it is NEVER good!


1464-02    (17d93 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey Orrie, you're looking almighty as always, but then you knew that,
> you always do.
>
> So: I've entered my fourth decade of life, I've been supplicating and
> incarnating for over fifteen years now, and I've even been digested a
> few times. It must be my age that I'm feeling a little unfulfilled and
> morose. None of the "classic" mid-life-crisis things seem to have any
> appeal: fast cars, faster younger women, large firearms, new big
> screen TV, new computer, etc. I could go on, and you could go on a lot
> longer.
>
> I'm appealing for creative ideas on how to get over my depressed
> feelings and happily get on with life, other than Yourself of course.
>
> As a token of my esteem of your eccentric self please accept this
> latent desire to yell at kids to keep off the lawn and complain about
> how things were better in the past. I have faith you'll find an
> amusing and productive use for it.
>
> All hail the omniscient, omnipotent Oracle!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Horses. You can start with one, but several more always show up, so
} make sure you are ready for at least half a dozen of them. They are
} really quite nice, and some of them actually love to go places with you
} riding, mostly. A few are skilled at providing astronaut training.
}
} Your life will become filled with books about horses, additional
} saddles and bits, perhaps some harnesses and a cart or carriage or
} three, and an immense amount of knowledge, eventually weighing about as
} much as everything that I, myself, know about horses. Then you'll
} decide to buy even more books about horses.
}
} Meanwhile, you will find that you can make a small fortune with horses,
} if you are careful to have started with a large fortune.
}
} Women, including the young, the fast and the truly reckless, will pay
} attention to you and your horses. Mostly the horses, as you'll begin to
} discover. Some of those women will also include the much too young, the
} much too fast and the much too reckless. Fortunately for you they
} (especially the much too young) will get hurt more by falling off
} horses than by you.
}
} You WILL get hurt. There is no way, short of omniscience, to avoid
} injury from your horses.
}
} You owe the Oracle some steel-toed shoes. No, you got it wrong. Listen
} more carefully. I didn't say steal toad shoes. I said steel-toed shoes.
} Do not dare ask how an omniscient Oracle can get his toes stepped on.


1464-03    (48a74 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My name is Jennifer Plumpbump. This is a huge problem, as I am not
> plump, and am as ugly as sin. Yes, you heard it, a woman saying that
> she, herself, is so ugly that she breaks mirrors by thinking about
> looking at them. Men attracted to my name, which teases them into
> thinking I might be a delightful dalliance, scream in terror and run
> away when they see either my face or my figure. I'm well educated (did
> it myself, stayed at home, read books, never went to school, afraid of
> causing didactic apoplexy), adequately wealthy for my own purposes, and
> excellent at riding my horse, who is much more handsome than I. He is
> blind.
>
> I am considering converting to a strict sect of Islam that requires
> women to be covered from head to toe, so that I can go about but avoid
> showing my face in public. Unfortunately, I am an atheist, so my
> conversion would be a sham. I'd have to change my name, too, for the
> conversion, which would be a good thing, but it would become
> unpronouncable, like Sqhrarjj bit Pbamukh or something. Yecch.
>
> Please create for me an atheistic religion in which I could be happy
> whilst remaining totally hidden, and in which I could get a
> regular-style name. Thank you.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Become a pastafarian.


1464-04    (56b56 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "J. Avedon" <soteric2@msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> TO TELEGRAPH ORACLE
> FUTURE
>
> OH MIGHTY ORACLE STOP I GROVEL BEFORE YOU STOP HAVE INVENTED MEANS OF
> SENDING MESSAGES THROUGH TIME STOP AM NOW TRANSMITTING FROM YEAR 1879
> TO 2009 STOP PLEASE ADVISE ANY FUTURE TECHNOLOGIES I CAN QUOTE INVENT
> UNQUOTE STOP PROMISE TO GLORIFY YOUR NAME STOP WILL TITHE TO YOUR
> PRIESTHOOD STOP
>
> SIGNED T A EDISON MENLO PARK NJ

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Okay, you know that guy they call Geisler QUESTION with his invention
} that puts an arc through either Argon or Mercury, or both QUESTION and
} by that making phosphor coatings within the tube glow QUESTION He has
} no clue about simplicity STOP By the time real inventors figure out how
} to miniaturize that to fit into one inch sockets, my BACKSPACE
} BACKSPACE your estate will be worth Billions STOP Nine Zeros STOP
} Tungsten filaments last longer than carbon STOP Burn this STOP Nitrojen
} in a glass bulb won't react to Carbon filament heated with electrical
} current STOP
}
} Zadoc? Okay, Tom is online again, making ...yes...1879. No, Einstein
} did not fix the timeless telegraph. I had to bribe Heisenberg. No, I
} did not owe him anything. I just couldn't export answers to his
} questions, and what would people think if I demanded tributes without
} answers...
} ...
} It would TOO be a change, Zadoc. Sometimes answers are buried in a lot
} of fictional noise and speculative fiktoids, and they are always in
} there, somewhere, especially if you want to do some orijinal research.
} Is it warmed up?
} ...
} ZOT!
} ...
} Oh, well, I guess Edison can wait another day.


1464-05    (4ag12 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> dear internet oracle, who knows all things and distills wisdom with a
> humorous bent,
>
> a while ago i started posting funnyisms on a semiregular basis.  it was
> regular enough that people have come to expect it now.  there is a lot
> of pressure involved, but i have been in a bit of a slump lately.  what
> can i do to keep the funny flowing?
>
> your pal,
> the great and powerful [supplicant]
>
> ps: yes, i am totally going to repost your answer and take credit for
> it.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Laugh.
}
} No, really.  Pay attention to the world around you.  The silly things
} people and animals do, for example, or the multitude of ironies in the
} news.  When something amuses you even a little, take note and pursue
} that amusement.  Look at it slantwise and upside-down until you find
} an angle that you find really funny - then take that funny, package it
} in your own particular way, and deliver it to your expectant people.
}
} This approach may not end your slump, but it'll make it a lot more
} enjoyable.
}
} You owe the Oracle proper credit, or at least a rewrite.  I'm watching.


1464-06    (36a77 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How come Al Gore gets a Nobel Prize for evangelizing his
> religion (Global Warming, which btw was recently shown to be
> a hoax), but there is no Nobel Prize for Christian
> Evangelism? Ray Comfort is long overdue for recognition in
> that area.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} MWA-Ha-ha-haah! Too late, fool, my plans have already achieved their
} aim!
}
} Yes, it was me who for decades distorted the data, manipulated the
} models, bribed the scientists and corrupted the politicians, while all
} the time nobody had an inkling as to my true purpose. And then, earlier
} this year, my Machiavellian plotting finally bore fruit, and the
} university paid for my trip to COP15.
}
} Well, c'mon, fair's fair - I'd never been to Copenhagen
} before. People are always saying nice things about the place, what with
} the Little Mermaid statue and the Tivoli Gardens and the Danes being
} very polite and speaking very good English and all. Okay, some of the
} presentations were a bit dull, but when that happened I just went out
} and amused myself by watching the police baton-charging the protesters.
} And the dinners were really excellent so, all in all, I had a great
} time.
}
} So now it's all over and the truth can be told. Yes, there is no
} global warming, industrial effluents are good for your health and polar
} bears prefer swimming anyway. The whole scam was orchestrated by yours
} truly so I could go on a jolly to Denmark. Of course you, Jeremy
} Clarkson, Sarah Palin, the Daily Mail and Viscount Moron - sorry,
} Monckton - you saw through my little scheme from the start.
} Congratulations.
}
} As to your main point, this would be the same Ray Comfort whose
} writings have been described as "a hopeless mess of long-ago-refuted
} creationist arguments, teeming with misinformation about the science of
} evolution, populated by legions of strawmen, and exhibiting what can be
} charitably described as muddled thinking", would it? As it happens, old
} Alfred Nobel did seek my advice on what his prizes should be for, and
} besides chemistry, medicine, peace, etc, I suggested there should be
} one for fruitloopery. To lighten the proceedings up a bit, see? But the
} Swedish Academy turned it down because they said it would lower the
} tone of the awards ceremony, and maybe they had a point. To be fair, I
} don't think your chum Ray would have been a front runner for the
} fruitloopery prize in any case, what with all the stiff competition out
} there. Viscount Moron - sorry, Monckton - for one.
}
} So, I take it you're an evolution denier as well as a climate change
} denier, eh? Do you by any chance also happen to think the Apollo moon
} landings were faked? Because you get a prize if you disbelieve all
} three, you know. Not a Nobel - it's one of those Brain Gym games.
}
} You owe the Oracle an open mind. It doesn't have to be yours.


1464-07    (19f71 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I know that you are exceptionally brilliant, which means you probably
> have no use for idiots. But you probably have little use for
> know-it-alls either.
>
> Which are worse, idiots like my brother, or know-it-alls like my dad?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Know-alls (those who profess themselves to be wise) are worse than
} either. Know-it-alls, who memorize all trivia concerning the hairy
} member of the Adams family, are actually a subset of idiots. Naturally
} someone who only knows 'all' about an 'it' couldn't know much about
} pirate pets and multiplication now, could he?
}
} Yes, so leave your father to his TV trivia hobbies and be on the look
} out for know-alls, who, professing themselves wise, became fools, and
} exchanged the glory of the incorruptible Oracle into an image made like
} unto corruptible supplicants.
}
} You owe the Oracle some four footed beets and creaking things.


1464-08    (57d62 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> hi Orrie, Tiger Woods, Mark Sandford and Eliot Spitzer here.
> Why can't society be more accepting of who we are? Don't these bigots
> know that science is very close to finding a 'lechery' gene and that
> many animals exhibit lecherous
> behavior? So it's perfectly natural, right?
> Do you think we'll be successful in our bid to define
> consorting with prostitutes as 'secret marriages' so we can
> get tax breaks for these ... erm ... expenses?
> Please salve our consciences by giving us social acceptance!
> Thanks

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Uh huh.  Come to the Oracle for answers, eh?  The Oracle knows all and
} is willing to impart his wisdom to you.
}
} But that's not enough for you.  What do you do?  You send me your
} question and sent the same question to Dr. Phil behind my back.  Yeah,
} you thought you could get away with it, didn't you?  "What Orrie won't
} know won't hurt him." But, you ungrateful dogs, what does the Oracle
} not know?
}
} Well, talk to the peripheral!  /This/ oracle's gonna kick all three of
} you TO... THE... CURB!
}
} You owe the Oracle a grovelling apology, before you get Bobbitted.


1464-09    (38985 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, well. Merry Christmas. Just remember, you're not really
> the Oracle, you WILL die and you WILL face judgment for all
> that you've done (and left undone) before the "Reason for the
> Season". Just a friendly little reminder. Have a good one.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Wow, Christmas at your house must be a barrel of laughs. Shouldn't
} you be out picketing a Harry Potter movie or something?
}
} Listen, sunbeam, you have no more proof I'm not who I say I am than
} you have for this "Reason for the Season" deity you so touchingly cling
} to. In fact, if you studied the matter objectively, you'd have to
} admit there is more evidence for my existence than there is for
} God's. Do you have His email address?
}
} Developing this theme, shouldn't you be worshipping me rather than
} Jesus? I can't prove to you I'll live forever, but at least
} I'm here now while we haven't had a peep out of Jesus since he
} slipped off to Heaven. After that, not even a postcard to the
} disciples! And I'm definitely more loving and merciful than God.
} Yes, I ZOT the occasional ratbag supplicant who spews out yet another
} variant on the wretched woodchuck question, but what about that death
} of the firstborn business? Over-reaction or what?
}
} Or do you derive some kind of perverse satisfaction out of the
} illogicality of your faith? So according to you God is somehow more
} worth believing in precisely because there is less proof of His
} existence than there is of mine? If so, it's time you converted to
} Pastafarianism.
}
} Anyway, I'd love to continue this lively discussion, but Lisa's
} given me a list of the things I've left undone about the shrine
} since the summer. And if I don't get them all done by New Year's
} Day, I really WILL face judgement.
}
} You owe the Oracle a good one. On second thoughts, make it two.


1464-10    (124i8 dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Spectabular Oracle, you inspire me to write false praise!
>
> Why do my sox get lost only one at a time? It's very frustrating.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Here are ten possible answers to your question:
}
} 1) One sock is sent out first to do recognisance.
}
} 2) Fifty percent of the time you do lose two socks at once, but when
} that happens you don't notice because instead of having one remaining
} sock, you simply have empty space.
}
} 3) Socks are most typically lost due to bad sock breakups, when one
} sock is kicked out of the apartment.
}
} 4) Socks are cannibals, and the first sock has eaten the second sock.
}
} 5) Sharks.
}
} 6) The law of conservation of wool states that socks are a closed
} system. Actually, this explains nothing. I'll throw in an 11th reason
} to make up for it.
}
} 7) Your right foot is significantly smellier than your left foot, so
} your right socks are running away.
}
} 8) Variation to number 7 is that your right foot has an exotic South
} American fungal infection that causes socks to slowly disintigrate.
}
} 9) Your significant other is playing tricks on you.
}
} 10) Your laundry machine is playing tricks on you.
}
} 11) Your right foot is playing tricks on you.
}
} P.S. At first I thought I might zot you for your faux grovel, but then
} I realized inspiring false praise is the highest form of praise I can
} ask for.  Keep up the good work.


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