} Ahh, my pimply faced friend, it is clear that you seek secrets that are
} beyond your ken. So far beyond your ken, in fact, that we are almost
} in barbie territory. But fear not: I, the Oracle, am here to help!
} It is a deep, dark secret that the systems upon which your society
} depends do not, in fact, work on electricity, silicon, or copper
} heatsinks. Nay, indeed, verily, they operate on black magic. All of
} this mumbo-jumbo about silicon chips merely serves to conceal the
} truth. Remember SCSI? It was widely recognised amongst practitioners
} of the art that no SCSI configuration would work without the sacrifice
} of a goat, amidst a pentagram drawn with chalk, BLACK candles at
} the apexes. Indeed, many were those who died simply because they
} could not find black candles, and instead substituted red, green,
} or even - horror of horrors - yellow candles.
} These improvements in speed that have been touted for so many years are
} the result of long and careful research into improving the efficiency
} of your typical summoning spell. Where, once, a goat would serve to
} maintain and manage one system for a week, it now will either maintain
} a thousand systems for ten years, or a hundred, far faster, systems
} for three months. Furthermore, ways have been found to automate
} the sacrifices on a small scale. Have you ever felt like your soul
} was being drained, every time you sat down to use Windows? Now you
} know why.
} So the simple fact of the matter is that the head of your monastery is,
} in fact, a secret member of the highly secret, almost unknown, Scary
} Devil Monastery, and is practicing the ancient craft of Sysadminery.
} Be careful. Those who have crossed such people have been known to
} disappear, never to be heard of again. However, there are ways to
} stay on their good side. Good quality alcohol is a good start.
} Entertainment, such as the finest of British comedies, will also
} work, provided that you choose something that is not already in his
} collection - and beware, for the collections of such individuals
} tends to be vast and varied. Do not pry further into his affairs,
} no matter how much alcohol or entertainment you have plied him with.
} Above all else, never, ever, *EVER* ask him to repair your computers.
} Give him these gifts, and you will find yourself rewarded ... or at
} least, not punished, which believe me, amounts to the same thing.
} You owe the Oracle an entry on the TOP500 list, and a recent model