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Internet Oracularities #1465

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Internet Oracularities #1465    (29 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 03 Mar 2010 10:36:43 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1465
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1465  29 votes 26c72 046b8 49772 17975 25796 29c42 69365 15788 4g711 1ab61
1465  3.1 mean  3.0   3.8   2.8   3.3   3.4   2.8   2.8   3.6   2.3   2.9


1465-01    (26c72 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ...why my hand are always so cold?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ...because when they call it handmade ice cream, they don't actually
} mean.. never mind.


1465-02    (046b8 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When the cat meows at me to do something (open a door, serve
> dinner, etc.) is it thinking "I'm communicating with another
> living being" or is it thinking "This is a machine that I
> can activate by meowing at it"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The cat's slave is thinking too much.
}
} Feed your cat.


1465-03    (49772 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Orrie's great, Orrie's good. Let us blame him for our F.U.D.
>
> Dude, ah! Should I bet my money on the bob tail mare or on the Bay?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This'll be harness racing. A bobbed tail indicates the horse actually
} has experience in harness work, because someone wanted to be sure the
} animal was not going to wrap her tail around the reins and grab control
} away from the driver.
}
} The request that somebody bet on the bay expresses a hope that the odds
} on the mare will be lengthened by bets on other horses, resulting in a
} better payout when bobtail (who is probably already the favorite) wins.
}
} Bay color generally means a horse is brown with black points.
}
} The bay probably already has long odds, and wouldn't it be a riot if
} nobody at all (not even his owner or driver) had bet on him, and he
} accidentally won!
}
} You owe the Oracle a bob-tail bay, 2:40 for his speed. We'll hitch him
} to an open sleigh, and crack! we'll take the lead. That 2:40 means a
} mile in two minutes and forty seconds, or 22.5 mph. He's a
} Standardbred, and that's his trotting speed. Modern Standardbreds can
} do better than a two-minute mile.
}
} Ask an Omniscient Oracle, get an Omniscient Answer. ... "Mommy, tell me
} about elephants." "Dear, why don't you go ask your father?" "Mommy, I
} don't want to know THAT MUCH about elephants!"


1465-04    (17975 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> hi Orrie. I saw the head of our monastery prancing around
> a pentagram while waving a wand around and sacrificing a
> goat, so I asked him "Which craft are you practicing?"
> and he answered "Yes. Please don't tell the others."
> "Don't tell the others what you are practicing?"
> "Not what. Which."
> "Which what?"
> "No, which craft."
> etc., etc.
>
> I don't seem to be getting anywhere. What can I do to force
> a confession of the truth out of him?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ahh, my pimply faced friend, it is clear that you seek secrets that are
} beyond your ken.  So far beyond your ken, in fact, that we are almost
} in barbie territory.  But fear not: I, the Oracle, am here to help!
}
} It is a deep, dark secret that the systems upon which your society
} depends do not, in fact, work on electricity, silicon, or copper
} heatsinks.  Nay, indeed, verily, they operate on black magic.  All of
} this mumbo-jumbo about silicon chips merely serves to conceal the
} truth.  Remember SCSI?  It was widely recognised amongst practitioners
} of the art that no SCSI configuration would work without the sacrifice
} of a goat, amidst a pentagram drawn with chalk, BLACK candles at
} the apexes.  Indeed, many were those who died simply because they
} could not find black candles, and instead substituted red, green,
} or even - horror of horrors - yellow candles.
}
} These improvements in speed that have been touted for so many years are
} the result of long and careful research into improving the efficiency
} of your typical summoning spell.  Where, once, a goat would serve to
} maintain and manage one system for a week, it now will either maintain
} a thousand systems for ten years, or a hundred, far faster, systems
} for three months.  Furthermore, ways have been found to automate
} the sacrifices on a small scale.  Have you ever felt like your soul
} was being drained, every time you sat down to use Windows? Now you
} know why.
}
} So the simple fact of the matter is that the head of your monastery is,
} in fact, a secret member of the highly secret, almost unknown, Scary
} Devil Monastery, and is practicing the ancient craft of Sysadminery.
} Be careful.  Those who have crossed such people have been known to
} disappear, never to be heard of again.  However, there are ways to
} stay on their good side.  Good quality alcohol is a good start.
} Entertainment, such as the finest of British comedies, will also
} work, provided that you choose something that is not already in his
} collection - and beware, for the collections of such individuals
} tends to be vast and varied.  Do not pry further into his affairs,
} no matter how much alcohol or entertainment you have plied him with.
} Above all else, never, ever, *EVER* ask him to repair your computers.
} Give him these gifts, and you will find yourself rewarded ... or at
} least, not punished, which believe me, amounts to the same thing.
}
} You owe the Oracle an entry on the TOP500 list, and a recent model
} Cray.


1465-05    (25796 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I want to try swinging. The wife says she's into it. I'm worry about
> icky people have diseases and stuff.  Are you available?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, get your own wife to push you. And it's a false rumor that you
} can get diseases just by sitting on a swing seat. You can only
} catch them if you pick your nose after touching the seat.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bottle of Dramamine.


1465-06    (29c42 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I know that eventually this world will pass away and that all
> the supplicants will go to be with you forever and ever,
> singing praises to you and worshiping you and basking in your
> glory. But will we ever get any time alone? I like solitude
> sometimes. It's nothing against you. Wouldn't it get tiresome
> (from your point of view as well) otherwise? Or does this
> reveal a hidden rebellious part of me, a sinful desire to be
> autonomous, to be the Oracle myself, even though I must
> forever be a supplicant? If that I need to repent. Please
> give me spiritual guidance in working out this issue. Thanks.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Time alone? There are plenty of opportunities for time alone.
} Here are some exciting alone time activities at the Oracular
} Temple and Palace (OTP).
}
} PIG in a Poke
}   The Pipeline Inspection Gizmo (PIG) is a one-seat craft used to
}   send a worker to inspect, clean, and repair the major pipelines
}   of OTP. Junior PIG Pilots are assigned cleaning jobs, senior
}   PIG Pilots get inspection jobs, and advanced PIG Pilots do the
}   repairs. There are three sets of pipelines serving the OTP and
}   over the course of a career you can spend thousands of quality
}   hours alone learning every inch of each. Rumors that the only
}   thing you get to do is clean the sewers are totally baseless.
}
} Duct and Cover
}   The numerous ventilation shafts ("ducts" to laypersons) are
}   no safe haven for intruders at OTP. These flimsy sheetmetal
}   shafts are just barely strong enough to hold one person per
}   segment, and well covered with Detect, Examine and Annihilate
}   Devices (DEADs). Responsibilities include deployment, repair,
}   and inspection of DEADs, cleaning and repair of shafts, and
}   extraction of bodies. After the first year there are very few
}   casualties from inattentive handling of the DEADs.
}
} Aviator
}   These workers are vital to the upkeep of the Oracular Pigeon
}   Network (OPN). Each aviator is assigned a remote aviary to
}   tend for a deployments lasting up to six months. At the start
}   of the shift the aviator will shephard thousands of birds from
}   the OTP to the remote aviary. Once there the aviator will
}   exercise the birds in an indoor arena, regularly dispatch OTP
}   pigeons to return home with updates, process updates sent to
}   the remote station on pigeons from there, feed the birds and
}   clean the roost. At the end of the deployment, the aviator
}   will shephard remote pigeons from the aviary back to the OTP.
}   An excellent job for animal lovers with all their bird flu
}   immunizatons.
}
} Adoorable
}   This job is not entirely solitary, but has long periods of
}   alone time. When not alone this job brings you close to the
}   most important people in OTP. These workers line the Corridors
}   of Power where the Oracle and those close to him frequent. Job
}   duties include unlocking, opening, closing, and unlocking doors
}   when a Person of Import wants to enter or exit the hall. There
}   are long periods of alone time to contemplate the majesty of
}   the Oracle while waiting for someone to come along. Stunning
}   physique a plus.
}
} Bathing Beauty
}   Like Adoorable, this is a job only partially solitary. Here,
}   however, physical beauty is not just a plus but a must. These
}   workers are just outside the Corridors of Power tirelessly
}   assisting Persons of Import when they use any of the bathroom
}   facilities. Duties include operating faucets; testing water
}   temperature; providing soaps, shampoos, and lotions; and towel
}   drying. A typical day will involve about two hours presence
}   amont Persons of Import, the rest of the time you are free to
}   enjoy your solitude.
}
} Outlier
}   This is a position that offers very long periods of solitude
}   mixed with occasional intense periods of hustle and bustle. As
}   you are aware, the Oracle's business sometimes requires him to
}   travel to remote locations for negotiations with other dieties.
}   Outliers are the Oracle's pets-a-terre, fawning supplicants who
}   reside at the usual remote locations to be on-hand to provide
}   all the usual services when the Oracle comes to town.
}
} Besides those fun-filled jobs there are many more menial, um,
} meaningful positions that have solitary tasks. A typical day for
} an Enlightener involves about two hours alone at the top of a ladder
} changing bulbs; Highlighters also spend hours at the tops of ladders
} replacing and lighting candles; Titleholders ferry deeds, pinkslips,
} and other documents of ownership from shell company to shell company
} to avoid tax liabilties, often spending hours in alone in traffic;
} the Smokejumpers at the OTP can spend up to a third of their days
} inside the chimneys displacing soot, while the Stairmasters spend a
} similar amount of time alone testing staircases for noisy steps.
} Lastly let me mention the Placeholders who are dispatched anywhere
} Person of Import may have to wait in a queue. While at first this
} may not sound like a solitary job, Placeholders need to arrive long
} before anyone else to ensure no wait for the Person of Import.
}
} You owe the Oracle your services as a Supercollider, Rangefinder,
} or Chocolatier before selecting a permanent position.


1465-07    (69365 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Can I really express *UNCONCERN OVER AN OUTCOME* if I
> *THROW LARRY WILCOX AND ERIC ESTRADA OFF OF A BUILDING* ?!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sometimes you have to let the CHiPs fall where they may.


1465-08    (15788 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is simpler always better?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No.
}
} But it sure worked this time.


1465-09    (4g711 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Orrie wants me for a sunbeam,
> To shine for Him each day;
> In every way try to please Him,
> At home, at school, at play.
>
> A sunbeam, a sunbeam,
> Orrie wants me for a sunbeam!
> A sunbeam, a sunbeam,
> I'll be a sunbeam for Him.
>
> I will ask Orrie to help me,
> To keep my heart from sin;
> Ever reflecting His goodness,
> And always shine for Him.
>
> A sunbeam, a sunbeam,
> Orrie wants me for a sunbeam!
> A sunbeam, a sunbeam,
> I'll be a sunbeam for Him.
>
> Did Kevin Smith purposefully arrange for himself to get
> thrown off the airplane for publicity, or did it happen for
> real? I've never heard of this happening to Michael Moore,
> and it seems absurd to think that Smith's ass could possibly be fatter
> than Moore's.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Look, I've about had it with supplicants who ask questions to which
} they already know the answers. Isn't there some way you can clean out
} your mind, like Harpo did, threading the towel in one ear and out the
} other, before you ask another question?
}
} You owe the Oracle a good reason why Vaseline does not rhyme with
} baseline. Or perhaps why it does.


1465-10    (1ab61 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mostly I'm an idiot, but that does not stop me from supplicating at you
> and trying to grovel asbestos I can. You of course are smarter than
> even the stupidest idiots. What a skull is on your cranium!
>
> I proposed marriage and she said no. Is she stupid, too?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Looks like she's a lot smarter than you. What you proposed is Marage -
} the sharing of female horses.
}
} Since you own two broken-down old nags and she runs a world renowned
} stud farm - is it any wonder she said no?
}
} You owe the Oracle a Personal Foal.


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