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Internet Oracularities #1466

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1466, 1466-01, 1466-02, 1466-03, 1466-04, 1466-05, 1466-06, 1466-07, 1466-08, 1466-09, 1466-10


Internet Oracularities #1466    (25 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 11 Apr 2010 16:46:22 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1466
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1466  25 votes 42a45 07792 04885 36835 2b741 76453 47752 23f50 57931 29563
1466  2.9 mean  3.2   3.2   3.6   3.0   2.6   2.6   2.8   2.9   2.5   3.0


1466-01    (42a45 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Welcome, new incarnation!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I know, I know. Short pithy pun (or pissy puns) work well. Or shaggy
} dog stories involving the staple characters. Lists, particularly
} numbered or compare and contrast style, do well. And speaking of
} well, I know well placed zots are always popular. At least to send,
} if not to receive. I understand the rules of the form, question
} (better with a grovel, better still with an elaborate grovel) and
} answer (better with a payment request, better still with a
} relevant payment request). I know the characters good (Lisa),
} middling (priests and supplicants), bad (Zadoc), and repungent (no
} need to name). I know ways to deal with impossible to answer
} questions, including the dreaded null. I know to reply in plain
} text, lines at a reasonably length, and no part of the original
} message (or a .sig) included in my response.
}
} I'm ready.
}
} You owe the Oracle a question.


1466-02    (07792 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most pithy,
>
> I sometimes find journalistic units confusing.
>
> Tell me, how many African Elephants does it take to fill one Olympic
> Sized Swimming Pool?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's see.
} Length of an African elephant: 7 meters
} Width of an African elephant: 2.2 meters
} Height of an African elephant: 4 meters
} Volume (adjusted for empty space): 30.8 cubic meters
} Volume of an Olympic-sized pool: 2500 cubic meters
} Number of elephants: 81.16
} Oh. You probably should bring a chainsaw or something.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pool full of elephants.


1466-03    (04885 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When Julius Ceaser fought the Gharlic Wars who one?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is a long and complicated topic.  The Gharlic Wars were waged
} against many tribes, for example the Parmesans and the Croutons (their
} staple was a dry, toasted bread, thus their lending their name to the
} food).  The Gharlics were numerous small, but powerful.  They were
} known for a single unit (called a "clove") overwhelming everything in
} their path.
}
} But Cesar, oh, Cesar!  Did he have an idea.  He surrounded the
} Gharlics with Roman legions (called Romaines) and mixed them all up
} with the Parmesans and the Croutons.  Of course, Cesar depending on
} his most ablest commander, Maximus Anchiovus, to bind it all together.
}
} In honor of the victory, of course, Cesar had his chef make a salad to
} commemorate this victory.
}
} That's chef name was Waldorf, and that's how we got the Waldorf Salad.
}
} You owe the Oracle a nice green salad with Hidden Valley Ranch
} dressing.


1466-04    (36835 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise one! Bayete! Great Oracle! Umfundisi! He before whom the elephant
> bows, for your wisdom surpasses the pachyderm!
>
> *grovels, face in the dust*
>
> Djmrk prwuffly dj...
>
> *spits out dust*
>
> Ahem. Sorry. OK - question time. Who, oh great Oracle, should I go to
> for a job?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That is a good question.  First, supplicant, what is your
} qualifications?
}
} Yes, that is impressive--5 times in one day!  But I suggest you not
} bring that up in interviews, or in public.
}
} I see, that is interesting that you used to wrestle grizzly bears.
} I'll put that down as "wildlife handling experience".
}
} Any computer skills?  Hmmm, yes, well most men use their computer for
} that, but again, don't bring that up in the interview unless you are
} interviewing for, say, Larry Flynt Publishing.  I'll just say
} "multimedia".
}
} Have you ever been convicted in a court of law?  No... all
} acquittals... after mysterious disappearances of jurors... We'll tick
} that "No".
}
} Formal education?  Grade 5.  So no post-secondary?  I see... the carnie
} school didn't go past grade 5, ah yes, the bear baiting from above.
} First time I've heard of a human being involved.
}
} Any useful skills?  Yes, that is clever that you can balance a roll of
} pennies on your nose, flip it up, swallow it down hole and regurgitate
} 50 cents.  Probably good as a children's entertainer...
}
} Feeding this into the Oracle's Patent-Pending Job Finder, the best job
} for you is...
}
} Cleaning up the dust in front of the Oracle's alter... with your mouth.
}
} You owe the Oracle 30 years of indentured servitude.  Now get cleaning
} before the next supplicant comes!


1466-05    (2b741 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and autological Oracular Reader of Internet Comments And
> Letters, I, not worthy to grovel at your infinitively splendid and
> indefinitely perfec t toes, not worthy to turn to dust in the glorious
> and splendid shower of lov eliness and virtues wonder from the heavens
> that is your perfect omniscient g aze, not worthy to serve a horrendous
> inferno of torture, plague and infinite  pain without he faintest,
> meekest whisper of an echo of hope in your gloriou s eternal service,
> but yet worthy to live a eternity of laughter and pure vib rant,
> infinite joy and happiness in the love and care of anything but you, wo
> uld beg with all of the filthy dirt of a heart your despicably,
> grossly, disg ustingly, horrendously undeserved by a man of
> twice-thrice-twenty times less the absolute insignificance of an ant
> that such an awfull insect such I posse ses, the wonderous infinit
> vastness of the tinyest wisp of the tip of a husk of mercy that i
> assertainely don't deserve in the most disgusting!  , vile awful
> horribleness of the most twisted notion of the craziest, surrea list,
> most dead to reality corner of the most disturbed, disrupted, twisted,
> undeniably unsavory demon's demon's mind.
>
> The chord progression in the 'Batman' theme and in 'Gimme
> one reason to stay' by Tracy Chapman is a ripoff of
> Wipeout. Did the Wipeout guys sue these plagiarous asshole
> scum for ripping off their chord progression?
>
> Oh, and this is totally not someone else's question with a large grovel
> add ed by me on the top.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My most humble servant, who is not pure enough to clean my holy
} toilets, who however believes himself high enough to ask me a foolish
} question, without any regards for intellectual property law as applied
} to grovels, according to paragraph 56 section 12 subsection 89 of the
} Codex XIX in the third edition of the First Manual to the Holy
} Grovelings. Even though only your breathing is a profane insult to all
} creation and should be smited directly to the lowest circles of Hell,
} the magnificient Oracle will provide an answer to your most curious
} question.
}
} The egg came before the chicken.
}
} This answer was totally not ripped off from another question, using a
} ripped idea off another suplicant.
}
} You don't owe the Oracle, he has alraedy taken what is his.


1466-06    (76453 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> L'oracle, ainsi gai et formidable,
> Quoi fait un bruit comme l'hippopotame enceintes? Au secours,
> rapidement, sil vous plait!
> Merci.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant,
}
} We regret to inform you that semantic analysis of your question shows a
} distinct lack of approved forms of groveling.  Due to the nature of
} your question, it has been decided that the appropriate punishment /
} learning exercise for you is to be placed within an enclosure that
} currently houses a hippopotamus (specifically, my pet hippo,
} Hippocrates.)  Should you, with this motivation to assist, quickly
} develop the requisite skills at groveling, it will be evident, by the
} lack of goring, trampling, and suffering noises that shall come from
} within, and you shall be set at your liberty.
}
} Should this not be the case, you shall be dealt with by Hippocrates as
} befits one who seeks such information without the requisite grovel; a
} hippocrite.
}
} //attach form-letter:Hippocrates-meal-questionnaire
} //attach form-letter:we're-oh-so-sorry-the-supplicant-didn't-survive
}
} cc:    Oracular Hippo-pen maintenance staff
} cc:    "Blood Stains Out Now!" cleaning service
}
} You owe the oracle a merry batch of 'freedom fries.'  And a formidable
} side of gravy.


1466-07    (47752 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the difference between an writing desk and an omlet?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I was able to pass the omelet.
}
} You owe the Oracle some antacid.


1466-08    (23f50 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I know that 'if thy right hand offend thee cut it off and
> cast it from you... if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it
> out and cast it from you ...', but what if someone's sin is
> snorting cocaine? Should they ... you know ...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The scripture is silent on cocaine, but personally I believe that it is
} the Lord's way of telling you that you have too much money.


1466-09    (57931 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Can someone's face give away their party?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What an interesting question.  I, of course, already know the answer,
} but you'll appreciate it more if you see for yourself rather than
} having me tell you.
}
} So, I've chosen to analyze the face of Mrs. Mildred T. Bagger of
} Lawndale, Georgia.  Watch closely.
}
} BAGGER:  I'm Mrs. _Harold_ T. Bagger, but you may call me Mildred.
}
} ORACLE:  I see.  And how are you today?
}
} BAGGER:  Well, I hain't been feelin' rightly ever since . . .
}
} ORACLE:  Excuse me for interrupting, but I wanted to remind you
}           not to say anything that might give away your party.
}
} BAGGER (frowning):  Then let's just say I've seen better days.
}
} ORACLE:  So, let's look at your face.  You have beautiful blue
}           eyes, Mrs. Bagger --
}
} BAGGER:  Please, Mildred.
}
} ORACLE:  Mildred.  Did you know Ronald Reagan also had blue
}           eyes?
}
} BAGGER (beaming):  Really?
}
} ORACLE:  Till the day he died.  I also see you have a stern jaw
}           like Dick Cheney.
}
} BAGGER:  You don't think it's too unfeminine, do you?
}
} ORACLE:  Not at all.  Michelle Bachman also has a jaw like that.
}
} BAGGER (gasps):  Oh, stop it!
}
} ORACLE:  And your nose has the slightest upturn to it, like a
}           Barbara Bush or a . . .
}
} BAGGER (breathlessly):  a...a...a...?
}
} ORACLE:  Sarah Palin!
}
} BAGGER (swoons):  Harold calls it his puddin' button!
}
} ORACLE:  And your hair!  It's such a soft straw color, like
}           Hillary Clinton's hair.
}
} BAGGER (icily):  You mean Ann Coulter's hair.
}
} ORACLE:  Mmmm, nah, hers is more of a peroxide shade.  Yours
}           is definitely more of a yellow straw.  But now that I
}           see you scowl, your forehead lines look just like
}           Ruth Bader Ginsburg's.
}
} BAGGER (more icily):  Ahem.  I think you should go now.
}
} ORACLE:  I understand.  Thank you for your time.  Oh, Mrs.
}           Bagger -- you left your FOX News totebag!


1466-10    (29563 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If God wanted me to sleep, why did he let me know about caffeine?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Then cometh Jesus with them unto a place called Gethsemane, and saith
} unto the disciples, Sit ye here, while I go and pray yonder. And
} he took with him Peter and the two sons of Zebedee, and began to
} be sorrowful and very heavy. Then saith he unto them, My soul is
} exceeding sorrowful, even unto death: tarry ye here, and watch with
} me. And he went a little farther, and fell on his face, and prayed,
} saying, O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me:
} nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt. And he cometh unto
} the disciples, and findeth them asleep, and saith unto Peter, What,
} could ye not watch with me one hour? Watch and pray, that ye enter
} not into temptation: the spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is
} weak. He went away again the second time, and prayed, saying, O my
} Father, if this cup may not pass away from me, except I drink it,
} thy will be done.
}
} And the LORD replied, "You want it to pass? Here, fill it with
} espresso and give it to that Supplicant over there. He can be your
} new disciple."
}
} You owe the Oracle a cup of de-Caiaphinated coffee.


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