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Internet Oracularities #1467

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Internet Oracularities #1467    (25 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 09 May 2010 20:50:07 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
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http://www.internetoracle.org/  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of
Stephen B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1467
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1467  25 votes 04597 36853 26674 68542 037b4 27c31 264a3 5a442 2a544 1ac11
1467  3.0 mean  3.8   3.0   3.2   2.5   3.6   2.8   3.2   2.5   2.9   2.6


1467-01    (04597 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How much money do you make in a year?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The plates last for about 600,000 impressions before they get sort of
} smudgy. I run the press about three hours a day, and it's kind of slow
} work, because each sheet of the special paper is hand-fed into the
} press. I get about 30 impressions an hour, and there are eight bills to
} a sheet. They then get fed, after drying, into the press for the other
} side. So you can figure on 15 sheets an hour throughput. So multiply by
} 24, and then by $10 (people are less likely to suspect $10 bills) and
} you get $3600 a day. But I only work about 120 days in a year, the rest
} of my time being spent answering damn-fool questions.
}
} So that's about $432,000 a year. Now the plates are good for maybe
} 20,000 hours of work, and a year's worth of printing is 30 x 3 x 120
} hours, or 10800 hours. As you can see, I have to replace the plates
} roughly every two years, but that's ok because the US Mint changes the
} design for the $10 note about that often.
}
} You owe the Oracle a set of twisty, little serial numbers, all
} different.


1467-02    (36853 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why couldn't my kids sleep in this morning, just this once?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You need to stop being so overprotective. Everyone has to get born
} at some point.
}
} You owe the Oracle a womb with a view.


1467-03    (26674 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle
>
> You're black. So, are you getting Pokemon Black or White?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Supplicant / Yo, Homey!  (please select whichever salutation
} applies):
}
} While the Oracle (naturally) transcends all temporal, spatial, racial,
} ethnic, gender (and sometimes species) boundaries, We do occasionally
} enjoy a gaming session or two. Being omniscient, though, and having
} recourse to a myriad of grateful supplicants, the Oracle is currently
} well supplied with all past, present and future Pokemon (TM) cards,
} games etc.
}
} We have, however, devised an amusing little pastime of our own, which
} We are provisionally naming "Tellamon" (Patent pending). This exciting
} new game allows you to collect an amazing variety of Oracular
} questions, answers, characters and artifacts, and to match them in
} competition with your friends.
}
} Here are just SOME of the fantastic items you'll find:
}
} NULLON : It may LOOK like a blank card; but it has the power to
} confuse, mystify and completelty stump your opponents!  See if they can
} use their "Imagination", "Creativity" and "Sarcasm" powers against it -
} if they have them!
}
} GROVELARD: One of the most unassuming of the Tellamons, its
} overwhelming servility makes it nearly invulnerable to the Staff of
} *ZOT* - especially if you team it with a ZADOC!  Even used solo, it can
} disarm your opponent into giving you a valuable Answer!
}
} SPIKY CLUB OF OG: It smash, it crush, it pul-ver-ize! Just the item for
} dealing with UNGROVELs, Q-DRANOs and R.O.U.S.TORs, as well as the
} fearful RESUBBIT!
}
} LISACHU: So cute and seductive, it'll knock their socks off!  (Players
} must be 18 or older; void where prohibited).
}
} ORACULAR DECODER RING: Get a Question that's beyond your Incarnation's
} powers? The DECODER RING can instantly transform it into a wacky
} ANAGRAM that you can hurl back at your opponent!
}
} TREKTON: available in TOS, TNG, or even the ultra-rare DS9 subspecies,
} it can answer Questions as a full-fledged pop culture parody: gotta
} beam THIS one up!
}
} And that's just the beginning!  At higher levels, you can use the "Time
} Travel", "Poetic Licence" or "Super Geek" options to crate a whole NEW
} style of play! And get yourself ready for:
}
} ****X-TREME TELLAMON - W**DCH*CK CAGE MATCH!!!**** (Coming soon!)
}
} And remember: GOTTA ANSWER 'EM ALL!
}
} You owe the Oracle some Tylenol and a four-dimensional cribbage board.


1467-04    (68542 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle:
>
> The Titanic sunk April 14-15, Abraham Lincoln was shot April 15th, we
> have to pay our taxes the same day, the Revolutionary War started April
> 19th (the Civil War on April 12th) and Hitler was born April 20th. Why
> so bad?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They are all coincidences and not very amazing ones at that.
} The titanic stunk on April, but then again it stunk all year round.
} Abraham linking was shat April 15, but again he did that every day.
} We have to pay our taxis April 15, but then again we have to pay the
} fare on any other day we ride. There is no 'free taxi' holiday, that
} would be great. April 19th was not started by the Revolutionary War,
} it existed long before that (there is only one month with missing dates
} -see the cal program. It's NOT April), and the Civil War was a war on
} slavery, not on April 12th. And Hitler was borne, but that was only
} because his mother carried him around when he was a baby which lasted
} well past his birth on April 20. He so bad because kill 12 million
} people. That bad. You know it. Make MJ look like piker.
}
} You owe the Oracle an explanation of why MJ was able to jump.


1467-05    (037b4 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I am a scientist working for the Health Ministry, and I have been
> tasked with reducing sodium in food. Because my degree is in political
> science, I am not quite as well versed in chemistry as I perhaps
> should be, so I turn to you for advice.
>
> We are planning a 50% reduction in sodium in food, to be voted and
> put into place by late 2011. It has been pointed out to me that salt,
> NaCl, is half sodium, so that is the obvious place to start.
>
> The legislation I shall be writing will recommend a phased
> implementation of reduced-sodium salt. By October 2012 half of the salt
> sold in stores must be NaCl2, and by 2015 there will be a complete
> changeover to NaCl2, and the introduction of NaCl3 and NaCl5 will
> commence. The result will be a proportionate reduction of the sodium
> in salt.
>
> We are hearing from salt-industry spokesmen that what we propose
> is impossible. Well, of course, nothing is impossible if the right
> incentives are applied.
>
> How can I convince the salt companies to produce NaCl2, NaCl3 and
> NaCl5?  We can have government laboratories assist them in the project,
> but our Chief Government Scientist admits he also does not know how
> to make NaCl2, not yet. He recommends massive funding. I do not want
> to resort to punitive measures, but such a threat will always remain
> available, to ensure that acceptable results are obtained.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Okay, non-grovelling "scientist" person. Here's what I'll do for you.
}
} Let me tell you- one shouldn't try and change the amount of Cl in
} salt. Your assistants can work on that for years, driven forward by
} the thought of fame, glory and free pizza, but you need a result now,
} or at least before the next election, so you can claim  all the credit
} for it.
}
} You need to change the amount of Na in all the food people eat. The
} best way to do that is to go after the densest concentration of
} Na in food. The humble banana. Just look at that! 66% of it is Na,
} and if you multiply that by the number of them eaten every day- why,
} the arteries clang at the very thought.
}
} So- you have two options: Ban bananas on the grounds of public health
} (would be unpopular amongst the general public, fruit companies,
} and non-human primates) Or if you want to remain popular- Gradually
} reduce the amount of Na in the banana. Rename it gradually, first to
} the bana, and then the ba.
}
} I'm sure you see the logic of the situation. Then, once you have
} eliminated the Na from the banana, you can then get to work on
} the other hidden sources of Na in our lives, like songs with snappy
} choruses, undefined numbers in spreadsheets and females whose children
} have children.
}
} You owe the oracle an element of surprise.


1467-06    (27c31 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> will Nani pick me up?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Supplicant:
}
} First of all, Uncle Oracle is VERY happy to see you developing your
} computer skills already! Imagine how thrilling it will be when you're
} able to WALK up to the computer ALL BY YOURSELF! No more laborious
} crawling and climbing - you'll be one of the BIG kids soon! Won't that
} be fun?
}
} Of course, you're going to have to learn to GROVEL, too. Not only will
} Uncle Oracle be REALLY pleased; but it might help you when you're
} pestering Mommy or Nani for that pony you'll want some day!
}
} Now, your question: Of COURSE Nani is going to pick you up: you're just
} as cute as a button in your new rompers - how can she resist? Sure,
} Nani may be all wrinkly, and she may smell funny; but she's going to be
} a GREAT ally for you! When Mommy is getting all mean about TV or candy,
} and stuffing horrid Vegetables down your poor little gullet, who you
} gonna call? Nani! She'll give you goodies until you're bouncig off the
} wals! She'll be your ticket for all those expensive  toys you see in
} the Saturday morning commercials! She'll send you birthday cards with
} REAL MONEY in them!
}
} And of course, if you suck up to Nani REAL good, she might leave you a
} big, honking LEGACY when she finally kicks the bucket - won't Mommy be
} JEALOUS!! So hang in there, kid!
}
} You owe the Oracle a cut of Nani's estate, once you hit 21.


1467-07    (264a3 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> hi owacle. I 5 year old. There bottle of medicine that have
> pwetty, yummy looking capsules, but i not able to open it.
> how can i get lid off so i can get to pwetty, yummy capsules?
> tanks!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} OK, kid.......
}
} First of all, Einstein, you're going to have to work harder at your
} grammar and spelling, if you want to get into that elite kindergarten
} that your Mommy's been looking at. You're dropping verbs all over the
} place; and even when you have them, they don't agree with the subject.
} And typing with a lisp? Look, buddy, cuteness is NOT going to cut it
} with the Admissions Board: they're looking for kids with drive,
} ambition - GUTS. Show 'em you've got what it takes in this rough- and
} -tumble world; show 'em you can kick butt and take lunch money!
}
} Anyway, about those pills? Fugeddaboutit.
}
} Those are Mommy's Happy Pills. You know, when Daddy gets home and
} starts yelling at Mommy about serving frozen lasagna for dinner? And
} Mommy starts crying a lot, and gets into that gallon jug of Chardonnay?
} Yeah: THOSE pills. They're what's keeping Mommy from selling you and
} your sister to a rug-weaver in Bangladesh. (That's what Mommy said,
} anyway, while you were busy tormenting Mittens).
}
} So, if you eat those shiny, candy-colored capsules, Mommy's not going
} to have any left to make her happy......
}
} And if Mommy's not happy - ain't NOBODY happy.
}
} Now, you wanna make the Oracle happy?
}
}   Go into Daddy's drawer; and there, next to his gun and white
} balloons, you'll find his wallet. Take out ALL the pictures of the dead
} Presidents you can find, and send them to the Oracle, He just LOVES
} those pictures..........


1467-08    (5a442 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What were they thinking?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They were thinking they could power their home by harnessing nuclear
} waste.  Boy were they wrong.


1467-09    (2a544 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You control my buttons and scroll bars.
> You control my windows too.
> We gonna make a web surfer outta you,
> That's what we gonna do!
>
> (Look at my butt)
>
> Don't close that program! Don't click that link!
> The Oracle on Internet.
> I ask you questions. Please tell me what I should think.
> The Oracle on Internet.
>
> Are Chinese people descended from Ham or Japheth?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, neither.
}
} Although Ham's descendants did get as far as the Sandwich Islands,
} where they mustered and bred, the far Eastern peoples are in fact
} descended form one of the lesser-known sons of Noah, Mooshu.
}
} Mooshu's sons, Lomein, Dimsum, Fooyung and Norbert, spread outward into
} post-Diluvial China, multiplying as they went (this was the reason the
} abacus was first invented there). While the first three settled down
} comfortably in their new home, Norbert was discontented, and set out
} across the Pacific by himself.
}
} He eventually landed in what was later to be known as Seattle, on the
} continent already settled by Noah's other sons, Muktuk, Succotash and
} Enchilada. Mingling with the local maidens, Norbert laid the
} foundations of Geek civilization, which one day would reach its peak in
} the great exodus to Indiana.
}
} The rest, of course, is history...........
}
} You owe the Oracle another question: he'll need it about half an hour
} from now.


1467-10    (1ac11 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> hi Orrie, I'm a hornet. How come people are such racist
> bigots that they don't want to be my knees? I feel hurt.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Now, now, let's not misapply the term racist. You don't belong to a
} 'race', which is a completely arbitrary category applied to Homo
} sapiens by other Homo sapiens. If you wish for proof, try to mate with
} a member of that species. (There are those who may actually want you to
} attempt that.)
}
} I suppose you could call it speciesism if you were really desperate to
} be offended. But it cuts two ways: ask a bee why everyone thinks its
} knees are so great. Especially a bee with arthritis. You'll get an
} antenna full.
}
} Ultimately, though, it comes from the fact that 'hornet' doesn't rhyme
} with 'knee'. Rhyme is a strange human concept wherein they make sounds
} that are similar to other sounds, using it in a way to provide proof of
} some ridiculous statement. (For instance, why are the only things in
} Texas steers and queers? Cause it rhymes!) So perhaps you should begin
} a PR campaign on how good it would be to be a hornet's omelets.
}
} You owe the Oracle an omelet. With cheese, tomatoes and bell peppers.


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