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Internet Oracularities #1468

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1468, 1468-01, 1468-02, 1468-03, 1468-04, 1468-05, 1468-06, 1468-07, 1468-08, 1468-09, 1468-10


Internet Oracularities #1468    (24 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 03 Jun 2010 08:03:41 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line, or go to http://www.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/ or
http://www.internetoracle.org/  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of
Stephen B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1468
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1468  24 votes 05892 05964 15c60 07863 16782 48831 04e51 15f21 05766 17862
1468  3.1 mean  3.3   3.4   3.0   3.2   3.2   2.5   3.1   2.9   3.5   3.0


1468-01    (05892 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What should I do with the new face that ate my drywall and is gnawing
> on my  toes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Mrs. Rigby:
}
} Didn't you read the instructions? The old jar by the door is NOT
} acceptable storage for the 2010 Persona Mk IV Facial Prosthesis (TM).
}
} The manual CLEARLY states:
} "When not in active use, the Persona (TM) should be kept free of dust
} and grease, away from direct sunlight and at a temperature not above
} 5(five) degrees Celsius. This is best accomplished with our patented
} FaceSavR (TM) hi-impact container (available as a stylish, plug-in unit
} or the economical refrigerator insert  - see catalogue for details).
} The Persona (TM) should be carefully laid out flat, all wrinkles
} smoothed out, and COMPLETELY immersed in its Veil O' Tears (TM) saline
} solution. Remember to 'burp' the lid after closing.
}
} "Failure to follow proper storage procedures may result in the Persona
} (TM)'s incomplete deactivation. The Corporation will not accept
} responsibility for claims of subsequent escape, damage to household
} property, injury to pets or livestock, psychological trauma to children
} or sudden involuntary grimaces, moues, pouts or other inappropriate
} expressions. Please call our Consumer Assistance Centre for further
} information."
}
} Well, there you have it, Mrs. Rigby: I'm afraid you've violated the
} warranty. The Oracle has no easy solution for loss of face.
}
} You owe it to the Oracle to visit  your local Lonely People Support
} Group (meets alternate Thursdays, 6 - 8 pm, at St. John, Paul, George &
} Ringo's Parish Hall). Wear a paper sack, PLEASE.


1468-02    (05964 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hi, Orrie, my name is Peter Piarkper. I picked a peck of
> peppers growing next to the nucular power plant and ate them,
> and now I can turn red and green and make people sneeze!
>
> What's happening to me ???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Mr. Piarkper:
}
} The Oracle regrets to inform you that your symptoms are *not* a sign of
} incipient superpowers, as you might have thought. Chili peppers, even
} normal, minimally radioactive varieties, will naturally cause changes
} in complexion when ingested. (The Oracle remembers one particularly
} notorious evening in Aguascalientes, when, after consuming a Homeric
} quantity of *Cacerola Chinchilla con Habaneros*, washed down with
} several pints of mescal, he began strobing in all colors of the
} spectrum [including ultraviolet], and reciting unprintable limericks in
} Aramaic. What happened after that is not exactly clear).
}
} As for the sneezing: had you been observant enough, you might have
} noticed this was happening even *before* the incident you cited. The
} Oracle recommends you stop using that particular body spray. Take a
} shower, for Heaven's sake.
}
} Had you actually acquired any superpowers, you would have been aware of
} the following symptoms:
}
} 1.) Acute sense of Destiny and Justice
} 2.) Irresistible urge to create a Secret Identity (includes catchy
} name, e.g. 'El Incendido' ['La Llama' would be too confusing, in more
} ways than one], and flashy costume [peferably spandex-based] )
} 3.) Tendency to seek marketing opportunities (comic books, movie and
} television deals [live-action and animated], toy and collectibles
} contracts)
}
} We hope we have answered you query to your satisfaction. Take some
} Pepto-Bismol, and you should feel better fairly soon. Have a nice day!
}
} You owe the Oracle US$5,300 (payable to the Palacio de Justicia,
} Aguascalientes, Mexico).


1468-03    (15c60 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why are they getting the temp table not found error? There's
> plenty of space in tempdb.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Poor, deluded Supplicant:
}
} Do you actually believe everything *they* tell you? After all, we're
} talking about *them*.
}
} THEM.
}
} You know who caused the current world crises? Who covered up Global
} Warming? Who let Wall Street ravage the economy? Who shot JFK? Who
} faked Elvis's death? Who hid the aliens? Who put the overalls in Mrs.
} Murphy's chowder?
}
} That's right - THEY did.
}
} And now, you're going to let THEM tell you it's all just some simple
} processing error?
}
} No, Supplicant, it's perfectly obvious  the temp table isn't merely
} 'missing': THEY only want you to *think* that.
}
} THEY have cleverly hidden this table in various locations, to conceal
} THEIR nefarious plans. To find it, hack into your workplace terminal,
} and search as many chatrooms, game sites, sports discussion boards and
} "adult" websites as possible. These are THEIR favorite places to cache
} incriminating data.
}
} You may expect some opposition and threats from THEIR agents (posing as
} your 'supervisors'); but the vital importance of this mission far
} outweighs the sacrifices you will have to make. Good luck, and God
} bless!
}
} You owe the Oracle a sturdy, yet stylish aluminum-foil fedora.


1468-04    (07863 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You have conjured a beastly, warlike, humanoid creature.
}
} Oh wait, that was the answer to the "gnoll question", not
} the null question - silly the Oracle.  Well, try again and
} this time, you owe me a spell checker.


1468-05    (16782 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, please save me from your followers.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ahhhh: *there* you are...........
}
} Well, well, well. Out of the frying pan, into the blast furnace, is it?
} Oh, you needn't bother: those doors are securely locked behind you.
} Have a seat, son.
}
} Now, let's look at your dossier. You've submitted about 2,637 "tellme"s
} to the Oracle, and not a single unsolicited "askme". Of those, 421 were
} crude variations on the W**dch*ck question; 1,003 were pathetic
} attempts to get a date with Lisa (and/or obtain nude pictures of her);
} 715 were ripoffs of old Steven Wright jokes and Jerry Seinfeld
} monologues; 180 were half-baked political rants (36 of them ending in
} requests for the death of some 'enemy'); 45 were messages in "1337"; 97
} had inappropriate lemur references in them; 53 were null questions; 104
} were prefaced by thinly disguised insults masquerading as 'groveling';
} 18 were simply excruciatingly dull - and I'm not even going to
} *mention* that other one (by the way, I'm surprised it hasn't fallen
} off yet).
}
} Of the few questions I sent you that you *did* condescend to answer,
} the overwhelming majority were simply peremptory brush-offs along the
} lines of "GET A LIFE LUSER";  the remainder alternated between
} lecherous gloatings over your imagined sexual prowess, and obscure
} references to old online games (invariably claiming some  ludicrously
} high score).
}
} You made persistent and egregious errors in spelling and grammar; you
} belittled other Incarnations; you became, in general, a stench in the
} civic nostril.
}
} And you wonder why people are trying to bring you to justice?
}
} Well, no more running now: the Oracle has pronounced judgment. You will
} be taken from this place to the Pit of Eternal Lamentation; where you
} shall be devoured, body and soul, by rabid wolverines, flesh-eating
} scorpions and Facebook groups; and may God have mercy on your soul.
}
} (releases trap door beneath SUPPLICANT's chair).
}
} Farewell,  BIFF SNARKMAN!
} ************************************
}
} What?
}
} He said his name *wasn't* Biff Snarkman?
}
} Oh. Sorry. Lemme check that file............
}
} Bloody clerical errors.........


1468-06    (48831 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If confirmed, will Elena Kagan manage to seduce Sotomayor
> into having sex with her? If they want to get married and
> demand that justice Scalia marry them in a civil ceremony
> (as judges can do), and he refuses, and they sue him and
> take the case all the way up to the Supreme Court, will
> Kagan, Sotomayor and Scalia be forced to recuse themselves,
> or would they still be allowed to serve on the bench since
> there would be no other justices that could replace them?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Owing to the separation of powers, the case involving the Supreme Court
} justices will need to be heard by the Senate. Barney Frank will
} complain the he has a right to hear the case, too, because of vested
} interest.
}
} Under the same principles by which people seem to think that /Senator/
} Joe McCarthy headed the /House/ Un-American Activities Committee,
} Barney will be allowed to pretend that he is a Senator, thus further
} confusing students of American History some 100 (or perhaps four) years
} from now.


1468-07    (04e51 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is Michelangelo considered such a great artist? His
> Last Judgment really sucks donkey balls, compared to, say
> Bosch, Memling or Van Der Weyden. Christ looks flabby and
> deformed, despite Mikey's attempt to give him a six pack and
> make him look real buff. Is this dipshit the most overrated
> artist in history?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Michelangelo is not the most overrated artist of all time.  That
} dubious honor belongs to Imperator Caesar Lucius Aurelius Verus
} Augustus, whose sole artistic merit was the authority to execute
} any critics that did not give him the highest praise.  We remember
} Michelangelo as a great artist because he was a major celebrity,
} just like we remember Elvis as a great singer.  Oh, and one would
} expect Christ to look flabby and deformed, rather than buff, after
} chugging a six-pack.  Michelangelo got it right.
}
} You owe the Oracle a loaded four-sided die to go with your loaded
} four-sided question.


1468-08    (15f21 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The buoy in my toilet tank doesn't always float back up
> after I flush so I still hear the water trickling. Please
> make this be fixed. Thanks.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, crabcakes: whaddaya think I am, a plumber?
}
} All right..............................................................
}
} (The Oracle vanishes suddenly, then reappears dressed in a
} Harley-DavidsonT-shirt, low-slung jeans [with union-standard gap of not
} less than 1.25 inches between beltline and bottom of shirt], steel-toed
} work boots and baseball cap with the legend "Olympic Plumbing &
} Heating"; and carrying a large metal toolbox).
}
} OK, let's see what you got here.....( sweeps the spare toilet roll,
} bottle of hand lotion and much-thumbed issues of "Llama Fanciers'
} Weekly" off the tank top and removes the
} cover)............................
}
} Yeah, just what I thought:
}
} It's not your float that's causing the problem, Bud: your flap valve -
} y'see down there, with the chain on it? That's shot: that's why she's
} leaking on you. When did you last change it?
}
} You never looked in there before? You figured the landlord was gonna
} take care of all that? Geeze, that's been there five, maybe ten years;
} was a pretty cheap one to begin with, too.........
}
} Tell you what you do: you go down to the hardware store and get a new
} one - ten bucks, tops. Easy to do: just turn off the water there
} (brushes away the cobwebs and massive dust-bunnies from underneath the
} toilet) - see, there's the valve - empty the tank; remove the old valve
} - you got a wrench, I suppose - and just slip the new one in. Hook up
} the chain, turn the water back on....... you're in business.
}
} (Straightens back up, pausing briefly to glance at the "Wild 'N' Wooly!
} Andean Beauties" calendar on the bathroom wall).  OK, you got that?
}
} (His cellphone rings) Just a sec...........
}
} Aw, geeze: gotta rush. Augean Stables is calling again..........
}
} That'll be fifty bucks for the consultation, pal. Cash, preferably:
} I'll take a check, if you put your phone number on it.
}
} (You also owe the oracle the phone number of Miss April's breeder.)


1468-09    (05766 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Should I contact the mother of my child on facebook 10 years later?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} OK, superstud, think for a minute:
}
} So you skipped town when you found out she was pregnant, because you
} said you "weren't ready yet".
}
} While she was dealing with puking her guts up every morning, you were
} "finding yourself" on a surfboard off Redondo Beach (not to mention
} scoping out all the hot bods).
}
} While she was getting bloated and cranky from lugging around a belly
} the size of a beach ball, you were fantasizing about becoming a
} professional beer taster (at least, that's what you told your buds
} those nights at Hooters).
}
} When Mom had to rush her to the hospital at 4:30 in the morning, you
} had just crashed on your couch, after having Steverino drive you back
} to your apartment (well, you did *something* sensible there).
}
} (Well, yes, she *did* mention your name during the delivery; but that
} was more in the way of a death threat).
}
} After Jessica was born, and they finally managed to track you down,
} your behavior in the courtroom was, shall we say, less than exemplary.
} Those aspersions you cast on her character, and your mulish resistance
} to the blood test, were not particularly calculated to endear yourself
} to her (*four* orderlies holding you down? Not a pretty sight).
}
} OK, so you *did* grudgingly get a job, and began making token
} child-support payments (granted, Burger Shack (TM) was not exactly the
} glamorous and lucrative career you had in mind). You consoled yourself
} by cadging beers from your remaining buddies, and reflecting that you
} had escaped the tyranny of dirty diapers and 3 a.m. feedings.
}
} Oh, and remember that time a few years ago, when you scraped together
} enough to send Jessica those Ken & Barbie (TM) dolls for Christmas? You
} *don't* want to know what happened to Ken..........
}
} So, now that you've clawed your way up to a cubicle job, with a
} computer and everything, you want to get on Facebook (TM) - provided
} your supervisor isn't looking - and give the old flame a poke? Is that
} it? I know you're having trouble getting any these days, but are you
} *that* desperate?
}
} Yes, you say you've changed: but so has she, Romeo. Ever since she
} joined that "Free Coven of the Triumphant Goddess", and dedicated
} Jessica (or rather, "Vindicta Whiteflame", as she's called now) to
} Artemis, your chances for a cozy little reunion (and the attendant
} "make-up" sex) are looking pretty slim.
}
} So, take the Oracle's advice: send her a Jacquie Lawson (TM) e-card
} instead (preferably one featuring worms writhing under a spike-heeled
} boot); keep up the payments, and try Gladys in Phone Sales instead. She
} may be a little heavy for your tastes; and her extensive Smurf (TM)
} collection may seem a little obsessive; but at least she's not too
} picky.
}
} Oh - and use protection this time. (You owe it to yourself - AND the
} Oracle).


1468-10    (17862 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The Green Hornet is neither green, nor a hornet. Is he some
> sort of ecoterrorist? Please explain.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O Clueless Fanboy: tune into the truth.............
}
} (Static crackles, then fades)
}
} (Introductory Hammond organ music up)
}
} (Voice-over): Return with us now to those thrilling days of the
} not-so-Old West, where one Britt Reid, a young man with a passion for
} Justice, attempts to recapture the glory of his legendary, masked
} ancestor........
}
} (Music segues to a slow rendition of 'Oh, Susanna', played on banjo and
} harmonica)
} (SFX: desert wind)
}
} (VO): Our scene is the dusty little town of Desperation Gulch: a
} forgotten backwater; a crumbling remnant of the wild frontier. One
} lonely, sway-backed old horse drowses at the dilapidated hitching post
} before the General Store; a few battered Model T pickups are parked
} among the broken-down buckboards. Outside a dingy saloon, a couple of
} Gabby Hayes look-alikes are swapping monosyllables and spitting into the
} street.
}
} A cloud of dust in the distance resolves into a Hudson sedan, driven by
} a young college graduate in shirtsleeves, hand-painted tie, and a
} stained Panama fedora. Beside him sits a burly older man, similarly
} attired, save for a straw skimmer. They pull to a stop in front of the
} erstwhile telegraph office....
}
} (Fade out music)
} (SFX: brakes squeaking; car doors opening and shutting; footsteps on
} dirt road)
}
} YOUNG MAN (BRITT): Hot dog, Mike! It's just like the stories Dad used
} to tell me about his boyhood, when he rode with my legendary, masked
} ancestor, the Lone Ranger!
}
} MIKE: Yeah, kid, I'm sure it's picturesque as all get-out; but your
} father hired me to keep you out of trouble. And if you try any of that
} Buffalo Bill nonsense, why -
}
} BRITT: Aw, don't be such a pickle-puss, Mike! You see any gangsters or
} hop-heads in this ghost town? You've been on the Force so long, you
} think _ev'rybody's_ some sort of low-life racketeer!
}
} MIKE: I been around the block since you were in rompers, kid: don't you
} forget that! Bein' a cop's taught me a lotta things: and one o' them's
} that a fool college boy like you can get in hot water _anywhere_ on
} God's green earth!
}
} (VO): As if on cue, the sleepy desert afternoon was rent with the sound
} of gunfire!
}
} (SFX: gunfire)
}
} (VO): The terrified locals dove for cover!
}
} LOCALS: Quick! Git Down! Big Pete's gone plumb loco agin!
}
} (SFX: more gunfire; distant hoofbeats)
}
} BRITT: Mike! There's a desperado on the loose! This could be my big
} chance!
}
} MIKE: F'r gosh sake, kid, get in the car, and let's scram! You got no
} reason ta -
}
} (VO): But, quick as a flash, our daring young hero made a bee-line for
} the nearest available mount, and leaped into the saddle!
}
} (SFX:horse whinny)
}
} BRITT: No time for that, Mike, old pard! Destiny awaits! HI-HO,
} SILVER!!!
}
} (SFX: Horse whinny rises to scream; wood cracking; godawful crash)
}
} ***********************************************************************
} Friends: Are you troubled with the Scourge of Halitosis? Do your
} acquaintances seem to avoid you? Do you feel that your boss isn't
} rewarding you sufficiently at work? Does your marriage lack the magic it
} once had? Yes: "Mouth-Fur" has darkened the lives of so many like You!
}
} But NOW, you can take heart! Cleanse and sweeten your mouth AND your
} attitude with New ORA-COOL: the OMNISCIENT toothpaste!  The Wisdom of
} the Ages, re-created by our tireless researchers in Modern Antiseptic
} Laboratories, brings you the refreshing taste of Frankincense and
} Myrrh, to gently lead Your Troubled Teeth to the Sparkle of
} Enlightenment!
}
} That's ORA-COOL: Get Mouth-Wise TODAY!
}
} And now - back to the adventures of "BRITT REID: Hero In Training"!
} ***********************************************************************
}
} (Hammond organ music)
}
} (VO): Half an hour later, in the old drug-store........
}
} PHARMACIST: Well, he ain't gonna kick the bucket, near's I kin reckon;
} but ye better git him over to Denver soon's ye kin. I taped up them
} ribs, 'n' put a splint on that there leg; but we ain't got none thim
} Hex-rays round these here parts to make sartin. What _was_ that fool
} green-horn tryin' to do, anyway? Kickin' that hoss 'thout even untyin'
} him? Land sakes, no wonder the ol' crow-bait  done fell on him!
}
} MIKE: What about that Pete fella? Ya got no sheriff to bring that
} hoodlum in, pal?
}
} PHARM: Naw, Pete don't mean nothin' by it: he jes' gits on a tear now
} 'n' then after drinkin' too much. Besides, he never _could_ shoot worth
} a plugged nickel; he'll cool down sooner 'r later, 'n' come home like a
} whupped dawg. Kid coulda' broke his neck larrupin' 'round after him.
} Gosh Almighty, I never seen sech a jug-haid greenhorn as this'n!
}
} MIKE: You hear that, "Green-Horn"? Better stick with the ponies at
} the track, kid! Now let's get ya back to "Civilization".
}
} BRITT: (groans) You may be laughing at me now, Mike (cough): but I
} _know_ I'm going to make it as a crime-fighter (cough): it's in my
} blood!
}
} MIKE: They got shots for that now, lover-boy: it's called "septicemia".
} Look, kid - yer a green-horn, an' always will be:  ya can _never_
} shake that off! Stick ta the city, OK?
}
} BRITT: Mike, I may be a green-horn (cough); but I'm going to wear
} that badge with pride!. If I can't ride a horse, then by golly, I'm
} going DRIVE evil-doers to Justice! And no matter how silly it may look,
} I'm going to wear a MASK!
}
} (Hammond organ theme up: and fade out)
}
} So, there you are, Supplicant: Britt took that shameful epithet, added
} a couple of letters, got some cool weapons, a souped-up automobile and a
} Japanese sidekick, and kicked bad-guy butt! That's the American Way,
} pal: high-octane, high-explosive and high-YA!  No tree-hugging here!
}
} You owe the oracle the original transcription discs, and a large
} donation to the Kato Institute.


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