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Internet Oracularities #1469

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1469, 1469-01, 1469-02, 1469-03, 1469-04, 1469-05, 1469-06, 1469-07, 1469-08, 1469-09, 1469-10


Internet Oracularities #1469    (25 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 07 Jul 2010 15:29:06 -0500 (EST)

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
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   1469
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1469  25 votes 235a5 34c33 06c52 44863 43945 24793 32956 16783 3b641 45763
1469  3.1 mean  3.5   3.0   3.1   3.0   3.1   3.3   3.4   3.2   2.6   3.0


1469-01    (235a5 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is there an ontologist in the house???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} - All right, folks, stand back: give this poor devil some room........
}
} - OK, Ma'am, what happened?
}
} - Well, Mr......
}
} - Oracle.
}
} - Mr. Oracle, my husband Ralph, he's a philosophy teacher over at
} Columbia? He'd been grading papers a few weeks ago, and was feeling
} kind of blah afterward, like he didn't see any meaning in anything? I
} told him he should talk to Professor Wysznowszki about it - he and
} Ralph are old friends, they went to Rutgers together - and this morning
} Ralph and I were going over to his office - the Professor's, I mean -
} and the Dean was there on the campus with a bunch of big donors, and
} Ralph tried to ask him about getting funding for his seminar on
} Neo-Platonism - that's one of Ralph's pet projects, and the Dean? Well,
} he's about the most awful snob, and he reads Ayn Rand and all that
} horrid stuff, he turned and told Ralph in the most arrogant tone, "As
} far as *I'm* concerned, you don't even *exist*!" And all these old
} alumni - business majors and whatnot - they just laughed out loud at
} poor Ralph!  Well, Ralph didn't even dignify that nasty Dean with an
} answer, he just turned on his heel and walked away! So we'd got back to
} the street, when Ralph looked at me kind of funny, and said, "Myra," -
} that's my name - "Myra, I don't think -", and then he went all blank
} suddenly and he sort of collapsed and - (*sob*) - and -
}
} - There, there, Myra, keep your chin up: I'm sure we can get Ralph back
} on his feet. After all, I'm the Oracle, aren't I? Now, when was his
} last metaphysical? About a year ago, I see..... No signs of existential
} problems then. OK, let me examine him:
}
} Hmm: minimal muscle tone; body temperature barely perceptible; pulse
} weak but steady; still fairly solid, but he's fading in and out a bit.
} We'll have to hurry. Myra, have you got a mirror in your purse?
}
} - I - I - Yes! In - in my compact! H - Here it is -
}
} - Hold it in front of his eyes: that's it, right there! Now, let's look
} at his wallet .....  Few twenties (hm, not much)..... SuperSavers'
} card.......... (nice snapshot of...? Oops, never mind)......... Ah!
} Driver's license, that's good.......... and - Here we are: university
} parking stub - validated! Now.................. Ralph? RALPH! Can you
} hear me? I want you to focus on the mirror - that's it, open your
} eyes........... Can you see it? Can you see the face in it? Good!
} that's you - YOU. Now look at the license - see the picture? See how
} they're the same? That's right......... Now, see where it says,
} SWEETBURGER, RALPH D.? Yes, that's your NAME. I know it doesn't say
} Ph.D at the end, but that's not important right now........
}
} OK, now, Ralph? You see this ticket? Yes, you have a car, and you
} parked it.......... Now, look at the stamp, there: you see, its
} validated. Yes - VALIDATED. You've got EXTERNAL PROOF, Ralph: you
} EXIST. Doesn't matter what the Dean said - YOU EXIST.
}
} There, now, he's beginning to get some color back......... Take it
} easy, Ralph: sit up slowly........... Could one of you help me get him
} on his feet? There! Now, you get home and get yourself a good rest for
} a while. (Myra, you'd better drive)..........
}
} You'd better keep him away from any heavy reading for a while, Ma'am.
} No textbooks or professional journals...... try giving him the op-eds
} in the Times - or better yet, the Post: it'll stimulate some healthy
} outrage, keep his sense of self going. Now, if he starts talking shop -
} like postulating whether he's just a figment of someone else's
} imagination or not - you give him a good slap in the chops, OK? That'll
} take his mind off it......
}
} - Mr. Oracle? Thank you! I didn't know what I was going to do........
} perhaps I could -
}
} - No, really, Mrs. Sweetburger, I couldn't: it's just the least I can
} do for a fellow entity. God bless you.
}
} However......... when he's back to his old self......... I suppose
} Ralph *could* work something out for me............  maybe a definitive
} proof of the non-existence of Justin Bieber, say?  It's no big
} deal...... Bye!


1469-02    (34c33 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When I try to link a purify'd binary on an x86 platform I get file
> notfound: not found. If I compile a dummy .c file and make an .so
> called 'notfound' it works. What's going on here? This is not a joke.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's because you are telling it all wrong.
} The way I heard it, the purify'd binary and the .c file walked into a
} bar...
}
} No no no, it went like this:
} A null order, a reciprex server, and a techrep were fishing in the
} ocean...
}
} Ooh, that's not right either, hang on a sec.
} A Papa notfound, a Mama notfound, and a little boy notfound were
} walking on  the beach and saw two dogs f...
}
} wait wait wait, that ain't it.
} Dang it, how <did> that joke go?
}
} Oh well, Supplicant. I saw the humor of it right away.
} Some of us just know how to tell a joke.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Cerf-board.


1469-03    (06c52 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is an aeon flux? Is it a flux of aeons? I've never heard of that
> particular particle before. Is that like an ion flux but even cooler
> (even though aeon is weird British-speak for a geological time like the
> Phanerozoic Eon)? Or is it just the cooler 25th century pronunciation
> for "ion" (just like Futurama has 31st century people saying eksmas and
> aks ('Christmas' & 'ask'))? There does not appear to be millions or
> billions of years time travel in the movie preview.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ian Phlox is an English florist, noted for his creating of the
} flowering shrub that bears his name.
}
} He was always considered a bit of a weirdo. Even his best friend,
} H.P. Lovecraft considered him loony, and was freaked out by him on more
} than one occasion. But they remained good friends until Phlox's death,
} and even then Lovecraft, though a committed atheist, preached the
} sermon at his funeral, giving assurance to his grieving mother that he
} would one day be raised to immortality at the Last Trump, so that
} mother and son would be reunited in Heaven. He closed with these words:
} "That is not dead which can eternal lie, and with strange Ians even
} death may die".
}
} You owe the Oracle a Fillet-O-Fish sandwich from Innsmouth.


1469-04    (44863 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Will we all be omniscient in heaven?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} - And now, Brothers and Sisters, while we lead these poor repentant
} Sinners to the Altar of Mercy, to receive the bountiful blessing of the
} Heavenly Answers to All Mortal Questions -
}
} ('Hallelujah!' 'Testify, Brother Oracle!')
}
} - I want each and every one of you to join with me in that wondrous
} old favorite, "Will We All Be Omniscient In Heaven?" - with Sister
} Sibyl at the Oracular Wurlitzer:
}
} ************************************************************************
} "Will we all be Omniscient in Heaven?
} Precious Lord, will we know ev'ry-thing?
} Will the Angels fly in, on the  head of a Pin,
} And dance for us all in a ring?
}
} "Will we know what the Saints had for breakfast?
} Will we know whether Jeff thinks we're hot?
} Will we know if lovely Lisa's going to go with us for pizza,
} Or who'll be our date, if she's not?
}
} "Will we all be omniscient in Heaven?
} Lord Above, will we hold all the cards?
} Will we know all the Truth about Gin and Vermouth,
} And what are the 'Whole Nine Yards'?
}
} "Will we be superusers in Heaven?
} Will the Web be our halo of Glory?
} When a W**dch*ck chucks some wood, will we know how much he could?
} Will we all be as omniscient as Orrie?"
}
} ('A-MEN!' 'Hallelujah!' [general rejoicing and speaking in tongues])
} ************************************************************************
}
} Now, Raise your eyes to the Lord; place your hands on the keyboard, and
} give the Oracle your credit card number....


1469-05    (43945 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is the P.L.O. supervising your diet plan? I keep hear them
> saying, "Yes, sir. Orrie's fat".

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Impetuous and gullible supplicant:
}
} What you have been hearing is a deliberate campaign of slander and
} calumny, perpetrated by a cabal of extremist hacks and scribblers.
} These would-be 'prophets', enraged by the (well-deserved) drubbing they
} have received in the Oracularities, have been attempting, in their
} usual web-footed way, to bring the August and Immortal Oracle into
} disrepute among the masses.
}
} The Pundits for Libeling the Oracle (for such is their full title), not
} content with fabricating outrageous cock-and-bull articles for the
} tabloids, have taken to mounting a whispering campaign. On the
} street-corners of various cities, they have posted agents, dupes and
} cats-paws all, who are instructed to buttonhole passing strangers and
} spread scurrilous insinuations about Our personal hygiene, fashion
} sense, financial status, and (most reprehensible of all) Our intimate
} relationships. Heaven forbid these Grub-Street witlings should satisfy
} themselves with attacks upon the Oracle: they must needs drag the
} beloved and blameless Lisa through the mud! (This reference, of course,
} has nothing to do with the healthful and revivifying exercises We
} sometimes engage in at the Temple mud-baths; but is purely
} metaphorical).
}
} Now, this particular bit of misinformation you mention above is
} patently absurd. Our Divine metabolism is incapable of such mortal
} shortcomings  as obesity: you could (if you were graciously permitted
} to do so) break an inch-thick oak plank against the Oracular abdomen,
} without so much as a quiver from that exquisitely-sculpted midriff!
}
} No, these yellow journalists (a particularly fitting description, if We
} may add) are merely catching at straws. Have no fear: the Oracle knows
} His own, and will provide. When you encounter these buffoons - you will
} know them by their pathetic attempts at exotic disguise: striped
} pajamas; garish, curly-toed slippers; dish-towel kaffiyehs and
} purloined Shriner fezzes (the reason for this masquerade is unclear) -
} simply smile, point your index finger at them, and shout, "< ZOT! >",
} to let them - and the world - know that you are not deceived.
}
} Bless you, my child - and pass Us another one of those donuts.


1469-06    (24793 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Whatever became of Hubert Humphrey?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hubert *who*?
}
} He, he: just kidding. As a matter of fact, Hubie's gearing up for a
} series of debates with Reagan, Eugene V. Debs and Teddy Roosevelt, on
} the issue of unionization in Purgatory. (You thought Ronnie was in
} Heaven? No: *all* politicians have to do time in Purgatory - it comes
} with the job. Even Lincoln had to spend a few years there). If Sen.
} Humphrey plays his cards right, he might get nominated to the
} prestigious Penitence Committee, just in time to position himself for
} 2012. (Eisenhower's been Sinner-in Chief since '96 - no term limits
} here - but the souls are getting kind of bored with all the '50s
} nostalgia by now).
}
} By the way, LBJ's decided to stay in retirement for the next few
} centuries: he's got a ranch to run (Purgatory is a lot like Texas, so
} he feels at home there); and besides, he figures that abstaining from
} politics will get him time off for good behavior - at least, as soon as
} everybody finally forgets about Vietnam. (He's planning to leave the
} ranch to W., if the latter is lucky enough to wind up there).
}
} You owe the Oracle a "Greetings From Purgatory!" postcard, autographed
} by Warren G. Harding, Millard Fillmore and Jerry Ford, and addressed to
} Richard Nixon (on fireproof paper, please).


1469-07    (32956 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, I pray you tell me,
> Where a gentle maiden dwelleth
> Named Yum-Yum, the ward of Ko-Ko?
> For pity speak; O speak, I pray you!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle, with profound apologies to Messers Gilbert and Sullivan,
} presents...
}
} The Delphic Oracularities Team as you've never seen them before.
}
} Yum-Yum (Cassie), Peep-Bo (Pythia), Pitti-Sing (Sibyl)
} Three little seers from Greece are we,
} Pert as a augur well can be,
} Filled to the brim with prophecy,
} Three little seers from Greece!
}
} Yum-Yum
} Everything is a source of fun. (Chuckle)
}
} Peep-Bo
} Nobody's safe - I've got my gun! (Chuckle)
}
} Pitti-Sing
} Calm down dear, just have some fun! (Chuckle)
}
} Yum-Yum, Peep-Bo, Pitti-Sing
} Three little seers from Greece!
} Three little seers who, all unwary,
} Come in search of a bloody Mary,
} One of them's armed and very scary
} Three little maids from school!
} Three little maids from school!
}
} Yum-Yum
} One little maid is a bride, Yum-Yum
}
} Peep-Bo
} Strewth Cassie why must you be so dumb?
}
} Pitti-Sing
} Sing along now - don't spoil her fun.
}
} Yum-Yum, Peep-Bo, Pitti-Sing
} Three little seers from Greece!
}
} Yum-Yum
} From three little seers take one away
}
} Peep-Bo
} I'm going to the pub then as you say
} (Peep-Bo departs)
}
} Pitti-Sing
} Keep going Cass, it'll be O.K.
}
} Yum-Yum, Pitti-Sing
} Two little seers from Greece!
}
} Girls
} Two little seers from Greece!
}
} Yum-Yum, Pitti-Sing and girls
} Two little seers who, all unwary,
} Come in search of cooking sherry,
} Freed from the girl who's rude and hairy.
} (Off-stage - "Hey, I heard that")
}
} Yum-Yum, Pitti-Sing
} Two little seers from Greece!
} (Off-stage - "You take that back!  I'm not rude, I'm forthright")
}
} Yum-Yum, Pitti-Sing and girls
} Two little seers from Greece!
} (Off-stage - "Bloody cheek of it." <BELCH>)


1469-08    (16783 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If I changed my name to Wyatt Earp, what do you think my
> chances would be of catching Sandra Bullock on the rebound?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear supplicant:
}
} In the sport of celebrityball, while many players like to adopt
} colorful pseudonyms ("Starbucker", "BelAirtime" and "the Sandlerman"
} are some of the best known), it is more important to concentrate on
} your upper-body strength, your reflexes and, above all, your technique.
}
} As you wish to specialize in the lighter weight class, with such
} celebrities as Ms. Bullock, the Oracle suggests you pay particular
} attention to your footwork. Sandra is well known for her agility and
} liveliness on the field of play; it takes an exceptional athlete to
} get hold of her, much less to keep possession of her all the way to
} the goal line.
}
} (In the heavyweight class, the challenges are much different: your John
} Goodman or Sly Stallone cannot run nearly as fast; but the sheer power
} needed to bring them down and carry them across the field requires
} strenuous weight training. In fact, here was a notorious championship
} match back in '89, when _both_ teams forfeited the game after having
} drawn Marlon Brando in the toss-up.)
}
} Now a rebound catch, such as you describe, is one of the most difficult
} maneuvers in the game. Suppose a member of the opposing team has
} attempted to intercept a pass: Ms. Bullock may use a "kangaroo" play to
} carom off him, using both her legs; and, depending upon their initial
} velocity, and angle of impact, she might be able to launch herself
} into the bleachers for an "offside" time-out. Should you happen to
} be in the way, you could easily be knocked unconscious, or worse.
}
} The secret is to be in the right place at the right time, when her
} momentum is at its lowest. Scoop Sandra up by the waist, and use the
} side carry (you may be vulnerable to sacking from the other side; but
} you run less risk of her using the crotch-kick or face grab defences,
} at which she is expert). Then you can concentrate on reaching the
} end zone.
}
} So before you sign up for the team, do some heavy training in
} wind-sprints and obstacle courses, and practice with dummies (Justin
} Bieber will do, or Pee-wee Herman in a pinch). Before long, you'll
} be playing with the major leagues!
}
} You owe the Oracle seats at the 30-yard line.


1469-09    (3b641 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You must help me. We here in Martinistan now adopt new national
> language devise by Don Martin. Word for water is SPLOOTCH, word for
> machine is GNNG-GNNG-GNNG. Everything sound like what is. That good.
> Trouble is not having Martinistanian written language with own
> alphalphabet. Should be just one single letter for SPLOOTCH, another
> for GNNG-GNNG-GNNG.
>
> Give me these letter by tonight or we make your head ache with noise
> for big headache, KAWHONKA-KAWHONKA.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Help is arrival,
}
} With letter divination my people are quite familiar on a level of
} strange largeness of understanding...here providing first is letter for
} "splootch"
}
}
} and is here second letter for one letter is for wording
} "GNNG-GNNG-GNNG"
}
}
} BE CAUTION FOR HEALTHSAFETY!
}
} if you are not to be writing down in exactness with guidelines we do
} set for your letters' template the results catastrophic are possible
}
} It is with the humble and honorary pleasure I answer you in the name of
} the mighty Oracle
}
} -the unenlightened futter


1469-10    (45763 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O politically astute Oracle:
>
> Of late we often see  members of the Democrat Party Bulveristically
> play the 'race card' - e.g. Jimmy Carter's recent opining that the
> 'deeper reason' for opposing ObamaCare is that they're racist.
>
> Not that the opposite side is much better.  E.g. Neal Boortz's recent
> tack of saying that those in favor of ObamaCare don't actually care
> about health care, they just want power.
>
> What these both have in common is that rather than actually argue on
> the merits or demerits of the actual proposals, they seek to have their
> opponents' arguments ignored or dismissed based on an assertion about
> said opponent's motivations.  And in such an environment, there's
> really no room for actually trying to have a reasoned debate on the
> issues - we're too busy trying to make up bad motivations for our
> opponents to actually try to think.
>
> Will we ever get out of this entrenched Bulverism, or are we doomed to
> point fingers of accusation at each other until the Islamofacists take
> over and subject us all to Sharia law?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Be the change you want to see in the world. Free your own heart of
} racism.
}
} You think the holy Sharia law is wrong because it comes through the
} Arabs and Persians and Turks and Moors and Berbers. Forget about those
} racial distinctions, just think about its merits.
}
} For one thing, once Sharia law is implemented, most of your greedy
} selfish Western politicians will have fewer fingers to point at each
} other.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new scimitar.
}
} As-salM-DM-^Amu `alaykum.


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