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24 Nov 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 14:52:58 GMT

Internet Oracularities #147

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147, 147-01, 147-02, 147-03, 147-04, 147-05, 147-06, 147-07, 147-08, 147-09, 147-10


Usenet Oracularities #147    (12 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 23 Apr 90 17:53:30 -0500

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   100
   2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

147   12 votes 12441 11424 52203 30324 06402 24222 42150 63210 13323 05133
147   2.9 mean  3.2   3.6   2.5   3.3   2.8   2.8   2.6   1.8   3.2   3.3


147-01    (12441 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'll try to make this message terse,
> I cannot help but write in verse,
> My thoughts are not thunk up in rhyme,
> They end up like this every time.
>
> It gets annoying, Oracle, you see,
> Nobody takes me seriously,
> They think I'm a joke, they think I'm a jerk,
> I don't even know how this strange thing does work.
>
> Here's what I do, oh mentor, oh brother,
> I think of a word, that rhymes with no other,
> I come up with a word, for example syzygy,
> but I write it as syzyy, I miss a G.
>
> I've sent you E-mail before (actually twice),
> Asking your vastly intellectual advice,
> You blew me off, not a single reply,
> If you can't help me this time, I'm going to die.
>
> You might not believe this, It's really all true
> Tell me oh Oracle, What can I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Neither B.O. nor dullness
} nor cretinous silly gents
} keep me from replying
} with unwav'ring diligence.
}
} I answer the hackers,
} respond to the greeks,
} reply to "what's up dood?!"
} although it takes weeks.
}
} There's only one thing
} could make me my fans shun,
} & I just gotta tell you
} that pal, it's your scansion.
}
} You owe the Oracle 500 lines of flawless trochaic heptameter.


147-02    (11424 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey!  Oracle!  Dig *me*, man!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm digging you now, and your smelly old feet,
} Your idiot grin and your nose like a beet,
} Your wattles and chins, your fleas and your lice,
} And your seven-foot beard all infested with mice,
} Your teapot-shaped head, your salmon-shaped hands,
} And your quite protuberant sexual glands.
} I'm digging a hole, quite long and quite deep:
} Pray lay yourself down, and drift off to sleep.
}
} (You owe the Oracle a steamshovel to fill the hole in with.)


147-03    (52203 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most high and mighty rad Oracle,
> Who likes to boogy with a country beat,
> Who's a master of rythem and a rock and roll king,
> Who's like a smooth stretch of highway,
> Who's like a cool summer breeze,
> Who's seen the bright lights of Memphis,
> Who's driven every kind of rig that's ever been made,
> Who's driven the backroads so he wouldn't get weighed,
> Answer me this question if you are willin' to:
> Will Little Feat be doing a gig at Waterloo Village this year?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Other capes, other tortillas
}   they chew upon the green pepper of night.
}               often
}             they
}           sleep
}         backwards
}       or       even
}      in         two
}     ways        at
}      the      same
}        time
}
} it is the primary activity of the people who prevent me from seeing
} movies (in their spare time)
}           can letters be copyrighted?
}      how about groups of Los Angeles parents?
}         are they four different people?
}
} do they have hotdogs?
}              cabbages?
}              entertainment?
}              sex lives?
}              hamburgers?
}
} twoatatime twoatatime twoatatime twoatatime twoatatime twoatatime twoata
}    twoatatime    twoatatime    twoatatime    twoatatime    twoatatime
}          twoatatime           twoatatime           twoatatime
}
}
} Are there sexual awakenings in Belgium too?
}                  peepholes?                     massage parlors?
}                  orchids?                 textile industries?
}                  cherubs?            upholstry cleaners?
}                  trouts?        adultery consultants?
}                  fungi?     merchandise removers?
}                  mustard?aluminum siding?
}                        AND
}                        AND
}                        AND
}                        AND
}                        AND
}                        AND
}                        AND
}                        AND
}                        AND
}                     WHAT ABOUT
}                FRIDAY THE THIRTEEN
}                     PART 19231
}                        AND
}                        AND
}                        AND
}                        AND
}                        AND
}                        AND
}                        AND
}                        AND
}                        AND
}                     WHAT ABOUT
}                 SEXUAL INTERCOURSE
}                     WITH ANNIE
}                        AND
}                        AND
}                        AND
}                        AND
}                        AND
}                        AND
}                        AND
}                        AND
}                        AND
}                        AND
}                     WHAT ABOUT
}                  ALL THAT KIND OF
}                       STUFF
}                      ?  ?  ?
}                     ?   ?   ?
}                    ?    ?    ?
}                    ?    ?    ?
}                    ?    ?    ?
}                    ?    ?    ?
}                    ?    ?    ?
}                    ?    ?    ?
}                    ?    ?    ?
}                    ?    ?    ?
}                    ?    ?    ?


147-04    (30324 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh TaurG and ametxud iuorbiosruo iroiuboOrw ,ulhead Hosu oashod so huo I
> awmton-mo-ntowmnomt-oorthoy ot yopt ooytoy oison, pl I usaeaym usabself
> inaf uht y ofef ooyco feoour transfini utint tlTuhoello ehoTleolhloaurG
> and replbaul aro elow ro l olreo,uulsoa olasoulaolsosohrdigdiod
> dondiogddodi os I awmton-mo-ntowmnomt-oorthIy ot yopt oIytoy o ,utsa
> humble flusyminaf uht y ofef ooyco feoour airopmiotproaipoirmontly
> uakaupsnble
>  ellutunbooniyuobnbnoiok tard-quitOh Nna Oudobluo bdoOuboudlo xutalrw
>  ,ulreae Hosu ovshoe so huolry I almoot mo
>  toolmtomo oowlay ot yogt oaytoy o ,lrovulotvro,lvolruo I abase
>  flusyminaf uht y ofef ooyco feoourypeuri om nomoico m oeiunT ohsh ooTc
>  ooshaurG anlisur dieorn tnoa Roo Nnrtole, pl I usaehuym

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dad?  Dad, this is a horrible connection ... Dad! ... Hey Dad, can you
} hear me? ... Stop talking for a minute, Dad, I want to switch phones
} ... Hey Dad, I wanna switch phones ... SHHHHHHHHH Dad ... no Dad that
} wasn't noise that was ME can you hang on a second?  Hey Dad, can you
} hang on a second?  Dad?  Is Mom there?  Is Mom there?  Dad?  Will you
} stop talking for a second? ... Is Mom there? .... Is MOM THERE! ...
} Can you hang on a second, Dad, I wanna switch phones ... I wanna
} switch phones! ... Switch phones! ... Switch phones! ... Mom?  Mom?
} Is that you? ... Mom, I can't hear you, hang on a second ... Hang on a
} second! ... I'm yelling at you because you won't listen for a second!
} I wanna switch phones! ... SWITCH PHONES! ... Who is this? ... Dad?
} Put Mom back on! ... Put Mom on ... MOM ... Put Mom on, Dad! .. Put
}
} [In the interest of net.bandwidth I've edited out 50K of basically
} existential garbage regarding non-communication with the Oracle's
} parents--sk]
}
} wanna switch phones, Dad!  I wanna switch phones!  I wanna ... oh no,
} they hung up.  I better dial them up at their site to talk to them.
}
} Calling parents@home.sweet.com...
}
} >Welcome to parents, a 4.3 BSD Unix system (Your port is %room)
} >Login: oracle
} >Password:
} >
} >Message of the Day:
} >-----------------------------------------------------------------------
} >
} >                            DRINK YOUR MILK!
} >
} >-----------------------------------------------------------------------
} >%who
}
} [In the interest of saving disk space, I've edited out a lot of
} obscure computer semi-humorous references that amount to basically
} piddling around at the % prompt and failing to contact the Oracle's
} parents. -sk]
}
} >%logout
} >
} Disconnected.
}
} Hmm.  Maybe God knows how I can talk to my parents at less than
} prime-time rates.  Hey, God!
}
} >Message from god on ttyp5 at 13:11 ...
} >
}
} [In the interests of those who might find frivolous reference to God
} offensive, this part has been basically deleted. -sk]
}
} Thanks a whole heck of a lot, God!
} My parents may never be found;
} I feel as if I'm a drunken sod;
} I feel like I'm miles underground.
}
} Though my soul is painted with colors of red
} And shattered parentage in orange;
} My soul is depressed and my heart has bled
}
} [In the interests of those who have jobs and are too busy to read
} entire poems, this one has been basically omitted--sk]
}
} Hmm..Let me check my unimaginably huge computer database to see if the
} lifepaths of my parents may be plotted.
}
} >%search <everything >location -kw Dad
}
} [In the interests of keeping you awake and not basically bombarding
} you with fake program output, this section has been omitted.--sk]
}
} Uhm?  Huh?  What?  Wasn't I searching just a moment ago?  Why are all
} these cliche'd answer types, which generally create reams upon reams
} of excellent humor, passing in so short a time?  Am I being censored?
}
} [In the interests of someone else, this section has been omitted,
} basically. --sk]
}
} Why don't I just tell you the answer to your question?  It seems that
}
} [In the interests of you, the questioner, this section has been
} omitted.  The answer basically included a lot of obscure references to
} the "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" by Douglas Adams and made
} basically no sense.  --sk]
}
} You owe^C
}
} [In the interests of the Internal Revenue Service and, basically, my
} ass, the Oracle will be disallowed from demanding payment from
} you.--sk]


147-05    (06402 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Omniscient and All-Telling Oracle, whose hand I am not worthy to
> kiss, whose petard I am not worthy to wash, please answer my plea:  Do I
> have the proper form of address yet?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Pretty much.  Most experienced users of the Oracle prefer to use the
} automatic Oracle address generator, avaiable by anonymous ftp from
} the site smartass.mit.edu, in directory /pub/cheat/oracle.  The program
} contains a relatively complete list of vocabulary words, and around
} a hundred standard sentence formats to plug the vocabulary words into.
} However, the generator does not have any information about the content
} of the words, so sometimes some really stupid ones get generated; you
} have to check them by hand.
}
} Another problem with it is that it doesn't let you put in creative
} misunderstandings of the meanings of words which cause the
} compliment to actually be an insult.  A recent example you may have
} seen was the use of "suppository" for "repository," although I
} decided the questionner merely misunderstood the word for real.
}
} % repeat 5 genoracle
} O most distinguishedly radiant beam of light, whose effervescence boils
} forth like an otherworldy fire, please tell me
} Oh divinely inspired Oracle, whose ankles are like pearls of wisdom,
} please tell me
} Oh most awesomely radiant Oracle, whose breath I am not worthy to kiss,
} please tell me
} O distinguishedly incredible Oracle, whose pearls of wisdom expand
} through the net like quicksand, please tell me
} Oh omniscient and all-telling Oracle, whose hand I am not worthy to
} kiss, whose petard I am not worthy to wash, please tell me
}
} By the way, there is no truth to the rumor that many binaries for
} genoracle have a virus in them, nor that system adminstrators
} all over are on the lookout for a file called "gengrovel".
} Certainly noone at smartass.mit.edu is smart enough to write one.
}
} It is also not true that I have root access on smartass.mit.edu.
}
} You owe the Oracle an analysis of the 100 most frequently used words
} in oracle-questions.


147-06    (24222 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Great Oracle, whose ankle I am not worthy to nuke, whose photon I am
> not worthy to grovel at, please answer my ruby plea:  tell me once more
> the story of the lover who would not castrate an albino gryphon.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let me see if I can dig that one up again...  Thank goodness for grep...
}
} Oh, here it is.  From "Slightly Naughty Myths and Legends":
}
} Reproduced without permission from the author:
}        "The Story of Sonnaliche"
}
} Once, in the forest of Ul Sandure,
} There lived a creature that was most obscure,
} A majestic monster, with bearing regal;
} In back it was lion, in front, an eagle.
} Ul Sandure was the place that it lived in --
} For in fact, this was the gryphon
} Which was the most famous of all that I know;
} His fame accrues from being albino.
} His feathers were white as the whitest marble;
} His eyes were pink, the combination was awful.
}
} One thing more makes him famous forever
} Namely the story of his human lover.
} It seems that this gryphon was oddly soft-spoken
} And when one day a young maiden awoke him
} (Twas accidentally, details do not matter)
} He engaged her with quite pleasant a patter.
} They talked, it extended the length of the day,
} And, at the end, though she would not stay,
} She said she'd return, as this was his wish,
} And parting, she told him her name, Sonnaliche.
}
} They met more often as time went on
} And then one night, she stayed until dawn.
} That morning as she returned to town,
} Upon people's faces she saw only frowns.
} For it seems that a rumor was going around
} That danger lurked in the creature she'd found.
} They didn't know that the creature was fun;
} One thing they did know was how to use guns.
} Someone stopped her and said, "Sonnaliche,
} We wish you had a pet that you kept on a leash."
}
} But since nothing happened to them or their sheep,
} They made no further comments, not even a peep.
} But an uglier rumor was now spreading in town
} That Sonnaliche was seen removing her gown
} As she entered the lair of the gryphon, her friend.
} Cries were heard in town, "This evil must end."
} When she heard just what the talk was about,
} "You are wrong, we do nothing," she said with a shout.
} Said one, "We want a demonstration;
} Here, take this knife, now go and castrate him."
}
} They'd accept nothing less for the life of the beast,
} Sonnaliche went forth, but desiring to cease.
} When she got there she told him what they had said;
} She told him that she did not want him dead.
} The gryphon rolled over to reveal his thing,
} She lost all control, and wrapped in his wings
} The two of them experienced forbidden pleasure.
} Townspeople came, surprising their leisure,
} Killed them both, saying she was a witch;
} Thus ends the sad story of young Sonnaliche.
}
}
} You owe the Oracle an analysis of the rhyme scheme AABBCCDDEF where E
} and F are really lame rhymes.


147-07    (42150 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is there any chance that Barbie Anders would sleep with an Orthodox
> Jewish business major?  If so, how should I go about getting her in bed?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Look, I've had about enough of this.
}
} I haven't had a good question in over a month.
}
} You may have noticed that iuvax was down for a while.  That was because
} I had barricaded myself inside the computer and was finally talked out
} of killing my process by Mr.  Kinzler.  He convinced me that the world
} really appreciated me and that this streak of stupid questions was over.
}
} And then your question appeared in my mailbox.  Go away and never darken
} the Usenet with your presence again.


147-08    (63210 dist, 1.8 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I know of the following net figures:
>
>                       OUR NET FIGURES:
>                       ---------------
>
> Lisa          Net.sex.goddess, our queen
> Barbara       Net.suppleness.goddess
> Regnery       Net.lust.sick.cave.newt
>               Net.sex.god
>               Net.horny.geek
> Mary Ellen    Net.sex.divine.goddess
> Bucky         Net.annoying.figure,
>               Net.gnawing.down.trees.goddess
> Megan         Net.plaid.lady
> Miles         Net.friction.god
> Harry         Net.bad.pun.god
> Biff          Net.strange.sex.god
> Brian         Net.frog.swallower
> Eric          Net.nasty.person
> Hank          Net.stupid.twit
> Barlighu      Net.strange.name.person
> Bruce         Net.small.hockey.player
> Judy          Net.weight.goddess
> Biff          Net.inane.god
> Morley        Net.death.god
> Ronald        Net.senility.god
> Danny-O       Net.stupid.god
> Zonos         Net.star.trek.god
> Eleanor       Net.math.goddess
> Marie         Net.francais.goddess
> Paul          Net.catholic.god (doesn't like to be called it though)
> Vanessa       Net.smile.goddess
>
> Who are the rest?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sam: net.embarrasment.god
} Regnery: net.sex.dreamer.god
} Boogers: net.plastics.god
} Diane: net.levitation.goddess
} Ginger: net.space.case.goddess
} Jill: net.inconstancy.goddess
} John: net.hat.god
} Erika: net.peppermill.goddess
} Elmer: net.harelip.god
} Bill: net.wood.burning.stove.god
} Fiber: net.system.call.god
} Frodo: net.ring.god
} Biffy: net.belly.button.lint.god
} Jocko: net.resume.god


147-09    (13323 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, I need someone to wash my dishes.  It was revealed to me in
> a dream that George Regnery is the best, indeed the only, person capable
> of washing them.  (They're kind of dirty, you see.) How can I possibly
> persuade him to wash them?  Thanks so very,very much.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} HEE-HEE!! I LOVE IT!
}
} >talk regnery@dead.purgatory.com
}
} Hey, George! Did you hear that?
}
} >YES I HEARD IT! C'mon Oracle, have a heart! I'm up to my ass in
}
} Better get that dishwater good'n soapy, George, because here's all
} 7,412 of [name omitted]'s dishes! And guess what! He just loooves
} macaroni and vulcanized cheese!
}
} >(Sob!) Please don't do this to me! I already have 3 1/2 tons of
} >dishwashing to do!
}
} Is there something you'd like to say to me, George?
}
} >m sree
}
} What? I can't hear you, George!
}
} >I said I'm sorry.
}
} And what are you sorry for, George?
}
} >I'm sorry I asked you "How much wood could a woodchuck chuck" 17
} >times.
}
} And...?
}
} >I'm sorry that I did not...open my letters with the praise you
} >deserved.
}
} Gee, I remember it a little more strongly...
}
} >I'm...I'm sorry that I compared your inner workings to the kernal of
} >a Commodore 64.
}
} That's more like it.
}
} >Then I can leave?!!
}
} With such a heartfelt apology, what can I say, but...
} You missed a spot! BWAH-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!
}
} >YOU SON OF A ^C
}
} You owe the Oracle nothing. You've already made his day.


147-10    (05133 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      O great omniscient Oracle, who can save the universe many times
> fold:  We've noticed with all the attention put towards global warming,
> there has been a neglect of a more serious dilemma-universal cooling.
> In the last 17 billion years, the universe has cooled from 7615K to
> 2.77K.  This means in less than three million years, all matter will
> cease to function from cold.  What can we as citizens of the universe do
> to prevent this horror?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Many years ago the Oracle stumbled upon this problem and realised that,
} if he wanted his paychecks to keep on coming, he better do something to
} prevent the total end of all existence as we know it.  Towards this end
} I brought together a crack team of scientists, engineers, philosophers,
} theologians, artists, schemers, and complete loonies to try and solve
} the problem.  Why don't we check in with them and see if they've come up
} with anything?
}
} [The Oracle gets up from his chair and heads over to a completely normal
} looking bookcase.]
}
} Turn around and close your eyes, and don't open them until I tell you
} to.
}
} [Stage Directions Omitted]
}
} Now, let's see that secret......memmphlsg....dhgyh....dmdmmmblblblb...
} OK, you can turn around now, and open your eyes.
}
} [You see a completely normal bookcase except for this large opening
} where you are sure some shelves used to be]
}
} Come this way.....
}
} [The Oracle takes a candle from one of many hanging on the wall, and the
} two of you had down into the deep, dark recesses of the secret passage
} behind the Oracles bookcase]
}
} Hey!  Narrator!  You weren't supposed to say where it was.
}
} [Oh yeah.  Sorry about that Oracle.]
}
} See that it doesn't happen again.
}
} [As you walk down the steps, you come upon a large steel door.]
}
} Now, I give the secret knock!  Knock, Knock, Knock-knock-knock.  [The
} Old Shave-and-a-Haircut]
}
} Narrator!!!!
}
} [Sorry Oracle.  The Unseen Narrator has a sheepish look which you can't
} see.]
}
} (Knock, Knock)
}
} [Another Knock from the other side of the door.  (Psst.  It was two
} bits.)]
}
} I heard that!
}
} [The Door opens, and on the other side is Professor Isaac Isenstein,
} head of the Oracle's secret research team.]
}
} Prof.  Isaac:  Ach, Oracle, Ve vere not expecting you.
}
} Oracle:  I just thought I'd drop by and see how the research was going.
} May we come in?
}
} Prof.  Isaac:  Vy certainly, Sir.
}
} [You walk through the door and on the other side is something you hardly
} expected ever to see in a science lab.  No, no, no, get your mind out of
} the gutter, it's sunlight.  Professor Isenstein takes you over to a
} giant glass he has on one side of the lab.]
}
} Prof.  Isaac:  Ve have already solved ze problem, you zee, we just need
} to vork out ze engineering part.  Ze theory is simple, ze shall use zis
} magnifying glass to magnify ze heating power of ze sun, thus varming ze
} universe.
}
} Oracle:  That's great!  How are you going to launch it?
}
} Prof.  Isaac:  For zat, you must ask Mr.  McScott.
}
} Oracle:  Ok, thanks.
}
} [You head down the corridor towards engineering.]
}
} Oracle:  Mr.  McScott!  How goes the project?
}
} McScott:  Och, Faith and Begorah, we are currently building our launch
} vehicle.  It's right over here, behind this curtain.
}
} [Mr.  McScott pulls a cord and the curtain behind him slides away,
} revealing, a giant, wooden catapult.]
}
} McScott:  This is what we're going to use to launch the magnifying glass
} out into space to orbit around the sun, thus magnifying it's heat...
}
} Oracle:  Yes, yes, Professor Isenstein already informed us of the
} theory.  Glad to hear you guys finally got everything all taken care of.
}
} [I'm impressed.]
}
} Oracle:  You shut up.
}
} There you have it, you don't have to do anything but wait, we at Oracle
} Labs already have everything under control.
}
} You owe the Oracle a very, very, very large spring.


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