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Internet Oracularities #1471

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1471, 1471-01, 1471-02, 1471-03, 1471-04, 1471-05, 1471-06, 1471-07, 1471-08, 1471-09, 1471-10


Internet Oracularities #1471    (26 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 06 Sep 2010 21:52:36 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1471
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1471  26 votes 48851 89621 3b840 3a832 39833 14777 237b3 24b72 147a4 23795
1471  3.0 mean  2.7   2.2   2.5   2.7   2.8   3.6   3.4   3.1   3.5   3.5


1471-01    (48851 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You used to inspire awe, but now it's fear (but in a good way).
>
> What do you want for your next birthday?  Remember you can finally
> drink legally when it happens.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, I can drink legally, so I have decided to quit drinking. It's not
} fun anymore. I'll have a coke, chips and we can all meet at 4:20


1471-02    (89621 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If I want to be Cool, what foreign languages should I learn?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Really, really waaaaaaaaay cool is to stick to English but become an
} interpreter of the poems of William Topaz McGonagall.
}
} http://www.mcgonagall-online.org.uk/
}
} You owe the Oracle one ticket good for unlimited avoidances of your
} performances.


1471-03    (3b840 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, how do I install BNA Fixed Asset Management?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You need to send to Oracle Your credit card number, Your PIN code,
} name of Your mother and/or Your favorite pet. Then You need to
} double-click the installer icon and follow the instructions.
}
} You don't owe Oracle anything this time.
}
} P.S. Read whole license!


1471-04    (3a832 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I took your advice, and she laughed in my face.  Did I follow wrongly,
> or was this just for your own amusement?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sorry 'bout that. I mixed up the answer to your question with my advice
} to Dana Carvey on how to resuscitate his career. Looks like it was spot
} on.
}
} My advice to you was: use roofies.
}
} You owe me nothing. And I've signed you up for a year's free supply of
} ProActiv.


1471-05    (39833 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hi, Orrie. I'm a gander. I've heard that laying eggs is good
> for geese, and that a goose might explode if it holds it in.
> So is laying eggs good for me as well? Because I've been
> having lots of trouble laying eggs. Am I egg-constipated or
> something? I don't want to explode like Elvis! What should I
> do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Thats odd... not laying eggs you say?
} I've only seen this happen once before...
} In about a week, you will lay something, but it will not be an egg.
} This may horrify you, but you are about to lay an omelet.
} For your convenience, I've included an Omelet FAQ:
}
} 1. What is an Omelet?
}
} An omelette or omelet is a dish made from murdered eggs quickly cooked
} with butter or oil, sometimes folded around a filling such as cheese,
} vegetables, meat (often ham), or some combination of the above.
}
} 2. Why do I have one inside me????
}
} Omelets are summoned when a cow moos during a lunar eclipse while
} aliens land on fifth moon of Saturn.
}
} 3. GET IT OUT!!! GET IT OUT!!!! GET IT OUT!!!
}
} The only way to remove an omelet is by "laying" it. Laying an omelet is
} a difficult and painful process that can last years. Its recommended
} you try exploding to avoid this.
}
} 4. Exploding???? Won't I die????
}
} Yes, yes you will.
}
} ----------------------------------------------------
} Goodbye. To conclude I'd like to wish you the best of luck.


1471-06    (14777 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Yes!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Splendid!  Now just sign and date here, here, here, here, and over
} there - good - thumbprint here - excellent.  Yes, that is blood; Legal
} insists on it.  Don't let it worry you.  Here's your payment and
} receipt; please remember that the sale is final and irreversible.
}
} Now go enjoy your profits!  It's not like you were using the thing
} anyway.


1471-07    (237b3 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Many thanks for your help, Oracle.  You didn't solve a single one of my
> problems, but you helped me to laugh at them, and realize that they
> weren't all that big.  Thanks again!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm afraid you misunderstood me.
}
} Your troubles seem insignificant beside the large and increasing pile
} of tribute you owe me.
}
} You owe the Oracle double next month.


1471-08    (24b72 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How can I get 100 australian dollars without working for more than half
> an hour?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant come to Orrie today.
} He's a man at work, wants better pay.
} He ask:  "Half an hour, make a hundred quid?"
} I look at him, say "Depends what you did."
}
} I say: "Need a job in the land down under?
} Stockbroker?  Expert plumber?
} Rob a bank if you're feeling dumber?
} Then you better run, you better take cover..."
}
} You owe the Oracle one (1) flute solo.


1471-09    (147a4 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The fossil record has no transitional forms, but it does
> show a lot of marine life fossils that occur on land, which
> points to a recent global flood (fossils can form rapidly,
> there is even a fossilized cowboy boot. That is not millions
> of years old). So it turns out the fossil record actually
> provides evidence against evolution and in favor of a
> young earth.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, I so wish you had asked me a question. But that's your problem, not
} mine. I could have given you so much, so very much evidence for the
} evolution of the cowboy and his boot. How it started out with not
} enough heel, and the foot was slipping through the stirrup, and all the
} proto-cowboys and their proto-boots that got dragged to death before
} they could breed. And all about how the cowboys (and their boots)
} survived the Flood by being so tall, and not needing Noah, or even
} Moses, or the Ark of the Convenient.
}
} But you didn't ask. Your loss, not mine.
}
} Sometime, just to see what you get, ask me about Moses and the Ark of
} the Convenient.


1471-10    (23795 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> hi Orrie, my descendants are doing things that I think are
> horrible! But I was cremated and my ashes dumped at sea. Can
> I still manage to roll over in my grave? If so, how? This is
> very important to me.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are now a Marine Corpse. As you know, the Marines always get things
} done. No less can be expected of you. Your disassociation into tiny
} particles merely spreads your abilities wider.
}
} Once a Corpse, always a Corpse!


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