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Internet Oracularities #1472

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1472, 1472-01, 1472-02, 1472-03, 1472-04, 1472-05, 1472-06, 1472-07, 1472-08, 1472-09, 1472-10


Internet Oracularities #1472    (29 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 06 Oct 2010 07:30:26 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1472
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1472  29 votes 14f63 15ca1 17b64 17966 16a66 027e6 3d922 1a864 249a4 1c844
1472  3.2 mean  3.2   3.2   3.2   3.3   3.3   3.8   2.6   3.1   3.3   2.9


1472-01    (14f63 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ahhh, the eternal blank question.
}
} It's so fortunate that all my supplicants, even the most vulgar and the
} most inept, are able to provide me with unerring snapshots of their
} minds.
}
} In your case, for instance, a shadow of emptiness looms like a great,
} looming thing over a more substantial, yet equally mystifying and empty
} hollow of emptiness, within which lies the hearth-wretching and
} abysmally exquisite residence of nothing at all.
}
} You don't owe the Oracle a damned thing.


1472-02    (15ca1 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please give me an education?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Here is an education in economics.
}
} You owe the Oracle $85,272, payable immediately.


1472-03    (17b64 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> They've locked the closet which is where the aspirin was
> kept. I'm not sure if they moved it somewhere or what, but
> I have a bit of a headache. Please will that it go away.
> Thanks.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Take this hammer and hit your thumb with it. The headache will vanish.
}
} When you drop the hammer it will land on your foot, so your thumb won't
} hurt much, either.


1472-04    (17966 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Answering a sentence fragment?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hardly.


1472-05    (16a66 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me more.  I want to learn about this fascinating subject.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, OK.
}
} You see, it was their singular lack of joints in the legs, along with
} strongly habitual behaviour, that allowed them to be hunted to
} extinction.  Lying down to sleep is an awkward proposition for a large
} quadruped with stiff legs, and getting back up is problematic - so
} usually they would pick a favourite tree and lean against it all
} night.  This would leave a characteristic wear impression in the bark,
} which northwoods loggers quickly learned to identify, and would often
} cause the tree to lean conspicuously.  On finding such a tree, the
} common practice was to cut most of the way through it from the low
} side of the base, but leave it standing.  When the hugag returned, it
} (and the tree) would fall with a resounding crash, alerting the
} loggers, who would easily overcome the helpless creature.  A single
} hugag would often supply a whole logging camp with stew meat for
} weeks.
}
} You owe the Oracle a live squonk.  Saltwater will not be accepted as a
} substitute.


1472-06    (027e6 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have noticed a tendency in newswriting 2 use numerals in place of
> spelled-out numbers. For instance, 1 suspect was arrested 2 days after
> the crime while 2 more were arrested 3 days after, leading 2 a total
> of 3 suspects held 4 charges. Imagine the possibilities. Reporting of
> who 8 what at the mayor's 4some be4 the 10is match could be topped
> only by the drinks, even if be9, and the story about the mayor's 1 son
> who 1 the match and how he broke his 2th during his 4hand shot.
>
> How can we defend ourselves against this plague of digits?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Simple.  We must build upon the legacy of Victor Borge and inflate
} this misuse-of-language to the point where it becomes more economical
} to spell things out properly.  Clearly this cannot be done simply by
} adding one to each digit, but doubling is a fine place to start.
}
} We could begin fourday - cresixteening words never heard beeight - and
} wsixteen to see results fourmorrow.  We could then quadruple again
} until we twelveceed in zeroing in on the intwentyded outcome, putting
} the newswriters behind the sixteen ball and leaving them, if you will,
} fourthless.  When they are no longer able four use numerals in this
} asieighteen way, we'll know we've two - though perhaps by that time it
} will be five hundred twelve.
}
} You owe the Oracle a question he hasn't heard b4.


1472-07    (3d922 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Sing along with me!  (Mostly because I don't sing well, and you make
> me look good, but here goes:)
>
> They were the very first one,
> And from them came a curs'd one.
> I s'pose they weren't the worst one:
> Adam's family.
>
> Thanks for the singing.  Now, my question: How would a good second
> verse go?  (And a third if you're up to it.)  I came up with it in
> middle school, but I could never get a second verse.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} While I cannot think of a second verse, I see a potential for this
} to become a hit pop single.
}
} The wisdom of the Oracle reveals:
}
} HOW TO MAKE A HIT POP SONG:
} 1. Get an annoying 15-year old, or even better an annoying band made
}    up of only 16-years to sing this. Make them all males who have yet
}    to reach puberty. That is the key to success
} 2. Repeat the same word over and over in the chorus. In fact make the
}    chorus only one word repeated over and over.
} 3. Make the first part short and not understandable. Re-arrange words
}    at random. Have your singer mumble the words. If you can understand
}    the lyrics, throw one of the following words in at random: "love"
}    "baby" "dang" or "hey"
} 4. Finally, for the 2nd verse, just repeat the first verse, only with
}    the words in reverse order.
} 5. After that just repeat the chorus three more times.
}
}  Here is your finished song:
}
} Were they the first love one?
} And cursed them from come kids
} Hey one suppose they weren't the I worst!
}
} (chorus)
}
} ADAM! ADAM! ADAM! Family!
} ADAM! ADAM! ADAM!
} ADAM! ADAM! Family!
} ADAM! ADAM! ADAM! ADAM! ADAM! ADAM!
}
} Worst I the weren't they suppose one.
} Hey kids, come from them cursed.
} And one love first the they were!!!!
}
} (repeat chorus x3)
}
} You owe the oracle Justin Bieber.


1472-08    (1a864 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> So when you teach children that they are nothing more than
> highly evolved animals and that life has no transcendent
> meaning, then WHAT EFFECT DO YOU THINK THIS WOULD HAVE ON
> THEIR MORALITY ???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, Orrie Junior is 7 and his idea of prehistory mostly
} revolves around plastic dinosaurs eating fire trucks, while
} his theological and philosophical conceptions mostly deal
} with milk, cookies and presents (as in big plastic dinosaurs).
} I can't really extrapolate if he will grow up to be a very
} religious or ethical person, which is something only an
} adult can really be, but I can tell you that whatever he
} understands about evolution has so far had no adverse effect
} on his punctuation or capitalization, which I would take
} as early warning signs of an education gone wrong.
}
} You owe the Oracle to ponder whether evolution really implies
} that there is no transcendent meaning to human life.


1472-09    (249a4 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> OUTPUT "Oh, great Oracle who is "
> FOR i = 1 to 10,000
>   OUTPUT "so "
> NEXT i
> OUTPUT "amazing!"
>
> Please hear my question:
>  I know things are somewhat rocky between you and Thor.  How are things
>  between you and the Flying Spaghetti Monster?
>
> As payment, I offer to write an iPhone app to broadcast your
> Oracularity wit and wisdom far and wide.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Saucy.


1472-10    (1c844 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How far away is the Moon?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Unfortunately Jackie Gleason and Audrey Meadows' grant money ran out
} before they were able to complete the experiment.
}
} You owe the Oracle a cybernetic fist and a 10 billion foot long tape
} measure.


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