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Internet Oracularities #1473

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1473, 1473-01, 1473-02, 1473-03, 1473-04, 1473-05, 1473-06, 1473-07, 1473-08, 1473-09, 1473-10


Internet Oracularities #1473    (21 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 29 Oct 2010 14:59:54 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1473
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1473  21 votes 16275 32835 04a61 17850 08850 25752 14b50 38361 47541 47541
1473  2.9 mean  3.4   3.2   3.2   2.8   2.9   3.0   3.0   2.7   2.6   2.6


1473-01    (16275 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Our 777-year mission:
>   - To fight the unfightable,
>   - To right the unrightable,
>   - To think the unthinkable,
>   - To sink the unsinkable,
>   - To beat the unbeatable,
>   - To eat the un... oops, inedible.
>   - To answer the unanswerable,
>   - To touch the untouchable,
>   - To flush the unflushable,
>
> I just flushed the unflushable. How are you doing with the rest of it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lets see here...
}
} Fighting the Unfightable: This one left me a lot of wriggle room, so I
} decided to fight intangibles. Like the American tendency to believe
} whatever anyone tells them on television or on the internet without
} bothering to verify the information for themselves. I find this
} behaviour pattern tends to peak during election years. So what I'm
} thinking is outlawing elections, and banning both television and the
} internet. This won't affect me as a) I'm not elected, and b) I'm not
} dependent on silly electronic media for communicating with lower beings
} such as yourself.
}
} Righting the Unrightable: That one was easy: I just went 'round and
} removed every "No Right Turn" sign on the planet. Done. Of course, the
} resulting grid-lock in places like London was interesting....
}
} Thinking the Unthinkable: That's part of my job-description anyway, so
} done.
}
} Sinking the Unsinkable: I'm sure you've heard of the Titanic, yes?
}
} Beating the Unbeatable: This one took some doing, but when was the last
} time you remember Germany winning a war? WWI? Nope. WWI? Nope.
} Napoleon? Lets not joke. They used to be the best soldiers ever. Now...
} not so much. So I may have gotten that one licked.
}
} Eating the Inedible: Do you have any idea how many minions send me food
} as a way of thanking me for answering their silly questions? And do you
} have any idea of how few humans actually know how to cook? DAMN FEW
} that's how many! Most (especially in western nations) seem to think
} that "Cooking" is taking something out of the freezer, putting it in
} the microwave, and zapping it. That's not cooking. But at least it's
} (more or less) edible. But no. That's not what they send me! They try
} to home-cook me something. And usually it's not only inedible, but
} unidentifiable! So... I'm still working on this one.
}
} Answering the Unanswerable: Again, this is part of my job, and I do it
} all day long. There are NO unanswerable questions when you're the
} Oracle. So I've got this one completely licked, and have for
} (literally) eons.
}
} Touch the Untouchable: There's nothing I can't touch. Including M.C.
} Hammer. Can't touch this my ass!
}
} Flushing... you seem to have handled that one. But I hope you have a
} plunger ready since I suspect that's gonna be another unsinkable.
}
} You owe the Oracle an itemized, chronological list of all of the things
} that humanity has tried (and failed) to do over the millenia,
} cross-referenced by date, country, and person making the attempt. Since
} this promises to be a HUGE list, I want it in volumes (bound in
} leather) by century. And I want each volume to arrive, like clockwork,
} on the first of the month. You might need a staff to help you with
} this. Paying them is up to you. Better get moving.


1473-02    (32835 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> But what if?  That's all I'm asking.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If God had a name, what would it be?
} >God -is- his name.  It's also Allah, Jehovah, and a bunch of other
} >things that are tough to spell.
}
} And would you call it to his face?
} >Sure, why not?
}
} If you were faced with him in all his glory, what would you ask if you
} had just one question?
} >Nothing, I'm omniscient.  I might ask him how his day is going, but
} >just to be polite.
}
} What if God was one of us?
} >Well then he wouldn't really be God, now would he?
}
} Just a slob like one of us?
} >He actually is kind of a slob.. Have you seen the basecode for the
} >universe?  It's a complete mess.
}
} Just a stranger on the bus, trying to make his way home?
} >He usually teleports.  If he's taking the bus, there's probably a good
} >reason for it.
}
} If God had a face what would it look like?
} >Suspiciously like George Murdock (hint, Google is your friend)
}
} And would you want to see if seeing meant that you would have to
} believe in things like heaven and in Jesus and the saints and all the
} prophets?
} >Sure, why not?  Seeing is believing, no?  I mean, if it's true, I'd
} >want to believe it.
}
} What if God was one of us?
} >Asked and answered.
}
} Just a slob like one of us?
} >Why are you repeating yourself?  I already told you.
}
} Just a stranger on the bus, trying to make his way home?
} >Knock it off.  You're getting annoying.
}
} What if god was one of us?
} >Are you serious right now?
}
} Just a slob like one of us?
} >I'm warning you.
}
} Just a stranger on the bus trying to make his way home?
} >That's it!  **ZOT**
}
} You owe the oracle 10,000 spoons.


1473-03    (04a61 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Look, it's time for another of those get-it-back scenarios. Remember
> when I asked you how to break into Professor Flotsnoddle's office so I
> could replace the crap I'd copied from the frat-house files with a
> good paper that I stole from the genius who lived down the hall? And
> you told me--oh, I forget what you told me--it doesn't matter. I
> flunked. Changed majors, changed schools.
>
> Now here I am at the Colorado School of Mimes. Not Mines, Mimes. I'm
> majoring in Nocturnal Aviation. My Globual Studies prof, Dr. Maria
> Stunbarger, wanted a paper on the Mongols and Mongolia.
>
> My paper is on the Mongrols in Mongolia, all about their unpedigreed
> dogs. I think it's a terrible mistake, and I've gotta replace it in
> her files tonight (with stuff I stole from Wikipedia) before she reads
> it this coming weekend. Stunbarger's office door has a Simplex
> vertical five-button combination lock. I already tried the default
> (which is 2-4, 3) because many people don't bother setting a new
> combination, but she'd obviously put in a new one. What a paranoid!
>
> What's the combination?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The supplicant paused...
}
} Something wasn't right here. The Oracle had given him the combination
} - and it worked. The door lock had clicked quietly and the door swung
} ever so slightly open.
}
} But a sixth sense was warning him not to open the door. Some quiet
} voice inside him was whispering that this was a very bad idea and that
} failing would be a better option.
}
} But a paper is a paper, and so the door was pushed open. And there was
} Dr. Stunbarger. And Mr Waldstein, the janitor. Oh, and Dave from IT.
} And what looked like old Mrs Winchley from the canteen... Naked.
}
} As he lost conciousness and fainted clean away... He finally realised
} why the Oracle had asked for a pint of mental bleach and amnesia pills
} in tribute.
}
} Still, at least the blackmail potential to hold over the staff would
} get him through the course fine.


1473-04    (17850 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oi Orrie,
>
> What is short, round, with a hole in center and has women flocking to
> it? I do hope u like puzzles...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You waste the oracle's time with puzzles? The Oracle's talents are not
} to be squandered on such inconsequential matters. Why don't I ever get
} questions about how to balance the budget, or bring peace to the Middle
} East, or give Pluto planet status again without creating an unwieldy
} and inconsistent system of astronomical nomenclature?
}
} But no. It's all "How can you tell if there are four elephants in your
} refrigerator?", "Why does a dog wear more clothes in the summer than in
} the winter?", and, "What did the Senator from Palau say when asked how
} he'd like his steak?". Frivolity will be the death of us all, I swear.
}
} If you want to know the answer to your question, go watch Indiana Jones
} and the Temple of Doom. Me, I'm going to sob quietly in the corner for
} the future of mankind.
}
} You owe the oracle a hanky.


1473-05    (08850 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O, Great and Wise Internet Oracle whose merest glance makes hearts to
> sing and pulses to go all wibby-wobbely, please heed and answer my
> question!
>
> Is it as much fun to tip over sleeping Senators as it is to tip over
> sleeping cows?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh Supplicant,
}
} It is far more fun.  One time, a group of us got really hammered and
} we tipped Strom Thurmond.  Well, he got back on his feel and,
} supplicant, you wouldn't believe how fast he ran away!  You really
} wouldn't think that a mortal who is almost two hundred years old would
} be able to move like that.  But he did.
}
} We came back the next night and did it again, but this time he had a
} shotgun close by.  Well, I'm immortal, so it didn't bother me, we just
} laughed and laughed.  Man, he was so angry.. But I don't know that I'd
} suggest it for you, though.  At least not without a good flak jacket.
}
} You owe me a video of yourself going Glen Beck tipping.  Just post it
} to youTube.


1473-06    (25752 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
> I wish to do something completely altruistic.  The problem is that I
> can't seem to do so.  No matter what I do, I always seem to get
> something (no matter how small) out of it - so it's never *completely*
> altruistic.  For example:
>
> # If I give money to charity, I feel good about myself, so it's really
> a selfish act. # If I help an old lady cross the street, I encounter
> the same problem. # If I dedicate my life to missionary work, even if
> I am miserable, I do it because I am happy believing God will reward
> me. # If I give away all my personal possessions to some bum and take
> no credit, even if we discount possible benefits from heavenly rewards
> or karma, I would still be happy that I accomplished the task of doing
> something purely altruistic and, thus, I would have to admit that it
> was a selfish act.
>
> And so on and so on.
>
> Oh great sage of the interwebs, how do I solve this conundrum?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Start by giving the Oracle all your money and worldly possessions. If
} you still feel good about yourself after that, you may become the
} Oracle's personal unpaid servant.
}
} You owe the Oracle everything.


1473-07    (14b50 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Did people ever make fun of Polycarp by calling him Polycrap?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, once.
}
} Crap, as you well know, is an English word.  Polycarp was born in the
} year 69 AD in Smyrna (modern day M-DM-0zmir), in Greece.  English had
} not been invented yet.  And even if it had, it wouldn't have been
} spoken in Greece.  And even if it was, the word "crap" derives from
} Thomas Crapper, the inventor of the modern flush toilet in the 1800's.
} So, prior to then, the pun would have been meaningless.
}
} But I did say that someone made fun of him this way once.  It was me.
} In anticipation of this question 1,900 years later, I walked into his
} home and called him "polycrap" on October 22, 110.  He politely asked
} me to show myself out - I don't think he was amused.
}
} You owe me many carp.


1473-08    (38361 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What are the roots of Obama's rage?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Despite your lack of respect and awe for the power of the Oracle, the
} Oracle shalt answer:
}
} Blonde.


1473-09    (47541 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Sometimes I get some really weird answers, huh.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sort of like watching Kukla, Fran and Ollie, right? Gotta love those
} 1950's TV shows.


1473-10    (47541 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} So you couldn't think of anything either, huh?
}
} You owe the Oracle an idea.


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