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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do Americans so consistently vote against their own interests?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They want bread and circuses, they vote for bread and circuses. Hang } the consequences.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do > > Loop

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle recommends you speak up. } } I said, the Oracle recommends you speak up! } } Louder! } } LOUDER! } } I CAN'T HEAR YOU! } } Etc.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Will I stay in this career until I retire? > > Sent from Mary's iPhone

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well Bob, stealing iPhones is not really a career, per say. } } I suggest you give it back to Mary and find yourself a real job.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I ran out of ducks, so what's the difference between a goose?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm. A difficult question. } } Taste wise, duck is more....gameygreasy. (A difficult flavor to } describe wild, and greasy, but not like a cheap hamburger... ) Goose is } more fatty than greasy. } } Temperament wise, geese are the devil. They. Will. KILL. YOU. } Ducks will try, but....they're too small, really.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Orrie, ya gotta help me again. I know that last time wasn't no help but > that's becuz I was tooo late. > > I way sposed to write a paper describing the uvula for biology class, > and (wise-guy that I am) I wrote up about the vulva instead and the > teacher said take it back and do it right. So I wrote up about the > vuvloozoolula, that awwwful African football horn and handed it in, out > of spite. He's not started to read it yet. He just locked it in his > briefcase. > > Now I've thought better of it, and I want to break into the biology > teacher's office and steal the paper back and replace it with a good > one. We gotta hurry, though. Here's what I need: > > 1. The combination to the security lock on his office door. > > 2. Same for his briefcase. > > 3. A paper about the uvula. > > And don't give me none of that crap about the cure worse than the > disease or out of the frying pan into the fire like you did last time. > You are so SOOPER-DOOPER SMART you can see how to get me out of every > kind of difficulty, no matter what. > > I'd grovel more but I'm out of time. Besides, I'm lousy at so many > things, and that includes grovelling. Not like you and your > magnificence.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ] look } } THE HALL BEFORE THE PROFESSOR'S OFFICE } Blood from the army of secretaries you defeated seep in from the north } and to the south lies a simple unassuming door upon which a plaque } states that this is the office of Dr. C. Ache. } } ] open door } } it won't budge, you must enter the combination } } ] inventory } } You are carrying: }      a small rubber hose }      a hunting knife }      a piece of paper } } ] examine paper } } it says "56 - 54 - 51" } } ] enter combo } } you cannot enter combo } } ] examine door } } it's a common wood door with a plaque on it } } *thirty lines of grammatical ambiguity later* } } ] change combination to 56 - 54 - 51 } } The lock clicks and the door slides open. } } ] south } } THE ACTUAL OFFICE } Dr. C Aches' office is straight out of the seventies with wood } panelling decorating every wall. A desk sits in the centre. } } ] search desk } } You find nothing of interest } suddenly the door re-opens and the professor stands before you. } } ] examine professor } } He is carrying a black briefcase. } } ] take briefcase } } he puts up a struggle } } ] kill the professor } } with what? } } ] kill professor with knife } } you cut out a piece of C. Ache } } ] take briefcase } } taken. } } ] open case } } @ z-machine error, resorting to most likely value for BOOL::LOCKED } it's already open. } } ] search briefcase } } you find your paper. } } ] take paper } } you already have the piece of paper } } *thirty more lines of grammatical ambiguity later* } } ] xyzzy } } Suddenly a being from the fourth dimension appears to grant you one } wish. What will it be? } } ] request paper on uvulas } } the being requires matter in order to transmute a paper on uvulas } } ] offer piece of paper } } that isn't enough } } ] offer piece of C. Ache } } A glowing mass of light explodes in the office as the divine } transformation occurs. When the light subsides the essay lies on the } desk. } } ] take essay. } } taken, boy was that a piece of cake } } ] give to professor } } he takes it happily in his state of shock. } } *** YOU HAVE ONE *** } } You have earned 143 points out of a possible 158, giving you a rank of } "down to the wire" } --- } } you owe the oracle an infocom game from this century that doesn't suck

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What will be the name of the girl i marry?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Listen, I know you are on your deathbed, and don't have much time to } find someone to inherit your fortune, but you should still have } memorized that before the wedding, or at least paid attention to that } question the priest just asked you.  Or even better: change your will, } and leave it all to the Oracle.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Shazam.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Zot. } } I win again.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If Adam had never eaten the fruit, then would cryptography > ever have been developed?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, without fruit, no death. Without death, no crypts. Without } crypts, no reason to decorate them. } } You owe the Oracle to take a bite of this here punplum. Askme for it, } and you shall be like me, not knowing the difference between good and } bad jokes anymore.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> United we stand!  Divided we fall!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The wise Oracle has pondered deeply upon your submission. Meditating } under the waterfalls of Time itself, he speaks thus: } } Consider the humble domino. On it's own it stands tall and proud, a } basilisk on the table, however once knocked it will fall on it's face } and lie there in a pathetic state like a downed king or a ruin from the } past. } } But gather them en masse, line them up, create giant swirls and } patterns, each one standing tall amongst it's brothers, an army of } pillars. Now knock one, watch the ripples spread, the patterns coming } alive with the movement of thousands of individuals. } } Finally when the dust settles and the spectacle is at an end, examine } those dominoes and you will note that while each has bowed against } another, none will have fallen. } } You now have your answer, go forth and savor it. Take the afternoon and } the night, consider from every angle, that you may understand it in } full.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My anus is itchy, can you please lend a finger and scratch it > for me? Thanks, pal.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} After this unfortunate incident, Edward Scissorhands became much more } selective about what favors he did for people.