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Internet Oracularities #1474

Goto:
1474, 1474-01, 1474-02, 1474-03, 1474-04, 1474-05, 1474-06, 1474-07, 1474-08, 1474-09, 1474-10


Internet Oracularities #1474    (23 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 20 Dec 2010 09:02:10 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1474
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1474  23 votes 4e410 67820 31b53 5b430 34655 28571 35942 02b73 25943 13766
1474  2.9 mean  2.1   2.3   3.2   2.2   3.2   2.9   2.9   3.5   3.0   3.6


1474-01    (4e410 dist, 2.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do Americans so consistently vote against their own interests?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They want bread and circuses, they vote for bread and circuses. Hang
} the consequences.


1474-02    (67820 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do
>
> Loop

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle recommends you speak up.
}
} I said, the Oracle recommends you speak up!
}
} Louder!
}
} LOUDER!
}
} I CAN'T HEAR YOU!
}
} Etc.


1474-03    (31b53 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Will I stay in this career until I retire?
>
> Sent from Mary's iPhone

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well Bob, stealing iPhones is not really a career, per say.
}
} I suggest you give it back to Mary and find yourself a real job.


1474-04    (5b430 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I ran out of ducks, so what's the difference between a goose?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm. A difficult question.
}
} Taste wise, duck is more....gameygreasy. (A difficult flavor to
} describe wild, and greasy, but not like a cheap hamburger... ) Goose is
} more fatty than greasy.
}
} Temperament wise, geese are the devil. They. Will. KILL. YOU.
} Ducks will try, but....they're too small, really.


1474-05    (34655 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Orrie, ya gotta help me again. I know that last time wasn't no help but
> that's becuz I was tooo late.
>
> I way sposed to write a paper describing the uvula for biology class,
> and (wise-guy that I am) I wrote up about the vulva instead and the
> teacher said take it back and do it right. So I wrote up about the
> vuvloozoolula, that awwwful African football horn and handed it in, out
> of spite. He's not started to read it yet. He just locked it in his
> briefcase.
>
> Now I've thought better of it, and I want to break into the biology
> teacher's office and steal the paper back and replace it with a good
> one. We gotta hurry, though. Here's what I need:
>
> 1. The combination to the security lock on his office door.
>
> 2. Same for his briefcase.
>
> 3. A paper about the uvula.
>
> And don't give me none of that crap about the cure worse than the
> disease or out of the frying pan into the fire like you did last time.
> You are so SOOPER-DOOPER SMART you can see how to get me out of every
> kind of difficulty, no matter what.
>
> I'd grovel more but I'm out of time. Besides, I'm lousy at so many
> things, and that includes grovelling. Not like you and your
> magnificence.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ] look
}
} THE HALL BEFORE THE PROFESSOR'S OFFICE
} Blood from the army of secretaries you defeated seep in from the north
} and to the south lies a simple unassuming door upon which a plaque
} states that this is the office of Dr. C. Ache.
}
} ] open door
}
} it won't budge, you must enter the combination
}
} ] inventory
}
} You are carrying:
}      a small rubber hose
}      a hunting knife
}      a piece of paper
}
} ] examine paper
}
} it says "56 - 54 - 51"
}
} ] enter combo
}
} you cannot enter combo
}
} ] examine door
}
} it's a common wood door with a plaque on it
}
} *thirty lines of grammatical ambiguity later*
}
} ] change combination to 56 - 54 - 51
}
} The lock clicks and the door slides open.
}
} ] south
}
} THE ACTUAL OFFICE
} Dr. C Aches' office is straight out of the seventies with wood
} panelling decorating every wall. A desk sits in the centre.
}
} ] search desk
}
} You find nothing of interest
} suddenly the door re-opens and the professor stands before you.
}
} ] examine professor
}
} He is carrying a black briefcase.
}
} ] take briefcase
}
} he puts up a struggle
}
} ] kill the professor
}
} with what?
}
} ] kill professor with knife
}
} you cut out a piece of C. Ache
}
} ] take briefcase
}
} taken.
}
} ] open case
}
} @ z-machine error, resorting to most likely value for BOOL::LOCKED
} it's already open.
}
} ] search briefcase
}
} you find your paper.
}
} ] take paper
}
} you already have the piece of paper
}
} *thirty more lines of grammatical ambiguity later*
}
} ] xyzzy
}
} Suddenly a being from the fourth dimension appears to grant you one
} wish. What will it be?
}
} ] request paper on uvulas
}
} the being requires matter in order to transmute a paper on uvulas
}
} ] offer piece of paper
}
} that isn't enough
}
} ] offer piece of C. Ache
}
} A glowing mass of light explodes in the office as the divine
} transformation occurs. When the light subsides the essay lies on the
} desk.
}
} ] take essay.
}
} taken, boy was that a piece of cake
}
} ] give to professor
}
} he takes it happily in his state of shock.
}
} *** YOU HAVE ONE ***
}
} You have earned 143 points out of a possible 158, giving you a rank of
} "down to the wire"
} ---
}
} you owe the oracle an infocom game from this century that doesn't suck


1474-06    (28571 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What will be the name of the girl i marry?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Listen, I know you are on your deathbed, and don't have much time to
} find someone to inherit your fortune, but you should still have
} memorized that before the wedding, or at least paid attention to that
} question the priest just asked you.  Or even better: change your will,
} and leave it all to the Oracle.


1474-07    (35942 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Shazam.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Zot.
}
} I win again.


1474-08    (02b73 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If Adam had never eaten the fruit, then would cryptography
> ever have been developed?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, without fruit, no death. Without death, no crypts. Without
} crypts, no reason to decorate them.
}
} You owe the Oracle to take a bite of this here punplum. Askme for it,
} and you shall be like me, not knowing the difference between good and
} bad jokes anymore.


1474-09    (25943 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> United we stand!  Divided we fall!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The wise Oracle has pondered deeply upon your submission. Meditating
} under the waterfalls of Time itself, he speaks thus:
}
} Consider the humble domino. On it's own it stands tall and proud, a
} basilisk on the table, however once knocked it will fall on it's face
} and lie there in a pathetic state like a downed king or a ruin from the
} past.
}
} But gather them en masse, line them up, create giant swirls and
} patterns, each one standing tall amongst it's brothers, an army of
} pillars. Now knock one, watch the ripples spread, the patterns coming
} alive with the movement of thousands of individuals.
}
} Finally when the dust settles and the spectacle is at an end, examine
} those dominoes and you will note that while each has bowed against
} another, none will have fallen.
}
} You now have your answer, go forth and savor it. Take the afternoon and
} the night, consider from every angle, that you may understand it in
} full.


1474-10    (13766 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My anus is itchy, can you please lend a finger and scratch it
> for me? Thanks, pal.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} After this unfortunate incident, Edward Scissorhands became much more
} selective about what favors he did for people.


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