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Internet Oracularities #1475

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1475, 1475-01, 1475-02, 1475-03, 1475-04, 1475-05, 1475-06, 1475-07, 1475-08, 1475-09, 1475-10


Internet Oracularities #1475    (29 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 06 Jan 2011 15:26:22 -0500 (EST)

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participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
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http://www.internetoracle.org/  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of
Stephen B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1475
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1475  29 votes 37577 5a653 18677 1aa35 25d72 38a26 243d7 157a6 4ac30 34b65
1475  3.1 mean  3.3   2.7   3.4   3.0   3.1   3.0   3.7   3.5   2.5   3.2


1475-01    (37577 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How Will I die?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} On Mon, Dec 20, 2010 at 14:48, The Internet Oracle
} <oracle@cs.indiana.edu> wrote:
}
} You will be hit by a truck, on Mon, Dec 20, 2010 at 14:47.
}
} Whoops.  You would have owed the Oracle a way to improve queue


1475-02    (5a653 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My stove hurts when I sit on it, how do I prevent this

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Huevos fritos are always painful.  At this point I can only
} recommend over easy, followed by ointment.
}
} You owe the Oracle a better recipe.


1475-03    (18677 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hark. My name is Harold Angel. I want to sing, Orrie, to
> a n00b named Orn King. Do you know any n00bs named Orn King?
> I want to reconcile him to you and for that I need to know
> who he is. Thanks.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} One of my incarnations is Bjorn King - that must be who you mean.
} I started using that moniker only just this morning, so I suppose
} this makes me a newbie.  After all, sonny, I wasn't Bjorn yesterday.
}
} I'm no sinner, so reconciling is unneeded.  Maybe a little therapy
} for multiple personality disorder; it's an occupational hazard.
}
} I feel like doing a little singing, myself.
}
}    Supplicants I've heard below
}    Groveling to beat the band.
}    And the Priesthood's heard to crow
}    "After zotting, you can't stand."
}
}    Or, Orrrr-Or, Orrrr-Or, Orrrr-Oracle,
}    In excelsis Me, oh!
}    Or, Orrrr-Or, Orrrr-Or, Orrrr-Oracle,
}    In excelsis Me-eeee, oh!
}
} You owe the Oracle peace on earth.  Or at least, mercy mild.


1475-04    (1aa35 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, no!  Not another one of those old, text adventures?
}
} >  Afraid so.
} >  -more-
} >  The woodchuck bites you!
}
} i
}
} >  You are carrying:
} >  A blessed Staff of Zot (0 charges)
} >  A cursed Credit card of infinite rate of interest
} >  -more-
} >  The woodchuck bites you!
} >  -more-
} >  You are lightly wounded
}
} l
}
} >  You see a woodchuck.
} >  There are no visible exits.
} >  -more-
} >  The woodchuck bites you!
} >  -more-
} >  You are diseased!
}
} Buy computer capable of running a graphical adventure, like Sam&Max,
} season IV.
}
} >  You don't see any shops!
} >  -more-
} >  The woodchuck bites you!
}
} Order online!
}
} >  You don't see a computer!
} >  -more-
} >  The woodchuck bites you!
} >  -more-
} >  You are lightly wounded!
}
} What do you think I'm typing this on?
}
} >  Good point.
} >  You order a top of the line computer.
} >  Your cursed Credit card of infinite rate of interest
} >  is now maxed out.
} >  -more-
} >  The woodchuck bites you!
} >  -more-
} >  You are lightly wounded!
}
} Send 'askme' to oracle@cs.indiana.edu
}
} >  The following appears:
} >  Staff of Zot<10 charges>
} >  All the in-jokes.
} >  A supplicant.
} >  -more-
} >  The supplicant says:
} >  "If the actress playing *SUPERMAN'S GIRLFRIEND* married the
} >  start of *THREE'S COMPANY* then would *JIMMY BUFFETT LOOK
} >  FOR HIS LOST SHAKER OF SALT* ?!"
} >  -more-
} >  The woodchuck bites you!
}
} Zot supplicant
}
} >  You zot the supplicant.  The Staff of Zot<9 charges>, the supplicant
} >  and the in-jokes disappear, as the question is now answered.
} >  -more-
} >  The woodchuck bites you!
} >  -more-
} >  You are severely wounded!
}
} Send 'askme' to oracle@cs.indiana.edu
}
} >  The following appears:
} >  Staff of Zot<10 charges>
} >  All the in-jokes.
} >  A supplicant.
} >  -more-
} >  The supplicant babbles incoherently in French.
} >  -more-
} >  The woodchuck bites you!
} >  -more-
} >  You are severely wounded!
}
} Tell Og "Kill woodchuck!"
}
} >  Og beats the woodchuck into a pulp!
} >  -more-
} >  You stop bleeding.
} >  -more-
} >  Julsy scolds you for cruelty against animals!
}
} Grab Julsy's breasts
}
} >  Julsy gets angry!
} >  -more-
} >  Lisa gets angry!
} >  -more-
} >  Julsy kicks you where it hurts the most!
} >  -more-
} >  You are paralyzed!
} >  -more-
} >  Lisa kicks you where it hurts the most!
} >  -more-
} >  You are paralyzed!
} >  -more-
} >  Lisa grabs the Staff of Zot!
} >  -more-
} >  You are paralyzed!
} >  -more-
} >  Everyone runs for cover
} >  -more-
} >  You are still paralyzed!
} >  -more-
} >  Lisa zots you!
} >  -more
} >  You die.
} >  -more
} >  Play again (Y/N)
}
} N
}
} You owe the Oracle a way to pay of that credit card bill.


1475-05    (25d72 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The wether forcaster says we are gong to have "varble" winds. Does he
> mean variable? Why do people leave out leters in their words, even when
> speaking?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Um, no. How can the wind be a variable? Can you assign a number or a
} pointer to the wind? uh, don't think so.
}
} You owe the Oracle a computer made out of air molecules that Jimi
} Hendrix can program by kissing instead of typing.


1475-06    (38a26 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You didn't remove my diarrhea, but you allowed me to hold it
> in until I got a chance to go. I guess I should thank you
> for that. Thanks.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What's going on here? That's the third crap supplication this
} week! I must get to the bottom of this, if you'll pardon the pun.
}
} <peep>  <peep>  <poop>  <peep>  <poop>  <poop>  <peep>  <brrr>  <brrr>
} <click>
}
} "National Elf Service, Office of the Poo Fairy. How may I help
} you?"
}
} It's the Internet Oracle here. Put me through to the Poo Fairy.
}
} "It's ringing for you, sir."
}
} <click>  "Hello, Orrie ..."
}
} Now listen here, Mackeithiel ...
}
} "She's not here, Orrie. This is the Tooth Fairy."
}
} Dentine? What are you doing there?
}
} "I now cover teeth, kidney stones, perspiration and poo, Orrie.
} It's part of the government cutbacks to the NES."
}
} And Mackeithiel?
}
} "She was laid off. Reinvented herself as a TV nutrition guru. Doing
} quite well, so I hear."
}
} Oh. Well, listen, Dentine ... about these poo-related supplications
} I've been getting ...
}
} "You don't mind me passing a few on, do you, Orrie? They
} haven't given me any extra staff, you know. And some of these sweat
} and shit ones, they're quite stomach-turning if you're not used
} to them! But you handle pervy disgusting stuff all the time, so you
} don't mind helping your dear little Dentine out, do you, Orrie my
} sweet? After all, how long have we known each other?"
}
} Two thousand, three hundred and ... Hey! Don't try to distract me by
} supplicating!
}
} "Remember Copenhagen?"
}
} I still can't believe some of the places I found bite marks. No, but
} look here, Dentine ... I'm not NES, you can't just bundle your
} work off on me. Just tell your boss you don't have to take this shit
} until you're given more staff.
}
} "No can do, Orrie. It's a statutory requirement for there to be a
} fairy representing bowel movements. You know our slogan ..."
}
} Yeah, yeah, yeah ... no defecation without representation. So, it's
} pretty rough, is it?
}
} "You wouldn't believe the pressure I'm under! 24/7 doesn't
} begin to describe it! I don't know whether I'm coming or going,
} half the time. Last night, I collected a tooth from under a little
} girl's pillow, and instead of a shiny coin, you'll never guess
} what I left in its place!"
}
} Spare me the mental imagery. Why don't you quit? Go freelance?
}
} "How would that work?"
}
} Well ... say, instead of leaving a coin for each tooth, people would
} now have to pay you to take them away. And your cut of the
} antiperspirant business ought to be worth a fortune!
}
} "That ... yes, that sounds like it might ... Thanks, Orrie, I'll
} definitely give that some serious consideration."
}
} Anytime. And meanwhile, no more diverted doo-doo questions, okay? I
} like my supplicants to stick to verbal diarrhea.
}
} "Absolutely."
}
} Good. Well, it's been nice talking to you, but I could use a visit
} to the john myself now. All this talk of poo ...
}
} "Would you like to have a nice, luxurious evacuation, or to spend
} the next half hour straining to squeeze out rock-hard little goat
} turds?"
}
} Eh?
}
} "Do you want my deluxe privatized poo service, or are you going to
} be a cheapskate and go for the economy deal?"
}
} Dentine! You wouldn't!
}
} "Got you!"
}
} Don't EVER joke about things like that!
}
} "Sorry, Orrie, couldn't resist. But thanks for your advice ...
} it's really given me something to get my teeth into. Speaking of
} which, if you ever fancy a repeat of Copenhagen ..."<click>
}
} If I ever fancy a repeat of Copenhagen, I'll be sure to have some
} rabies shots first. Jeez, what is it with fairies nowadays? Don't
} they know how they're supposed to behave? Haven't they seen Lord
} of the Rings?
}
} As for you, supplicant, you're welcome. Don't mention it. My
} pleasure. And next time, don't order Anil's double mutton
} vindaloo special, okay? Your western intestines haven't had the
} centuries of adaptive evolution necessary to handle that kind of
} dietary self-flagellation.
}
} You owe the Oracle some Ex-Lax.


1475-07    (243d7 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise and superlatively well-rested,
>
> Why do babies sleep all day and spend their nights crying?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Heading off the competition.
}
} You owe the oracle non-prescription birth control glasses.


1475-08    (157a6 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hi, Orrie, I think I might be suffering from confimation bias. Can
> you please confirm whether or not this is the case?  Also, could you
> tell me who is responsible for my attribution bias? Thanks.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm pretty sure this is just another case of someone being wrong about
} the confirmation bias; no need to check.  As for the attribution bias,
} I always have gone by this wisdom:
}    "People accept ideas better if you tell them Will Rogers or Thomas
}    Edison said it first."  -- Sophocles
}
} You owe the Oracle the list of things Yogi Berra didn't really say
} when he said them.


1475-09    (4ac30 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Funny, this is not what I had in mind when I signed up to work here....

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Funny is a job requirement here. If you don't got funny, you ain't
} worth a microfeghoot.
}
} You owe the Oracle some funnies. And stop misreading his mind. All the
} serious and trivial incarnations have gotta go!


1475-10    (34b65 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Uh for the smurf movie, why are the revisionist assholes
> adding non existent smurfs? "Gutsy" ??? "Panicky" ??? and
> why "Baker"? *Greedy* smurf was the Baker! Who wrote this
> script? Rudolph Bultmann? And why is a sodomite starring in a
> children's film anyway?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm sorry, but you seem to have completely missed the point when
} you watched Avatar at your local cineplex.  As for the sodomite,
} a mennonite was not available so they had to improvise.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pair of Na'vi blue jeans.


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