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Internet Oracularities #1476

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1476, 1476-01, 1476-02, 1476-03, 1476-04, 1476-05, 1476-06, 1476-07, 1476-08, 1476-09, 1476-10


Internet Oracularities #1476    (28 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 10 Feb 2011 10:29:08 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1476
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1476  28 votes 37936 56a52 42c73 0d942 35c80 67a32 35c53 1a926 45793 39583
1476  2.9 mean  3.1   2.8   3.1   2.8   2.9   2.6   3.0   3.1   3.1   3.0


1476-01    (37936 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When will they finally do a remake of the Wizard of Oz in
> which Dorothy says, "Lions and Tigers and Bears, WTF?"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Just as Ted Turner launched his project a generation ago to colorize
} old movies that had fallen out of favor with modern audiences, there
} is now underway a project to modernize the dialog of classic films.
} Spearheaded by the family team of Eddie, Kathy and Stewie Griffin,
} "Operation F Bomb" plans to update lines such as these:
}
} "WTF?  Open the pod bay doors, please, HAL."
}
} "No, Mr. Bond. I expect you to die!"  "WTF?"
}
} "WTF?  You had me at 'hello'."
}
} "I coulda had class. I coulda been a contender. I coulda been somebody,
} instead of a bum, which is what I am.  WTF."
}
} "WTF?  Houston, we have a problem."
}
} "Mrs. Robinson, you're trying to seduce me.  WTF?"
}
} "WTF?  Gentlemen, you can't fight in here.  This is the War Room!"
}
} "Take your stinkin' paws off me, you damn dirty ape!  WTF!"
}
} "WTF.  You could ask yourself a question: 'Do I feel lucky?' Well,
} do ya, punk?"
}
} "Excuse me while I whip this out."  "WTF?"
}
} "WTF?  What we've got here...is failure to communicate.
}
} "No. *I* am your father."  "WTF?"
}
} "You talkin' to me?  Well, I'm the only one here.  WTF?"
}
} "WTF?  Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son."
}
} "Hey! Is this heaven?"  "No, it's Iowa."  "WTF?"
}
} "WTF, make my day."
}
} "Well, here's another nice mess you've gotten me into!  WTF?"
}
} "You want the moon?  Just say the word, and I'll throw a lasso
} around it and pull it down. Hey, that's a pretty good idea. I'll
} give you the moon, Mary."  "WTF?"
}
} "WTF?  You can't handle the truth!"
}
} "There's no crying in baseball!  WTF?"
}
} "My Mama always said, 'Life was like a box of chocolates; you never
} know what you're gonna get.'  WTF."
}
} "WTF!  These go to 11."
}
} "Badges? We ain't got no badges. We don't need no badges. I don't
} have to show you any stinkin' badges!  WTF!"
}
} "WTF.  Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she
} walks into mine."
}
} "Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father.  WTF?"
}
} "WTF.  I'm gonna make him an offer he can't refuse."
}
} "Frankly, my dear, WTF?"
}
} You owe the Oracle some soap for his mouth.


1476-02    (56a52 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> How is the secret Masonic handshake performed?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Through the years, Motzart's "Secret Masonic Handshake" (W.o.O 27) has
} been performed in a number of ways. Usually, a full symphony orchestra
} is used. (The London Symphony Orchestra recently perfomed this piece
} for the Queen, in fact.) Sometimes, a different setting allows for a
} chamber orchestra or even a double string quartet to play it.
}
} However, never again should it be performed as you recently attempted
} it: for disco group and kazoo.
}
} You owe the Oracle some noise-cancelling headphones for the brain; I
} can't get the sound out of my head.


1476-03    (42c73 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How may I best fight both discrimination and reverse discrimination?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Fight discrimination by confronting it wherever you meet it.  It is not
} necessary to fight noitanimircsid because people can't even pronounce
} it.
}
} You owe the Oracle a rorrim.


1476-04    (0d942 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hi, Orrie, my name is Ape Foxman, professional victim.
>
> I find Charlton Heston's description of my planet as a
> "mad house" totally offensive! I don't care if it was a
> metaphor! What do I have to do with metaphors! And how much
> political capital will I be able to make out of this,
> provided I whine loud enough?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Metaphors are very much like similes (not to be confused with smilies,
} which are something else:), except the connection is drawn more
} abstractly. They are generally not true in literal terms, but are
} intended to convey a sense of a higher (or lower) truth. You'll find
} them both in poetry and in politics.
}
} Exempli gratia prima:
}
} "The moon was a landlord's daughter."
}
} (The moon may have resembled a landlord's daughter, but it would have
} been exceeding difficult for any landlord to have fathered the moon.
} The mind boggles. The fathering equipment are frankly frightened.)
}
} Exempli gratia secunda:
}
} "My worthy opponent from Idaho..."
}
} (The opponent is actually not worthy, but merely yet another of the
} scoundrals who infest politics. Indeed, the person speaking is also a
} scoundral, having deliberately said "Idaho" when the Senator in
} question was from Iowa. His hope in referring to his opponent as worthy
} is that some of that fake worthiness will fall gently upon himself. The
} major metaphor, naming Idaho in place of Iowa, is intended to disparage
} Iowa as being even worse than it is. Or perhaps to disparage both
} states as equally worse than each other.)
}
} The political capital of Idaho is Boise, not Des Moines. Neither city
} is pronounced in French.
}
} You owe the Oracle guided tours of Lewiston and of Iowa City, the
} original state capitals.


1476-05    (35c80 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Doubly happy Oracle, I hold your teeth at arm's length and don't get
> caught.
>
> Why can't I ever seem to make any money? I work hard every day
> shoveling all the poop my horses make, but all I have more of is horse
> poop. How can I make my hard work pay off?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} shippooptoyourenemies.com
}
} You owe the Oracle some stock options.


1476-06    (67a32 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hello. You have never met me. My name is Honk Studley. Most people do
> not know what to do with my name. First, they think that Honk should
> be Hank. It is not. Additionally, they are terribly embarrassed by the
> family name, "Studley." My father, Bonk Studley, formerly named
> Throckmorton P. Throckmorton, invented the name, and it served him
> well, as he worked to service half of humanity (all of them being
> women). I have so many half-brothers and half-sisters I'd never be
> able to count them all.
>
> I am unable to live up to my father's expectations, owing to my
> diminutive honker. My small nose aptly reflects my other tiny
> attribute. Women who laugh at me or make derisive comments have not
> helped.
>
> Can you think of a name I can use that will improve my chances in
> life? I'm almost about to rename myself Throckmorton P. Throckmorton
> so that I can die with some small amount of dignity.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I can suggest Hillary Rodham as a replacement name.  That exact name
} is not in current use, and it seemed to give its previous holder
} sufficient dignity despite the curse of a grievously small willy.
}
} Or, on a vaguely related note, I might propose the moniker Lewinsky.
}
} You owe the Oracle a stud finder.


1476-07    (35c53 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Unwashed but Unclean Oracle, you know so much stuff that you cannot
> avoid filth. Indeed, you possess the greatest collection of stuff no
> one ever really should have seen that anyone has ever seen. Or hasn't
> seen.
>
> How do you go about sorting out the dross from the swill, the cruft
> from the poubelles, the scheiss from the basura?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There's no real secret.  In any of the pairs you named, I see enough
} of both in this line of work that by now I can separate one from the
} other at a glance.
}
} It isn't important, anyway.  If I make a mistake during separation, so
} what?  As you seem to agree, it's all just either rubbish or crap.
}
} Here are some things I consider more important to separate correctly
} and consistently.
}
} Wheat from the chaff.  Basically, you look for the bits that are wheat.
} The rest is the chaff.  A loaf of the wrong kind of bread will convince
} you to err on the side of deciding "chaff" each time you are in doubt.
} This is good advice in the metaphoric sense of the cliche as well.
}
} Egg yolk from the white.  It's all in the wrist.
}
} Sheep from the goats.  Novices assume you can tell by whether it is
} horny or not.  But the expert will know that sheep are the ones whose
} tails exhibit erectile dysfunction.
}
} Men from the boys.  Erectile dysfunction is a less certain indicator
} here.  Go carefully in any case, my friend.
}
} Fact from fiction.  This is important if you want to make money as an
} author, because 90% of all book sales are non-fiction.  You want to
} carefully separate the fact from the fiction because you don't want
} to accidentally get any fact into your non-fiction writing.  Use only
} 100% pure fiction, then slap "non-" in front of it.
}
} Fools from their money.  Now THAT is an art, and I ain't tellin'.
}
} You owe the Oracle a can of Shinola.  And don't try to substitute the
} other stuff.  I'll know.


1476-08    (1a926 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm trying to learn more about China. I asked you last year who is the
> president of China and you said Yes.
>
> That sounded silly, so I asked you again, and you said, "Yes Hu is the
> president of China?"
>
> This is getting nowhere. I wouldn't be surprised it I asked you 7 times
> 13 for you to say 28.
>
> I think you meant "Guess who is the president of China?"
>
> I don't know who's the president of China!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This reminds me of when Lisa and I were first dating but not yet
} exclusively.  I became a little jealous when I found out she had
} gone to a movie with someone.
}
} "Did he get to First Base with you?"
}
} "Who hasn't."
}
} "Excuse me, what?"
}
} "Well sure, and Second Base too if you must know, but you're not
} going to fault a girl for wanting to have a little fun, are you?"
}
} "I don't know."
}
} "THIRD BASE!"
}
} "Now I'm afraid to say anything else."
}
} Of course it was all just a big misunderstanding.  The guy I saw
} her with was Hu, and she had dated a gentleman named Watt a few
} weeks before I met her, while Idunno was her long-time boyfriend
} in high school.  So we patched things up.
}
} It wasn't until later I discovered she had appeared in a video
} with Hot Rod Elce.
}
} Anyway, I hope you find it interesting to learn that Lisa once
} dated the president of China, even if there was no congress.
}
} You owe the Oracle the memoirs of William Alexander Abbott.


1476-09    (45793 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Feeling funny, punk?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No.  Feeling punny.  Funk.


1476-10    (39583 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's a good strategy for the psychological game Mafia?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I've never played - omniscience ruins a good many party games - but
} having scanned the rules I'd say the best strategy is peeking during
} the time everyone's supposed to have their eyes closed.  That's
} cheating, you say?  Hey, the game is called MAFIA for goodness sakes.
} Just consider yourself to be running your own private crime syndicate.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bodyguard.


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