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Internet Oracularities #1477

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1477, 1477-01, 1477-02, 1477-03, 1477-04, 1477-05, 1477-06, 1477-07, 1477-08, 1477-09, 1477-10


Internet Oracularities #1477    (29 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sat, 12 Feb 2011 13:33:35 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1477
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1477  29 votes 378a1 28757 37883 38945 43886 65783 1279a 19865 37766 57953
1477  3.1 mean  3.0   3.2   3.0   3.0   3.3   2.9   3.9   3.2   3.2   2.8


1477-01    (378a1 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> It's Friday night and the small glass of wine did not ease the
> boredom.  What next?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Try the carton of milk that has been aging in the back of your fridge
} for the past two years. For bonus points, have your roommates down a
} shot of that too. I guarantee an experience unlike that of a typical
} Friday night.
}
} You owe the oracle a date.


1477-02    (28757 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> hi Orrie, we're three ghosts. The government will take all
> Scrooge's money to pay for Obamacare, but Tiny Tim won't make
> the cut when his case comes before the rationing board, so
> he's ending up wormfood.
>
> So do we still have to appear to Scrooge? On the one hand,
> the government's already to compelled him to do his duty.
> But OTOH nothing will come of it, so we kinda still feel
> obligated to do something to him. Please advise.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, you are referring to the upcoming remake of the Dickens classic,
} retitled "A Christmas Colonoscopy".  I've seen the synopsis.
}
} The Ghost of US Health Care Past: this one depicts young Scrooge
} bartering a chicken for a flu shot, with wacky results.
}
} The Ghost of US Health Care Present: this one scares Scrooge with
} arguments that amount to one worst case scenario ("all the money")
} and the opposite worst case ("rationing to the extreme") with the
} implication they are tied together.  This segment is filmed in
} black and white; no shades of gray.
}
} The Ghost of US Health Care Future: unfortunately the tableau this
} ghost presents is pretty much the same as for Health Care Present,
} complete with the same strawman arguments repeated ad nauseam no matter
} what legislation is enacted.  Roget Ebert pointed out the segment is
} weak because it borrows so directly from Bill Murray's "Groundhog Day"
} but without any of the humor.
}
} Scrooge wakes up and finds out it was a dream while he was under
} the anesthetic for his outpatient procedure.  He vows to dump all
} his Tea Party literature and to treat his fellow man better.  A very
} unbelievable ending; what's more in character is that he'd drift
} back to smugness and idle ranting in a week or two, once the biopsy
} comes back negative.
}
} You owe the Oracle a high horse, after first getting down off it.


1477-03    (37883 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Well, I've got a problem. It's about poop. Or poo. Or faeces, or
> whatever name you choose. It's something we all produce, except maybe
> the Pope.
>
> There's the immense beachball-shaped guy in our dorm, over 150 kg.
> People assume a lot of inconsiderate assumptions about him. Like when
> the Porcelain Sanitary Euphemism gets stopped up, they all assume he
> did it. Big guy, lots of food, big turds. Makes sense. But it's wrong.
>
> How do I know? I'm the cuplrit, the Real Clogger, even though I'm only
> 54 kg. He's as innocent as whatever.
>
> Should I confess?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No.  Don't give up.  Just keep plugging away.
}
} You owe the Oracle an air freshener.


1477-04    (38945 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I gave up smoking, gambling and nail biting and now a nun is
> suing me for assault and battery! What's going on???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Looks like you should have given up two more things while you were at
} it.
}
} You owe the Oracle something black and white and red all over.


1477-05    (43886 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> What should I take with me? I'm off to live in a dorm for
> the first time ever.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, going off to college. Why, I remember when I was your age....
} [screen goes wavy] STOP THAT! No flashbacks! The supplicant didn't ask
} for any flashbacks!
}
} Right, now, where were we. Ah, yes. Well, your college should give you
} a list of things to bring, and things not to bring. Understand, dear
} supplicant, that these lists are merely guides. Here are some
} additional tips:
}
} DO: Bring clothes. Even if the dorm is "clothing-optional", shall we
} say, there are times you will want to exercise that option.
} DON'T: Bring closers. Your door will be equipped with one.
}
} DO: Bring a coffee pot. You will not always want to drag yourself down
} to the cafeteria.
} DON'T: Bring a coffee gun. These are unsafe in the close confines of a
} dorm room.
}
} DON'T: Bring a microwave. There will be plenty of them around as it is.
} DO: Bring a nuclear reactor. Because everyone else in the dorm will
} bring their computers, book readers, microwaves, air conditioners,
} space heaters, cell phone chargers, televisions, radios, curling
} irons, hair dryers, and electric cattle prods, you will find the local
} power supply to be stretched to its limit, especially as your dorm, in
} particular, was wired for power by Mr. Edison himself.
}
} DON'T: Bring a death ray, as these make people nervous, and you will
} have problems making friends.
} DO: Bring a flashlight, for when the nuclear reactor goes offline.
}
} But above all,
} DON'T: bring a w**dch*ck, as I'd hate for you to give any ideas to
} your dormmates.
}
} You owe the Oracle a 4.0 GPA.


1477-06    (65783 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and wise oracle....what should i have for breakfast this
> morning?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Breakfast eh? Let's see...
}
} ---
} You are in a well equipped kitchen. There are cupboards filled with
} food, a glass-fronted fridge containing a selection of cheeses and
} wine, and the window looks out onto a beautiful garden.
}
} There is a note on the kitchen table
} There is a rolling pin on the kitchen table
} There is a flapjack on the kitchen table, still in its plastic wrapping
}
} > OPEN CUPBOARD
}
} The cupboard is locked
}
} > OPEN OTHER CUPBOARD
}
} The other cupboard is locked
}
} > OPEN FRIDGE
}
} The fridge is locked
}
} > READ NOTE
}
} "Feeling hungry? Tough!"
}
} > JUMP
}
} You jump up and down in a rage like a spoiled child
}
} > TAKE ROLLING PIN
}
} Taken.
}
} > TAKE FLAPJACK
}
} Taken
}
} > EAT FLAPJACK
}
} Ewwww, flapjack! No thanks!
}
} > NORTH
}
} You are in the garden. The delicate scent of lavender is in the air,
} and the hedges are immaculate.
}
} Fluffykins, the neighbour's cat is here
}
} > TAKE FLUFFYKINS
}
} Fluffykins doesn't like being picked up
}
} > HIT FLUFFYKINS WITH ROLLING PIN
}
} Are you sure you want to do that?
}
} > YES
}
} Fluffykins explodes, destroying the house, the neighbourhood, the city
} and incidentally you as well. You got what you deserved, you horrible
} horrible person - wasn't the flapjack enough for you?
}
} You have scored (0/100)
} ---
}
} Apparently you're going hungry this morning, supplicant.
}
} You owe the Oracle a cat that looks exactly like Fluffykins


1477-07    (1279a dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> No it wasn't; why do you ask?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Most Brainy and Brilliant Oracle,
}
} I can't remember - was my time machine switched off before I went to
} bed last night?


1477-08    (19865 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Straight up, now tell me: Do you really want to love me forever?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Straight up, I really wanted to love you forever.
}
} Now, not so much.
}
} You owe the Oracle a cigarette.


1477-09    (37766 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Crime doesn't pay; when it does, it's called something more
> respectable.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yeah: politics.


1477-10    (57953 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most graciuos, I ask ye this.
>
> Is El Taco Loco going to hire the "where's the beef?" lady to
> capitalize on the Taco Bell meat rumour?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Given that she's dead, they'd be crazy to. Of course, since they are
} "El Taco Loco", they will indeed hire the late Clara Peller. The
} advertising campaign will be tragic. In fact, it already was.
}
} First, Ms. Peller, being dead, will fail to appear for the first
} shooting. After consulting with a lawyer and several psychics, the ad
} agency will move the shoot to Peller's grave. The taco she was
} originally going to inspect -- and query the beef content of -- will
} be placed on the grave, where it will be stolen by a rabid raccoon.
} The first grip, fighting the raccoon for the taco, will be bitten and
} contract rabies.
}
} Unfortunately, he will then go mad and break into a physics library.
} The postdocs will tell him to "get a grip"; however, this advice will
} not work due to the weakness of the pun. The rabid grip will steal the
} prototype of a time machine, and travel back to the year 1989.
}
} He will then set up an automated e-mail program which, at random
} intervals, sends e-mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu . These messages will
} vary in details, but their questions will all be the same: "How much
} w**d would a w**dch*ck ch*ck...."
}
} When El Taco Loco is asked where they got the idea for the advertising
} campaign, they will name you.
}
} You owe the Oracle a massive apology for this timeline.


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