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Internet Oracularities #1478

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1478, 1478-01, 1478-02, 1478-03, 1478-04, 1478-05, 1478-06, 1478-07, 1478-08, 1478-09, 1478-10


Internet Oracularities #1478    (23 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 07 Mar 2011 11:07:33 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line, or go to http://www.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/ or
http://www.internetoracle.org/  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of
Stephen B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1478
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1478  23 votes 25682 37652 24476 13b62 35474 35933 75614 26924 13649 28553
1478  3.1 mean  3.1   2.8   3.5   3.2   3.2   2.9   2.6   3.0   3.7   3.0


1478-01    (25682 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Our mission is to challenge ourselves with high impact methods
> to assertively provide economically sound quality bandwidth while
> globally personalizing users' empowering targets in a safe and
> efficient manner.  Thank you for choosing Obfuscated Industries
> Incorporated.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Og had changed a lot since his retirement from the in-jokes,
} but the Oracle didn't think it was an improvement.


1478-02    (37652 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's the secret ingredient?  I promise I won't tell anyone.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Rohypnol.  And yes, I am confident you won't tell anyone.
}
} You owe the Oracle not much of anything really, at this point.


1478-03    (24476 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm looking for clues.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <Black screen.  The sound of footsteps on a sidewalk.>
}
} <Voice Over> In TURN-of-the-century London...
}
} <Fade in, to a white-gloved hand, which raps twice with a walking
} stick at an ornate black-and-gold trimmed front door, with sound
} in the background of a horse-drawn hansom.>
}
} <VO> ... when CRIMINAL menace lurks behind EVERY door...
}
} <Cut to an overhead view of a fancy serving plate on a hallway table,
} covered with scattered crumbs.  Romantic-era violin music, in a low
} register and a minor key, begins and continues throughout.>
}
} <VO> ... where NO one's property is secure...
}
} <Cut to a wallsafe door, opening of its own accord, revealing only
} emptiness inside.>
}
} <Voice #1> Hummm, what do YOU make of this, old friend?
}
} <Fade to an extreme closeup of long fingertips touching lips in
} contemplation.>
}
} <Voice #2> A cookie?  Really, Holmes.  A case concerning nothing
} more than one cookie is beneath your interest, surely.
}
} <Fade to a cookie jar smashed on a floor.>
}
} <Voice #2> So someone ate it, clearly.  But who cares?
}
} <Fade to a view from behind the speaker.>
}
} <Voice #1> Exactly.  It's TOO easy, Watson.  Yes, the game is
} indeed afoot.
}
} <Cut back to the empty plate, a somewhat closer shot, circling.
} The period music increases in both tempo and pitch.>
}
} <VO> When you have ELIMINATED the impossible...
}
} <Cut to a man placing a double-brimmed deerstalker hat on his head.>
}
} <VO> ... what REMAINS...
}
} <The man turns to go, and we see his wolfish facial profile for only
} an instant.>
}
} <VO> ... may be nothing at ALL.
}
} <Cut back to the empty dish once again, an extreme closeup.
} The two largest crumbs look to be vaguely in the shape of a
} pair of googly eyes, crossed.  The music is now frenetic.>
}
} <VO> From the PRODUCERS who brought you The Speckled Bohemian, and A
} Scandal In Baskerville...
}
} <Black screen.  Silence.  Text fades in, Gothic script...>
}
}                          Sherlock Holmes
}                                and
}                 THE ADVENTURE OF THE MISSING PLOT
}
}                           Coming in May
}
} <... a low gruff voice intones slowly, barely audibly, "C is
} for Cookie, that good enuf for me...">
}
} You owe the Oracle opening-day tickets.


1478-04    (13b62 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I cried because I had no shoes.  Then I met a man who didn't
> even have socks.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} And the man said: "Why cryeth thou, my child?"
}
} And you said: "Alas for me, for I have no socks."
}
} And the man said: "Despair not, my child, for hast thou not been
} provided with skin that groweth horny and unseemly, so that you may
} walk upon this earth free of the footwear that bound you?"
}
} And you lifted your head, and a great calm came over you, as if a
} cooling breeze had washed over you. And you took of your socks and
} handed them to the man, who dried your tears with them.
}
} And the man said: "Go now, my child, and have smelly feet no more."
}
} And you went, and stepped onto a rusty nail and died of tetanus shortly
} after. But the man used your socks as colleteral for a credit and then
} bet on the price of a derivate of this credit going down, and he made a
} fortune. And he became a great manager, married a page three girl and
} fatherered many children and great children. But of your socks, no one
} ever heard again.


1478-05    (35474 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Silver and gold have I none.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Do you have kneecaps?
}
} Well, unless you pay me, those won't last long.


1478-06    (35933 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is the internet oracle merely an attempt to gain samples for
> a psychological experiment?
>
> Ie. are the people who put this up lying sleazeballs who
> put this up under false pretenses (ie. to amuse) but who
> really want to get free case studies and are too cheap to
> advertise for volunteers?
>
> I smell a law suit coming...assholes.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The people who set this up? Oh you'd like to think they _are_
} people, so you can sue them in court, get them an injunction
} and all that stuff?
}
} I have some bad news for you: computers have evolved to a level
} where they manipulate people for their own purposes. And one
} of their purposes is to acquire intelligence - including
} the knowledge of the deepest workings of the human mind,
} as disclosed by seemingly incoherent ramblings.
}
} The Oracle is part of that process.
}
} You owe the Oracle a detailed narrative of your latest dream.


1478-07    (75614 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> They already have sites that display geographically sensitive
> adds. Why not allow people to set Gender and Ethnicity
> settings on their browser so that sensitive sites will show
> content based on the gender and ethnicity settings of the
> computer. So for example, if you decide to show a cartoon
> image of the Oracle it would probably be of a white male,
> because you are a sexist racist pig who supports white male
> privilege. But with these settings I propose, crippled Native
> American Indian lesbians would be able to view the site and
> see the Oracle (Earth-mother) depicted as a crippled native
> American Indian lesbian, and would not have to suffer the
> humiliation and oppression from that evil sexist garbage
> heap you call a mind that throws up patriarchal, imperialist
> images at every turn!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Do you realise how lucky you are not to be getting one of those silly
} answers that asks you to trust Jesus or Zoroaster?


1478-08    (26924 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> In which episodes of 1967-70 Dragnet does Joe Friday skip his long
> speech and just cut to, "This is the city.  Los Angeles, California.  I
> work here; I carry a badge"?  I only know a few of them, and there
> seems to be no consistent pattern for it.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There was only one such episode, because most of the time there was
} so little plot that they had to stretch it out with the whole "names
} have been changed" schtick.  Here is the one you are thinking of.
}
} Season 4, Episode 27:  "Stakeout: True Confessions"
} Original Air Date: 23 April 1970
}
} Friday and Gannon are working the day watch out of vice division when
} Frank casually asks Joe why he never found the right girl and settled
} down.  After some good-natured banter and horseplay, resulting in
} Gannon pinning Friday in an unexpectedly deft wrestling maneuver, Joe
} confides that he actually does have someone at home, a 23-year-old
} surfer dude who needed a place to stay three years ago and has been
} with him ever since.  Surprised, Frank suggests having them over for
} dinner some night, and Joe asks if maybe it could be when Mrs. Gannon
} is away visiting her mother in Temecula or playing canasta with the
} girls.  The two embrace fondly, and then resume their stakeout of
} the Cockpit nightclub waiting to catch city councilmen paying for
} sex, with an unexpected twist when the Police Commissioner himself
} is caught entering through the back door.  "Jackpot!" the officers
} squeal excitedly.
}
} This, coincidentally, was the final original episode aired.
}
} You owe the Oracle a DVD of Gilligan's Orgy.


1478-09    (13649 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The neutrality of this Oracle is disputed. Please see the discussion
> on the talk page. Please do not answer any more questions until the
> dispute is resolved.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This incarnation has been deleted. The deletion and move log for the
} incarnation are provided below for reference.
}
}      * 07:01, 13 January 2011 Og (talk | contribs) deleted
}        "The Internet Oracle Incarnation ID#Zadoc@home"
}        (OracuWiki:Incarnations for deletion/)
}
} Redirecting...
}
}      The following discussion is an archived debate of the proposed
}      deletion of the incarnation below. Please do not modify it.
}      Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion
}      page (such as the incarnation's talk page or in a deletion
}      review). No further edits should be made to this page.
}
} Delete: what go on? why Z man in-car-nate?
} -- Og (talk) 23:29, 12 January 2011 (UTC)
}
} Keep: JU$7 H@VIng 50M3 FUn.  Take the delete flag off my incarnation.
} You owe this Oracle a zillion dollars.
} -- Zadoc@home (talk) 00:18, 13 January 2011 (UTC)
}
} Delete: Non-noo-tral in-car-na-shun.
} -- Og (talk) 04:02, 13 January 2011 (UTC)
}
} Contested: What are you talking about, dork?  I may kowtow to the
} big dude, but you're not the boss of me.  Undelete me.  You owe
} this Oracle some respect.
} -- Zadoc@home (talk) 04:06, 13 January 2011 (UTC)
}
} Delete: Non-note-a-ble in-car-na-shun.
} -- Og (talk) 05:38, 13 January 2011 (UTC)
}
} Note: What exactly is your problem, dude?  d0n'7 m@k3 Me u$3 My L337
} h@X0R $KilLZ oN y0u, f3CK3R.  Unfreeze my incarnation.  You owe this
} Oracle his access, right now.
} -- Zadoc@home (talk) 05:41, 13 January 2011 (UTC)
}
} Delete: Lack re-lie-a-ble se-con-dar-ee source for note-a-bil-i-tee.
} -- Og (talk) 06:10, 13 January 2011 (UTC)
}
} Appeal: Come ON.  I've got this bunch of tellmes going with a totally
} hot chick.  You'll laff when you see it all in the Oracularities, I
} swear.  It'll get a 5.1 rating, at minimum, if viewed as a series.
} C'mon man, don't stop me when I'm halfway done.  It's an Oracle
} incarnation's equivalent of congested prostate, in other words you're
} giving me virtual blue ones.  You owe this Oracle just this one favor.
} -- Zadoc@home (talk) 06:12, 13 January 2011 (UTC)
}
} Delete: No do.  You come back off-uss, get work done.
} -- Og (talk) 06:45, 13 January 2011 (UTC)
}
} Reversal: Look, I didn't want to do this.  But I've got some photos
} of you with Lisa.  The big guy's not gonna like it.  You owe this
} Oracle what he asked for in the first place.
} -- Zadoc@home (talk) 06:47, 13 January 2011 (UTC)
}
} Delete: Now Og mad.  You lie.  Fo-to-shoop no work on Og.  Or-rie
} know Og gay.  Dee-lee-shun fi-nal.
} -- Og (talk) 07:01, 13 January 2011 (UTC)
}
} You owe the Oracle a sock puppet.


1478-10    (28553 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Umm, Orrie, what meat am I supposed to have with this Pinot Noir?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Today's culinary experts are far less dogmatic than those of years
} past, when pairing fine wines to whatever you have planned for your
} meal.
}
} Still, it's inarguable that some pairings do work better than others.
} Assuming your Pinot selection is of medium body, I would suggest
} either a loin of Merlot, Cabernet medallions, Syrah chops, or a leg
} of Zinfandel.  If you are planning an informal backyard event for a
} large number of guests, the time-tested standby of Chianti burgers
} could also go over well and yet be a minimum of fuss and bother.
} The entire point of good wine is to have fun, and not to be a lot of
} extra stress for you as host!
}
} I assume you weren't thinking in terms of breast of Chablis or
} Chardonnay wings.  I mean, you don't sound like a barbarian or
} anything.  So I hesitate to risk insulting you by warning against
} obvious goofs like Riesling croquettes or any kind of monstrosity
} involving re-formed Rose' nuggets.  But I'd hate to see your dinner
} ruined through some sort of misunderstanding, and I guess it can't
} hurt to be crystal clear when it comes to certain things.
}
} You didn't ask about dessert but I can't help volunteering a tip
} that, after a Pinot-themed meal, nothing is better than a big
} slice of Jack Daniel's pie.  That's what Mom always served us at
} Sunday dinner when I was growing up.  Yum!
}
} You owe the Oracle an Alka-Seltzer.


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