[IO]
Internet Oracle
25 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 15:19:27 GMT

Internet Oracularities #1479

Goto:
1479, 1479-01, 1479-02, 1479-03, 1479-04, 1479-05, 1479-06, 1479-07, 1479-08, 1479-09, 1479-10


Internet Oracularities #1479    (20 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 06 Apr 2011 14:59:23 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line, or go to http://www.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/ or
http://www.internetoracle.org/  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of
Stephen B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1479
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1479  20 votes 11288 25391 27821 09740 25634 02756 19361 2b142 33680 13a51
1479  3.1 mean  4.0   3.1   2.6   2.8   3.1   3.8   2.9   2.6   3.0   3.1


1479-01    (11288 dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is poop so funny?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Zen Buddhists answered this question long ago with their famous koans.
}
} 1. The first principle of poop is that there is no poop.
}
} 2. What is the sound of one man crapping?
}
} 3. A monk asked Zhaozhou to teach him. Zhaozhou asked, "Have you
} eaten your meal?" The monk replied, "Yes, I have." "Then go wash
} your bowl", said Zhaozhou. At a moment approximately twelve hours
} later, the monk was enlightened.
}
} 4. A monk asked Zhaozhou, "Does a dog have Buddha nature or not?".
} Zhaozhou said, "make sure you have a bag and a scooper with you
} when you study this question".
}
} 5. Two monks were watching a flag flapping in the wind. One said to
} the other, "The flag is moving." The other replied, "The wind is
} moving." Huineng overheard this. He said, "Not the flag, not the
} wind; my bowels are moving. Well, I guess wind too. Sorry."
}
} 7. When Banzan was walking through a market he overheard conversation
} between a butcher and his customer. "Give me the best piece of meat
} you have," said the customer. "Everything in my shop is the best,"
} replied the butcher, "you cannot find here any piece of meat that
} is not the best. Besides, by the time you drop a deuce it has all
} become the same anyway." At these words Banzan became enlightened.
}
} 6. A senior monk Jo asked Rinzai, "What is the essence of Buddhism?"
} Rinzai came down from his seat, grabbed him by the lapels, slapped
} him and thrust him away, asking "why did you get the numbering of
} these koans out of order, you stupid piece of excrement?"
}
} 8. After Bankei had passed away, a blind man who lived near the
} master's temple told a friend: "Since I am blind, I cannot watch
} a person's face, so I must judge his character by the sound of his
} voice. Ordinarily when I hear someone congratulate another upon
} his happiness or success, I also hear a secret tone of envy. When
} condolence is expressed for the misfortune of another, I hear
} pleasure and satisfaction, as if the one consoling was really
} glad there was something left to gain in his own world. In
} all my experience, however, Bankei's voice was always sincere.
} Whenever he expressed happiness, I heard nothing but happiness, and
} whenever he expressed sorrow, sorrow was all I heard. And when he
} pooped, goodness gracious, he certainly let the whole neighborhood
} know."
}
} You owe the Oracle that which you can never bestow, in order that
} you may keep what you never will have.


1479-02    (25391 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What do you think of "Godly Play"? Does it soundly ground children in
> the faith, or is it just more inane liberal nonsense and sophistry?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A sound grounding in Christian Theocracy is important for the
} developing mind, for it allows the child to develop a properly
} jaundiced view of nearly all religions and their purposes. Once a child
} grasps that he is being told, "This book is true because it says in the
} book that it is true, so you'd better believe," a clean and rational
} view of objective reality can develop.
}
} So yes, the earlier they get all that godly stuff cleared out of the
} way, the better.
}
} You don't still believe in Oracles, do you?


1479-03    (27821 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You said I would get in a lot less trouble if I didn't even hint about
> asking about woodchucks. "W**dch*cks" you called them. You suggested
> that even stupid questions about playing the gigolo or the strumpet
> gave me a better chance at not being explodonated into vile threads.
>
> I'll bet that the gigolo and the strumpet are not real musical
> instruments but are fake sexy-sounding words you made up to trip
> people. At dinner last night I asked my brother Clemfert, who is a
> musician, about those instruments and he laughed so hard he splattered
> soup all the way across the table to Aunt Agathaa. She was laughing,
> too. Thanks for mentioning the gigolo and the strumpet; they worked
> better than I ever could have imagined. I've about had it with Aunt
> Agathaa and her Bible-thumping. She drags Jesus into every
> conversation. Next time she starts talking about Jesus and how she
> knows (from her conversations with Him, I guess) that Jesus personally
> wants me to be saved, I'll just say, "Gigolo and Strumpet" or maybe
> "Soup."
>
> So thank you very much for the idea.
>
> What other over-worked Oraculisms can you tell me about, along with
> examples of how I might fit them into my mundane but bizarre personal
> life?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Funny you should ask.  Lisa and I had simultaneous Oraculisms just
} the other morning.  I did feel a little over-worked because I had
} had an Oraculism in the shower only a few minutes prior, but lucky
} me, I'm omniimpotent as well as omniscient so I managed.
}
} You owe the Oracle an under-worked prophylactic.


1479-04    (09740 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> John Wayne was the "Duke". Elvis was the "King". Gaga has a
> peerage.
>
> Why did we even bother to fight the Revolutionary War, seeing
> as how obsequious Americans are so tastelessy fond of titles
> of nobility?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Look, why worry about them, when much more confusingly you have The
} Artist Formerly Known as The Artist Formerly Known as Prince, also
} known as the Unpronounceable Symbol, which I have inserted ( ) here,
} but which you cannot see owing to deficiencies in your browser, your OS
} and your own mind.
}
} You, sir, owe the Oracle a Knight at the Opera.


1479-05    (25634 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, you have massive truckloads of I.Q. and
> a vast understanding of thoughts both grisly and calm,
>
> If Shakespeare were alive today could he get a job?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's find out. Bear with me while I summon Shakespeare from ages past.
} Please sit patiently and wait. These apparitions can be somewhat
} flighty and easily offended. One wrong word and they are gone. Here we
} go!
}
} Will? William Shakespeare? Will the Stratford Person? Can you come here
} a minute? Someone may have a job for you.
}
} - Oh, don't bother me. What is it? Another writing assignment? I've
} told you before, De Vere does all that stuff for me. I just let him put
} my name on it. Go talk to him.
}
} Well, there you have it. He doesn't WANT your damned job.
}
} Let's try his suggestion, though. Hey Ox! Yes, you, Edw. De Vere, 17th
} Earl of Oxford, yes, you hiding behind the mask. Come up here and
} report for duty! (Gotta be a bit tough with these noblemen, or they
} don't listen at all. Hard to hold their attention otherwise.)
}
} -- We meet again, O Oracle of time
} -- Beyond the Future that we had at hand.
} -- You wish, I know, for me the Bard to be,
} -- Once more creating words that please the ear,
} -- Those lines all writ so smooth with iambs five,
} -- Which I would surely speak were I alive.
}
} Yeah. Suppy over there, that clown in the corner with his fingers
} suspended in mid-air as he awaits my answer, would like to hire a ghost
} writer.
}
} -- I write of ghosts, of princes and of kings,
} -- Of witches three, of murd'rous Scots and dogs.
} -- Aye, yes, of that Damned Spot! Out, out! I say,
} -- And on the carpet piddle not. I had
} -- It clean'd one week ago but now the filth
} -- That falleth not like gentle rain from heav'n
} -- But track'd by muddy paws encrusts the rug.
} -- For thee a grave near Yorick I'll have dug.
}
} Okay, okay. Hold the poochy images. Suppy, lazy as always, wants you to
} take over writing his questions. He doesn't have any money, but he
} promises you truckloads of fame or whatever. No, don't go. He really
} needs you. Here, I'll show you some of the questions he's written
} previously. You can see how they need improvement. (G*d, how I hate
} handling these old questions. The parchment falls apart from bit-rot
} beneath my fingers!) You'll write for him, and just let him change a
} word or two.
}
} Sorry, Suppy. He's gone.
}
} In answer to your question, yes, Will's ghostwriter could get Will a
} job, if either Will or Oxford wanted it. They clearly don't.
}
} You owe the Oracle and Oxford a better offer, or a cleaner dog.


1479-06    (02756 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I want to celebrate and live my life WITHOUT saying "Ayo".
> Is that even possible?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It depends on whether you are willing to give up crayons,
} mayonnaise, and bayonets.  You can no longer live on a
} bayou, or have layovers at an airport.  You must give
} up hope of running for mayor, of participating in sports
} playoffs, or offering payola to radio personalities.  You
} will have to work harder than ever at your job to avoid
} being part of a layoff.
}
} I'm afraid unless you have a careful layout of your life's
} plan, these harsh realities stand to kayo any payoff from
} your silly wish.
}
} On the positive side of the ledger, you can stop wearing
} clothes made of rayon.
}
} Sayonara.
}
} You owe the Oracle a dippy thong.


1479-07    (19361 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most Punny Oracle, what's the porpoise of life?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's really the same as the bottle-nose dolphin of Time, and should
} never be confused with the orca of Sports Illustrated.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Clare Luce booth.


1479-08    (2b142 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> hi, my name is Larry Hagman. How come every time I start to
> put on a cowboy hat, the President of China points a gun at
> me?
>
> (clues: long running soap opera (from late 70's to early
> 90's) named after a large city in Texas (not Houston)
> concerned with oil, tagline/catch phrase following a
> cliffhanger episode, pun based on Asian name and
> interrogative pronoun)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are so correct. The underlying premise of your supplication is an
} ancient question in show business, namely Who's Sawn First. Nobody
} really knows the identity of the first woman to be sawn in half in a
} magic stunt, although Robert-Houdin, known to generations of my
} stupider supplicants as "Who? Dan? Duhhh huh?" wrote about the trick in
} 1854. At that time the president of China was an emperor, and the
} president of the china firm of Josiah Wedgwood & Sons was Francis
} Wedgwood. Fort Worth, Texas was established in 1849.
}
} Your question itself, in trying to trick an omniscient being into
} tripping on his own feet as he tries to guess your riddle, is per se
} execrable. That you repeat the question incessantly, fishing for a
} better answer, suggests that you doubt not only my omniscience but
} perhaps my very existence.
}
} Furthermore, that you feel it necessary to provide "hints" to an
} omniscient being additionally degrades your status, and would be
} regarded as just cause for punnishment if it were not also
} self-grovulatory.
}
} You owe the Oracle a magic trick which replaces Bud and Lou with two
} stooges.


1479-09    (33680 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My cat looks like a Na'vi, but it is aggressive, cold hearted
> and exploitive like a human. Could it be an Avatar of some
> sort?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} On the contrary, the fact that your cat's cold-heartedness and
} exploitativeness have fallen to merely human levels suggest that she
} is not in perfect health. That would also help explain her unnatural
} complexion.
}
} Feed her the souls of innocent mice (and the bodies too, if you can
} get them) and contact the vet if she doesn't improve in a few days.
}
} You owe the Oracle a blue-skinned alien babe.


1479-10    (13a51 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, why can't I seem to get in control of my life? I'm
> burning the candle at both ends, and I feel like I'm coming apart at
> the seams. Please help!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You need to reverse your priorities. First, come apart at the ends.
} That will get your head out of where it's currently stuck. Next, try to
} burn your candle at the seams.
}
} This latter metaphor is difficult to precomprehend, but as you can
} imagine, you'll melt wax all over the carpet. You will now have a
} simple and productive task to perform: getting the wax off the carpet
} before anyone arrives at the door, especially your mother.
}
} There will be one of two results:
}
} 1. You will have finally succeeded at a simple task, and this will give
} you confidence to forge ahead.
}
} 2. Your mom will arrive, see the wax all over the carpet, and take
} control of your disorderly life. She'll order new carpet and make you
} go out and find a job so you can pay for it. She didn't order cheap
} carpet, after all. She's your mom, and mom always knows best.
}
} You owe the Oracle an autographed copy of Don Martin's book, "Don
} Martin Forges Ahead." (It's the 1977 paperback with a picture on the
} cover of one of Don's flat-footed characters forging a head.) Please do
} not drip wax on it. Autographed copies are rare and possibly valuable,
} as Don passed away in January, 2000, and is now experiencing difficulty
} in signing his name. You may have to be a bit creative and take a hint
} from the book's title.


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org