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Internet Oracularities #148

Goto:
148, 148-01, 148-02, 148-03, 148-04, 148-05, 148-06, 148-07, 148-08, 148-09, 148-10


Usenet Oracularities #148    (13 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 24 Apr 90 15:06:03 -0500

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148   13 votes 30532 22441 06223 22441 01246 18220 12433 13324 03343 12451
148   3.2 mean  3.1   3.0   3.2   3.0   4.2   2.4   3.4   3.4   3.5   3.2


148-01    (30532 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, may the benevolent light of Krishna shine down on
> your blasphemous head and lead you to the path of light and
> beauty, and to the happiness that only a funny haircut and
> an orange bedsheet can bring. I do have a question for you,
> because even though you a slanderous hypocritical heathen, blind
> to the glow of the true believer, you have some baser knowledge
> of the mundane earthbound  things common to the human animal.
> My question is this: At the airport is the white zone for the
> immediate loading and unloading of passengers only, or is that
> the yellow zone? Since I saw Airplane I haven't been able to
> figure that one out, and I practically live at the airport.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Basardo!  I have enflonged thee once too often!  From beyond the
} gahalliments of time, I have bespied thy meamy bisanderings through the
} alacty of prain.  The very melegnoi flear from thy beshant; no decent
} porkoo would be found ashant you!  Behold!  Yea, even so far as dread
} Kansas City, the Federal judges avoid thy harility and quarm -- bedecked
} with sunfis and ballantine, they traguip through blayse and
} tchitchitiroles, rather than share bottled water with you!  Fear not,
} drogy plissifer -- for the mandibles of thy doom are being sharpened,
} and the delfungus is boiling and sloon.
}
} Yet, after all is said and done, I must answer your question:
}
} The white zone is for the evunculement of alangidaries, the yellow for
} the prodisement of leudules.  There must be no confusion here.


148-02    (22441 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> $5000?  Isn't that a bit much?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Not at all.  For that money you get the deluxe sex-change, complete with
} all-natural female hormones extracted from the urine of pregnant mares,
} carefully-sculpted female genitals complete with a pseudo-clitoris made
} from what was your glans, segments removed from your leg bones to make
} your shorter, silicone implants for a good set of hooters, extensive
} plastic surgery to your face to make you look like the young Garbo, and
} extensive courses in feminine behavior.  The Oracle has no idea why you
} aren't happy being a man (despite Its near-omniscience), but if this is
} what you want, you're getting a bargain.


148-03    (06223 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What are the average sexual measurement of a male and female?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 0.25-0.5 Hz.


148-04    (22441 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I just failed a test in my major.  (Computer Science)
> What now?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Now?  Now?  Now, you ask?  Now you will be turned into a donkey, flayed
} alive, slung into the Pit of Vicious Stinging Koala Bears, and slowly
} roasted on a spit.  Now you will be disintegrated molecule by molecule.
} Now the Crab of Doom will call and leave messages on your answering
} machine.  Now you will be beaten to a pulp by several gentlemen named
} Luigi.  Now the Martian Death Wasps will sting you with their laser
} rays.  Now the CIA will investigate and publicize all your "games" with
} Muffy and Jason and their little dog Spot.  Now the Mind Flayers will
} come to eat your brain.  Now you will be blindfolded, handcuffed,
} stripped, and forced to perform humiliating sex acts on the stage in
} front of the entire C.S.  department, including the cute secretary
} you've had a crush on for the whole year.
}
} Understand?


148-05    (01246 dist, 4.2 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why hasn't anybody murdered Robin Leach yet?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Nobody can find enough salt to pour on him.


148-06    (18220 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I've got two legs, from my hips to the ground, and when I move them
> they walk around.  And when I lift them they climb the stairs, and
> when I shave them they ain't got hairs.  What am I?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are a trout, all cajun and black,
} You make love to mermen all flat on your back,
} You write porno novels all sleazy and trash,
} And when the feds raid you're gone in a flash.


148-07    (12433 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      Why is COBOL so difficult, obstinate, and ornery yet so popular
> in the business world? And why do cobol compilers detect errors that
> aren't really there? Pascal doesn't do that.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, yuh see, COBOL is the best durn fuckin' langgage in the whole
} fuckin' WORLD!  It beets the fuckin' shit out o' RPG2.  It beets the
} fuckin' shit out o' BASIC, 'like, 'cause not every fuckin' statement has
} to have a fuckin' line number.  It beets the fuckin' shit out o'
} FORTRAN, cause it's got a fukin' ALTER LABEL-1 TO PROCEED TO LABEL-2
} statement which is a whole fuckin' lot better than the fuckin' assigned
} goto.  It beets the fuckin' shit out of those highbrow langgages they
} teach yez in school!
}
} Compiler catches errors that aren't really there?  Huh!  It's just
} keeping yez on your toes!  So don't give me any of that fuckin' shit,
} youngling!
}
} Yez owes the Oracle a COBOL-9x compiler, for the fucin' newfangled
} object-oriented, parallel, vectorizing COBOL.


148-08    (13324 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's this red button for ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Mr.  Quayle!  How many times do I have to tell you not to play with
} Uncle Bush's toys!  Danny!  I'm gonna spank you!
}
} You owe the oracle a swift apology.


148-09    (03343 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who wrote 20,000 LEAGUES BENEATH THE SEA?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I did! No, really! That bastard Verne ripped my idea off and didn't
} even dedicate the book to me! And since extradimensional entities have
} no legal rights, there was nothing I could do. Look, I'll prove it to
} you! Now where is that thing...ah!
}
} The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
} Your question was:
}
} > Do you have any good ideas for Eddie Murphy's next film?
}
} And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}
} } As a matter of fact I do! It has to do with this African king who
} } comes to America to find a wife^C
}
} Oops! Let me try again...
}
} The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
} Your question was:
}
} > I need a good idea for a science fiction adventure novel. Could you
} > give me one?
}
} And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}
} } Sure! Why don't you set it underwater? With my far-reaching
} } knowledge of the future, I can tell you that in less than a century,
} } submarine craft will be common, used in fighting wars and launching
} } missiles and inspiring movies starring Sean Connery.
} }
} } Let's see, you could call the book THREE MILES BELOW SEA LEVEL!
} } Yeah! It'll be all about this futuristic submarine run by a mad
} } captain. Let's call him...Captain Nemo. That's it! Captain James T.
} } Nemo!
} }
} } Let me outline a scene in script form!
} }
} } Nemo : Captain's Log, 3:00 Saturday Afternoon. We are answering a
} }        distress call from a large whale that is being attacked by
} }        sharks. Mr. Spackle, what is our estimated time of arrival?
} } Spackle : Burble glub blubby gurg!
} } Nemo : Mr. Spackle, please remove your head from the fishbowl before
} }        you answer!
} } Spackle : Sorry, sir. As you are no doubt aware, my half-human,
} }           half-tuna physiology requires that I breath water at least
} }           three hours a day. We should arrive at our destination any
} }           moment now.
} } Nemo : Mr. Sununu, give me a view of whale on the screen.
} } Sununu : Oooh! That's nasty! They're really munching down!
} } Nemo : Fire phasers!
} } Spackle : No effect.
} } Nemo : Fire photon torpedoes!
} } Spackle : No effect.
} } Nemo : Hmm. Maybe it's because we're underwater. Fire large rocks!
} } Spackle : We have their attention, sir.
} } Sununu : Sir, they're coming at us! They have guns! Those aren't
} }          ordinary sharks! Those are...Klingoid Sharks!!!
} } Nemo : Mr. McScott! Get us out of here! Full JetSki drive!!
} } McScott : Och, sir, I can't! There's seaweed cloggin' the dilithium
} }           tubes and it'll take time to clear!
} }
} } OOOH! Isn't that exciting! Tell me what you think!
} } You owe the Oracle credit.
}
} Well, like I said, I never got any. To add insult to injury, that
} bonehead Roddenberry ripped off the same idea!! I get no breaks, let
} me tell you.
}
} You owe the Oracle the name of the guy who stole his lyrics for "Girl
} U Know It's True"


148-10    (12451 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where is Salman Rushdie now?  Has he had plastic surgery?  I promise not
> to reveal his whereabouts to anyone who might hurt him.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Although I strongly distrust your less than convincing promise to do
} Salman no harm, I will enlighten you with the top ten clues as to the
} whereabouts to Salman Rushdie.
}
} Top Ten Clues as to the Whereabouts of Salman Rushdie
} --- --- ----- -- -- --- ----------- -- ------ -------
}
} 10.  My, doesn't Phyllis Diller look different after that last
}      facelift.
}
}  9.  Check out that new funeral parlor that advertises - SR's Satanic
}      Hearses.
}
}  8.  There's an interesting new shop on the Atlantic City boardwalk that
}      boasts: fortunes told, palms read, and hexes placed on in-laws - no
}      appointment necessary.
}
}  7.  Have Ozzy Ozbourne and Salman Rushdie ever been seen in the same
}      place at the same time?
}
}  6.  Did you ever wonder why that bum in central park keeps chanting
}      "caveh alaai satani regii."
}
}  5.  That vendor following the Grateful Dead selling the fried,
}      refried and re-refried falafel looks mighty suspicious.
}
}  4.  Did you see the Sesame Street episode, sponsored by the letter 'S'
}      and - oops sorry thats Solomon Grundy.
}
}  3.  What's the name of that new VJ on MTV, you know, the one who hosts
}      Headbangers Ball?
}
}  2.  Who is that dark complected golfer who makes up the foursome with
}      Pete Rose, Jimmy the Greek and Jim Valvano?
}
} And the number one clue as to the wherebouts of Salman Rushdie is...
} (Drum roll please...)
}
}  1.  Have you noticed how that new clerk at the seven-eleven always
}      stares so fiendishly into the wienie roaster!!!
}
}
} You owe the oracle a satanic slurpee.


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