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Internet Oracularities #1480

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1480, 1480-01, 1480-02, 1480-03, 1480-04, 1480-05, 1480-06, 1480-07, 1480-08, 1480-09, 1480-10


Internet Oracularities #1480    (21 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 27 Apr 2011 11:07:17 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1480
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1480  21 votes 09741 3b430 04944 37632 a5123 13395 43842 75441 06645 14844
1480  2.9 mean  2.9   2.3   3.4   2.7   2.2   3.7   2.9   2.4   3.4   3.3


1480-01    (09741 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Thank goodness for all the cognac. You advised me that I was correct
> in using cognac to combat my senility, such as last time when I wrote
> to you about how I put my eyeglasses in the fridge and boiled a lemon.
>
> Today I boiled my eyeglasses, and I don't know how I would have seen
> anything without my daily dose of Hennessy Three-Star cognac. (Looking
> through slices of boiled lemon doesn't work at all, just in case you
> were wondering.)
>
> You would be surprised at how sane the world looks, even through
> boiled eyeglasses, once you have drunk half a bottle of Hennessy VS.
> It is probably the finest beverage in the world. Indeed, I'm told that
> the three stars represent three planets, actually, so it'll be the
> best on three planets.
>
> At this point I can't find my car keys, but I've always had trouble
> finding them, even when I was much younger. I think most people lose
> their car keys. Perhaps the cognac lost them, in its campaign to tell
> me I'm not quite fit to drive. It's probably right.
>
> Now I'm out of lemons, or else I lost them in the sofa. Would you be
> interested in trading a dozen lemons for a glass of cognac?
>
> If you're out of lemons (as I am) perhaps you could explain the
> philosophy behind the improvement of physical reality that is afforded
> by the consumption of cognac.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's all to do with space-time curvature.  Pour yourself a nice big
} glass of cognac.  Notice how it settles into the bowl of the glass just
} so.....  Well as it does so it creates nano-waves in the space-time
} continuum which radiate out from the epicenter.  Now take a swig
} (slurp, sip, gulp or quaff as appropiate) and  feel how those
} nano-waves modify your own quantum signature.  This modification allows
} your body to pass into a parallel dimension where things really are
} better, at least until the effects of the nano-waves wears off........
}
} You owe the Oracle a PhD in Applied Alcoholism.


1480-02    (3b430 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey, this job is harder than you make it look!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why is it that there are so few people who can do the mental arithmetic
} for calculating f{M-NM-;x [M-OM-^H(E')]} while juggling seven raw eggs
} singing waltzing mathilda backwards?
}
} The oracle appreciates your insight - you owe the oracle nothing in
} return.


1480-03    (04944 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do heretics convince themselves of their own lies?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because the heretic's lies are way more fun than the pious' ones.
}
} You owe the oracle a bottle of baby oil, a set of handcuffs and 667
} drops of chicken blood.


1480-04    (37632 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty, all-knowing Oracle, whose brain is so large it is in danger
> of collapsing to become a new black hole from which even less light
> will be cast^W^W^W^W^W^W^W to be yet more able to absorb the crazed
> ramblings of this your most humble supplicant - it has been two years
> since my last supplication - what has been happening at Oracle HQ while
> I've been away?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} We all tell riddle puns now. For example:
}
} "If a ghost tries to startle the President of China, is it the sound
} of weeping?"
}
} "If the co-star of the Matrix were a bryphyte then if she were luggage
} could she be taken by the passenger aboard the plane?"
}
} "Must journalists really ask the President of China 'what, when, where,
} how and why'? Why does he stand for it?"
}
} "Should Martin Van Buren give gratuities to an Native American Indian
} boat and one of the hosts of American Idol who is the lead singer of
} Aerosmith?"
}
} Please try to conform to the new rules. Thanks you.
}
} You will love it! These are the best! They never get old. Unlike the
} crust in your underwear or of the Earth. Remember Earth day!


1480-05    (a5123 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Diarrhea. Do your thang. (yeah right).

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If you say so, but it won't be pleasant.


1480-06    (13395 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@ewhac.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hello. I'm Harald Yoto. The last name was Yutoob until my father
> started corresponding with you, years ago, and you know what happened.
> You would not believe what he still owes you. Um, yes you would.
> Indeed, you have a complete list. He's never sent you a damned thing.
>
> Well, Dad died last week, and I'm giving you first dibs on the stuff
> that's collected in the basement of the house he used to rent to his
> ex-wife. No, not my mom, but his ex-wife number 4, who passed away two
> years ago. He stored a lot of stuff there. You probably don't want the
> leaky water heater, though. And I've got to warn you, his autograph
> collection (including Lincoln, Booth, "General" Tom thumb, Lee, Grant,
> and John the Baptist) is probably quite mildewed. But it's all yours.
> Can you come by on Tuesday? Everything goes to the dump on Wednesday.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} OK, Harald, lemme check out the inventory:
}
} The six (6) Circassian dancing girls are a total loss:
}   Twenty years in a damp basement, living on canned goods and the
} occasional stray cat, would make _anyone_ look a bit frumpy. You can
} donate them to Goodwill - or, if they won't take 'em, there's a nursing
} home outside Vegas that's looking for a floor show......
}
} Three (3) volumes of autograph books:
}   One's pretty mildewed, like you said. Pity - that one had Dr.
} Johnson, Dr. Crippen, Dr. Jekyll AND Mr. Hyde, Heidi, Hades, Howdy
} Doody, John Donne, Lorna Doone, Mike Doonesbury, Angela Lansbury, the
} Pillsbury Doughboy, Boy George, George Jetson and Jesse Jackson - some
} prime examples there!
}   The others are pretty standard; and -
} O boy: you got a bogus John the Baptist.  (See the smiley face over the
} "i"? Johnny _never_ signed it that way - he used a heart).  Those can go
} to the library rummage sale.
}
} One (1) Girdle of Hippolyta:
}   I think Lisa would like that; there's a party coming up at Artemis'
} place.  'Course we'd have to polish up the bronze chain mail and regild
} it, besides taking in the waist and enlarging the cup size....
}
} Thirteen (13) clocks from Coffin Castle (not in running condition):
}   Well, as an Immortal, I'm not into Time that much.  There's a museum
} in Bristol, Connecticut; they might be interested.
}
} One (1) box containing:
}   Assorted unicorn horns (none of any good size or quality);
}   gryphon claws;
}   dragons' teeth;
}   bundle of pegasus feathers...
} Well, I _could_ use some new quills for the Scriptorium; and the rest
} can be made into jewelry for the Gift Shop.
}
} One (1) Edison Home Pornograph:
} Hey! I remember those -  I'll take it, for the sentimental value.....
}
} Seven (7) caskets, containing:
} Diamonds, rubies, emeralds, assorted gold and mithril.....
} Meh......
} I'll just bring those to the Mineral Recycling Center - it's on my way,
} anyhow.
}
} One (1) vial, containing........
} What's this?
} "Bill Gates' Immortal Soul"?!!
} Hah!!
} !!!!JACKPOT!!!!
}
} Lemme tell you, Harald, Lucifer's gonna be _pretty_damn_ steamed_ when
} he finds out THIS went missing..... Oh, the things I could do with
} it........
}
} Thanks a bunch! I'll just teleport this stuff out - (*VWORP*)
}
} Oh, and - there's a first edition of van Helsing's "Practical
} Demonology" on that shelf right there: you better keep that....
}
} You'll need it.
}
} Bye!


1480-07    (43842 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When I say "gurgle gurgle" that means you should remove my diarrhea.
> The rage and pain that I feel when a diarrhea causes me to get up
> from bed is a tragedy worse than a hundred tsunamis, holocausts, and
> plagues put together. Can you understand that? I expect you to make
> it just DISAPPEAR. Capiche?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In his final days, Pope Pius XII did not really live up to the
} name anymore during his morning prayers.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Hail Mary pass.


1480-08    (75441 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, possessor of more knowledge and lore than
> the combined resource of all mortals,
>
> The current batch of your Incarnations seems to be a rather sad
> lot.  What can we do to increase the pool of talent, and improve
> the replies you give?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} hey a**h*le, is this a personal attack against me? I've been thinking
} about going pro. Since my advent, things have been far funnier than
} any of you idiotic, senile cretins could ever hope to aspire to.
}
} I suggest you get some treatment for cognitive dissonance and then
} stick your head in front of an oncoming train. Idiot.


1480-09    (06645 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Chocolate doesn't make anyone fat. These clothes look great on you. Of
} course I love your haircut. You have lost weight! You look best in the
} morning. I love your cooking. I am NOT angry. Of course I'm fine with
} not getting any flowers/sex (f/m) on Valentine! It won't hurt, I'll be
} gentle. Of course I love you for your soul, not body! Come on, it will
} be fine...


1480-10    (14844 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I hear you went to Yale?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Nope, yust Yuvie.  I got a good lawyer from Oslo who fixed
} the date on my birth certificate.
}
} You owe the Oracle a ticket to the yunior prom.


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