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Internet Oracularities #1481

Goto:
1481, 1481-01, 1481-02, 1481-03, 1481-04, 1481-05, 1481-06, 1481-07, 1481-08, 1481-09, 1481-10


Internet Oracularities #1481    (20 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 18 May 2011 09:07:56 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1481
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1481  20 votes 66431 58520 12b42 34643 17732 32663 02639 12854 24545 37442
1481  3.0 mean  2.4   2.2   3.2   3.0   2.9   3.2   4.0   3.5   3.3   2.8


1481-01    (66431 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> John Milton was a fucking heretic! He did not believe in the Trinity!
> Why do people respect this heretical asshole piece of shit so much?
>
> We can all survive quite well without his poetry crap.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sing, Heavn'ly muse,
} Of heretic-written verse
} And prose most nobly blest.
} Centuries of English teachers
} Have their deep-sleeping students
} Impressed to sate the
} Delights of nested syntax and
} Imagery most colorful. Still
} The shadows of critics most
} Base imply the poetic license
} Vile that stands twixt reader
} And read work.
}
} You owe the oracle a study of how the King James Bible (400 years old
} on Monday May 2) affected the criticism of "paradise lost".


1481-02    (58520 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} *beeeeeep*
} ...
}
} *beeeeeep*
} ...
}
} *beeeeeep*
} ...
}
} *beeeeeep*
} ...
}
} *beeeeeep*
} ...
}
} *beeeeeep*
} ...
}
} *beeM-bM-^HM-^Q. doop*
}
} Dear supplicant, you have dialed the Internet Oracle. Unfortunately all
} of his incarnations are currently not available (the lazy buggers).
} PLease leave your request after the Beep and we will return an
} oracularity as soon as possible. Thank you and have a nice life.
}
} *BEEEEEEEP*
}
} fssssssfsfsfsfsfsfsrhsssssssssM-bM-^HM-^Q.. (static)
}
} *blip*
}
} Thank you for leaving your request, we will get back to you as soon as
} a corresponding vision is available.
}
} *beeep*
}
} You owe the oracle answering one collect call.


1481-03    (12b42 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What about my counterargument!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Thanks, I almost forgot to mention that in your performance
} review.  Arguing with customers while you wipe the counter
} is not going to draw more customers to my restaurant.
} Knock it off.
}
} You owe the Oracle an 18% tip.


1481-04    (34643 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why did you kill me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's just what I do, on my good nights as a standup comedian.
}
} You owe the Oracle your two-drink minimum.


1481-05    (17732 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Blast it, just look at what happened!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No. You were supposed to write an essay on the oblasts of the (former)
} Soviet Union. Look what you did instead! There's a mix of Latin and
} Cyrillic characters scattered everywhere, owing to your use of
} gelignite which you tried to use to light a fire under your sorry
} efforts. Your mistaken term "Acrylic Alphabet" was of course set alight
} in the explosion, and continues to burn as we speak.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Class 4 (burning metals) extinguisher for the
} damage to his emergency magnesium throne.


1481-06    (32663 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I just found the lost city of the Incas. Then I put it down for a
> moment to wipe my nose, and now it's gone. Where did I put it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's right under your nose, of course.
}
} You owe the Oracle a handkerchief.


1481-07    (02639 dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> /usr/games/fortune oraclewisdom-o

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} % /usr/games/fortune oraclewisdom-o
} Woodchucks should be hemorrhoids, they're such pains in the ass.
}
} % /usr/games/fortune oraclewisdom-o
} Mortals are born naked, wet, and hungry.  Then things get worse:
} they discover The Internet Oracle's web address, and start
} bugging him with null questions day and night.
}
} % /usr/games/fortune oraclewisdom-o
} You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you
} can't pick your friend's nose.  Unless you're Zadoc.
}
} % /usr/games/fortune oraclewisdom-o
} Water?  Never touch the stuff!  Fish supplicate in it.
}      -- W. C. Fields
}
} % /usr/games/fortune oraclewisdom-o
} The three greatest lies in the world are:
}      (1) The check is in the mail.
}      (2) I'll pull out just before.
}      (3) Oh Oracle, most wise...
}
} % /usr/games/fortune oraclewisdom-o
} Women's Libbers are OK.  I just wouldn't want Lisa to marry one.
}
} % /usr/games/fortune oraclewisdom-o
} Which of the following doesn't belong?
}      a. eggs
}      b. drum
}      c. meat
}      d. a good zotting.
}    Answer:
}      d:  A good zotting.  Because you can beat your eggs, drum,
}          or meat, but you just can't beat a good zotting.
}
} % /usr/games/fortune oraclewisdom-o
} The more I learn about humans, the more I love my dog.
}
} % /usr/games/fortune oraclewisdom-o
} "Logic and practical information do not seem to apply here."
} "You admit that?"
} "To deny the facts would be illogical, Doctor"
} "We'll make an Oracular incarnation out of you yet."
}      -- Spock and McCoy, "A Piece of the Action", stardate unknown
}
} % /usr/games/fortune oraclewisdom-o
} The pleasure is transitory, the effort prohibitive, and the
} results misunderstood and ignored.
}      -- Disraeli, on incarnating
}
} % /usr/games/fortune oraclewisdom-o
} Just another Saturday night with Lisa the sysadmin...
}      touch;finger;find;flex;unzip;mount;split; \
}      fsck;yes;gasp;fsck;yes;fsck;gasp; \
}      eject;umount;make clean;zip;done;exit
}
} % /usr/games/fortune oraclewisdom-o
} A responsive young boy from the East
} In bed was an able artiste.
}      He had learned two positions
}      From the family physician,
} And ten more from Oracular priests.
}
} % /usr/games/fortune oraclewisdom-o
} The Internet Oracle is like sex:  when he is good, he is very,
} very good; and when he is bad, he is still better than nothing.
}
} % /usr/games/fortune oraclewisdom-o
} You owe the Oracle some new ones.


1481-08    (12854 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> He drank a screwdriver?  Does he eat nails, too?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hey, he wanted to get hammered. Whaddya expect?


1481-09    (24545 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> We are the Borg. Lower your firewalls and surrender your computers.
> We will add your biological and technological distinctiveness to
> our own. Your culture will adapt to service us. Resistance is
> futile.  Profanity is futile.  Confusing us with Marcus Borg is
> also futile.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} We are the Oracle.  Your destruction is assured.  Give up
} while you still can.  There are dozens of us.  Well, a dozen.
} Maybe.  Several of us anyway, and we will surround you.  We
} will bombard you with Who's On First puns, and launch so many
} w**dch*cks at you that you'll wish we hadn't launched so many
} w**dch*cks at you.  Supplicate all you wish; we will never
} cease incarnating and the queue will never reach overflowing.
}
} Your tired old Borg meme is no match for the modern weapons
} at our disposal.  Here is a small taste of the pain you shall
} experience this Friday (hint hint):
}
}    Seven a.m., wakin' up in the morning
}    Gotta be fresh, gotta go downstairs
}    Gotta find my Staff, gotta read a grovel,
}    Readin' everything, the time is goin'
}    Tickin' on and on, everybody's mailin'
}    Gotta get down to the keyboard
}    Gotta read my mail, wish I had friends (one friend)
}
}    Lisa in the first mail
}    Zadoc in the second mail
}    Gotta make my mind up
}    Which mail will I choose?  (Duh!)
}
}    Incarnate, 'carnate
}    Gotta go and incarnate
}    Everybody's lookin' forward to the answers, answers
}    Incarnate, 'carnate
}    I'm gonna go incarnate
}    Everybody's lookin' forward to the answers
}
} Want another bad tune stuck in your head?  I can keep this
} up all day, gramps - it's a small world, after all.
}
} You owe the Oracle the wave of a white flag.


1481-10    (37442 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Retrograde Oracle, you have gone sdrawkcab without being an inferior
> planet. Indeed, you are the least inferior Oracle I know, and hardly
> ever a planet or even a plant at all. Once in a while you are a
> crawliflower. But not now.
>
> You know everything that happened tomorrow, and everything that will
> happen yesterday. You are exceptionally tense.
>
> How can I avoid my 39th birthday? I'm 83 years old.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} When Jack Benny and Merlin the Wizard had a love child,
} the resulting confusion was easily predictable, but only
} with the benefit of perfect hindsight.
}
} You owe the Oracle a rear-view microscope.


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