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Internet Oracularities #1482

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1482, 1482-01, 1482-02, 1482-03, 1482-04, 1482-05, 1482-06, 1482-07, 1482-08, 1482-09, 1482-10


Internet Oracularities #1482    (19 votes, 3.3 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 31 May 2011 07:44:57 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line, or go to http://www.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/ or
http://www.internetoracle.org/  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of
Stephen B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1482
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1482  19 votes 27523 03358 26542 04672 17452 03682 33346 25633 10783 07732
1482  3.3 mean  2.8   3.9   2.9   3.4   3.0   3.5   3.4   3.0   3.6   3.0


1482-01    (27523 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Well, Orrie, I didn't think it was possible, but I got a handwritten
> response from you. But now, I can't decipher your handwriting. Help?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, sorry.  Through a slight mixup your question was handled
} by the I-Ching Oracle (a wholly owned subsidiary of Oracular
} Enterprises) and your reply was sent as pictograms written
} on rice paper.  I hope that you at least found it beautiful,
} if indecipherable, and that the laxative-laced cookies tasted
} good.  Here is a translation:
}
} The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
} Your question was:
}
} > When I say "gurgle gurgle" that means you should remove my
} > constipation.
}
} And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}
} } All your hard work will soon pay off.
} } Allow yourself time - you will reach success.
} } Contentment will come to you.
} } Desire for success will be achieved through effort.
} } Every truly great accomplishment is at first impossible.
} } Good things come to those who wait.
} } If there is no struggle there is no progress.
} } In solitude we are least alone.
} } Patience will overcome adversity.
} } Sitting toward the South may bring you good luck.
} } You will experience changes for the better.
} } You will pass a difficult test that will make you happier.
} }
} } The Oracle thanks you for your question, and wishes you blessings.
}
} You owe the Oracle twenty bucks.


1482-02    (03358 dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A few moments earlier...
}
} > O wise and powerful Oracle,
} >
} > Is this gun loa-*BANG*
}
} And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}
} Yes, and WATCH OU- ... oh no. Zadoc! Go set up the time
} machine. No no, the ultra-light-duty one, just a few seconds
} will be enough, there's a good lad. I'll handle a couple
} hundred new questions that just came in, while I'm waiting ...
} Hm, hm, so what could be taking him? A few seconds should
} take only a few, well, seconds, though it's not linear - ah,
} here we go.
}
} > > /usr/games/fortune oraclewisdom-o
}
} No no, Zadoc, that was from almost an hour ago, just a FEW
} seconds, ten at most. Try again.
}
} > Hm, hm, so what could be taking him? A few seconds should
}
} No, you numbskull, not ten seconds ago from NOW, ten seconds
} before the FIRST time I asked you. If you'd done it properly
} in the first place... oh bloody zot, I really need to get
} around to placing that help-wanted advert. Hm, hm, ... here
} it comes, is this it?
}
} > O wise and powerful Oracle,
}
} There, that's the one. WATCH OUT, POINT THAT THING AWAY FROM ...
}
} > Is this gun loa-*BANG*-ded, HOLY CRIPES, I could have hurt
} > someone ... gee, thanks, Oracle!
}
} Don't mention it. To answer your question, yes it is. And
} to answer what you didn't ask, that "someone" was almost you.
}
} You owe the Oracle some spackling compound for the new hole
} in his wall, and a book containing the rules of Russian
} Roulette.
}
} > Say, wise and powerful Oracle, as long as I have you on
} > the line, can I ask you another question?
}
} May. Obviously you can, but yes, you may.
}
} You owe the Oracle a nickel, since it was an easy question,
} though improperly phrased.
}
} > But I ... oh, all right. O wise and powerful Oracle, MAY
} > I ask you another question, NOT COUNTING this one?
}
} Yes, but no.
}
} You owe the Oracle another nickel. They ALL count.
}
} > Argh! OK, OK. O wise and powerful Oracle, my other question
} > is this, how many bullets does this gun hold?
}
} Just one.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new computer with a spreadsheet program,
} to help keep track of bullets and so forth.
}
} > A computer?!? Why is that a fair price for an easy question
} > when the other times you charged me a nickel???
}
} The Oracle decides what's fair, and what's easy. Not you,
} Supplicant.
}
} You owe the Oracle a nickel. Another easy one.
}
} > Then how do I go about applying for a refund? I would have
} > just looked for myself, to find out, if I knew it would cost
} > me a computer! I can't afford a new computer even for myself!
}
} No refunds.
}
} You owe the Oracle a nickel.
}
} > YOU JERK! Okay, so you answer questions? Yeah, that's one,
} > and here's the followup, try it on for size, doofus: How much
} > wood would a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood???
}
} Here, let me see that.
}
} *BANG*
}
} Well, will you look at that, now it holds zero.
}
} The Oracle owes you last rites.


1482-03    (26542 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, what happened to the Rapture on the weekend?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I have no idea, I was Camping at the time.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Harold angel.


1482-04    (04672 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> All your base are belong to us!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yeah, I know. Look, there's some lemon juice in the fridge, and umm, oh
} yes, there are three huge jugs of vinegar under the sink.
}
} Be more careful with that stuff next time.


1482-05    (17452 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I can dream, can't I?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Finally, one of the priests came up with a more realistic demand than
} just whining about a rise.


1482-06    (03682 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Welcome to Theoretically Possible; may I take your order please?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'd like two un-scrambled eggs and a cup of grass, air, water, and
} sunlight that used to be cow's milk, please.
}
} You owe the Oracle the check.


1482-07    (33346 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You're mighty brave in cyberspace, man.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What's on your mind, if you will pardon the overstatement?  I
} don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard for you
} to pronounce.  You are obviously suffering from delusions of
} adequacy.  Did your parents have any children that lived?  Tell
} me, what do you, as an outsider, think of the human race?  (Don't
} worry, I'm fluent in weirdo.)  You're not my type; for that matter,
} you aren't even my species.  Scientists will study your brain to
} learn more about your distant cousin, Man.  Millions of years ago,
} man climbed out of the slime - want to join the party?  They broke
} the mold BEFORE they made you, and when you were born the doctor
} slapped your mother.  There are two kinds of people in this world,
} and you are not one of them.  You are a pimple on the face of
} humanity; somebody please come and pop you.  You are like some ...
} gigantic robot nerd assembled from the parts of lesser nerds.  I
} try never to forget a face, but I'm willing to make an exception
} for you.  In fact I'm considering memorizing your name and throwing
} my head away.
}
} You're all basket and no eggs, all booster and no payload, all foam
} and no beer, all hat and no cowboy.  You've got your paddle, all
} right, but no canoe.
}
} Being good at being stupid doesn't count.  Were you born that way,
} or did you have to study?  Yours is a titanic intellect... in a
} world full of icebergs.  Too bad stupidity isn't painful.  You're
} about as sharp as a bowl of jello.  You may be stupid, but you sure
} aren't clever.  You've got a mind like a steel trap - rusty and
} closed.  What's the height of stupidity?  I'm not sure... how tall
} are you?  I'd try being nicer if you tried being smarter.  Everyone
} has the right to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege.
} Even an unplugged clock is right twice a day.  Been short on oxygen
} one time too many?  When you go to the mind reader, do you get half
} price?  Do you run air conditioning year round to keep your IQ above
} room-temperature?  You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding
} through peanut butter.  Your brain is so small that if you put it
} on the edge of a razor blade, it would look like a pea rolling down
} a 4 lane highway.  Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to
} be let out alone.  The proctologist called; they found your head.
} The dentist said your wisdom teeth are retarded.  The gates are
} down, the lights are flashing, but the train just ain't coming.
} Someone blew out your pilot light.  Ever stop to think, and forget
} to start again?  The way things go over your head, you'd be a champ
} at mental limbo dancing.  It takes you two hours to make minute rice.
} It takes you a week to watch `60 Minutes'.  Anything preying on your
} mind would starve to death.  If brains were dynamite, you couldn't
} blow your hat off; if money, you'd be six pesos in debt; if taxed,
} you'd get a rebate; if water, you'd be a walking desert.  If you had
} one more neuron you'd have a synapse.  If you had one more ounce of
} brains, you'd be half-witted.  If idiots could fly, your house would
} be an airport.  If stupidity was a crime, you'd get a life sentence.
} If you were as tall as you are stupid, you'd make the NBA All Star
} team.  If you can find a village without its idiot, you'll be set
} for life.  Stupidity is not a handicap -- park elsewhere.  In a
} battle of wits, you are the pacifist.  If what you don't know can't
} hurt you, you're invulnerable.  If ignorance is bliss, then why on
} EARTH aren't you happy?
}
} The Idiot Store called, they said they're running out of you.
}
} I wonder how many angels could dance on your head?  It's unclear
} which of Newton's 3 laws of motion keeps your ears apart.  You
} suffer from aviary neurology, birdbrain.  Not even Hercules could
} knock out your brains, you don't have any.  You have a rare but
} serious case of cerebellum nonexistium.  It didn't take much
} reductio to get down to absurdium from where you started.  Sorry
} about your rectocranial inversion.
}
} Roses are red, violets are black; you'd look better with a knife
} in your back.  I always wanted to be rich, and while I'm dreaming,
} I wish you weren't so ugly.  The weather is here, wish you were
} beautiful.  It's okay to be ugly, but aren't you overdoing it?
} You must have fallen out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on
} the way down.  You must have had your cosmetic surgery performed
} by Picasso.  Why don't you give yourself a treat - paint all your
} mirrors.  You're so ugly, Peeping Toms ask you to pull down your
} shades.  You're so ugly, the psychiatrist makes you lie face down.
} You're so ugly, you could scare a pitbull out of a meat locker.
} You're so ugly, you have to sneak up on a glass of water to get
} a drink.  You're so ugly, you'd cause a train to take a dirt road.
} If looks could kill, you would be an Uzi.
}
} Your lips aren't saying anything and your eyes are saying "read
} my lips".  You qualify for the witless protection program.  There's
} a few dots missing from the dice of your life.  There's a few
} sunflower seeds missing from your trailmix.  You've got too much
} yardage between the goal posts.  Your fence is missing a few pickets.
} You're not the brightest bulb in the chandelier, nor the sharpest
} knife in the drawer.  You couldn't get a clue even in the middle of
} clue mating season if you were standing in a field full of excited
} clues with your body smeared with clue musk dancing the clue mating
} dance.
}
} You're a few beers short of a six-pack.  You're a couple of tacos
} short of a combination plate.  You're a few french fries short of
} a Happy Meal.  You're a few peas short of a casserole.  You're a
} few hot peppers short of an enchilada.  You're a few sandwiches
} short of a picnic.  You're a couple of volts below threshold.
} You're a few bytes short of a K.  You're a few clowns short of a
} circus.  You're a few green stamps short of a free toaster.  You're
} one wave short of a shipwreck.  You're a few kittens short of
} a litter.  You're a few shingles shy of a roof.  You're a few
} wheatbags short of a silo.  You're one card short of a full deck.
} You're a few neurons short of a brain.  You're about 4 cents short
} of a nickel.  You're about 12 shy of a dozen.
}
} You're diagonally parked in a parallel universe.  You're half a
} bubble off plumb.  Your bait can is a few minnows short.  Your
} elevator doesn't make it to the top floor.  Your receiver is off
} the hook.  Your antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.  Your
} dipstick isn't touching oil.  Your lugnuts are rattling in your
} hubcaps.  Your mouth is in gear, but your brain is in neutral.
} You're knitting with only one needle.  Your family tree doesn't
} fork.  You're not so much a has-been, as a won't-be.  You're
} skating on the wrong side of the ice.  You're meandering to a
} different drummer.
}
} You're about as useful as a braille speedometer, as a revolving
} basement restaurant, as a screen door on a submarine, as a see-
} through mirror, as a snake charmer with a deaf cobra, as a
} stowaway on a Kamikaze plane, as an ejection seat in a helicopter,
} as microwave popsicles, as a fork in a soup bowl, as a lead life
} raft, as a solar powered foghorn, as roll-on hairspray,
}
} You have fallen off Mildly Crazy Plateau and right into Loopyville
} Canyon, after reaching the apex of Mount Clueless.  You are the
} mayor of Loserville.  Here's your crown, King Nothing.
}
} You always cease to amaze me.  Whether you can hear it or not,
} the Universe is laughing behind your back.  Why don't you do us
} all a favor and pull your lip over your head and swallow?  You
} are one of the least minimally unintelligent organic life forms
} it has been my profound lack of pleasure not to be able to avoid
} meeting.  Keep taking those stupidity pills, they're working.
} You are no longer beneath my contempt.
}
} Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.  If I
} promise to miss you will you please go away?  I've enjoyed just
} about as much of you as I can stand.  I like your approach, now
} let's see your departure.  You really should go far, and the
} sooner you start, the better.  I'd be glad to help you out, which
} way did you come in?  Support your local rescue squad - get lost.
} I want to go back to how things were before we knew each other.
} When the phone don't ring, you'll know it's me.  I'm already
} visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.  But burying you would
} be the waste of a hole.  Guys like you are a dime a dozen - on
} second thought, I'll keep my dime.  As the Bard put it, I dote
} on your very absence.  Now go have a nice day, somewhere else.
}
} Just kidding.
}
} You owe the Oracle a clever comeback.


1482-08    (25633 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The connection to your site took so long, I forgot what I wanted
> to say.  Oh well.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} We at The Oracle are new to this internet service provider business.
} You see many years ago there was this revolutionary concept --
} you actually had to GET OFF YOUR SORRY TAIL and haul yourself over
} to Delphi.  So simple.  So easy.
}
} Then about 35 years ago--
}
} Zadoc: Dude, did you KNOW they distribute PORN on computer tapes?
} Oracle: Awesome, if we can get PORN on tape, we could serve supplicants
}   answers by program.  I could answer questions in bed (while watching
}   PORN).
}
} Of course, when you're THE Oracle, you have better technology than
} everyone else, but not that much better.  Laptop computers weren't
} really in vogue yet, so it was hard to watch PORN.  But it was better
} than Delphi eh?
}
} Then a little more than twenty years ago--
}
} Oracle: ZADOC YOU IMBECILE, YOU SCREWED UP THE COMPUTER AGAIN!!  HOW
}   CAN I ANSWER SUPPLICANTS?
} Zadoc: But dude, there's PORN!  On Usenet!
} Oracle:  Really?  Let me get a look at that--oh that's AWESOME!  What?
}   You've got MORE!  This is a great idea, we should get on Usenet too.
}
} PORN on Usenet -- I mean, Supplicants on Usenet -- was a great deal
} for us.  I didn't have to be at The Oracle to get my PORN tapes --
} I mean grovels from Supplicants.  I got to travel for the first time
} in years.
}
} But then it became a bit of a nuisance.  Waiting half an hour to
} download all the binaries for my PORN -- I mean, clearing out all
} the spammers from our Usenet group -- was getting to be a nuisance.
} It used to be that if you showed up at The Oracle, it was PRETTY
} DARN IMPORTANT.  Now -- well, I was a bit embarassed.
}
} Then about 15 years ago--
}
} Oracle: ZADOC, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO THE COMPUTER?!?!
} Zadoc: But dude, there's PORN!  On the Internet!  On the World Wide Web!
}   In one download!  It's AWESOME!
} Oracle:  What?  Really?  Oh gosh, look at the resolution on that thing?
}   You got that in 30 seconds?  Well 3 cheers for the Internet.
}
} And so I knew then that we HAD to go to the Internet.  We got setup
} and were .com certified (well .org, but what's the difference)?
} It was great--got rid of the spammers, got more PORN, didn't need
} any computer, got more PORN, got more supplicants, got MORE porn--you
} got the idea.
}
} But just a few days ago:
}
} Oracle: ZADOC?  THE WEBSITE IS SLOW AGAIN!!  WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO
}   THE SERVER?!?!
} Zadoc: But dude, there's --
}
} You owe The Oracle an IPv6 conversion manual and a new source of porn.


1482-09    (10783 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Smoking is very glamorous, debonair, and sophisticated.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Indeed.  For example, anything ordinarily done using two hands
} is far cooler with only one hand plus a cigarette in the other:
}
}    - driving a car
}    - playing the trumpet
}    - cracking an egg
}    - shuffling cards
}    - changing the oil
}    - opening a blouse
}    - unhooking a bra
}    - performing CPR
}    - whacking weeds
}
} And if it's too tricky, you pair up two people and get them to
} do it together with one hand each, so they don't drop their
} smokes.  As above, respectively:
}
}    - a nail
}    - the french horn
}    - a lobster
}    - paperwork
}    - a diaper
}    - a jar
}    - a fish
}    - surgery
}    - off
}
} Still cooler, with two people plus the cigarettes, than one
} person alone.
}
} Note how the coolness factor drops off considerably if these
} activities are done with a broken arm in a sling, or if an
} opponent has you in an armlock.  It's the cigarette that's key.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pair of menthols and a carton of shades.


1482-10    (07732 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I can use some help I am a English teacher eighth grade, an my student
> don't proofread what they write. They done even spell check anything!
> They should learn grammar (that's with two A and no E but they don't
> getting that none too good). I always use the smell check so I don't
> make stupid mistakes like them do.
>
> How can I get them to be better students? Every year they are just as
> bad as before.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sad to say, this advice will be lost on you, most likely, but
} there may be hope for your students.  Tell them to do a web
} search on the terms Safire Fumblerules.
}
} Those who show appreciation for this masterpiece may be ready
} for Strunk and White.
}
} You owe the Oracle, a correctly placed comma.


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