} What's on your mind, if you will pardon the overstatement? I
} don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard for you
} to pronounce. You are obviously suffering from delusions of
} adequacy. Did your parents have any children that lived? Tell
} me, what do you, as an outsider, think of the human race? (Don't
} worry, I'm fluent in weirdo.) You're not my type; for that matter,
} you aren't even my species. Scientists will study your brain to
} learn more about your distant cousin, Man. Millions of years ago,
} man climbed out of the slime - want to join the party? They broke
} the mold BEFORE they made you, and when you were born the doctor
} slapped your mother. There are two kinds of people in this world,
} and you are not one of them. You are a pimple on the face of
} humanity; somebody please come and pop you. You are like some ...
} gigantic robot nerd assembled from the parts of lesser nerds. I
} try never to forget a face, but I'm willing to make an exception
} for you. In fact I'm considering memorizing your name and throwing
} my head away.
} You're all basket and no eggs, all booster and no payload, all foam
} and no beer, all hat and no cowboy. You've got your paddle, all
} right, but no canoe.
} Being good at being stupid doesn't count. Were you born that way,
} or did you have to study? Yours is a titanic intellect... in a
} world full of icebergs. Too bad stupidity isn't painful. You're
} about as sharp as a bowl of jello. You may be stupid, but you sure
} aren't clever. You've got a mind like a steel trap - rusty and
} closed. What's the height of stupidity? I'm not sure... how tall
} are you? I'd try being nicer if you tried being smarter. Everyone
} has the right to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege.
} Even an unplugged clock is right twice a day. Been short on oxygen
} one time too many? When you go to the mind reader, do you get half
} price? Do you run air conditioning year round to keep your IQ above
} room-temperature? You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding
} through peanut butter. Your brain is so small that if you put it
} on the edge of a razor blade, it would look like a pea rolling down
} a 4 lane highway. Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to
} be let out alone. The proctologist called; they found your head.
} The dentist said your wisdom teeth are retarded. The gates are
} down, the lights are flashing, but the train just ain't coming.
} Someone blew out your pilot light. Ever stop to think, and forget
} to start again? The way things go over your head, you'd be a champ
} at mental limbo dancing. It takes you two hours to make minute rice.
} It takes you a week to watch `60 Minutes'. Anything preying on your
} mind would starve to death. If brains were dynamite, you couldn't
} blow your hat off; if money, you'd be six pesos in debt; if taxed,
} you'd get a rebate; if water, you'd be a walking desert. If you had
} one more neuron you'd have a synapse. If you had one more ounce of
} brains, you'd be half-witted. If idiots could fly, your house would
} be an airport. If stupidity was a crime, you'd get a life sentence.
} If you were as tall as you are stupid, you'd make the NBA All Star
} team. If you can find a village without its idiot, you'll be set
} for life. Stupidity is not a handicap -- park elsewhere. In a
} battle of wits, you are the pacifist. If what you don't know can't
} hurt you, you're invulnerable. If ignorance is bliss, then why on
} EARTH aren't you happy?
} The Idiot Store called, they said they're running out of you.
} I wonder how many angels could dance on your head? It's unclear
} which of Newton's 3 laws of motion keeps your ears apart. You
} suffer from aviary neurology, birdbrain. Not even Hercules could
} knock out your brains, you don't have any. You have a rare but
} serious case of cerebellum nonexistium. It didn't take much
} reductio to get down to absurdium from where you started. Sorry
} about your rectocranial inversion.
} Roses are red, violets are black; you'd look better with a knife
} in your back. I always wanted to be rich, and while I'm dreaming,
} I wish you weren't so ugly. The weather is here, wish you were
} beautiful. It's okay to be ugly, but aren't you overdoing it?
} You must have fallen out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on
} the way down. You must have had your cosmetic surgery performed
} by Picasso. Why don't you give yourself a treat - paint all your
} mirrors. You're so ugly, Peeping Toms ask you to pull down your
} shades. You're so ugly, the psychiatrist makes you lie face down.
} You're so ugly, you could scare a pitbull out of a meat locker.
} You're so ugly, you have to sneak up on a glass of water to get
} a drink. You're so ugly, you'd cause a train to take a dirt road.
} If looks could kill, you would be an Uzi.
} Your lips aren't saying anything and your eyes are saying "read
} my lips". You qualify for the witless protection program. There's
} a few dots missing from the dice of your life. There's a few
} sunflower seeds missing from your trailmix. You've got too much
} yardage between the goal posts. Your fence is missing a few pickets.
} You're not the brightest bulb in the chandelier, nor the sharpest
} knife in the drawer. You couldn't get a clue even in the middle of
} clue mating season if you were standing in a field full of excited
} clues with your body smeared with clue musk dancing the clue mating
} You're a few beers short of a six-pack. You're a couple of tacos
} short of a combination plate. You're a few french fries short of
} a Happy Meal. You're a few peas short of a casserole. You're a
} few hot peppers short of an enchilada. You're a few sandwiches
} short of a picnic. You're a couple of volts below threshold.
} You're a few bytes short of a K. You're a few clowns short of a
} circus. You're a few green stamps short of a free toaster. You're
} one wave short of a shipwreck. You're a few kittens short of
} a litter. You're a few shingles shy of a roof. You're a few
} wheatbags short of a silo. You're one card short of a full deck.
} You're a few neurons short of a brain. You're about 4 cents short
} of a nickel. You're about 12 shy of a dozen.
} You're diagonally parked in a parallel universe. You're half a
} bubble off plumb. Your bait can is a few minnows short. Your
} elevator doesn't make it to the top floor. Your receiver is off
} the hook. Your antenna doesn't pick up all the channels. Your
} dipstick isn't touching oil. Your lugnuts are rattling in your
} hubcaps. Your mouth is in gear, but your brain is in neutral.
} You're knitting with only one needle. Your family tree doesn't
} fork. You're not so much a has-been, as a won't-be. You're
} skating on the wrong side of the ice. You're meandering to a
} different drummer.
} You're about as useful as a braille speedometer, as a revolving
} basement restaurant, as a screen door on a submarine, as a see-
} through mirror, as a snake charmer with a deaf cobra, as a
} stowaway on a Kamikaze plane, as an ejection seat in a helicopter,
} as microwave popsicles, as a fork in a soup bowl, as a lead life
} raft, as a solar powered foghorn, as roll-on hairspray,
} You have fallen off Mildly Crazy Plateau and right into Loopyville
} Canyon, after reaching the apex of Mount Clueless. You are the
} mayor of Loserville. Here's your crown, King Nothing.
} You always cease to amaze me. Whether you can hear it or not,
} the Universe is laughing behind your back. Why don't you do us
} all a favor and pull your lip over your head and swallow? You
} are one of the least minimally unintelligent organic life forms
} it has been my profound lack of pleasure not to be able to avoid
} meeting. Keep taking those stupidity pills, they're working.
} You are no longer beneath my contempt.
} Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence. If I
} promise to miss you will you please go away? I've enjoyed just
} about as much of you as I can stand. I like your approach, now
} let's see your departure. You really should go far, and the
} sooner you start, the better. I'd be glad to help you out, which
} way did you come in? Support your local rescue squad - get lost.
} I want to go back to how things were before we knew each other.
} When the phone don't ring, you'll know it's me. I'm already
} visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. But burying you would
} be the waste of a hole. Guys like you are a dime a dozen - on
} second thought, I'll keep my dime. As the Bard put it, I dote
} on your very absence. Now go have a nice day, somewhere else.
} Just kidding.
} You owe the Oracle a clever comeback.