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Internet Oracularities #1483

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Internet Oracularities #1483    (19 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 15 Jun 2011 12:53:57 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1483
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1483  19 votes 05383 11656 75241 13645 67420 13555 04843 38521 25732 07453
1483  3.1 mean  3.5   3.7   2.3   3.5   2.1   3.5   3.3   2.5   2.9   3.2


1483-01    (05383 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, most health-conscious!
> Can I have your best recipe for low carb baked potato, please?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Bake six scrubbed Russet potatoes at 350 degrees F for ninety
} minutes.  Remove from oven, let cool for 15 minutes, slice in
} half, and scoop out the flesh and set aside for later, leaving
} the skin halves intact.
}
} During the 15 minute cooling period, stew two cups of white
} styrofoam "peanuts" in four cups of water, until tender.  Drain.
}
} Fill the potato skins with the styrofoam.  Add chives and ground
} pepper, to taste.  Throw the resulting mess in the trash, along
} with the reserved flesh.  Gnaw on a celery stalk in annoyance.
} Voila.
}
} You owe the Oracle Dan Quayle's recipe book.


1483-02    (11656 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> As you have probably guessed by being omniscient, I am a weather nut.
> I'm really fascinated by weather, the atmosphere, and even the weather
> on other planets, like Mars and Venus. Never a clear day on Venus.
>
> So for English class I had to read The Tempest by William Shakespeare.
> Only something went wrong when my friend Fat Freddie copied down the
> assignment for me. His handwriting is clousy. I spent hours at the
> library trying to find The Tempest by Willard Stratosphere.
>
> Eventually I just gave up and wrote the book myself, happily changing
> my name to Willard Stratosphere. How can I get royalties? Fat Freddie
> says the idea was his.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sorry to learn your local library didn't have it.  Here are some
} highlights:
}
}    To be rainy, or not to be rainy, that is with 60% probability
}    the question.
}
}    Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears: a funnel cloud
}    has been sighted in your area.
}
}    Cry "Havoc," and let slip the dogs of freezing drizzle.
}
}    Out, out, brief candle!  Winds will gust to 35 MPH.
}
}    The course of true love never did run smooth, and a high wind
}    warning is also in effect for small watercraft until 8 pm.
}
}    Beware the tides of March.
}
}    O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?  Verily, this fog
}    is a real pea-souper.
}
}    Now is the winter of our discontent. Not ONE stinking weekend
}    with fresh powder.
}
}    Et tu, Summer?
}
}    Life is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
}    signifying a hail and thunder storm heading your way.
}
}    If you prick us, do we not bleed?  If you tickle us, do we not
}    laugh?  And if you forecast clear skies, do we not get soaked
}    anyway?
}
}    Is this an umbrella which I see before me, the handle toward
}    my hand?  Come, let me clutch thee.  I have thee not, and yet
}    I see thee still; I have this feeling I'm about to get soaked
}    again.
}
}    It is the east, and Juliet is the sun. She rose at 5:42 this
}    morning.
}
}    All the world's a bluescreen, and all the men and women merely
}    certified meteorologists.  They have their exits and their
}    entrances, and one man in his time covers 6 pm, 11 pm and the
}    weekends.
}
}    Brevity is the soul of wit; ambiguity, of forecasting.
}
}    The first thing we do, let's kill all the weathermen.
}
} You owe the Oracle a sunny smile.


1483-03    (75241 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey, incarnation!  I've looked over the digests, I've looked over the
> voting records, and the answer is obvious. The quality of the question
> has nothing to do with the quality of the Oracularity.  It's the
> incarnation that makes, or fails to make, an Oracularity.  So, it
> doesn't matter what I write here; it's all up to you.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hey, incarnation!  I've looked over the digests, I've looked over the
} voting records, and the answer is obvious. The quality of the question
} has nothing to do with the quality of the Oracularity.  It's the
} incarnation that makes, or fails to make, an Oracularity.  So, it
} doesn't matter what I write here; it's all up to you.


1483-04    (13645 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey, incarnation!  I've looked over the digests, I've looked over the
> voting records, and the answer is obvious. The quality of the question
> has nothing to do with the quality of the Oracularity.  It's the
> incarnation that makes, or fails to make, an Oracularity.  So, it
> doesn't matter what I write here; it's all up to you.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I know, I know.  The pressure is terrible.
}
} And I'm afraid this comes at a really bad time for me.  Like I need
} any *more* pressure right now.
}
} I've been working 60 hour weeks lately and the boss is still on my
} back because our project is behind schedule and we haven't started
} the beta yet.  It looks like I'm not getting any hours again this
} week at my second job at the convenience store, either.  The mortgage
} is several months behind, and I just got a "final" notice from the
} bank that they're going to foreclose - if I spend a few hours on the
} phone I can probably stall them.  My wife went into premature labor
} last week, and so she's going to be on complete bed rest for the next
} six weeks until it's safe for the baby to be born.  That means the
} Dragon Lady, sorry I mean my mother-in-law, will be coming to look
} after Muffy, Buffy, Duffy and Tuffy; and what's worse, my OWN mother
} has also offered to come and "help out".  Oh, and the car's still not
} running right, and the guy at the shop tells me it's going to need
} a new engine and transmission and brakes and body.  Plus I need to
} renew my license which means waiting in line all day at the DMV
} sometime this week.
}
} But hey, you didn't come here to listen to me kvetch.  I know you
} are counting on me.  And I in turn can rely on a favorite meme.
} So, here goes...
}
} > look
} You are standing at the end of a road before a small brick building.
}
} > north
} You are blocked by a snake wielding a project plan.
} If you proceed you are likely to be eaten by a grue.
}
} > south
} You are blocked by a bird wielding a car repair bill.
} If you proceed you are likely to be eaten by a grue.
}
} > east
} You are blocked by a bear wielding an eviction notice.
} If you proceed you are likely to be eaten by a grue.
}
} > tear up eviction notice
} With what? Your bare hands? Against *his* bear hands??
}
} > west
} You are blocked by two dragons wielding guilt.
} If you proceed you are likely to be eaten by a grue.
}
} > look
} You are standing at the end of a road before a small brick building.
}
} > go inside
} You are in a maze of twisty little passages, all alike.
}
} > aw crap
} That's not a verb I recognize.
}
} > inventory
} You are carrying nothing.
}
} > go out
} You are in a maze of twisty little passages, all alike.
} A DMV troll wielding a rubber stamp looks at you menacingly.
}
} > north
} You are in a maze of twisty little passages, all alike.
} The DMV troll looks at you menacingly.
}
} > up
} You are blocked by a supplicant wielding what amounts to a null
} question.  If you proceed you are likely to be eaten by a grue.
} You are in a maze of twisty little passages, all alike.  The
} DMV troll looks at you menacingly.
}
} > proceed anyway
} That's not a verb I recognize.
} If you proceed you are likely to be eaten by a grue.  You are in
} a maze of twisty little passages, all alike.  A snake, a bird, a
} bear, two dragons, a DMV troll and a supplicant all look at you
} menacingly.
}
} > quit
} Are you sure you want to quit? Y
} ***END OF SESSION***
}
} Sorry.  I really need a vacation, but I'm pretty sure that isn't
} happening.  I used to incarnate to relax, but now I don't even get
} that luxury.  I guess I'm going to have to go with the following:
}
} The Oracle is pondering your question.  Expect an answer in a
} year or two.


1483-05    (67420 dist, 2.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Good Lord! That's disgusting!
>
> Tell me, oh wise and brilliant Oracle, surely that can't be legal?
> Please tell me that's so?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Behind closed doors it is! sicko.
}
} You owe the Oracle a high school health class and a talk with your
} parents.


1483-06    (13555 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Arthur Fogthorpe here. Gotta question for you. My one grandmother,
> "Grammer Wilkins," says the best way to clean the house is with
> ammonia. The other one (Dad's mom, Grandmaw Fogthorpe) says to use
> bleach.
>
> So rather than get into an argument, I guessed that BOTH of them were
> right. I mixed the bleach and the ammonia. Poured five gallons of each
> onto the cellar floor. Cleaned out the whole house! We had to leave for
> a week while the fire department set up their huge fans to get rid of
> the poisonous smell.
>
> When will I learn to stop trying to satisfy everbody? And would I have
> been better off to listen to Aunt Clortilda Etherbomb instead? She
> advised I used tongue of bat and eye of newt, but I thought she was
> just crazy. Prombly wouldn't have smelled so bad, irregardless.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                   Your Friend The Chlorine Atom
}
} You probably know about the chemical element Oxygen.  Maybe you
} also know about Iron and Copper and Steel and Aluminum - they're
} all elements as well.  But I bet not one out of your entire room
} of classmates knows about the element Chlorine.  Keep reading, and
} you'll be able to amaze your friends with some cool facts.
}
} Did you know that without Chlorine, you would die?  It's true.
} That's because half your body weight is made up of Salt, the white
} powder in the shaker on your kitchen table, or the dining room table
} if your parents are rich.  Without Salt, you'd shrivel up like an
} old prune, or maybe like the leather on your Sunday best shoes.
} (Sabbath if you are Jewish.  Or whatever you dress up for if you
} are Chinese.)   And do you know what Salt atoms are made up of?
} Sodium and Calcium, which together is called Sodium Chloride.
} Chlorine and Chloride are simply different flavors of the same
} thing - Chlorine is kind of sour, while Chloride is (obviously)
} salty tasting.
}
} But that's not all that Clorine is good for.  There's fun stuff
} too.  Did you know you can make acid with it?  No, not the kind
} hippies take, and not weak acid like vinegar or beer either, I mean
} the kind that totally can burn up stuff, like your report card if
} you-know-who is planning to ground you for the summer.  You combine
} Hydrogen (which is half of the chemical element Water) with Calcium
} and you get Hydrogen Chlorine, which is used in car batteries to
} burn up Led (that's another chemical element) to make electricity.
} Get your older brother to open up the hood of your dad's car, and
} use a straw to suck out some of the Hydrogen Clhorine juice from
} the battery, and try some science experiments of your own!  See how
} much is needed to make the petals fall off of your mom's roses,
} for instance.  Don't drink it yourself though - it's poison and
} would kill you, at least if you're a sissy and can't take much
} in the way of physical punishment.
}
} Chlourines are also very important for many of the chemicals used
} in industry.  Adding them to Carbon (the chemical name of charcoal)
} for instance makes other kinds of poison that taste much better
} than acid and yet will kill all that it touches or comes within
} a mile of.  As stated on Wikipedia or somewhere like that: "When
} chlorine is chemically reacted into carbon-structured organic
} compounds to make chlorocarbons, the carbon and chlorine atoms
} bind to each other by mutually sharing electrons in their outer
} shells. This arrangement adversely affects human metabolism
} because our mitochondrial and cellular enzyme systems are designed
} to completely utilize organic molecules containing carbon, hydrogen,
} oxygen, nitrogen, and other compatible nutritional elements."
} Really makes you stop and think, doesn't it?
}
} But we can leave that poindexter stuff to the scientists.  They
} are working on how to combine the Chorline molecule with other
} elements like Iron or Plastic, to create wonder drugs and amazing
} new cell phones that float in the air, one supposes.  That's what
} makes it so important to study Science, so you can help contribute
} to these miracles of Science that would not be possible if you
} didn't study subjects like Math and Science and Chemistry!  The
} world is getting pretty scientific so you'd better keep up.  And
} Chlarine is part of science.
}
} One final tip.  Don't EVER mix bleach and ammonia.  The Clhourine
} that is in ammonia will fight it out with whatever is in the
} bleach and make a stink that you won't soon forget.  This author
} heard about one kid who tried that, and they had to call the
} fire department who brought big fans, and boy did that kid get
} in trouble!  Just say no.
}
} WHAT DID YOU LEARN?
} 1) Chlorine is made up of
}    a) Oxygen
}    b) Iron
}    c) A blend of Chlorine atoms and Chlorine molecules
}    d) Chloride
} 2) All acids are made by mixing
}    a) Hydrogen and Chlorine
}    b) Water and salt
}    c) Battery juice and led
}    d) Vinegar and Beer
} 3) Without which of these elements would you shrivel up like a
}    prune or shoe leather (Sunday, Sabbath or Chinese)?
}    a) Salt
}    b) Chlorine
}    b) Chlorine
}    d) Vinegar and Beer
}
} USE WHAT YOU LEARNED
} 1) Try out the experiments listed in this chapter.  Which one
}    gets you in the most trouble?
} 2) You didn't try giving battery juice to your dog, did you?
}    Because, that would be wrong.
} 3) If you did feed some to Fido and he died, then you won't be
}    able to blame your mom's dead roses on him peeing on the bushes.
}    So learn to think ahead!
} 4) Try mixing some Chlorine with other chemicals, and see if
}    you get floating cell phones or something.
}
} You owe the Oracle a passing grade on Friday's test.


1483-07    (04843 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Testing

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Positive.  Sorry.  Please set up a series of appointments at the
} front desk.
}
} You owe the Oracle a valid health insurance card.


1483-08    (38521 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who would win in a fight, Ichigo or Goku?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ichigo would win, assuming he can get in a good kick to
} Goku's enormous Draggin' Balls.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bottle of bleach to remove the Blecch.


1483-09    (25732 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why don't you care if Jimmy cracks corn?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} For the same reason I don't care how much lumber a marmot
} can heave: it's an old and trite question in this forum.
}
} Here is an instructive ditty.
}
}    One day the supplicant
}    Took a break from his porn,
}    To ask the Oracle
}    About cracking corn.
}    Bad luck for him,
}    The Oracle was potted,
}    And that's the day
}    The supplicant got *ZOT*ted.
}
}    Supplicant's zotted, and I don't care,
}    Supplicant's zotted, and I don't care,
}    Supplicant's zotted, and I don't care,
}    I'm glad he's gone away.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bottle, 'cause he's dry.


1483-10    (07453 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most punny, who is Ellen the Generous?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} She is one of the most influential women in the past hundred
} years, through her monetary gifts to those she deems worthy.
}
} In the political arena, she has supported US lawmakers Jim the
} Mint and Tom the Lay; outside the US in her earlier years she
} gave support to Charles the Gaulle.
}
} She has often provided resources to promising thespians.  Among
} her financial beneficiaries have been Dana the Lany, Zooey the
} Chanel, Dom the Luise, Catherine the Neuve, Danny the Vito,
} Willem the Foe, and Bo the Rek.
}
} Ellen has also supported Cruella, Mink and Cadillac the Vil(le).
}
} Other entertainment proteges, who have had only partial success
} in making names for themselves, have been Susan the y, Johnny
} the pp, and Ruby and Sandra the e.
}
} Her worst lapse of judgement was bankrolling Albert the Salvo,
} otherwise know as the Boston Strangler.  Oops.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Marco DeStinction and a Norm DePlume.


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