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Internet Oracularities #1484

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1484, 1484-01, 1484-02, 1484-03, 1484-04, 1484-05, 1484-06, 1484-07, 1484-08, 1484-09, 1484-10


Internet Oracularities #1484    (24 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 07 Jul 2011 15:35:13 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1484
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1484  24 votes 57831 23793 5c502 08b23 47760 56841 125a6 02958 05775 68541
1484  3.0 mean  2.5   3.3   2.2   3.0   2.6   2.6   3.8   3.8   3.5   2.4


1484-01    (57831 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> how can i overcome her increasing presence in my dreams?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lurid dreaming.


1484-02    (23793 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My name is Roger, and I'm an oraclaholic!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Welcome and welcome to the Oracle's 12-Step group for Oracle Addiction!
}
} Let's review the 12 steps:
}
} 1) We admitted we were powerless over tellmes, that our desire to
} submit questions to other lonely people had become unmanageable.
}
} 2) We came to believe that an askme could restore us to sanity.
}
} 3) We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care
} of mailer daemons.
}
} 4) Made a searching and fearless list hoping it would be digested.
}
} 5) Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact
} nature of our desire to submit half-encoded personal questions hoping
} to get a relevant answer while all the while being able to play it off
} like it was just a big joke.
}
} 6) We were entirely ready to have the Oracle amuse or disappoint us.
}
} 7) Made a list of responses we had botched and became willing to
} do more askmes so we could screw them up more.
}
} 8) Did some more askmes and provided half-baked replies.
}
} 9) Continued to review our "glory days" of inspired responses from
} 2006, 2000, 1995, 1989...
}
} 10) Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious
} contact with humor, and then frittered it away on communications with
} anonymous strangers.
}
} 11) Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we
} tried to carry this message to compulsive incarnati to assist them in
} being more like themselves.
}
} 12) We then did another personal tellme and sat back to wait for the
} attention to pour in.
}
} You owe the Oracle all that and a bag of 6-month chips.


1484-03    (5c502 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I feel you could be more dangerous!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I feel you could be less masochist.


1484-04    (08b23 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Yah yah cthulhu fhtaghn !
> Yah yah cthulhu fhtaghn !
> Yah yah cthulhu fhtaghn !

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Cthulhu waits."  Yeah.  Waits tables at The Old Spaghetti Factory(tm),
} you mean.  Quite the ironic decline in fortune, seeing as he's the
} priest of elder gods resembling the Flying Spaghetti Monster.  I've
} seen more than my share of elder gods arrive and depart this cosmos by
} now.  More like elderly gods in this case; their Noodly Appendages have
} gone significantly past "al dente," if you get my drift, and for them
} Lovecraft is a thing of the past.
}
} You owe the Oracle a mythos of marinara.


1484-05    (47760 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why are some jokes that much funnier at night?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Intoxication happens mostly at night. There is a correlation.


1484-06    (56841 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O perfectly coiffed Oracle,
>
> Is it true? People used to wash their hair with guano??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yeah.  They stopped when they realized they missed the company of
} females.


1484-07    (125a6 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's your favorite story?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I don't have a single favorite.  I'm not fussy, and many authors
} can please me.  In general...
}
} I like my stories the way I like my women: a lot of laughs, not
} too much drama, and frequently touching.
}
} I like my stories the way I like my burials: with a simple plot.
}
} I like my stories the way I like my restaurants: developed with
} an interesting theme.
}
} I like my stories the way I like my diamonds: in a good setting.
}
} I like my stories the way I like my cameras: with a clear point of
} view.
}
} I like my stories the way I like my phone books: a large cast of
} characters and I don't care about psychological development.
}
} I like my stories the way I like my deli sandwiches: make the hero
} wry and a little cheesy.
}
} I like my stories the way I like my fashion models' bones: having
} good structure.
}
} I like my stories the way I like my strippers: just give me an
} entertaining exposition and for goodness' sake don't make it a drag.
}
} I like my stories the way I like my New Years Day: with a plausible
} resolution.
}
} I like my stories the way I like my politicians: with a good moral.
}
} I like my stories the way I like my nipples: with a few good twists
} near the end to move things along.
}
} I like my stories the way I like my lap dances: with a happy ending.
}
} You owe the Oracle a proper climax to this telling.


1484-08    (02958 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How low can you go?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} All right.  I can see you are an experienced car buyer, with a
} good head for business on your shoulders, so there's no point
} in hiding anything from you.  I wouldn't do that anyway, I'm
} not like those fast-buck artists, I depend on repeat business
} and customer referrals.  Yeah, I'll just cut to the chase, and
} tell you that I can let this exceptionally fine vehicle go for
} thirty-four five, not the thirty-nine that's marked.  That's
} just a couple hundred over what the lot owner paid the little
} old lady who had it before now.  She only raced it on Saturdays,
} otherwise it was just to the grocery store and to church.  Yeah,
} those little scratches will buff right out; I can't ask the body
} shop guys to do that at such a low price, but you can get what
} you need at any parts store and do the work yourself in ten
} minutes, tops.  No, those aren't dents; aerodynamic features,
} they provide downward thrust for better handling, yet let you
} slip through the air for great gas mileage, 50 MPG on the
} highway.  Not many full size SUVs can claim that.  The tires?
} No, they're designed like that, they're called run-flat, look
} them up on the Internet, they're a high end item.  No, they
} don't all have to be flat, the three that are pumped up will
} work just as good.  And tread?  That's merely a style decision
} by the tire manufacturer, you actually get better traction when
} it's like that, you don't think those guys who race Indy cars
} are idiots, do you, they all run with slick tires.  No, that's
} not a crack in the windshield, that's how high end windshields
} are designed these days, with a pre-stressed fault line to
} absorb the forces in the event of a crash.  The driver's side
} door handle, well now, that's a safety feature too - you
} probably know that most car-jackings are done by opening the
} driver's door and pulling the driver out.  No no, this vehicle
} isn't abnormally prone to car-jacking, but it's certainly a
} desirable vehicle, and in this day and age you can't be too
} careful, so crawling in on the passenger side is for your own
} protection.  Speaking of desirable, I've got another buyer
} coming in tomorrow morning to take a second look at it, so if
} you want to do business my advice would be to grab this deal
} while it's still on the table for you.  I'm sure a smart buyer
} like you will know what to do.
}
} Yes, this is really and truly as low as I, or anyone, can go.
}
} You owe the Oracle a $499.95 down payment on rustproofing of
} the muffler bearings.


1484-09    (05775 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My girlfriend Zelda says that if I really love her I'll become a
> vegetarian. The problem is that I like Oscar Meyer hot dogs. I even
> like to sing the song, but it disgusts Zelda, so I'll stop singing it.
> Mostly.
>
> For a while I was thinking about lying to Zelda about stopping eating
> hot dogs, but I'm sure she would follow me around like a paranoid or
> something.
>
> I tried some vegetarian hot dogs made out of soy turd, and they were
> awwful.
>
> So I was thinking, Trader Joe's now has a chicken hot dog. They are all
> natural and organic and don't have any chemicals like chlorine, iron or
> germnasium. And chickens are sort of like vegetables, not like cows. I
> think they even eat vegetables or something, not like cows who eat
> whatever cows eat.
>
> Are chicken hot dogs kosher for a vegetarian diet? And if they are not,
> how can I convince Zelda that they are?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Supplicant,
}
} Here are some suggestions:
}
} 1) Hypnosis.  Speak in a soothing tone and tell her that chickens are
} vegetables.
}
} 2) Simple substitution (this is more deceit than convincing): put
} celery on a hot dog bun and move it toward your face while salivating.
} Then shout "look behind you!"  When she turns away, scarf a beef frank
} real quick and toss the celerog.
}
} 3) This will take some prep.  Convince her that she was wrong ever to
} think chickens were not vegetables.  Depending on the level of her
} intelligence, you could try
}
} a) simply covering a chicken corpse with dirt in your yard, seeing a
} feather, pulling it up from the ground as if surprised and say "I can't
} believe it!  Chickens are vegetables!  Damn you public education!"
}
} b) make a mock-up chicken farm (enlist your friends) with acres upon
} acres of chickens "rooted" to the ground.  Take her for a visit.  Make
} it spontaneous -- when you're driving along to the vegetable store, say
} "Let's stop and see a chicken farm!  Maybe we can liberate some
} chickens!" When you get there -- uh-oh!  Chickens are vegetables!  Who
} knew? Have a nice laugh, and then a nice chog.*
}
} 4) Confuse the matter by treating vegetables as chickens for some time.
} For example, make a clucking noise whenever a carrot is around.  Go
} through the motions of plucking a beet.  Carry okra with you and refer
} to it as a flightless bird.  Then once she has transferred the sense
} "chicken" to vegetable phenomena, she will be ready to have "vegetable"
} applied to chicken phenomena.
}
} 5) If none of the above options works, you could simply try forcing her
} to accept the idea that a chicken hot dog is part of a healthy
} vegetarian diet.
}
} You owe the Oracle a broccoli jacket, a spinach collar, and a pea hat.
}
} *Chog, like celerog, is a portmanteau of "chicken" and "dog."  Most
} speakers avoid the other choice, 'dicken', for the possible ambiguity
} in utterances such as "Well aren't you just the cutest little dickens!"
} If 'dicken' were current for 'chicken dog', confusion could arise
} between the senses:
}
} a) You are a cute little devil.
} b) You are a cute tolt of chicken dogs.


1484-10    (68541 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it so hard

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Usually because of the reading material or whatever you have at hand.


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