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Internet Oracularities #1485

Goto:
1485, 1485-01, 1485-02, 1485-03, 1485-04, 1485-05, 1485-06, 1485-07, 1485-08, 1485-09, 1485-10


Internet Oracularities #1485    (23 votes, 3.3 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 27 Jul 2011 10:53:31 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1485
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1485  23 votes 15962 135a4 44960 34a42 11786 02a74 04487 37733 14927 27824
1485  3.3 mean  3.1   3.6   2.7   2.9   3.7   3.6   3.8   2.8   3.4   3.0


1485-01    (15962 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I don't owe the Oracle squat!  He didn't answer my concern.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear supplicant,
}
} Your message got us very much concerned. Supplications falling though
} the cracks are the first sign of a lax management structure, and we
} will endeavor to start an inquiry immediately to investigate what went
} wrong.
}
} In the meantime we managed to collect your last five submission, and
} would like to ask you to please state which one in specific was the
} concern to which you received no answer:
}
} On 21 June 2011 22:59, The Internet Oracle <oracle@cs.indiana.edu>
} wrote:
}
} > The Internet Oracle requires an answer to this question!
} >
} > > Hey Oracle! How are you doing? I though maybe we should hang out
} > > again, it was fun the other day. Call me!
}
} On 21 June 2011 23:05, The Internet Oracle <oracle@cs.indiana.edu>
} wrote:
}
} > The Internet Oracle requires an answer to this question!
} >
} > > Hi, it's me again... Sorry, I though you might not have received my
} > > last message. Or did you? Anyway, you should reply to me some time,
} > > I miss you. XXX
}
} On 21 June 2011 23:15, The Internet Oracle <oracle@cs.indiana.edu>
} wrote:
}
} > The Internet Oracle requires an answer to this question!
} >
} > > Hey, yeah, are you busy now? It's cool, I understand, having to
} > > answer all those question. But I was here, thinking of you, and
} > > wondering when are you going to reply? Anyway, it's cool. I'll be
} > > here, waiting, OK?
}
} On 21 June 2011 23:45, The Internet Oracle <oracle@cs.indiana.edu>
} wrote:
}
} > The Internet Oracle requires an answer to this question!
} >
} > > All right, this is stupid now. What is wrong with you, why can't
} > > you answer my questions? I don't know what is it that I did wrong,
} > > all I wanted was for you to care about me. Now, if you don't want to
} > > reply, it's your loss!
}
} On 21 June 2011 23:48, The Internet Oracle <oracle@cs.indiana.edu>
} wrote:
}
} > The Internet Oracle requires an answer to this question!
} >
} > > Hey, sorry, I didn't mean to shout... please reply, ok?
}
} On 21 June 2011 23:59, The Internet Oracle <oracle@cs.indiana.edu>
} wrote:
}
} > The Internet Oracle requires an answer to this question!
} >
} > > I don't owe the Oracle squat!  He didn't answer my concern.
}
} You owe the Oracle a squat. A square one please, without any feathers.


1485-02    (135a4 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What did you just call me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} F riend, you must have misunderstood me.  Out of
} a ll the people I know, you are the last that I would
} r udely treat by name calling.  I don't know what
} t here is that I need to take back.
}
} F or all I know, you overheard someone else speaking
} a nd thought it was me.  Either that, or else a
} c hance comment on my part was misconstrued.  In
} e ither case, I hope we can move on.
}
} You owe the Oracle a breath mint.


1485-03    (44960 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the meaning of Death?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Remember last time, when I told you the meaning of Life? Multiply that
} by the square root of minus pi, and subtract three eighths and a
} smidgeon. That's about as close as you can get without going on the
} expedition yourself, seeing how you once said, "I'd rather DIE than
} have to study math ever again!"
}
} You owe the Oracle the meaning of Time and of Sports Illustrated.


1485-04    (34a42 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dearest Oracle, I beg you to assist me in a terrible quandry I have
> found myself in.
>
> It all began simply enough... I was using the photo editor at the local
> grocery. I had auto-selected the image of a local drunk who had
> wandered into the frame of a portrate I had taken of the family. A
> local child, obviously unfamiliar with photo editing technology was
> looking on as i hit the "delete' key.
>
> "where does the man go" the child asked
>
> "he goes into the trash dear" I responded. In the scoop of photo
> editing my answer was quite innocent. This statement however would
> become the bane oof my existance. As you know at the same time I was
> editing the photo at the grocery, someone had shot the guy and disposed
> of his body in a trash can.
>
> "Big Deal" ehh just a coicadence?
>
> Well tell that to the guy's mobster brother who caught wind of the
> local rumour that I was the one who had put his brother in the trash
> can. now he wants me to do the same thing to several people of his
> choosing or he will "off me".
>
> Certainly he won't be amused by me simply retuning the pictures of the
> targets with the subject edited out. Don't these guys keep up with
> current events and technology?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} a) A certain degree of literalism earns you a lot of respect in certain
} branches of 'family business'. b) Never underestimate the powers of a
} child's belief in words - there is magic to be found here. c) Try to
} get take a picture of a certain member of a certain 'family' - you'll
} know what to do with it.
}
} You owe the oracle a snapshot of his landlord, to whom he in turn owes
} 3256 years of rent.


1485-05    (11786 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Some questions are simply unanswerable. Here are some...
>
> "When was it that you stopped being able to understand any of the
> concepts of time?"
>
> "What is the best way to eat soft-boiled elephant snot?"
>
> "What kind of weather was there when you saw the Invisible Man?"
>
> What do you, the Admittedly Omniscient Oracle, do with unanswerable
> lunatic questions like that? You clearly know the answers to
> everything.
>
> What is the correct answer to an unanswerable question?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sorry, but where are the unanswerable questions?  I stopped being able
} to understand the concepts of time a week ago, but it didn't last.  The
} best way to eat soft-boiled elephant snot is slowly.  It was snowy, or
} I couldn't have seen the Invisible Man.
}
} When I get questions like that, I answer them.  What the heck do YOU do
} with them?
}
} And you know the rest.
}
} You owe the Oracle a truly unanswerable question - one that has nothing
} to do with rodents, mind you.


1485-06    (02a74 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Can I get another null question?  I know exactly what to do with it.
> Thanks.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No prob.  Here ya go:
}
} >
}
} Looking forward, as always, to reading what you've got in mind.
}
} And now, in response to your own virtually null question, here is my
} Top Ten list of responses to a null question.
}
} 10) A null answer, of course.
} 9)  A crappy top ten list.
} 8)  A good top ten list (warning, this option actually takes some
}     effort).
} 7)  Answer a question you make up that supposedly was written in
}     invisible ink or a microscopic font.
} 6)  Pretending the sound or brightness is turned down too low is good
}     too.
} 5)  Treat it as a w**dch*ck question and zot the asker.
} 4)  Make up something involving Lisa, Zadoc, and the rest of the
}     in-jokes.
} 3)  Or Nethack/Adventure - never gets old, right?
} 2)  Recycle an old Sore Loser offering you think deserves a second
}     chance by the priests.
} 1)  Delete it and let the next incarnation think up something.
}
} All in all I think I am going to go with option #1 here.  Tag, you're
} It.
}
} You owe the Oracle, well, I guess nothing would be appropriate, so
} nothing it is.  Or, "is not", strictly speaking.
}
} PS.  Ha ha, I snuck a space character into the above null question.  So
} it's not really null after all.  Sucker.


1485-07    (04487 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> One of my passwords is "elephant" so that I don't forget it.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Interesting.  One of my hobbies is "identity theft" so that I
} don't lose my lavish lifestyle.
}
} You owe the Oracle an inattentive fortnight.


1485-08    (37733 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I am attempting to resolve a difficulty in time-distortion analysis,
> and I hope that you can help, that is, if you have not become distorted
> yourself. It seems that the partial answer I received from you was from
> the future, specifically from the time between 2010 and 2012. Where I
> sit, temporally speaking, it is 1967, and Barry Goldwater is still
> President of the United States. We are thankful that he was able to end
> the Vietnam difficulty without resorting to escalation of military
> actions as had been predicted.
>
> But I gather that you are somewhere in my future. Indeed, I had never
> heard of the Internet Oracle, or even "The Internet" (whatever it is)
> until the arrival of your answer this morning. In other words, you
> answered a question I had not asked.
>
> In your answer you referred to "President Barry" and initially I
> assumed you were talking about Mr. Goldwater. No doubt you learned in
> your history lessons about the problems that he had, with people
> claiming that he was Jewish. He has, of course, Jewish ancestry, but is
> not himself Jewish. But you said President Barry was trying to assert
> that he was not Muslim. As far as I know, that question never came up
> during Goldwater's campaign. Your phrase, "Now that we are ten years
> into the new millennium," is what made me wonder if our time
> experiments here at MIT have succeeded beyond our dreams. Communication
> backwards across time has been accomplished! Or has it? Anyway, I need
> four things from you:
>
> 1. What was the rest of your answer? It sort of broke off in the middle
> or maybe the ends.
>
> 2. What was my queestion to you?
>
> 3. Who is your "President Barry?"
>
> 4. How the heck do I send you this question? Electronic mail was
> invented here within MIT only a couple of years ago, and as far as I
> know does not reach either to Bloomington, Indiana or to the year 2010.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} By targeting customers suffering from Alzheimer's disease, the Oracle
} had hoped to be able to charge them multiple times, as they would
} forget that they had already payed.  The plan, however, backfired.


1485-09    (14927 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hi Orrie. I'm Paul Anatomy. Well, that's not my real name, but I
> couldn't really say my name here in a family-oriented Oracle, could I?
>
> What's a better euphemism for me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There is no need for euphemism.  If comedian Andy Dick, US politician
} Anthony Weiner, baseball player Pete LaCock, and designer Vera Wang
} can all carve out careers in public using their given names, I see no
} reason you can not succeed with your relatively benign surname, Dr.
} Johnson.  Many other gynecologists share it.
}
} You owe the Oracle a package of Hostess Ding Dongs.


1485-10    (27824 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle of phrase and fable,
> please send me a wonder cable:
>
> Where in the war does Micro$oft want to take me today?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They plan to use you as fodder in the battle against Google Chrome;
} your patrol will pester their tech support with questions as to why
} Google Chrome isn't computing the sums of your spreadsheets.  If you
} survive being in this assault vanguard, your objective tomorrow will
} turn to Yahoo and convincing their marketing chiefs that there is
} market demand for a high-end Sudoku solver.
}
} You owe the Oracle your overdue annual support fee.


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