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Internet Oracularities #1486

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1486, 1486-01, 1486-02, 1486-03, 1486-04, 1486-05, 1486-06, 1486-07, 1486-08, 1486-09, 1486-10


Internet Oracularities #1486    (18 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 09 Aug 2011 07:15:17 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1486
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1486  18 votes 24723 3014a 16731 26361 22482 15732 02772 14814 35811 33723
1486  3.1 mean  3.0   4.0   2.8   2.9   3.3   3.0   3.5   3.2   2.6   2.9


1486-01    (24723 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ben took a long drag on his Lucky Strike.  This doll clearly had either
} an overactive imagination, or a birdseye view of a tangled scenario
} that would be a tough nut to crack.  He considered taking a swig from
} the bottle of rye in his desk drawer, then thought better of it - she
} was a classy dame, and the money she offered was good so why risk
} queering the deal? Besides, their one night stand fifteen years ago had
} involved enough booze that he had a hunch she might still be a bit
} testy on the subject of bathtub gin.  Maybe he'd better say something
} about that whole episode, by way of explanation.  It would be swell to
} set things right, and maybe start canoodling with her again after this
} job was finished; after all the years of eating his dinners straight
} out of the tin can, maybe it was time at last to settle down.  And
} after all, her being a recent widow meant she was available again.
} Maybe more than available. Sometimes you can mix business with
} pleasure, he thought.  He leaned forward.
}
} "Danielle," the detective offered, "I sent thee late a rosy wreath,
} not so much hon'ring thee as giving it a hope that there it could not
} withered be; but thou thereon did'st only breathe, and sent'st it back
} to me, since when it grows and smells, I swear not of itself, but
} thee." He took another puff and, seeing no indication of forgiveness
} from her, leaned back in his chair and gestured for her to get on with
} her story.
}
} "Outside the gates of a California prison," she continued, "Peter
} Morgan was released after four long years and vowed to redeem himself
} in the eyes of the young daughters he left behind.  Simultaneously,
} Carl Waters, a convicted murderer, was set on the path of freedom with
} him.  That night, three hundred miles south in San Francisco, police
} detective Ted Lee came home to a silent house; for twenty-nine years,
} he has been living for his job and slowly falling out of love with his
} wife. Across town, in an exclusive Pacific Heights neighborhood, a
} mother tried to shield her three children from the panic rising within
} her.  Four months after her husband's death, Fernanda Barnes faced a
} mountain of debt she cannot repay, a world destroyed, and a marriage
} lost."
}
} The past isn't dead, Ben thought with a sigh.  It isn't even past.
}
} It was just as Dumbledore at the police station had warned him this
} might become.  Sterner measures were called for - Deatheaters could be
} lurking even now.  He gestured at her with his free hand.  "Alohamora.
} Veritaserum," he barked.
}
} The woman saw she wasn't getting anything past him.  Better to make a
} clean accounting of it.  "Now might I do it pat, now he is praying; and
} now I'll do't.  And so he goes to heaven; and so am I revenged.  That
} would be scann'd: a villain kills my father; and for that, I, his sole
} daughter, do this same villain send To heaven."
}
} Ben had had enough - he would lose his badge - no money and certainly
} no broad was worth this.  "There's little in taking or giving, there's
} little in water or wine; this living, this living, this living, was
} never a project of mine.  Oh, hard is the struggle and sparse, is the
} gain of the one at the top; for art is a form of catharsis and love is
} a permanent flop; and work is the province of cattle, and rest's for a
} clam in a shell, so I'm thinking of throwing the battle - would you
} kindly direct me to hell?" Time for that drink after all, he decided.
}
} She stormed out and went to the other office at the end of the dim
} hallway.  The Oracle, the private dick that's a sex machine to all the
} chicks, who she knew she should have trusted her fate to in the first
} place.  "Can you help me?" she cried.
}
} You owe the Oracle a denouement.


1486-02    (3014a dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Moo.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} At End Of Road
} You are standing at the end of a road before a wooden building.
} Around you is pasture.  A small stream flows out of the building and
} down a gully.
}
} > Moo.
} You are inside a building, a barn for a family farm.  A small stream
} flows from it out the door.
} There is some tasty hay here.
}
} > Moo.
} You eat the hay.  It is delicious.
}
} > Moo.
} I see no hay.
}
} > Moo.
} There is no more hay here.
}
} > Moo.
} Seriously, there is no hay.  You ate it.  Try something else.
}
} > Moo.
} You have taken a drink from the stream.  The water tastes strongly}
} of minerals, but is not unpleasant.  It is extremely cold.
}
} > Moo.
} The stream flows out through a pair of 1 foot diameter sewer pipes.
} The only exit is to the west.
}
} > Moo.
} At End Of Road
}
} > Moo.
} You are in a twisty pasture with dried manure, all alike.
}
} > Moo.
} You are in a twisty pasture with dried manure, all alike.
} There is some tasty hay here.
}
} > Moo.
} You eat the hay.  It is delicious.
} You are in a twisty pasture with dried manure, all alike.
}
} > Moo.
} You are in a twisty pasture with dried manure, all alike.
}
} > Moo.
} You are in a twisty pasture with dried manure, all alike.
} There is some tasty hay here.
}
} > Moo.
} You eat the hay.  It is delicious.
} You are in a twisty pasture with dried manure, all alike.
}
} > Moo.
} Slaughterhouse Entrance
} You are outside the door of a large forbidding looking building.
} If you enter, you are likely to become somebody's lunch.
}
} > Moo.
} Inside Slaughterhouse
} You hear a sudden and brief sharp noise.
} Oh dear, you seem to have gotten yourself killed.  I might be able
} to help you out, but I've never really done this before.  Do you
} want me to try to reincarnate you?
}
} > Moo.
} Okay, quitting.  Pass the ketchup.
}    *** You have died ***
} In this game you scored 5 out of a possible 350 points, earning
} you the rank of Hamburger.
}
} You owe the Oracle a whole wheat bun, pickle slices, and a napkin.


1486-03    (16731 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and mighty Oracle,
>
> So, I've discovered that I don't want to work. I just want to bang on
> the drum all day. Here's the problem: I'm a drummer. What do I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Drum whatever you feel like instead of what you're supposed to, and you
} won't get paid for it, simple as that.
}
} You owe the Oracle something to do with his own paycheck.


1486-04    (26361 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, have you ever been in love?  If so, does Lisa know about her?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Many times down the years but alas, too often unrequited.
}
} No woman wants a boyfriend who's always right.
}
} You owe the Oracle a date with your sister.


1486-05    (22482 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How much wood would Chuck Norris chuck if Chuck Norris wanted to chuck
> wood?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hi. I'm Chuck Norris. You might remember me from Internet memes such as
} "Chuck Norris is awesome!" and "Chuck Norris will kick your ass!" I am
} awesome and that I will kick your ass, but I think a lot of people
} don't realize that there are many other facets to the complicated
} pastiche that is Chuck Norris.
}
} First of all, I would like to thank the Oracle for letting me fill in
} for him today. Now, a lot of people think that I am all about kicking
} ass and taking names. While it is true that I do indeed kick a lot of
} ass, I rarely take take names. I frequently forget my notebook, and
} find it's easier to not ask.
}
} But I have a myriad of other hobbies too. My life is a rich tapestry,
} or perhaps "mosaic" would be a better analogy. I'm not just the rough
} and tumble guy that you all take me for. I like pottery and dabble just
} a bit in crochet. The other day, I prepared a really good pan-fried
} salmon with a maple glaze. Of course, I caught that salmon with my bare
} hands and chopped down the tree myself, but that's besides the point.
}
} So if I parse your question correctly, you are asking me how far I can
} throw a hunk of wood? I do like throwing things. I enjoy a good game of
} bocce and like skipping stones along serene lakes. Not to play into the
} stereotypes about me, but I also genuinely enjoy throwing sharks at
} helicopters. I don't just do it because it's awesome, but it also gives
} me a sense of inner satisfaction.
}
} As for hunks of wood. Well, I only threw one once, and that went all
} the way to Iowa. I was standing right across the border at the time, so
} it's probably not a fair assessment. But, if I had to make a ballpark
} estimate, I would say that I could throw the hunk of wood pretty damn
} far. And it would be awesome.
}
} You owe Chuck Norris your ass, so that he can kick it.


1486-06    (15732 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> According to the bio of Mark Lawrence, selector of 1485-01, he is
> presently not imprisoned.  Could you imprison him for one day at least,
> please?  He left the last sentence uncompleted, and I know it was
> complete the last time it came through my mailbox.  But in a nice
> prison, tho.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Mark Lawrence holds far too much incriminating evidence over The
} Internet Oracle for me to ever attempt such a stunt.
}
} You owe the Oracle a reasonable explanation for the JPG I hold
} of you and that one person from Accounting.


1486-07    (02772 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is playing computer games more satisfying than interacting
> with real people?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You can't reboot real people when you get annoyed with them.


1486-08    (14814 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ever notice how movie ratings are negative?  The movie has either
> almost no bad stuff in it, or some, or a wad, or a whole lot.  What if
> there were positive ratings?  Like for example, instead of bad words,
> this movie has only good words!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The current system already works the way you want.  The Motion
} Picture Association of America, Inc. (tm) provides film ratings
}
}    http://www.mpaa.org/ratings/what-each-rating-means
}
} that can be used either positively or negatively.  While the
} MPAA "negative" definitions are most commonly cited, here are
} the alternative positive definitions based on the above web page
} and using the metrics ("wad" etc) you suggested:
}
}    G - Growing/Geriatric Audiences.  "No One Between 10 and 55
} Admitted."  A G rated motion picture is one that, in the view of
} the Rating Board, most parents would consider highly uplifting,
} and their young children must be sent to view it on their own
} while the parents go watch something else.  Possibly Nana, or
} even Papa Charlie, will wish to attend with their precious
} little angel.  G does not mean "lame" or "diabetes inducing"
} in the common or legal meaning of those words, and should not
} be construed as a negative judgment in any sense.  The rating
} simply signals that the content is appropriate only for a very
} young audience, or for walking corpses over the age of 55 who
} have presumably regressed to a childlike mind.  A G rating can
} be based on a whole lot of good words, highly conventional
} behavior, favorable references to local or national government,
} waving the flag or saving it from terrorists, eating your
} vegetables, staying in line when coming in from recess at school,
} or the presence of Eeyore or a Care Bear.
}
}    PG - Parental Guidance By Children Required.  "Older Children
} and Parents Require Accompanying Child or Foster Child or Sibling
} Under 10, And The Neighbor's Kid Does NOT Count."  A PG-rated
} motion picture, in the view of the Rating Board, contains some
} uplifting material.  A PG-rated motion picture may include a wad
} of good words (if not done to excess), pre-adolescent activity
} like coloring, saintly reaction to the threat of violence, fully
} clothed characters with maybe a brief non-gratuitous glimpse
} of collarbone, habitual chewable vitamin use, or other elements.
} Persons over 10 are not allowed to attend PG-rated motion
} pictures unaccompanied by a young enough child. Parents are
} strongly urged to find out more about PG-rated motion pictures
} in determining their suitability before viewing one themselves;
} generally, it is not appropriate for parents to attend PG-rated
} motion pictures unless they are rather young and they had to
} quit school and get a job too early and who thus wish to relive
} the ripped-away innocence of their lost childhood.
}
}    PG-13 - Parents Strongly Cautioned. "Some Material May Be
} Inappropriate For Humans Over 13."  A PG-13 rating is a milder
} warning to parents by the Rating Board, to determine whether
} their children over age 13 will be scarred for life by viewing
} the motion picture, as some material might not be interesting
} for them in the slightest and they will curse you for the 90
} minutes of their lives that they want back. A PG-13 motion
} picture may be less uplifting than the PG rating, in theme,
} violence, nudity, sensuality, language, adult activities or
} other elements, yet does not reach the truly interesting level
} of the R rating.  For example, if you're a 15 year old boy,
} are you really going to be that impressed by the sight of some
} flirt flaunting her cleavage in a scene, or maybe five fleeting
} seconds of bare boob that lacks any overt sexual context, or
} car crashes that pale in comparison to the games you play all
} day every day on your Xbox?  What about a girl of the same age,
} having to sit through a movie where you can tell from the first
} thirty seconds that the guy with all the tattoos is going to
} turn out not to be cool at all and is the one committing all
} the crimes instead of taking the heroine to parties and the
} beach and just generally chilling like in real life?  I mean
} seriously?  Do you even remember what it was like to be 15,
} parents???  To be fair, PG-13 probably includes at least some
} drug use, and one quick F-bomb.  And even with some good words
} and mildly uplifting message like "crime does not pay" or "eat
} your peas and stay in line after recess," they are reserved
} for the very end.  And you will look in vain for even a single
} Care Bear, alive or slain.  Still, best to bring your 8 year old
} niece with you as cover, if you as an adult want to attend for
} some unfathomable reason.
}
}    R - Restricted To Cool People.  "People With A Broom Up You-
} Know-Where May Come Out Afterward All Snarky And Stuff." At most
} one usage of a good word, and/or brief inconsequential scenes
} involving moderation and self-discipline.  These are the ones
} you want to go to.  'Nuff said.  Oh and parents, don't fool
} yourself, your kids are watching these despite your efforts;
} they even find them uplifting, in their own special ways.
}
}    NC-17 - No One Admitted.  "No Chance, Period, Even If You
} Are 17."  Sneak into these with your bros and prepare to be
} amazed at the complete lack of good words, human values, and
} boringness.  Not recommended for your girlfriend though, unless
} she is way cooler than the last one; definitely not for date
} night with your wife.
}
} You owe the Oracle a box of popcorn.


1486-09    (35811 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most surprising:
>
> Marco?
>
> (Because I was expecting, "Polo.  You owe me cologne."  But I figured
> you were more imaginative than that.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Polo.
}
} You owe the Oracle a horse.


1486-10    (33723 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> And the President of China knows which is which and the President of
> China is the President of China? Haven't you heard it's a battle of
> words and most of them are lies? Listen son, said the man with the gun
> there's room for you inside.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hu could have guessed that Pink Floyd would set the words of Abbott
} and Costello to music?  Of course Hu could.
}
} We don't need no second basemen.
} We don't need no "I Don't Know".
} No dark sarcasm on the basepaths.
} Abbott! Leave our puns alone!
}
} You owe the Oracle a right fielder.


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