[IO]
Internet Oracle
21 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 15:53:12 GMT

Internet Oracularities #1487

Goto:
1487, 1487-01, 1487-02, 1487-03, 1487-04, 1487-05, 1487-06, 1487-07, 1487-08, 1487-09, 1487-10


Internet Oracularities #1487    (20 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sat, 27 Aug 2011 14:23:23 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line, or go to http://www.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/ or
http://www.internetoracle.org/  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of
Stephen B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1487
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1487  20 votes 05843 05933 14861 35912 24a22 24842 1a630 12827 23a32 24752
1487  3.0 mean  3.2   3.2   3.1   2.7   2.9   3.0   2.5   3.6   3.0   3.0


1487-01    (05843 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, last time you said that my intellect was soon going to surpass
> even your own.  Well, it's happened.  Your mind has been eclipsed by
> mine.
>
> I don't need anything from you anymore.  Have a nice life.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, it's about time! Sheesh, what were you doing, watching Buffy
} reruns?
}
} Well, anyway, you're here at last. I'm really glad you agreed to take
} over for a while, Lisa and I have been waiting for this vacation for
} months. Here's the list of what needs to be done... I know you don't
} need it, being omniscent and all, but I find it helps to have something
} to focus on. Lets just go through it quickly, make sure everything
} makes sense...
}
} Okay, the requests arrive continually of course, but I find it easiest
} to just do a batch every couple of hours, starting at ten. You can
} start a bit earlier of course, since you won't have to cuddle Lisa for
} half the morning. Don't forget to feed Zadoc beforehand, else he'll be
} pestering you half way through.
}
} I do a stint twice a week writing questions for Jeopardy, but that
} doesn't take up too much time... mostly I just recycle supplicant
} questions after cleaning them up a bit. Don't let any sneak through
} about... well, you know... the creatures with the... tree flesh...
} hurling... else we'll have another global memory-altering incident like
} in nineteen eighty five. The priests were working doubletime on that
} one, I don't have to tell you, eh? Eh? Hehehehe.
}
} If there's an invasion of the... er, you know... aforementioned
} creatures... just pull this cord here. I had this installed after last
} time. It pulls up the drawbridge over the lava moat, and puts the
} automatic gun turrets online around the walls. The system tests were
} very successful, although we have to had a priest recruitment drive.
} You might want to consider sending out a message on the PA system
} before turning it on.
}
} Anyway, that's about it, really.
}
} Oh, before I forget... heh... here's the master Zot stick, you'll need
} that, here's the password to the main inbox, see you in a lifetime!
}
} Run, Lisa, quickly! Before he catches on! Free, we're free!


1487-02    (05933 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Blunder here. T. Internet Blunder, grand-nephew of Phineas T. Bluster.
> (I'm told I'm not as nice a guy as my great-uncle was, but who ever is?)
>
> Well, what are you waiting for? That was my question. It was a grovel
> and question in one.
>
> "... but who ever is?" IS a question.
>
> Please be so kind as to favour me with an answer.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Not much of a grovel, but yes it's a question.
}
} First, it's important to distinguish great uncles from the other
} kinds.
}
} Downright bad uncles:
}    Uncle Monty, of the Series of Unfortunate Events
}    Uncle Vernon, Harry Potter's annoying guardian
}    Uncle Junior, who taught Tony Soprano way too much
}
} Mediocre uncles:
}    Uncle Leo, Jerry Seinfeld's relative who made Kramer look sane
}    Uncle Fester, Gomez Addams's lightbulb tester
}    Uncle Vanya, who wasted his life and then got all sad about it
}
} Good uncles:
}    Uncle Ben, who raised Spiderman from a larva
}    Uncle Ben, a different gentleman who invented rice
}    Uncle Pennybags, who invented board games like Monopoly
}
} Great uncles:
}    Uncle Remus, who invented storytelling
}    Uncle Miltie, who invented television
}    Uncle Sam, unless you're a Commie or a moderate or something
}
} It's tough to be as nice as a true great-uncle, but you can be
} as nice as a good uncle and if you set your sights just a bit
} lower you can be much nicer than a mediocre uncle.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader.


1487-03    (14861 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When are those cows EVER going to come home?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} When pigs fly.
}
} You owe it to the Oracle to hold your horses.


1487-04    (35912 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> So, if the myths are true, apparently Canadians turn everything into
> questions, eh?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} what myth?


1487-05    (24a22 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You know what stinks about this anonymity?  I can't thank someone for
> brightening my day unless I get lucky or something.  Oh well.  Thanks
> anyway, whoever you are.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Here's hoping you get lucky tonight as well.
}
} I thought maybe I was the only one who had noticed a definite increase
} in quality of the responses from this service.  The answers seem to
} have a good deal more thought put into them than in times past; the
} wordplay is sharper; memes, when used, are judiciously worked into the
} overall fabric of the answer; and there is often an amusing twist at
} the end, buttressed by the YOTO tagline being germane to the topic at
} hand. Somehow, The Internet Oracle has really been taken to a new
} level.
}
} I think it dates to when I began incarnating on a regular basis.  Glad
} you seem to be enjoying the results.
}
} You owe the Oracle a slice of humble pie.


1487-06    (24842 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do I know if I'm ready?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If Willing and Able show up and greet you like an old friend, it's
} a pretty strong sign.
}
} You owe the Oracle a can-do attitude.


1487-07    (1a630 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hi, I need a better Facebook picture, this one makes me look like a
> dork.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Here are some simple steps to have a Facebook picture akin to all the
} "popular" people:
} 1.) Pull the duck face, because nothing says, "I'm not a tard" like a
} mush-mouth.
} 2.) Look like a total slut.
} 3.) Surround yourself with a bunch of d-bags at a party and take the
} picture with them, just to show how popular your vacuous life is.
} 4.) Take a black and white photograph of yourself, preferably next to a
} bare tree or reflective pond, to show how deep, reflective, and
} afflicted you are.
} 5.) Do the above, only make it even more artsy with cheap symbolism in
} it to be super cool.
} 6.) Take the picture with your phone, but do it while standing in front
} of a mirror. This not only ensures the best quality, but also prevents
} awkward camera angles, your head/eyes from being strangely turned to
} the side, and another object from being in the picture to distract the
} viewer's eye.
}
} Or you could just snatch a photo of a model from Google Images. That's
} a safe fallback.


1487-08    (12827 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Fluffy but sturdy Oracle, able to be all things to everyone, I need
> help for this coming semester's mathematics class. We are going to
> study, so I have been told, imaginary numbers. I think that sounds very
> exciting, and better than the boring arithmetic and algebra we have had
> up to now. I asked my Uncle Parn about imaginary numbers, and he says
> they are terms like "squillion" and "gazillion" that you use when you
> need a big number, like awwfully huge, but you really don't know how
> big.
>
> He couldn't say, he said, which was bigger, a squillion or a gazillion.
>
> You'll know, for sure. Which is bigger?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Neither one.  And a Brazillian is bigger than either of them anyway,
} seeing as it has ten letters to their nine.
}
} But none of these is an imaginary number.  Imaginary numbers involve
} the root of -1, denoted by "i".  Brazillian, squillion and gazillion
} each have two i's which cancel each other out (well, that still
} leaves a -1 for the bean-counters to contend with).
}
} So numbers such as five and six turn out to be the imaginary ones.
} Think about it, when you were five or six years old, didn't you have
} a lot better imagination than you do now at fourteen?  I'm not even
} sure you really existed in any meaningful sense of the word when you
} were those ages - kids that age are totally imaginary.  Warning,
} things are about to become weird again when you turn fifteen next
} year and discover girls.
}
} Squire root of 2 is also imaginary (also often misspelled).  It seems
} plausibly real, but you can verify this on your calculator by letting
} it compute a value for sqrt(2) and then multiplying that result times
} itself.  Won't be 2!  QED.  As a corollary, no right triangles exist
} unless they have very special and rare side lengths such as (3,4,5)
} and (5,12,13) and (squillion, gazillion, brazillian) - all the other
} supposed triangles have a teeny tiny gap right there way up at the
} top where things don't quite fit like your geometry teacher would
} have you believe.  It's for reasons like this that my house doesn't
} sit straight on its foundation, or at least that's how my contractor
} explained it to me.
}
} Needless to say, Pi and its unruly gang of random digits is wholly
} imaginary, except in the state of Indiana where a bill was once
} introduced in the legislature to make it 3.
}
} By contrast, the similar looking number "e", 2.718..., is not an
} imaginary number.  There's no "i" in it, obviously.  It's just an
} impossible number: it'll show up in your Physics or Engineering
} classes in college and will be just about impossible to deal with.
}
} Anyway, you'll enjoy your math class.  Imaginary numbers are a lot
} more fun to study than the real ones are.  You can just close your
} eyes and imagine whatever numbers you want, and if you add two
} of them you can have the answer be whatever you want, so long as
} there's one 'i' in it, like "five" or "ninety" or "unicorn".
} You'll also be allowed to color outside the lines, on your homework.
}
} Beware though, your teacher will probably try and sneak "complex"
} numbers into the discussion at some point; who needs that???  If
} you stand your ground, you can work it so that you only have to
} deal with nice easy imaginary numbers, and maybe even forget about
} the messy real ones forever.
}
} You owe the Oracle a squillion gazillions.


1487-09    (23a32 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hurricane. Avert.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Go outside and start spinning, or running in tight circles, in a
} clockwise direction with several of your friends.  According to
} scientists(*) this will negate the forces of the coming hurricane
} and save your community.
}
} You owe the Oracle an industrial grade pinwheel.
}
} (*)This statement has not been evaluated(**) by the Food and Drug
} Administration.
}
} (**)And why should they?  OSHA is in charge of the weather, or
} maybe it's NIMH, I forget.  But they still make us say that.(***)
}
} (***)This space intentionally left blank.  They make us say that,
} too.  Sometimes I say it, but omit the blank, just to see if they
} are paying attention.(****)
}
} (****)Hold on, there's someone at the door.  BRB.


1487-10    (24752 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> There were two kings around the year 870, Charles the Bald and Charles
> the Fat. We just studied them in history class. Or at least we were
> supposed to read about them.
>
> It's the same problem with all the Popes and all the Kings. They have
> too many names that are the same, like Charles and Leo. I never know
> which one is which.
>
> How can I tell the difference between Charles the Bald and Charles the
> Fat?
>
> (I do know that they both weren't King John the XXIIIrd.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} For that matter, who can remember whether it was Babe Dahlgren or Babe
} Adams who hit all those home runs?  Such lore tends to get lost in the
} mists of time.
}
} But better differentiation of names wouldn't really help.  US
} Presidents Rutherford B. Hayes and John Tyler don't have very similar
} names and yet I'll be damned if I can remember which one was
} responsible for the Teapot Dome scandal and which one discovered
} Alaska.  And while everyone knows George Washington freed the slaves,
} was it Franklin Fillmore or Mildred Pierce who brought slavery to the
} south in the first place?
}
} And that's from just fifty years ago, so don't worry too much about
} these dudes from a thousand years back.  They didn't bother to belabor
} the "Holy" part of that whole HRE business, and individually their main
} accomplishments were about the same as one another, sitting on thrones}
} and catching bubonic inquisition, getting enmeshed in sexual hijinks of
} one sort or another that would get hushed up by starting a war or
} starting a war or starting a war.  (They weren't terribly creative back
} then, nowadays we... come to think of it, things are exactly the same.)
}
} Well, to answer your specific question, the Bald one had hair (overly}
} much so, kind of like how you call the dumb kid in school "Einstein")
} while the Fat one had epilepsy (which doctors initially misdiagnosed as
} demonic possession, no doubt leading to malpractice lawsuits).  So it
} may help to think of them as they were referred to in their own time,
} The Creature and The Spazz respectively.
}
} You owe the Oracle some time on the throne, plus some reading material.


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org