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Internet Oracularities #1488

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1488, 1488-01, 1488-02, 1488-03, 1488-04, 1488-05, 1488-06, 1488-07, 1488-08, 1488-09, 1488-10


Internet Oracularities #1488    (21 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 05 Sep 2011 11:10:30 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
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   1488
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1488  21 votes 13656 04692 14466 145a1 25725 04a43 17553 04881 57441 1a910
1488  3.2 mean  3.6   3.4   3.6   3.3   3.1   3.3   3.1   3.3   2.5   2.5


1488-01    (13656 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What a dreadful situation! I was trying to get some legislation in
> place to protect workers in a certain part of our city, and owing to a
> typographical error so egregious that it just might be deliberate, the
> legislation protects wonkers instead of workers.
>
> It's just a tiny bit of ink, that line which if extended downwards from
> the lower-case R makes it a lower-case N, but so crucial!
>
> 1400 copies of that new law are already printed, showing "J. R.
> Supplicant" as original sponsor. I need something instant and magical
> that will change wonkers into workers everywhere.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm sonny, but the ennon is innevensible.
}
} You owe the Onacle a bottle of connection fluid.


1488-02    (04692 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I had $24 in my pocket, or so I thought. But just to make sure I
> counted it, and found $27. With this stroke of luck I decided to check
> my pockets and count more carefully. My $24 was now $37.
>
> In the spirit of increasing the general wealth of the nation, I would
> like to offer this method to everyone. I'm planning on writing a book
> about it. What price do you think I should charge for the book? First I
> thought that $2.40 would be good, but I realized that my method might
> be applied to the book's price, and changed it to $2.70.
>
> Now I'm of a mind that $3.70 would be an even better price. If I go
> through my pockets and count my cash again and find that I have $53,
> them I could charge $5.30 a copy for the book, and I would soon become
> rich.
>
> My dad says my plan isn't worth half a plate of butterbeans.
>
> Am I going be rich, or will I have nothing but a few butterbeans and
> $37?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This method has indeed been used for the entire US economy.
}
} Unfortunately, when it was counted again, the Gross Domestic Product of
} $14.7 trillion turned out to be only a little more than $14.5
} trillion.  Further recounts adjusted this to $9.3 trillion, then $2.9
} trillion, then $430 billion, and so on and so on, until it was at $24.
} Not trillions or billions, just dollars.
}
} A further recount brought the nation's GDP back up to $27, and then to
} $37, but it will be a long slog back up to the lofty peak of last year.
}
} So if you do manage to sell a few books, please inform the
} Congressional} Budget Office, as they will need to be aware of this
} windfall to the national economy.  On the bright side, the tax rate
} you'll pay on such a high-end income is smaller than it was several
} years ago.
}
} You owe the Oracle a dime, if you can spare it, brother.


1488-03    (14466 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is it true that the Oracle can make a peanut butter sandwich without
> peanut butter, jelly, bread, or even hands?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} With flour, juice, whole peanuts, etc., sure.
}
} STANDARD METHOD:
} 1) Combine 1 cup shelled roasted peanuts, 1/4 tsp salt, 1 tbsp sugar,
}    1 tsp radium, and 1 tbsp canola oil in a food processor.  Blend two
}     minutes until very smooth.
} 2) Combine 1/4 cup water, 1 1/2 cup grape juice concentrate, 1 package
}     unflavored gelatin, and 1 tsp radium.  Bring to full boil over
}     medium heat, stirring constantly.  Cool in refrigerator.
} 3) Combine 2 cups warm water, 2/3 cup sugar, 1 1/2 tbsp yeast, 1 tsp
}     salt, 1/4 cup vegetable oil, 1 tsp radium, and 6 cups flour.  Knead
}     dough on a lightly floured surface.  Let rise 1 hour.  Bake in a
}     pan at 350 degrees for 30 minutes.
} 4) You need hands, for the standard method.
}
} Note: for non-glowing PB&J, or if you are on some wussy dietary
} restriction, omit the radium from the above instructions.
}
} But when I'm feeling a bit nostalgic, I do the following.
}
} ORACLE'S MOM'S HOME COOKIN' METHOD:
} 1) Purchase one package of peanut butter cookies. Squeeze cookies
}     until the peanut butter comes out.  Discard unused cookie husks.
} 2) Purchase one dozen jelly donuts.  Squeeze donuts until the jelly
}     comes out.  Discard unused donut husks.
} 3) Purchase one can of bread pudding.  Squeeze pudding until the bread
}     comes out.  Discard unused pudding husks.
} 4) Cut off and discard hands.  Carry the assembled sandwich to son on
}     the bloody stumps, stating "look how much I love you, I work my
}     fingers to the bone and then some, to bring you your meals."  Grow
}     hands again, later that afternoon.
}
} You owe the Oracle a BLT made without bacon, lettuce or tomato.  And
} also maybe some therapy for certain unresolved neuroses dating to
} childhood.


1488-04    (145a1 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's the difference between socialism and communism? (Please,
> no jokes about cows.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, look at how many keys you have to press on each keyboard row to
} type those words:
}
} - communism: 3 on the top row (oui), 1 on the middle row (s), and 5 on
} the bottom row (cmmnm)
} - socialism: 3 on the top row (oii), 4 on the middle row (sals), and 2
} on the bottom row (cm)
}
} That distribution is reflected in the political systems themselves. So
} if you're at the top, communism and socialism are pretty much the same.
} If you start out at the bottom, you have a better chance to make it to
} the middle class under socialism, but if you can't make it, you're
} better off under communism, because no one else you know could either,
} unless they're better at groveling than you.
}
} You owe the Oracle an analogy for the US and EU farming policies that
} doesn't involve cows.


1488-05    (25725 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> We never actually hear from Wormwood.  Does that make him an imaginary
> fiend?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} MY DEAR ZADOC,
}
} I note what you say about guiding our supplicant's reading and taking
} care that he sees a good deal of his Windows-using friend. But are you
} not being a trifle naive?  It sounds as if you supposed that argument
} was the way to keep him out of the Enemy's clutches. That might have
} been so if he had lived a few decades earlier. At that time the humans
} still knew pretty well when a thing was proved and when it was not;
} and if it was proved they really believed it. They still connected
} thinking with doing, and were prepared to choose their Operating System
} as the result of a chain of reasoning. But what with the weekly press
} and other such weapons we have largely altered that. Your man has been
} accustomed, ever since he was a boy, to have a dozen incompatible
} programs dancing about together inside his computer. He doesn't think
} of Operating Systems as primarily "true" or "false", but as "academic"
} or "practical", "outworn" or "contemporary", "nerdy" or "normal".
} Jargon, not argument, is your best ally in keeping him from Linux.
}
} Don't waste time trying to make him think that market driven design is
} the answer! Make him think Windows is strong, or stark, or courageous -
} that it is the Operating System of the inevitable. That's the sort of
} thing he cares about.  The trouble about argument is that it moves the
} whole struggle onto the Enemy's own ground.  Linus Torvalds can argue
} too; whereas in really practical propaganda of the kind I am suggesting
} Torvalds has been shown for decades to be greatly the inferior of Our
} Father Below, oh mighty Bill. By the very act of arguing, you awake the
} supplicant's reason; and once it is awake, who can foresee the result?
}
} You begin to see the point? Thanks to processes which we set at work
} in them decades ago, supplicants find it all but impossible to believe
} in the unfamiliar while the familiar is before their eyes. Keep
} pressing home on him the ordinariness of using a computer. Above all,
} do not attempt to use science (I mean, the real sciences) as a defence
} against Linux.  That will positively encourage him to think about
} realities he can't touch and see. If the supplicant must dabble in
} science, keep him on economics and sociology; don't let him get away
} from that invaluable "real life". But the best of all is to let him
} read no computer science but to give him a grand general idea that he
} knows it all and that everything he happens to have picked up in casual
} talk and reading is "the result of modern development paradigms". Do
} remember you are there to fuddle him. From the way some of you young
} acolytes talk, anyone would suppose it was our job to teach!
}
} Your affectionate master,
} ORACLE
}
} You owe the Oracle an Apologia without apology.


1488-06    (04a43 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I know they are not really following me, and that it's all just
> paranoia. But did you know that even paranoids have enemies? YES! They
> are secretly plotting how to follow me around, once my shrink gets me
> to believe that they no longer exist!!!!!
>
> If you have a shrink, you would be well advised to get rid of him. They
> dream up diagnoses like paranoia, and then make money "exorcising
> demons" just like the medi-evil church.
>
> Do you think that if I joined a completely evil church, they could
> drive out the paranoids and the shrinks?
>
> Pardon me if you can't follow what I'm saying or if I didn't do the
> dishes in the fridge so my website is a mess. It's time for those meds
> that I'm refusing to take. I'll go refuse them again, right now.
> Thanks.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Day 67: Subject has reached what appears to be a stable plateau.
} The resistance phase seems to be behind us at last.  I believe we
} can proceed after the holiday weekend (kids are looking forward
} to the annual barbecue, Ken) with setting the brain wave generator
} at full power, so please remind all personnel that they must wear
} their tin foil hats when within 10 meters of the house's perimeter.
} This puts us on course to complete this stage of individual testing
} on time.  We can proceed with the small scale group test in 4Q11,
} the final Beta test in 1Q12 (I still advocate a small state such
} as Delaware, although I understand the arguments in favor of Texas
} since they are halfway there already), and go national in plenty
} of time before the election.  Oh, a few details for next week:
} a) we won't need the actor playing the psychiatrist any further,
} b) please replace the dishes in the refrigerator with live cats,
} c) some upside down crucifixes on the walls might be a nice touch,
} and d) send three black 'copters on hourly reconnaissance on
} alternating days for the remainder of this test.
}
} You owe the Oracle a FEMA prisoner boxcar from Montana.  Go ahead,
} perform a web search on that phrase.


1488-07    (17553 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hi, this is not a question, but something funny I thought of.  I told
> my sister's boyfriend that I could see "Saturn, I mean Neptune, I
> mean...Jupiter?" all because he had no belt, and he got the picture and
> took appropriate action.
>
> I hope this really short story has given you as much pleasure as it has
> given me.  Thank you.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} By this, you mean he had a Great Red Spot that was visible?
}
} You owe the Oracle an astronomically correct drawing.


1488-08    (04881 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> For the past two years I've been setting aside a few minutes each day.
> So far, I've saved up a couple of weeks.  How shall I use them?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You idiot! You fell for Sir Buncomb Virgin's time-management scheme,
} and the result is that your time is all inaccessible. You stored every
} minute of it in September 1977. "Store Time Like An Oracle," he said.
} You failed to understand that while I, a timeless and immortal being,
} can travel into the past and enjoy the time I have saved whenever I may
} have saved it, you cannot. You can only travel into the future.
}
} Next time don't fall for the hype presented to you by a fly-by-knight
} time banker. Instead, store your time with XXI Century Future Perfect,
} Ltd., the same company your lower fourth form grammar teacher, Miss
} Thistlebottom, recommended so long ago. Remember her? No, I didn't
} think you could.
}
} Look, here's what I'm going to do for you. I'm going to go and withdraw
} three days of your saved time and stuff it into 2014. How about April?
} Fine. That's where it will be. Now hold on a moment.
}
} [Oracle becomes temporarily red, then blue, then returns to normal
} ineffable colour, but with a burnt mark on his hat.]
}
} Yowtch! That was a bit more effort than I expected. You will owe the
} Oracle. (As if you didn't already!)
}
} There. It's done. A bit of time rot had gotten into one of the days,
} and it may fall apart on you, but you will be able to enjoy 31 and 32
} April 2014, and possibly 33 April as well. Don't have anything you
} cannot afford to lose with or near you on 33 April.
}
} I'm afraid you'll have to treat the rest of that saved time as lost.
} I'm not going to do that trip again for you, certainly not under the
} same conditions. Let's say it would cost you about six months of
} backbreaking labour on your part to get me to retrieve the remains of
} those two weeks. Not economically feasible.
}
} Now for the tribute...
}
} You owe the Oracle an essay on the history of the use and avoidance of
} Daylight Saving Time in the US State of Indiana, with special attention
} to the methods used by members of the Indiana Legislature to extract
} personal leisure time through sneaky amendments. Do not neglect the
} attempt to set the value of pi, which was part of the same scheme.
} (There's a reason why the Oracle's temporal headquarters are in
} Indiana.)
}
} You also owe the Oracle a new hat.


1488-09    (57441 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ha!  Do your worst.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If you insist.
}
} It's Zotday, Zotday
} Gotta get down on Zotday
} Everybody's lookin' forward to a squashed luser, squashed luser
} Zotday, Zotday
} Gettin' down on Zotday
} Everybody's lookin' forward to a squashed luser
} Punishin', punishin' (Yeah)
} Punishin', punishin' (Yeah)
} Zot, Zot, Zot, Zot
} Lookin' forward to a squashed luser
}
} You owe the Oracle 100 million hits on YouTube.


1488-10    (1a910 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> One of my underlings said today, "I don't cope well with
> change.  Give me folding money instead."  You have to
> oversee various minions - how would you deal with that?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Would you really pay someone like Zadoc for anything?  Nope,
} he has to pay me.  And if he were to pay me in change, that
} would surely break his back!
}
} How he can afford that?  You mean you believe in the 'Poor Zadoc'-
} hype?  Truth is Zadoc is an extremely wealthy man!  How he makes
} his money?  Well Zadoc is one of the most successful songwriters in
} the world!  You didn't think those artists singing about their
} miserable life, lost dogs and fleeing girlfriends do their writing
} themselves, did you? Nope, Zadoc does it for them!  Specializes as you
} understand in country and blues, but has lately done well in rap also.
} Why would someone like that work for me, and even pay for it, you ask?
} Well, he claims it gives him inspiration.
}
} You owe the Oracle the original text to 'Ain't gonna work on Orrie's
} farm no more'.


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