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Internet Oracularities #1489

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1489, 1489-01, 1489-02, 1489-03, 1489-04, 1489-05, 1489-06, 1489-07, 1489-08, 1489-09, 1489-10


Internet Oracularities #1489    (25 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 25 Sep 2011 08:23:36 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
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   1489
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1489  25 votes 4b460 15c52 19951 33667 006b8 13a56 35c23 445b1 19861 16972
1489  3.1 mean  2.5   3.1   2.8   3.4   4.1   3.5   2.9   3.0   2.9   3.1


1489-01    (4b460 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Orrie, Orrie, Hallelujah!
> The spoof goes marching on!
>
> Got any more Oracular hymns for me?  Preferably originals, but they
> don't have to be; they can just fake it well, for all I care.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You might try singing The Marines' Hymn to the tune of Clementine, and
} vice-versa.
}
} You owe the Oracle a promise to do this only in the shower and far, far
} away from the Oracle.


1489-02    (15c52 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hi, not that I doubt you, but prove it anyway; it would make the
> understanding easier.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Right. Of course.
}
} Okay, hold up one finger on your right hand. NO, NOT THAT FINGER!
} Idiot.
}
} Good. The index finger.
}
} Count the number of fingers you are holding up. Got that? It's ONE,
} right?
}
} Now do the same with your left hand.
}
} GEEEEZZZ, DO YOU HAVE TO DO THE SAME STUPID STUFF EVERY TIME?
}
} Good. The left index finger.
}
} Count the number of fingers you are holding up. Got that? It's ONE
} again, right?
}
} Now hold up both those fingers, and count how many fingers are up.
}
} Did you get TWO?
}
} Thus endeth the proof that one plus one is two. Tomorrow we'll be
} working in balanced ternary, base 3, using the trigits b (for 1), p
} (for -1) and o (for zero). It's called the "bop" system, from the
} representation for the number 8. We will observe negation by inversion
} about the horizontal axis.
}
} You owe the Oracle a negative finger.


1489-03    (19951 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why did aliens eat Rod's homework?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because it's a dirty job and no natural born
} citizens were willing to do it.
}
} You owe the Oracle a green card.


1489-04    (33667 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If I see a politically conservative Englishman then am I a dome with
> a telescope inside?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, you would be an observatory.  To save you some trouble,
} here are some more of the same ilk.
}
} If your mother's sister set fire to a politically conservative
} Englishman she would be antiinflammatory.
}
} If a politically conservative Englishman took a college class
} for no credit he would be auditory.
}
} If a politically conservative Englishman collected severed
} penises of Nicaraguan rebels of the 1980s he would be
} contradictory.
}
} If a politically conservative Englishman did away with all the
} medicines in tablet format he would be a depilatory.
}
} If a politically conservative Englishman perished in a car
} crash he would be a directory.
}
} If a politically conservative Englishman used to be a marine
} bivalve mollusk but not anymore he would be exclamatory.
}
} If a politically conservative Englishman was in possession of
} verifiable truths he would be a factory.
}
} If a man named Harold was running amok inside the body of a
} politically conservative Englishman he would be hallucinatory.
}
} If a politically conservative Englishman was taken as a slave
} by another man he would be history.
}
} If a politically conservative Englishman was at the same time
} politically liberal he would be a laboratory.
}
} If a politically conservative Englishman was an expert on
} volcanic activity he would be a lavatory.
}
} If a politically conservative Englishman played a style of
} rhythmic soul music with a kitten doing the vocals he would
} be perfunctory.
}
} If a politically conservative Englishman liked to indulge in
} boisterous festivities he would be revelatory.
}
} If a politically conservative Englishman paid respect to his
} military superior officer he would be salutatory.
}
} If a politically conservative Englishman took a brief break
} during a meal he would be a suppository.
}
} If a politically conservative Englishman were a looped cotton
} fabric he would be a territory.
}
} If a politically conservative Englishman were named Vic he
} would be victory.
}
} You owe the Oracle compensatory damages for this circumlocutory.


1489-05    (006b8 dist, 4.1 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Should I play it safe and ask the plain but nice girl to
> the homecoming dance, or should I throw caution to the
> wind and ask the slutty cheerleader?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I should tell you right off that you should never throw Caution to the
} wind.  Caution is a mean dog and would probably bite your hand off if
} you try.
}
} Now, that said, there are many possibilities for who to ask to a
} homecoming dance, depending on what troubles you may encounter.  Only
} the Oracle can sort out the possibilities to find the best mate for
} you.
}
} 1.  What if you have a flat tyre?  This is a common scenario for any
} homecoming.  The slutty cheerleader seems to be the obvious choice
} since she could get the nearest man to change the tyre for her,
} however the nearest man is most likely you.  The plain but nice girl,
} on the other hand, has farming experience and can change it herself.
} Score for the plain but nice girl.
}
} 2.  What if you get into an argument with an arts student?  This is a
} common scenario for any homecoming.  The plain but nice girl may be a
} black belt in ninja, but that doesn't help against the inane drivel of
} an arts student.  The slutty cheerleader has a secret obsession with
} Nietzsche and will convince the arts student that life has no meaning
} and should be ended by suicide.  Score for the slutty cheerleader.
}
} 3.  What if you get bitten in the leg by a snake?  This is a common
} scenario for any homecoming.  In this situation the slutty cheerleader
} will use her surprisingly developed throat muscles to suck out the
} poison, and then use rags ripped from the t-shirt of the dead arts
} student to tie off the leg and cut off the poison's circulation.
} Score for the slutty cheerleader.
}
} 4.  What if the homecoming gets attacked by soviet agents dressed as
} clowns?  This is a common scenario for any homecoming.  I swear, the
} exact same thing happened at the homecoming of one of my priests.
}
} The soviet agents will strike with three vectors.  Through the front
} door, through the side window and through the roof.  Minutes before
} they strike the slutty cheerleader will get a phone call.
}
} "Oui?" you hear through the music.  You see her speak softly into the
} phone before she looks at you and says "We must go."
}
} As you're fleeing she will look at you and say "There's something I
} haven't told you about me.  I'm secretly an agent for the French
} Intelligence."  Shivers creep down your spine as she withdraws a gun
} from between the folds of her dress.
}
} A shout comes from the front door.  "We must go through the back!"
} shouts the slutty cheerleader, running with your hand in hers,
} stepping over the dead body of the arts student.
}
} As you walk through the back door a car pulls up.  "Mademoiselle!"
} the driver shouts.  "I'm so sorry I'm late.  I had a flat tyre.
} Luckily a plain but nice girl who didn't have a dance for homecoming
} was there to help change it for me!"
}
} The slutty cheerleader looks into your eyes and says "thank you for
} asking me to the dance."  She gives you a slight kiss on the lips
} before entering the car.  You will never see her again, but for the
} rest of your life you will never forget that kiss.
}
} If you were with the plain but nice girl she will try to fight the
} agents but, through numbers and force, will fail.  The both of you
} will get beaten up before being sent home.  She will be so angry that
} she will have rough sex with you.  Score for the plain but nice girl.
}
} What?  It's a draw?  Damnation.  Just call an escort agency and be done
} with it.


1489-06    (13a56 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle of the highest intelligence I hope you can answer this question
> for me.
>
> Why is "W" not a vowel in the English language like while it is in
> other languages?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You start from an incorrect premise.  Words such as "now"
} involve "w" acting together with the vowel "o" similarly
} to how a vowel like "u" would act with "o" in "couch".  As
} the saying goes, if it walks like a duck and squawks like a
} duck... hey look, "squawks" is another example.
}
} The very name, "double u", might be a tipoff that there is
} a vowel aspect to it.  You also could notice how the letter
} operates inside the word "vowel" itself.  OK, so maybe you
} are pulling the Oracle's leg, which is not as omniscient as
} his other body parts and can thus be tricked.  But I shall
} continue...
}
} The letter "W" is like "Y" in that it can operate also as a
} consonant.  Words like "walks" (or "words") have the letter
} taking this role.  You occasionally see a word like "awkward"
} or "wow" that contains the letter playing both its roles in
} turn.
}
} Now and then the letter is silent, such as in "answer" or in
} frequent combination with "r" such as in "write", leaving
} debatable whether it is consonant or vowel if it is doing so
} little on its own.  I suppose a letter that is overworked in
} various ways has to find these little opportunities to take
} a relaxing break.
}
} These are examples of why the letters of the alphabet should
} have formed a trade union many centuries ago, to establish
} work rules that would prevent double duty of certain letters
} while other letters languish from under-use.
}
} You owe the Oracle overtime wages for this response.


1489-07    (35c23 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hi, word has reached me that you hired a priest, and fired him the next
> day.  Exactly what happened?  Except for the part that your omniscience
> was not working at the time when you hired him, of course.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I hired him based on glowing recommendations and an appropriate
} demeanor that I felt would fit in with the rest of the priesthood,
} and then on the very first day he turned around and started
} approving only the funniest submissions as Oracularities.  I had
} no choice, of course, but to let him go.
}
} Turns out Ben Stein is a professional comedian.  Who knew?
}
} You owe the Oracle a null answer to a woodchuck question, or vice
} versa.


1489-08    (445b1 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, who can hear the snoring of a gnat deep
> inside a cave halfway around the world even before the gnat
> falls asleep,
>
> Is it dangerous to get someone else's earwax inside my own ear?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, it's very unsafe, you can get hearing aids!
}
} Always buy your own earwax.


1489-09    (19861 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Am I the biggest idiot the world has ever known?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No. Fenton W. Barnswallow was. He was so stupid he tried to swallow a
} barn, just to live up to his name. He almost succeeded. He's dead, of
} course.
}
} You owe the Oracle a fly, a spider, a cat, a dog, a goat, a cow, and a
} horse. Other intermediately sized animals are optional.


1489-10    (16972 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hi, did he say "grow up" or was it "throw up"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If he was a birthday clown, it was "blow up." If it was on the grassy
} knoll, it was "mow up." If he was the vice principal, it was "show up."
} If he was a Starbuck's barrista, it was "joe up." If he was on a creek
} without a paddle, it was "row up." If he was an anti-gravity physicist
} it was "flow up." If he was Australian, it was "snow up." If he was a
} rhyme-impaired stockbroker, it was "Dow up."  If he was a pizza chef,
} it was "dough up." If het was Charlemagne, it was "bow up," or "arrow
} up," or "crossbow up." If he was the prince of light, it was "go up."
} If he was the prince of darkness, it was "no up."
}
} You owe the Oracle your eternal gratitude that your question has been
} answered by the author of 783-10 which says, in part, "Yes, it does
} snow in Australia.  It's just that it's warm snow and it falls up."


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