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Internet Oracularities #149

Goto:
149, 149-01, 149-02, 149-03, 149-04, 149-05, 149-06, 149-07, 149-08, 149-09, 149-10


Usenet Oracularities #149    (10 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 25 Apr 90 00:35:34 -0500

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149   10 votes 00541 01162 03340 21412 10423 01342 23410 01243 24310 05212
149   3.2 mean  3.6   3.9   3.1   3.0   3.6   3.7   2.4   3.9   2.3   3.0


149-01    (00541 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What can I do for Earth Day?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} At least you're asking the right question.  Far too many times I've
} had to say, "Ask not what Earth Day can do for you - ask what you
} can do for Earth Day!".  Your question shows a high degree of
} enlightenment.
}
} Do one of the following:
}
} TOP TEN THINGS TO DO FOR EARTH DAY
}
} 10. Sue a multinational corporation
} 9. Get naked and run through the streets of New York
} 8. Capture a small, furry animal (no, wait, that's for groundhog day!)
} 7. Plant kudzu
} 6. Capture George Bush
} 5. Get really, really stoned
} 4. Save water by refusing to wash for a month
} 3. Dance in a Bacchinalian revel
} 2. Revive an ancient earth cult
}
} and the number one thing to do for Earth Day...
}
} 1. Turn off this terminal for the day, go outside, and experience
}    Nature as it was meant to be experienced: In an RV with a
}    portable TV.
}
} You owe the Oracle a mathematical description of Earth's ecosystem.


149-02    (01162 dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, chief criminal of the ages, what is the most evil and
> sinister way to earn $3.95?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Awright, get your dictaphone out.
}
}    First, get a bucket of hot tar. Sneak into an elementary school, and
} threaten to pour the tar on the cutest second-grade kid unless she gives
} you a quarter. When you get the quarter, pour the tar on her anyway.
}    Using the quarter, phone Prudential Insurance, and insure the Ronald
} McDonald House for Badly Burned Orphan Drug Addicts. Insure it for the
} amount of $2.70. (You'll have to pretend to be Ronald McDonald, or the
} insurance agent will hang up on you.) After you hang up, blow up the
} building, and search the rubble until you find the quarter.
}
}    Break into the US Pharmacopeia, and steal 10 grams of acetylethelyne
} oxybichromate. This is a powerful hypnotic drug; it makes its victims
} extremely suggestible.
}    Pour the drug into the water supply of New York City. Spend two weeks
} walking around, whispering "When you hear the word 'midnight', run out
} of the room!" Say this to street people, businessmen, lawyers, yuppies,
} preppies, New Age weirdos -- everybody.
}
}    Now you're ready. Go to Laguardia Airport. Walk up to where people
} are waiting for a plane, and say loudly, "The eagle speaks with forked
} tongue! The fat man walks at midnight!" You can expect at least half of
} the people there to scream "MIDNIGHT?!?" and run out of the room.
}    The other half will assume that the Illuminati Conspiracy is finally
} coming to fruition, and run for cover.
}    You can then board the airplane unopposed. Overpower the pilot
} (whisper "midnight" to him, if you're bored) and shoot the copilot. Take
} off, fly to the Ronald McDonald house, aim the plane at the house. Jump
} out and let the plane crash. (Oh yes, steal a parachute. Did I mention
} the parachute?)
}    Collect the insurance. You now have $2.95.
}
}    For the last dollar, get a job with a US military contractor.


149-03    (03340 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> On my 1990 census form, I claimed that six unmarried 20-year-old women,
> all mixed Hispanic-Black-Polynesian, are living with me.  This is a lie.
> Will I get in trouble?  How can I avoid getting in trouble?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, you see, that's not going to make much of a difference anyways.
} According to my figures [ flip, flip, flip ] let's see here.... ah!
} Here we go.  According to my figures - and this is 100% accurate, since
} I'm omnicient, omnipotent, and a lot of other omni-type things -
} there are 1,256,649 Hispanic-Black-Polynesian women living out
} in the U.S. who will not fill out their forms, mainly because 28.4%
} of them will not receive them, while at the same time, 62.56% of them
} are illegal aliens.
}
} You, in your infinate wisdom, helped the census people come ever closer
} to the the Oracle's ever-accurate figures by including those siz women.
} to the Oracle's ever-accurate figures by including those six women.
}
} In fact, according to my calculations [ flip, flip, flip ] 197,442 other
} men in the country will do exactly as you have done, bringing the
} total figures to a near Oracle perfect match.
}
} Congratulations, on helping the census people.  You will be receiving
} your cheque in the mail.
}
} You owe the Oracle postage.


149-04    (21412 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where do Father Christmas live?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Father Christmas do live up on top of the ground,
} Up place where the raindeer are for to be found,
} In snow place and blow place and ice place and cold,
} With millions snow trolls he is for to hold.
} He is for to make up with millions fun toy,
} Which he is for to give to both Jewish and Goy.
} Each Christmas he bondages raindeer what fly,
} To his magic kill for to push through the sky.
} They push it through rooftop and ceiling and wall,
} All this for to bring you a new rubber ball.


149-05    (10423 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I woke up today in the body of a donkey.  Did you have anything to do
> with that?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No.  You just seem to have a natural talent for making an ass of
} yourself.


149-06    (01342 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, oracle, on the net,
> Tell what makes my pussy wet.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If you send your little pussy out, on a stormy night,
} With thunderings and lightningings to give an awful fright,
} Your kitty will come crawling back, a poor bedraggled heap;
} Dry him off, and give warm milk, and let him go to sleep.


149-07    (23410 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> PROTOCOL:  Duquesne sweeps across the room, bows so that the tip of his
> goatee sweeps the floor and the plume in his hat (in his hand) brushes
> the ceiling.
>
> QUESTION:  Why am I constantly surrounded by fools and idiots and
> sycophants?
>
> CODA:  Duquesne bows lower than before, and sweeps out as though pursued
> by Furies presenting him a bill for their services.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ANSWER:  Quite simple, the furies are infuriated and Duquesne will soon
} have his hands full trying to do the walls.  The idiots, fools, and
} syncophants are only in your imagination.  In fact, reality is in your
} imagination...  it just lacks vision.
}
} You owe the oracle the name of the comedian that wrote that line...


149-08    (01243 dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What for is flash computer screen just now at me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That "flash" was a highly compressed wetware virus; that is, a data
} pattern carefully designed to ehco around in your brain cellls, getting
} stronger and stornger as it reverberverates.
}
} Already it's interfering with the the normal operation of your brain,
} causing dylsexia and selective aphasia.
}
} Very soon your abibbblty to read wil vanitssh entntrely; you wll then
} pvrfss nfro a coma nnd die horrbbly s yr auututotmc nvrvrss systuuum
} ssssts dyyyzn.
}
} Yyy owwe ythhr Orccvvf a lgkgk dfruyyxxc.


149-09    (24310 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> For that matter, what does "fnord" mean?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}
}
}
}
}
}
}
} in addition,
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
}       I hope you understand.
}       You owe the Oracle a pot of rabbit stew.


149-10    (05212 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise oracle...
>
> why is RFC822 so STUPID?!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Long, long ago, in the land of Regneryblob, there lived a most
} vulture-like prince, and his name was George Shrubbery.  And this George
} Shrubbery was not as other men:  he was a most sullen and wrathful man,
} and he lusted after the net.suppleness.goddess, but she refused him
} again and again (saying each time that he was a sullen and wrathful
} man), and slipping out of his grasp often and ever and anon.  Being
} sullen and wrathful, Shrubbery cried out to the other net.deities for
} help.  First he called to Morley, the net.death.god, but Morley was more
} interested in killing Eleanor so that she would be seducible for a
} change.
}
} Then Shrubbery called to John, the net.hat.god, begging him to put such
} a large and amazing hat on Barbara that she could no longer put both
} legs backwards behind her head, for the hat getting in the way, and so
} could no longer elude him by this trick.  And John, being the
} net.easily.persuaded.geek, constructed this hat out of handcuffs and
} nematodes and bushes and mice and back problems, and the two of them hid
} out behind the 180-190 GeV cyclotron to wait for Barbara.  But, as it
} happened, Jill (the net.inconsistancy.goddess) looked an awful lot like
} Barbara that day, and they stuck the hat on her head instead by mistake.
} This was a problem for a while, until Jill changed her mind again.
}
} So, in great rage and much unhappiness, he called upon Jocko, the
} net.resume.god.  And Jocko, being a kind-hearted soul, vastly modified
} Barbara's resume without telling her, converting her degrees in physical
} education and differential topology into electrical engineering.  And it
} was she who designed this protocol, and (as you might expect) she who
} twisted the wires.
}
} The Oracle has legended.  You owe the Oracle a new hat.


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