[IO]
Internet Oracle
22 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 18:50:14 GMT

Internet Oracularities #1491

Goto:
1491, 1491-01, 1491-02, 1491-03, 1491-04, 1491-05, 1491-06, 1491-07, 1491-08, 1491-09, 1491-10


Internet Oracularities #1491    (26 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 22 Dec 2011 08:14:55 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line, or go to http://www.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/ or
http://www.internetoracle.org/  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of
Stephen B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1491
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1491  26 votes 13949 24677 016a9 09a70 53972 1c562 28862 38c12 38546 28286
1491  3.2 mean  3.7   3.5   4.0   2.9   2.9   2.8   2.9   2.7   3.1   3.3


1491-01    (13949 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> OH GREAT AND WISE ORACLE PLEASE ANSWER MY QUESTION!
>
> am i retarded?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Possibly.  Take this quick test:
}
} 1. The alarm goes off.  You look at the time; it's 6:15 am.
}    Do you:
}    A. Rub your eyes, get up, shower, eat, and head to work/school.
}    B. Throw the alarm clock across the room and hope it breaks.
}
} 2. Pick a number between 1 and 2.
}    A. 1. (Or, 2.)
}    B. There are no numbers in between these.  Well, fractions,
}       and irrationals, but we all know what it means when
}       someone says pick a number, they mean whole ones.  And
}       the word "between" is pretty clear.
}
} 3. I'm the gosh-darn Batman. LOL.
}    A. Huh?
}    B. What, are you dense?  Are you retarded or something?  That
}       meme was from, like, 2005.
}
} 3. Are you, in fact, retarded?
}    A. No.
}    B. Yes.
}
} 4) Did you noticed that the numbering of these questions are off?
}    A) Yes.
}    B) No.
}
} 6) Did you notice my grammatical typo there just now?
}    A) Yes.
}    B) No.
}
} 7) Did you notice there were actually two errors?
}    B) Yes.
}    A) No.
}
} 8) Also did you notice I switched from periods to parentheses,
}    and A is now B and B is now A?
}    B) Yes.
}    A) OK, OK, I'm retarded.
}
} If you answered 8 or more questions with "A" or "B", then you
} are retarded for taking a test that purports to determine
} whether you are retarded or not.
}
} You owe the Oracle a more politically correct question.


1491-02    (24677 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise and carefully encrypted,
>
> I have lost my password.  What steps do I need to take to get it reset?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, you need to go into the village and buy a nice shiny sword, or
} possibly a magic staff if you prefer that sort of thing, and head into
} those really creepy dark caves to the north.
}
} There will be a few giant spiders and lizards around - you should be
} able to kill them all without trouble. You might mysteriously find
} some gold and treasure in there, and you can use it to buy better
} equipment off of the even more mysterious shopkeepers that lie deeper
} in the caves.
}
} As you go farther into the tunnels, you may find some more tricky
} creatures to kill, such as elementals, swamp-munchkins and floating
} eyes. Luckily, you should be able to level up enough times to have
} good enough stats to defeat them.
}
} When you get to about level fifty, you should find a golden plinth
} with 1x blessed scroll of Password Recovery on it. The writing on it
} can only be read in bright moonlight, so you'll need to grab it and
} take it out of the cave. Picking it up might set off a few booby
} traps, but that giant boulder and the soul-devouring gremlin should be
} easy to take care of once you've read the Spellbook of Zot you obtain
} at level 47.
}
} Once you're out of the cave, all you need to do is hold up the scroll,
} recite the incantation, and then you will recieve an email with a link
} in it so you can reset your password.
}
} You owe the Oracle 1x blessed +7 w**dch*ck hide armour


1491-03    (016a9 dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You remember my earlier question; I think I accidently typed "she"
> when I meant "he"; how does this change your answer?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It doesn't change it much.  You can explain to the heriff
} that your PTSD was caused by hellfire, which resulted in
} the henanigans your neighbor Heila reported, and hope that
} he will put the whole heaf of paperwork on the helf so you
} don't experience a legal hellacking.
}
} Then tell Heila you are feeling quite heepish about the
} whole hebang, and offer a bowl of herbet, and perhaps a
} glass of herry in the helter of your hed until you are
} both three heets to the wind.  If he refuses, tough hit,
} Herlock.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Hetland pony and a German Hepherd.


1491-04    (09a70 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most knowledgeble in the ways of superpowers, I do believe I've
> come up with a system for classifying various capabilities of
> telekinesis:
>
> Level 0: Regular human level; ie. no ability at all.
>
> Level 1: Able to move small-to-medium-size objects; pens, crowbars,
> children.
>
> Level 2: Able to move medium-to-large objects; multiple people; cars;
> up to large ships or perhaps even planet-sized bodies.
>
> Level 3: Able to create forcefields and 'sweeps' of force, not simple
> moving objects.
>
> Level 4: Unconscious defence; a field of telekinetic energy
> surrounding the user and protecting them from harm.
>
> Level 5: Automatic regeneration; the telekinetic field acting upon the
> user's own body and repairing it, including the prevention of aging.
>
>
> (Now, I know levels 1 and 2 could technically be combined into a
> single level, but 'Level 5' sounds so much better than 'Level 4' for
> the highest state.)
>
>
> So, what do you think? Could I make any improvements?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Excellent, but you have omitted the sales and marketing plans, the
} governmental regulation, and the distribution and repair facilities.
}
} You owe the Oracle repair of his Level Two abilities. I tried to move
} Venus this morning and she said, "Don't Touch Me!"


1491-05    (53972 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> Please define yourself, and give three examples.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracle { Pronoun } :
} 1) A deity of insider humour.
} 2) An overeducated and under employed computer geek addicted to sharing
} humorous messages with anonymous persons under the auspice of being a
} god.
} 3) A tech employee who should be working but is engaged in activities
} which will result in the company's e-mail account getting flooded due
} to him repeatedly asking questions about the productivity of woodchucks.


1491-06    (1c562 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, *$%@, I forgot my anniversary. No, I don't mean I forgot
> to celebrate it when it came around, I forgot when it is. Oracle,
> you're my only hope. When is (was) my anniversary? Please
> answer quickly. My wife looks a little unhappy.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Use statistics.
}
} Weddings by month:
}   January 4.7%
}   February 7.0%
}   March 6.1%
}   April 7.4%
}   May 9.8%
}   June 10.8%
}   July 9.7%
}   August 10.2%
}   September 9.6%
}   October 9.4%
}   November 7.4%
}   December 7.8%
}
} As you can see, your anniversary has the highest chance of being in
} June. Historically, June was wedding month so as to place the arrival
} of the first-born child in March through May, avoiding the discomfort
} of late-term pregnancy in summer, at least initially. The invention of
} air conditioning, not to overlook the invention of Australia, has
} lessened the necessity but not the charm of the June wedding.
}
} Use charm.
}
} You: "Dear, I remember so well that day in June (it was June, wasn't
} it?) when we got married. You were so beautiful and I was so
} scatterbrained. Do you know that I almost forgot what day the wedding
} was, and was about to show up a day early? The 4th, wasn't it, and I
} was thinking it was the 3rd, or something like that."
}
} Run fast.
}
} Her: "You scatterbrained idiot, it wasn't June, it was January, the
} least probable month, and what do you mean I WAS beautiful? You are
} insinuating that I have grown ugly?"
}
} Run very fast, and don't stop until you have gathered an immense
} bouquet of flowers. How you gather flowers while running at top speed
} is your problem, buddy.


1491-07    (28862 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Help! I'm sleep depraved. What are the cure?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Cure are a British gothic rock band originally formed in 1976 by
} Robert Smith and fellow students at the Notre Dame Middle School in
} Crawley, Sussex. They have sold in the region of 30 million albums and
} are best known for such Billboard Hot 100 charting singles as "Just
} Like Heaven", "Lovesong" and "Friday I'm in Love".
}
} Now go back to sleep and don't have any more of those revolting
} degenerate dreams of yours or you're spending the rest of the night
} on the sofa.


1491-08    (38c12 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My sister's kids baptism was in a Catholic church. In one corner there
> was a statue of Mary surrounded by all these candles at different
> levels.
>
> SERIOUSLY??? And a little kneeling thing where people would presumably
> kneel before the statue. No wonder Protestants think Catholics are
> idolatrous. Where do Catholics get this shit from? It's not even
> vaguely hinted at anywhere in the New Testament.They just make up
> their own weird shit and try to pretend it's the one true form of
> Christianity. Why do these people think this is okay? By what bizarre
> thought processes do they rationalize any of this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Jezzuz, man, you've never been to MY temple! The Catholics are nothing
} compared to what you have to do for me. Here are just a few of the
} rules. And mind you, I'm not a Christian deity at all.
}
} 1. No woodchucks. Please refer to them as marmots or as unusual rodents
} if you wish to stay clear of my ire.
}
} 2. No hackneyed jokes posing as questions, and as few references to
} 15-minutes-of-fame TV personalities as possible.
}
} 3. Zadoc will take your coat when you enter, and will have it cleaned
} by the time you leave. If he likes it (and he usually does) he will not
} give it back to you, however.
}
} 4. Remove your shoes, and dip your toes into the acid bath. It's for
} your own good. Zadoc will sell you a salve to help ease the pain.
}
} 5. Kneel on the spiked kneeling rack. Note how it's not cushioned like
} those sissy ones the Catholics have. Nothing but the best here, sharp
} prongs that rip out the tendons holding your kneecaps in place. Zadoc
} will sell you another salve to help ease the pain.
}
} 6. Don't bother complaining about other religions to me. Catholics,
} Spastics, Mormons, Normans, none of them are worth the trouble. Not
} even Church of England. >I'LL< give you something to complain about!
}
} So there you have it, the beginning of how to understand religious
} difficulties. Remember, the purpose of religion is to confuse you, to
} make you feel guilty, and to charge you for absolution.
}
} YOU OWE THE ORACLE a blank stare, your blind obedience, and $300 in the
} collection plate.


1491-09    (38546 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Should I buy this electric heater? My electric bills are so high, but
> this one promises 500% efficiency, while the one I have now is probably
> only 50% efficient. I would save so much money my bank account would
> overflow.
>
> Here's a picture of it:
>
> You can see that it is painted green, which not only makes it
> politically correct, but improves the efficiency by using the Laws of
> Green Physics, as shown by Aristotle and Newton. Didn't someone say
> that Aristotle was never wrong? And Newton wasn't wrong until Einstein,
> but nobody understands Einstein.
>
> I'm worried about the payback period. Will I actually save the promised
> $1500 per month, offsetting the initial investment of $2995 (for the
> 200 watt model) or $4999 (for the 800 watt model) in just a few months?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, let's ask Aristotle himself, seeing as he is never wrong.
}
} "Evenin', squire!"
}
} Harry. Why didn't I see this coming?
}
} "Beats me - you're the one wot's homniscient. Yer knew me larst name
} was Stottle, dincher? So 'ow's tricks?"
}
} It's your tricks that concern us here, Harry. Explain the workings of
} this electric heater you are trying to palm off on my supplicant.
}
} "Well, it's Green Physics, innit?"
}
} It's a green council wheelie bin with a dial nailed to the front and an
} electric plug coming out the back, is what it is. Let's take a look
} inside... Oh, you've also nailed the lid down, I see.
}
} "Corse I did, squire! Yer don't wants the punters tinkerin' wiv the
} delicate inner workin's..."
}
} What's inside the bin, Harry?
}
} "I'm not at liberty ter reveal..."
}
} Harry, reviewing your career for the past fifteen years, I think it's
} safe to say that this is one of those rare occasions on which you
} actually are at liberty. There's nothing inside the bin, is there?
}
} "No."
}
} Well, I can see how that will deliver the promised savings on the
} supplicant's electric bills, but how is heating to be achieved?
}
} "I's kinder relyin' on global warmin' fer that part."
}
} And if there is an effective international agreement on reducing carbon
} emissions?
}
} "Then I slips Lord Monckton a tenner ter make anovver big speech abaht
} 'ow it ain't 'appenin' an' it's all a socialist conspirercy, dunni?"
}
} Are you seriously trying to tell me that trusted senior figures on
} either side of the climate change debate can be bought for the paltry
} sum of ten pounds?
}
} "Nah, don't be daft!"
}
} That's a relief.
}
} "Most of 'em'll do it fer a fiver."
}
} Right, I think I've heard enough.
}
} "Yer buyin' one, then?"
}
} I can hardly afford not to. Put me down for two 200 watt models for the
} Oracular Temple.
}
} "There's a special hoffer on the 800 watt models."
}
} Which is?
}
} "Me mate Syd comes rahnd an' hexplains Einstein ter yer."
}
} That's really more in the nature of a threat than an offer.
}
} "Yeah, I fink I put the special hoffer on the wrong model. It's not
} like the 800 watt one is any 'arder ter make, know wot I mean?"


1491-10    (28286 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@ewhac.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the most anyone ever spent on farmville? Are there
> people so pathetic that they have ruined themselves spending
> money on this game?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
}
} BLOOMINGTON, INDIANA, January 11, 2011  --  OracuCo Industries (tm)
} today announced the introduction of VaudeVille, available as an
} application on social-networking websites Spacebook and MyFace.
} Reportedly under development since 1989 by reclusive mastermind
} Steven Kinzler, VaudeVille brings to social media the same thrill-
} a-minute action that users of The Internet Oracle (tm) have come
} to expect under WWW and legacy Usenet technology.
}
} "Product good," stated company spokesman Og, "you buy now?"
}
} "What my colleague is trying to say," added company marketing
} director Zadoc, "is that VaudeVille lets nerds have fun too."
}
} "What my colleagues are trying to say," added company co-founder
} Lisa, "is that we see a virtually limitless demand for riddles,
} song parodies, jokes and comic poems in the online marketplace.
} VaudeVille lets friends share corny puns, tepid social satire,
} and generally stale humor in a safe and inclusive atmosphere.
} And part of the fun is to earn points, in the form of Fart Coins,
} as you entertain your friends with your wit.  Sit down now, Zadoc.
} I'll handle the rest of this.  You too, Og.  Good boy, good boy."
}
} Fart Coins, so-dubbed because of the prevalence of fart jokes as
} the basic unit of humor on social media, may be collected a coin
} at a time and are transacted with friends, and then may be redeemed
} for prizes at local Acme Novelty Stores worldwide, Lisa explained.
} Whoopie cushions and kazoos and skee ball tokens are expected to
} be the most popular items claimed.  Skee ball game players will
} in turn earn tickets that can then be claimed for prizes, such as
} whoopie cushions and kazoos and deluxe whoopie cushions.
}
} "We got the idea," Lisa continued, "when our intern Kendai ran
} up a debt of $50,000 in two hours of interaction on the FarmVille
} app.  I have seriously no clue how he's going to pay me back for
} the loan I advanced him to cover that.  Anyway we figure there
} must be a ton of people out there no smarter than him, and Orrie
} said we should try to rake in some of that dough-re-mi ourselves.
} Orrie was kind of a weird tough guy incarnation using 30's-40's
} vernacular that day, I guess.  We were in luck and Kinzler had
} something lying around from his time at IU, and we decided it
} was good enough to call a Beta test version and charge for it."
}
} The application provides all the bells and whistles expected of
} modern social-networking gameplay, such as customizable avatars,
} intuitive menus, bells and, of course, whistles.  Players invite
} each other to be audience members at their own on-line comedy
} club, and the audience bestows Fart Coins on the joke tellers
} in proportion to their amusement.  You can also buy watered down
} drinks for the avatars of your audience to increase their enjoyment
} of the show, and it's a good idea to tip the waitress with an
} additional Fart Coin or two to ensure that it's only water that
} adulterates the potent potables your friends' avatars consume.
} But even if the worst happens, the demise of one's avatar is only
} a temporary issue, as new ones may be readily purchased using
} PayPal or major credit cards.
}
} The company co-founder provided a heartwarming example of the
} good that their new app can bring to the world.  "We demoed the
} app to a college freshman named Hulga.  She had never been on a
} date and was terribly terribly introverted.  After half an hour,
} she had come out of her shell sufficiently to post 'I'm not sure
} I can take 67 more of those, Mister.'  Now, I am happy to report,
} she is seeking treatment for a venereal disease, for both her
} avatar and herself.  I'm sure that if we can have that kind of
} success with Hulga, there are thousands upon thousands more who
} will become the life of the party with the aid of VaudeVille."
}
} When a question was raised as to why people would pay good money
} to send jokes back and forth to each other through an app with a
} sissy Frenchified name, rather than just text them, the co-founder
} replied that there are plans to expand the offering to include
} other elements of traditional vaudeville acts, Real Soon Now.
} Pressed on how such things as acrobatics, juggling, sleight-of-
} hand magic or trained animals could be incorporated into a
} glorified texting app, she repeated, "Real.  Soon.  Now.  Did I
} mention it's real-time?  And it won Best New Social/Online Game
} of nineteen-eighty-mumble-mumble, I mean 2011, no lie."
}
} When asked about rumored plans to collect players' personal
} information via bogus surveys and sell it to spammers, Lisa smiled
} and replied "no comment," and exited.
}
} "Press conference over.  You buy!" company spokesman Og stated,
} rising from his folding chair at the back of the room.  "Product
} good.  You owe Oracle many dollar.  No accept Fart Coin."


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org