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Internet Oracularities #1492

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1492, 1492-01, 1492-02, 1492-03, 1492-04, 1492-05, 1492-06, 1492-07, 1492-08, 1492-09, 1492-10


Internet Oracularities #1492    (21 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sat, 21 Jan 2012 12:00:35 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1492
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1492  21 votes 15852 25860 04674 14835 15591 17823 02784 11874 27435 79221
1492  3.1 mean  3.1   2.9   3.5   3.3   3.2   3.0   3.7   3.6   3.1   2.1


1492-01    (15852 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Sid Dabster

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do I get my computer to run faster?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No animated GIF backgrounds.
} A bigger whip.
} Compress your hard drive.
} A steeper hill (down only).
} Delete all the unused files, then defrag your hard drive.
} More villagers with hot tar and feathers and pitchforks.
} Turn off the virus scanner because it slows you down.
} Torches. And not the British flashlight kind.
} Get a good virus scanner because viruses slow you down.
} Carbohydrate loading.
} Windows 7--twice as fast as DOS 3.5.
} Steroids.
} Liquid nitrogen CPU cooler and a faster clock crystal.
} Buy a Kenyan computer.
} Stop wasting time asking the Oracle questions.
}
} You owe the Oracle a 4.77 MHz 8088 64 KB PC with two
} 8" floppy drives and a monochrome monitor.


1492-02    (25860 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is God on Tim Tebow's side? Will he eventually take his place beside
> Samson, Joshua, and David? A spiritual giant, raised up by God to do
> mighty deeds!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Believe it or not, God actually has little interest in American
} football. God is an Anglican Who prefers Rugby Union, and does not
} favour one player over another. He loves seeing all of them pile up
} into one huge mess, covered with mud. God really enjoys mud (it's the
} "stuff" from which He formed the earth), and thinks that pigs and
} ruggers are two of His best creations.
}
} His fascination with pigs is, by the way, the reason He forbade Jews
} and Muslims to eat pork, long ago. He worried that his dear pigs might
} become extinct if eaten. He also does not want people to eat Rugby
} players, but really, who would want to? Maybe a rugger. But ruggers
} only eat other ruggers when already dead. In these latter days God
} would tell the Jews and the Muslims that it was all right to eat pork,
} but those groups (as well as the Catholics and the LDS) are not really
} listening to Anglicans right now.


1492-03    (04674 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Garcon?
>
> Waiter? Hello?
>
> (stands up) WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO GET SOME SERVICE HERE?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You have to pull up to the next window, sir, there are several people
} behind you.
}
} You owe the Oracle compensation equal to $10 more than the amount my
} manager is taking out of my pay for taking so long with you.


1492-04    (14835 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Will you ever get a page on the facebook?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} THE INTERNET ORACLE
}
}      Orrie:
}      mmmmm... sausages ;)
}
}          28,136 supplicants like this.
}          View all 109,567 comments
}
}      RECENT ACTIVITY
}
}          Lisa has added 45 new photos to the album Oracular Follies.
}
}          Kendai is playing Grovelling World.
}
}      Orrie:
}      mmmmm... pizza ;)
}
}          14,964 supplicants like this.
}          View all 226,340 comments
}
}      Find friends:
}      Zeus: Orrie and 5,685,332 other mutual friends
}      Shiva: Orrie and 22,069,535 other mutual friends
}      Loki: Orrie and 3 other mutual friends
}      ............
}
} Sort of like that, you mean? If I ever succumb, Zadoc has instructions
} to kill me quickly and painlessly.


1492-05    (15591 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's with all the diarrhea questions?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You tend to get a run of them this time of year.


1492-06    (17823 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I invented a color once: gang green.  I don't actually know what it
> looks like, but I know it can't be as healthy as other greens.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You like puns, huh?  Sorry, but yours was only 2/3 of one: P.U.
}
} Q: What is the difference between a pun and a fart?
} A: One is a shift of wit.
}
} OK, since you brought up "green":
}    Patient: I cant stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home.
}    Doctor: That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.
}    Patient: Is it common?
}    Doctor: It's Not Unusual.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new pussycat.


1492-07    (02784 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise, who deserves the very best and then some, how do I
> tell if it's love and not some passing fancy?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There are many differences between true Love and a mere
} passing fancy.
}
} Love is more about the other person.  A passing fancy is
} ultimately about yourself.
}
} Love becomes part of the fabric of your life.  A passing
} fancy takes over your life, the way a forest fire takes
} over a forest, and then it's suddenly over.
}
} Love sees the reality yet retains the ideal.  A passing
} fancy causes you to cling to the ideal and deny the
} reality.
}
} Love imagines life with the other person.  A passing fancy
} makes you momentarily unable to imagine life without the
} other person, until the first obstacle looms.
}
} Love causes you to follow the object of your affection
} from the bus stop to her apartment, then hide in the bushes
} the next morning in order to suddenly spring out with
} declarations of undying devotion, which she coldly rebuffs,
} and when I do it again the next morning to prove that I'm
} not swayed by some obstacle she threatens that if I EVER do
} this again she'll get a restraining order, and when I cry
} and plead the next morning for just one more chance she says
} that if I won't obey a restraining order then she'll just
} bypass the courts and get her boyfriend and his buddies
} to....
}
} Ah, perhaps I have offered TOO keen an insight into Love,
} with that last bit.  Let me try again.
}
} Love is patient and kind; Love is not jealous or boastful;
} it is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own
} way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice
} at wrong, but rejoices in the right.  Love bears all things,
} believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
} Love never ends.  A passing fancy, by contrast, tends to
} fade away shortly after the first threat of legal action.
}
} You owe the Oracle the name of a good lawyer.


1492-08    (11874 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hello, Orrie, it is I, Og. Imagine! I've worked with you all these
> years and never realized that you were an omniscient dispenser of
> answers to questions! Well, I have a few questions of my own, and I'd
> really appreciate it if you'd answer them:
>
> 1. Often in the winter months it's quite cold. Also when the meat is
> left out raw it often goes bad very quickly. Is there some sun-like
> source of heat that you could help me discover that could keep us warm
> during the winter months, and put raw meat into a state in which it is
> edible for a longer period of time?
>
> 2. I have a large crate which I use to transport stones and other
> freight. But it is slow, hard work dragging it along in the ground. Is
> there some clever invention that could be affixed to the bottom of the
> crate so that it takes less effort to transport it from one location to
> another?
>
> I really think it is in your best interests to help me. If you do not,
> humans may not develop the technology to send you emails, and then
> where would you be?
>
> All the best,
>
> Og

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Good to hear from you, Og.  Certainly I can help with
} both problems.
}
} 1.  The cold weather, and the spoilage of meat.  What I
} recommend is to locate some very large stones, and use a
} chisel to carve them into circular disks.  For example,
} around 20 inches in diameter and 3 inches in width.  Also
} carve holes, an inch or so wide, through the center.  Place
} these disks on top of the meat; this keeps the air out,
} preventing spoilage (don't place the meat right under the
} center hole, though).  The exertion of carving these disks
} will have the secondary effect of keeping your body warm,
} as will the effort to lift a disk to obtain a portion of
} meat for each meal.
}
} 2.  The transport of large crates.  Locate a flint rock,
} and strike it against another rock, near which you have
} placed dried leaves and twigs.  Doing this should throw
} sparks, which will ignite the twigs.  Add larger pieces
} of dried wood, until you have a roaring blaze.  Place the
} crate in this, until it stops smoking.  While it will not
} affect the stones you mention, most of the other contents,
} as well as the crate itself, will weigh much less after
} this procedure, making it far easier to transport.
}
} You owe the Oracle a cave drawing of Lisa taking a bath.


1492-09    (27435 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You have two cows....

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ha ha.  Then I'll only pay at a 15% Federal tax rate on
} my second cow, which I'll rent out as an "investment",
} while you middle-class one-cow families will have to
} stay in the 25% or even 28% bracket on what you milk
} for yourself.  Oh, it's good to have inherited wealth.
}
} You owe the Oracle cake.


1492-10    (79221 dist, 2.1 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> These accusations I come across are completely unfounded.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You certainly do.


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